The 18th Annual Razzballies

It’s the 18th Annual Razzballies! Wow! They’re old enough to smoke weed, drink beer and vote while pretending not to drink beer or smoke weed and writing-in Chet, their childhood friend! Chet for Mayor! Hearing the Razzballies just joined the Army while leaving behind their three-month-old and girlfriend. The Razzballies are going to be a prestige movie starring Timothée Chalamet as the Razzballie! Gotta be honest, Timothée is a little effete. It’s Timothy, boy! Straighten up your back! Welcome back to our year-end awards show! If there’s any issues with the award ballots, don’t look at me. These were all tabulated at the accounting firm of Fried, Kremer and Bregman. Stop giving them the evil eye, Max Kepler! Go Bundesliga somewhere else! You might be wondering why I’m hosting. Well, at the last minute our other host had to back out. Sadly, Joe Buck couldn’t be hair. I mean here. I just want to thank everyone. I appreciate all of you, except Vlad Jr. Okay, enough foolery, Tommy boy, now onto the awards, without which you’d have no idea who was the best and worst hitters and pitchers this year, and you’d be left giving out your own awards and no one cares if your “Low sodium tomato soup in a sourdough bowl” won your “Whitest Person’s Lunch Of All-Time” award. Stop making up fake awards! Leave that to me! Anyway, here’s the year-end awards for the best and worst of 2026 fantasy baseball:

Fantasy NL Most Valuable Player – Pete Crow-Armstrong might be the first winner of the MVP that I labeled a schmohawk in the preseason. I’m throwing tomatoes at myself for that one. And, ironically enough, one of those tomatoes connected on my head and I now look like Pete Crow-Armstrong. Last year the top season’s value was $50.6 from Aaron Judge, and PCA beats that with $53.10. This is a step down from the insane years of Judge, Acuña and Ohtani in 2022, 2023, and 2024, respectively. This is one of the weirdest years of recent memory. I’ll go over each position recap starting tomorrow, but a pretty cool takeaway this year: You could’ve screwed La Pooch with your 1st round pick and backed into some crazy valuable guys later on. Not to take anything away from PCA (which is what I say right as I’m about to), he was remarkable in a markable way. (Markable?) I mean, his year was good for a top 50-ish overall year on the Historical Player Rater. Just a little below Jose Canseco, the original 40/40 guy, and very enthusiastic Razzball podcast guest.

Fantasy AL Most Valuable Player – The AL Fantasy MVP, like the NL one, doesn’t take into account team wins and “intangibles.” Nope, here at Razzball HQ, we look at tangibles! And those aren’t fungible! This is commonsensible. Uh-oh, I’m stick in an ‘ible loop, what can I do? Listen to the Bible on Audible? What’s this in my pocket? A rookie card of Oddibe McDowell? Okay, I’m done. The winner is Cam Schlittler. This is the first time since 2019 that a pitcher wins. That’s right, a pitcher won in 2019 and how appropriate is this, it’s also a guy who is retiring this year, Justin Verlander, who had $50.1 that year, which bests Schlittler by a decent amount ($39.90). Schlittler doesn’t even best Jacob Misiorowski. In the last 18 years of Razzballies, only three pitchers have been the MVP of their league. Can you name the other one? If it helps, it was in 2015. If you open the Historical Player Rater for best pitching seasons of all-time, you’ll see it. Not to take anything away from Schlittler (but if I took something away from PCA, I have to take something away here), he’s the lowest dollar value on the Player Rater to win since Paul Goldschmidt in 2022 (unless you count 2023, where I combined Ohtani’s hitter and pitcher values to crown him).

Fantasy AL Cy Young – Cam Schlittler, congrats on winning MVP and Cy! Our 1st double winner! (That’s out of three awards, so there’s a chance here for him to take home a lot of gold today, especially if he stole the most bases and saved the most games. He didn’t do that? Oh, well, then no chance for more gold. Not to mention, these are just gold-plated and will turn green when exposed to oxygen.)

Fantasy NL Cy Young – Finally, the pinwheels stops rotating and it’s The IO Update’s chance to get some glory. Jacob Misiorowski with a top five pitching season in Razzball history, assuming you don’t count 2020, and I don’t. 2020 what? Never heard of it. Sorry, Shane Bieber (who had the top year in the nonexistent year, 2020). Would’ve been cool if The IO Update would’ve led everyone in fantasy value, besting PCA, but Rob Manfred feeds the top hitter bouncy balls in September to inflate their numbers. Not joking, this is the one conspiracy I 100% believe. This conspiracy and that there’s a magical day between Monday and Tuesday named Muesday. But that’s it! No other conspiracies. The takeaway, as always, is pitching is fickle and you should not pay for it, just look at Schlittler and IO’s ADPs. Of course, the takeaway everyone will actually take, uh, away is now to draft Misiorowski and Schlittler in the top 20 overall. Could someone please help me down from this soapbox?

Fantasy AL Least Valuable Player – For the first time in a decade, this can’t go to Anthony Rendon. Bummer. Wait, ‘bummer’ makes me think of something…I’m picturing a ginormous rear-end that stinks of crap and oh, God, the smell is horrendous…There’s no way this is the smell of one ass…Oh, God, it’s not! Turn away! It’s two giant asses backing into us, breathing butt-fire like Godzilla! Save yourself! Quickly, split the award between Cal Raleigh and Vladimir Guerrero Jr. and spray the Glade!

