Braves Fourget To Switch To A No-Schwarb Diet

Saw someone recently make the case that Kyle Schwarber (4-for-6, 9 RBIs, 46th, 47th, 48th and 49th homers) would be a terrible Hall of Famer. Not like he’d enter the Hall and pee on the memorabilia, but as in he does not belong. Well, I say, I want a Hall where he does belong! Assuming he gets to 500 homers. “Ooh, WAR says he stinks in the field!” Yeah, we’ve made the standards too high, then. A Hall of Fame guy doesn’t need to do everything well. A Hall of Fame guy needs to do one thing like a Hall of Famer. Hitting effin’ dongs like a Hall of Famer makes someone a Hall of Famer! Reggie Jackson couldn’t field or hit for average, but he hit a ton of homers. And homers are cool! Phillies know homers are cool, as we saw last night. Another future HOFer, Bryce Harper (2-for-3, 3 runs) hit his 22nd homer. J.T. Realmuto (1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 11th homer. Max Kepler (1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 14th homer, 2nd homer in eight games. A Beatles week! Back to Schwarber for a second, before we get on the other side of the “anyway.” Nine RBIs were a Phils record, and no one in the Phils uniform had hit four homers in a game since Mike Jack Schmidt in 1976. Hall of Fame! Hall of Fame! Hall of–Oh, wait, as I was typing this up, Vidal Brujan made Schwarber pop out. Meh, he stinks. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Aaron Nola – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.47 vs. Cal Quantrill – 3 1/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 6.04. This was a showcase for pitchers to throw in next year’s Home Run Derby. Quantrill clearly won.

Matt Olson – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 21st homer, 2nd homer in two games. 30. That’s the number he has to get to for me to even consider him next year. Good luck.

Payton Tolle – Being called up by the Red Sox. Saw Payton Tolle’s name and I was like, “Oh, I know where this guy’s from!” He was born at a rest stop on the New Jersey Parkway and his parents didn’t have money to get through the next toll. Didn’t know if it was at the Judy Blume Service Area or the Bon Jovi Service Area, but I know it had to be one of those. Right after a Roy Rogers roast beef and some horsey sauce, they got to horsing around! Then I did a google, and he’s from Oklahoma, so I don’t know what is truth anymore. Either way, Payton Tolle is a very funny name. This guy get coins thrown at him everywhere? Does he have a basket strapped to his chest? Does he stick out his cheek every time he says his name? I have questions, y’all! One thing that’s clear from his minor league numbers is he’s more than ready — 91 2/3 IP in the minors with a 13.1 K/9 and 2.3 BB/9. Giddy the eff up! Just absolute filth. Itch said, “At 6’ 6” 250 lbs with plus command of a high-90’s fastball, Tolle makes for an intimidating, uncomfortable at bat, and I’m going to intimidate Grey with a bat.” C’mon! He was originally in my afternoon Buy column, because I reached out to some Red Sox people and they weren’t sure Tolle was coming up (they seemed to be leaning Kyle Harrison), but, clearly, I need new Red Sox people. Tolle is ready, and should be picked up everywhere, because on top of everything else, he’s apparently a time traveler. Tell me this guy doesn’t look like he’s from 1979:

Rob Refsnyder – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer. Future generations will refer to him as Rob Robotumpsynder.

Trevor Story – 1-for-4 and his 22nd homer, 2nd homer in three games, and third homer in a week. That’s the Story, Morning Glory! Might be a bounce back mirage, but don’t call it an Oasis.

Garrett Crochet – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.40. Consensus third starter off the board in next year’s drafts already. Four through 20 is a total mystery.

Cade Povich – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.04. Not saying he will be a 2026 sleeper, or even drafted in most 12-team mixed leagues next year, but he has a near-10 K/9 and 3.83 xFIP. I’ve seen worse!

Jose Quintana – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.69. Here was my experience seeing he got roughed up: Opens first team page where I have him, checks to see if I started him, shakes head that I did in fact start him, and closes team page, then multiple that experience by seven. Couldn’t have benched him in even one league, could I? Rhetorical, but I will answer. No, I didn’t.

Sal Frelick – 2-for-5 and his 10th homer, as he hit leadoff with Turang now hitting cleanup. I challenge the Brewers to steal bags and stop hitting homers. Challenge: Impossible.

Nabil Crismatt – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.84. Fun fact! “Nabil Crismatt” is how you ask for a check in Romania.

Taylor Rashi – 3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.00, as he got the DBacks’ save, but it was one of those weird three-inning jobbers, so nothing here. I will say Nabil/Rashi sounds like the most Bollywood baseball game. The postgame celebration must’ve been so colorful and well-choreographed.

Tyler Locklear – 0-for-3, 2 RBIs. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column because he’s kinda sucked so far, but Pavin Smith was just IL’d so Locklear might get some more playing time for NL-Only.

Jason Alexander – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.61. Astros got away with cheating in the World Series, and became so emboldened they decided to make George Costanza a MLB pitcher. Streamonator actually liked this start yesterday, because yadda yadda Rockies.

Yordan Alvarez – Didn’t play yesterday because he played two straight games after having five months off and was tired. Yordan will be ready to go again in December for two days.

Christian Walker – 2-for-4 and his 20th and 21st homer. Serious question: Would you draft Walker next year? If you answered yes, I can guess you don’t have him this year.

Jose Altuve – 1-for-4 and his 23rd homer. Went searching X for something about Altuve and found my own post that made me laugh:

Cam Smith and Jose Altuve in right field pic.twitter.com/5fxGOYws4H

— Razzball (@Razzball) March 26, 2025

Yanquiel Fernandez – 2-for-2 and his 2nd homer, then was pinch-hit out for Kyle Farmer, the 35-year-old who shouldn’t be on the team. Seriously, the Rockies are such a dysfunctional organization it drives me crazy. Think what you want of Yanquiel, but he’s young and maybe there’s something for them to build off of, so he homers — as the DH! — and they remove him. What possible reason could there be unless he hurt himself circling the bases a’la Nick Gonzales? Just obscenely stupid.

Ezequiel Tovar – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. Him and Yanquiel hit a home run to the same Astros fan in the right field stands, in the very first row. Elias Sports Bureau said that was the first time the same fan caught multiple homers without elbowing a child a’la Zack Hample.

Braxton Ashcraft –  5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.58. Between Burrows, Bubba, Braxton (say that fast 117 times!), the Pirates have them some interesting arms, besides Skenes. Itch said this past offseason, “A 2nd round pick in 2018, Ashcraft closed the season by kicking some serious ash in Triple-A, recording a 0.47 ERA and 0.98 WHIP across 19.1 innings. He was pretty good in 53.2 Double-A innings before that as well, winding up with a 3.69 ERA and 1.10 WHIP in 53.2 innings on the strength of a fastball that touches 98 and a slider he can consistently spot. He pairs those with a curveball and changeup. At 6’5” 195 lbs, Ashcraft has endured a journey full of stops and starts and retains some upside that’s obscured a bit by his age, and I’m going to obscure Grey’s face with my fist.” Not cool! Ashcraft is limited to Streamonator for me, but definitely monocle’ing him for next year.

Tommy Pham – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. Wonder if Tommy Pham knows our fantasy football tools are up and running for Week 1. Prolly!

Jordan Walker – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. It’s absurd how easily he powered this home run out to the deepest part of the field and only have five homers. No joke, Jordan Walker is perhaps the biggest riddle of a current player.

Corey Seager – Underwent an emergency appendicitis. I googled what is it like having your appendix removed, and it said, “Imagine dropping Yordan from your fantasy teams.”

Francisco Alvarez – On his rehab assignment for a sprained thumb, he was hit by a pitch and fractured his pinky. People obviously didn’t talk this past offseason enough about how Alvarez Freaky Friday’d with Buxton.

Frankie Montas – Will undergo UCL surgery. It’ll be performed by Frankie Muniz.

Clay Holmes – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.60. “He’s thrown more innings this year than his last two years combined.” That’s his surgeon in November.

Pete Alonso – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 30th homer. Albombso!

Miguel Vargas – 1-for-2, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer, a grand slam, which was unearned, which is just kinda hilarious to me. An unearned grand slam. Any hoo! Vargas looked like he hurt his wrist badly at first when Judge ran into him.

Will Warren – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.30, as he gave up the aforementioned unearned grand slam. Odd start for Warren, stats look like nothing he usually does, and vs. the Shite Sox. Wonder if he’s starting to tire. Or anomaly! Could be that too.

Cody Bellinger – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer, 2nd homer in two games, six homers in August and 10 homers since the break, as he sorta corrected his whole year in the last six weeks.

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (26) and legs (24), and 4th homer since Sunday. And all that Jazz!

Trent Grisham – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer, hitting .248. Grisham’s been about as valuable as Mookie Betts. Hmm, that sounds Betts’er in my head.

Dansby Swanson – 1-for-3 and his 19th homer, hitting .247. Dansby? Whoever heard of a Dansby?! Went to look at where Dansby was on the Player Rater, and got a Rude Awakening. He’s around the 15th best shortstop, or same as Oneil Cruz. [the world’s longest sigh]

Shota Imanaga – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.08. I could tell you if you take his one start of 3 IP, 7 ER out of his stats, he has an ERA of 2.61, but I won’t insult your intelligence.

Michael Busch – 1-for-4 and his 25th homer, hitting .260. Update That No Cares About! In one league, you might remember I traded for Busch. Before you shudder! I traded Lawrence Butler for him! What’s six turds of one and half dozen turds of another?

Bryce Eldridge – Reports are saying he’s unlikely to be called up this year. Oh well, you win some, you Eldridge others. We have a head start on my offseason rookie outlook post for him now. You remember “head start,” that program you didn’t get into and your parents were like, “It’s because you don’t take anything serious.” Hmm, maybe that was just me.

Logan Webb – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 hits, zero walks 7 Ks, ERA at 3.16. Webb gem.

Willy Adames – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 23rd and 24th homer, hitting .224. Adames and Devin Williams having career worst seasons after leaving Brewers, and Andrew Vaughn is now Ted Williams and Quinn Priester is Cy Young, but no one wants to hear my theories!!! [adjusts tinfoil cap] You ever see Rosemary’s Baby? Yeah, that baby is Bernie Brewer! The kielbasa running in the 7th inning stretch isn’t even Polish! It’s Lithuanian and it sold secrets to the Russians! [giant cane pulling me away] Wait! I’m not done! Pat Murphy is Illuminati!!!