Fantasy NL Least Valuable Player – Went to look at ADP from last year and listen to this patch of picks that were together and a bunch of cow patties: Gunnar Henderson, Kyle Tucker, Cal Raleigh and Vlad Jr. Even Princess Di didn’t traverse landmines like this. Kyle Tucker gets this award, which is a turd in a box, which was kinda like him hitting all year.

Most Valuable Player Based On Draft Price – Ya know what’s cool to dream about? No, not marrying the partner of your dreams and having kids who don’t hate you. That ship’s sailed! What’s cool to dream about is drafting the most valuable player based on value every year in every league. You could do it, but do you? Last year, it was one of the easiest years to pull this off. Basically, the entire top of the Player Rater is guys who were available later. You could’ve had PCA, Misiorowski, Schlittler, Fernando Tatis Jr., Drew Rasmussen and Jordan Walker, and absolutely housed your league. Did you, though? [the sound of a thousand crickets chirping] That’s being realistic and not saying you could’ve had Captain Woo Cubano, Corange Juice and Albombso. This award has to be Jordan Walker, who went undrafted and ended up at 13th overall.

Fantasy POS – Garrett Crochet was a top 12 overall pick and ended up around 700 overall, but he was injured, and I try not to give POS awards to injuries. If you wanted to, though? I am in no place to stop you. Instead, I want to give this to two guys who were right next to each other in the drafts. They were ass-to-ass like an even more disturbing Requiem for a Dream. Cal Raleigh and Vladimir Guerrero Jr., you did it again! Congrats on ruining so many leagues!

Top SAGNOF – Nasim Nunez/Louis Varland – Remember, the essence of SAGNOF is cheap saves and steals. Nasim Nunez barely beat out Chandler Simpson by being a fair bit cheaper. I imagine Chandler’s about to go on a multi-year run like Forrest Gump. As for Varland, he was the most pure, distilled version of SAGNOF for saves. He was the everclear of SAGNOF. Became a lights-out closer this year, and good on the Jays for allowing it and not trying to keep jamming Hoffman into the role. Prolly comes with spending $700 million and struggling to stay out of last place. Varland barely beat out runner-up, Bryan Baker. No award for you Baker, but it’s really about being nominated. Then again, there’s no nominations either.

Fantasy Hitter You Most Likely Dropped and Picked Up A Dozen Times – “Ezequiel Duran‘s been good in April, but you really think he’s worth rostering…Wait a second! This May is great! I have to pick him up, right? Wow! What a ride! This guy is great…Welp, the honeymoon’s over, I guess. This June stinks…Wait, this July is even better than his May! Meh, he’s hitting too low in the order…Hold on! Grey, not sure if you noticed but Ezequiel is hitting high in the order now. …Hey, Grey, Ezequiel’s stopped hitting. Hey, Grey, Ezequiel’s hitting. Hey, Grey is Ezequiel hitting or not? …Hey, Grey!!! GREY!!! Ezequiel!!! GREY!!! Ezequiel!!!” [smoke rises from your ears] Runners-up: Jac Caglianone and Jake Burger for the delightful Burger and Cannoli combo.

Player You Had Forever and Most Likely Should’ve Dropped – George Springer. This Zombino from 2025 was just playing dead in 2026. Runners-up: Corey Seager and Austin Riley.

Player On The Top Of Your Waivers That You Just Couldn’t Bring Yourself to Pick Up And It Cost You – “Who do you want me to pick up? Jake McCarthy? Meh, I’m good without that.” He was about as valuable as Bobby Witt Jr. this year, and Bobby Witt Jr. wasn’t bad this year.

Pitcher You Streamed So Much You Ended Up Owning Him – “Okay, I’ll grab Nick Martinez for his start, but I’m dropping him right afterwards.” *five months later* “Hoping Nick Martinez starts in my H2H finals, he’s my most reliable starter.”

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From, But Thankfully It Never Did – “So, when does Sal Stewart come down to earth? Mid-May?” Runner-up: Cade Cavalli.

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and It Ended Up Kicking You in the Groin – “James Wood is one of the greatest of all-time in the 1st half. He is unstoppable! There’s no way he falls off again this 2nd half!” Oopsie.

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and When It Did You Were Okay With It – Dylan Cease managed to provide a little bit value past his sell-by date, even if he threw so many innings he can no longer lift his arm.

Player You Traded Away That You Most Regretted – “After June, Pete Crow-Armstrong is Cooked City, I’m getting out now! Trading him for Jose Ramirez!” Three days into August, “This is the worst mistake of my life.”

Player You Traded For That You Most Regretted – “Grey, I know you say don’t trade in the preseason, but I just got Aaron Judge and Paul Skenes for Elly De La Cruz, Cade Smith and Pete Crow-Armstrong! I’m to winning what winning is to losing!”

Remember That Feeling You Had When You Walked In On Your Parents Having Sex, This Pitcher Gave You That Feeling Every Fifth Day – “Hey, mom, do you know where the remote control is–OH MY GOD KYLE BRADISH WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY FANTASY TEAM STOP!! GET OFF OF HER!!! THAT’S MY MOMMY!!!” Then Kyle Bradish impregnated your mother and left you to raise your sibling, but thankfully Garrett Crochet says he’ll be back soon to help. Any day now!