Yesterday, Carlos Correa (4-for-8, 4 runs, 4 RBIs) hit two homers across the doubleheader (three in last three games), making it look easy like North Korea during the ‘imaginary’ Olympics that are being aired in North Korea. “It looks like the U.S.A. is going to take 1st place…” Bad editing splice job, 20 second lag, bad voiceover, “And North Korea just edges out 1st place! Wow, this will be…” Bad editing splice job, obvious voiceover, “North Korea’s one billionth medal win.” By the way, are you as surprised as me that during Olympic competitions you haven’t see any of this: “Okay, Argentina will now be serving for the win. Whoa, I think the Spanish coach just unleashed a nest of mosquitos! He’s Zika’ing them out!” Seriously, no one is Zika’ing out their opponents. So, Carlos Correa found some of his footing yesterday that he showed last August/September. Wait, is he only an August and September player? Septacular! Now he’s going to get to 25+ HRs on the year and be overdrafted again next year. We need a bad editing splice job to remove his 2nd half stats for next preseason. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jose Altuve – 5-for-9, 3 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .365. This little guy is a machine! Yes, call him Small Wonder. If no one in Houston dresses on Halloween as the little girl from Small Wonder while wearing an Altuve jersey, ya’ll missing out. In fact, a whole group of fans should be doing this at every Astros’ game. The group I’d choose is the Bushs.
Marwin Gonzalez – 6-for-11, 2 runs, 3 RBIs. In only slightly related news, have either guy brought up to replace Marwin (Reed and Bregman) gotten a hit yet in the majors?
George Springer – 5-for-9, 5 runs, 6 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting .260. Good hitters vs. Twins pitchers = Mystery Dum-Dum lollipop. Hmm, math’s a little off there, was supposed to be ‘yum yum, show pop.’
Doug Fister – 7 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.61. Fister and the Twins should’ve been much prettier. Much, much sexier, and prettier, and…sigh.
Jose Berrios – 2 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 9.32. Berrios is so off it’s like he’s watching the Rio Olympics asking where’s the curling at? “Yo, where my curling at?!”
Kennys Vargas – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and two homers in the 1st game (5, 6). He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but a multiple home run game from a multi-Ken is worth looking at for power.
Mike Trout – 1-for-2 and his 22nd homer. He hit that in the 1st inning, then did nothing. Bangfizzle.
Carlos Santana – 1-for-4 and his 25th homer. Where was this last year when I owned this schmohawk? Not to answer, but to wallow in my sadness.
Lonnie Chisenhall – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs, hitting .296. There wasn’t much that Jhoulys Chacin (1 1/3 IP, 7 ER) threw in the first two innings that the Indians didn’t hit right back at him. They be Chacin him! Amiright?! C’mon, seriously, high-five the crap out of my hand. Gently though, I have arthritis.
Mike Napoli – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 4 BRIs and his 29th homer. The Indians’ offense this year is like Todd Solondoz’s early career. It is so over-performing you’re like, “Give me Naquin, Napoli, Almonte, Welcome to the Dollhouse, Happiness, they can do no wrong!” Then, at some point, the Indians will give you Palindromes, and you won’t know what to make of it. That point has not come yet.
Jose Ramirez – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting near-.400 in the last week. Damn, I just want a taste of the Indians’ offense right now!
Matt Duffy – Will be activated today. Our God, who art in the Marlins’ outfield, hallowed be thy name, please don’t ever let my fantasy teams be so bad that I’m super excited about Matt Duffy returning. Amen. Now, let’s watch some baseball, drink beer and fart real loud!
Arodys Vizcaino – Could return next week. I never thought I’d say this, since I own Arodys, but I also own Johnson and I’m hoping for a setback from Vizcaino.
Erick Aybar – 3-for-5 and his 2nd homer. I wonder what his brother Willy Aybar is up to. *wavy lines* I don’t care if there’s a good reason you’re late on your payment. Alfredo Simon sent me to collect the money and that’s I’m gonna do. *wavy lines* Good to see he’s keeping himself busy.
Chris Carter – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer, and his 2nd homer in the last two games. He gets hot like clockwork. A clock that is right once a week every six weeks. He’s the type of hitter that could hit another five homers in the next week, so, if you need power, grab him.
Hernan Perez – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .288. His month of July (4 HRs, 9 SB) was a 20+ HR, 50+ SB pace, which is absurd, but he hasn’t cooled off that dramatically to not own him.
Keon Broxton – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 12th steal. I go over Broxton in this afternoon’s Buy, and if that doesn’t get you all jazzed up like John Coltrane on heroin, I don’t know you as well as I thought.
Orlando Arcia – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 1st steal. You should still be giving him more time, but I’m not going to help you with your combover and I’m certainly not going to tell you what to do.
Scooter Gennett – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .270. Hasn’t done much recently, but maybe this will be the kickstart Scooter needs. Vroom, vroom.
Tyler Glasnow – Will make a rehab start on Sunday at Double-A Altoona. Is there some kind of arcane MLB rule that minor league teams have to play in silly sounding cities? “That hurts, man.” I’m sorry, City of Rancho Cucamonga.
Jameson Taillon – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.85. When he was called up, someone commented that they watched him and weren’t that impressed. That person may or may not work as a scout for the Padres. A week before Jake McGee lost his closer gig and a week before Taillon was called up, I traded McGee for Taillon. Thanks, Andy Behrens! And, since I’m trolling, Rudy didn’t understand the trade either. Here he is on Words With Friends chat. Sometimes the ABC’s of fantasy get lost on even the ‘perts. ABCs being, Always Be trading Closers.
David Peralta – Underwent wrist surgery. Damn, he wasted no time. Peralta don’t need no second opinions. Shoot, Peralta don’t even need no anesthesia. Peralta is going to pull up to a drive-thru window, stick his wrist out and yell operate.
Braden Shipley – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.96. I know I’m not the only one that reads a Fangraphs’ article and gets through 1,500 words for the conclusion, “Could be a league-average starter.” Make like Throgs Neck and abridge! Shipley is that ‘league-average starter’ if you haven’t concluded, oh, and ‘league-average’ feels generous right now. He’s been getting lucky.
Chris Owings – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and hitting over-.300 in the last week with two steals in the last three games. No Yasmany schmotato here, but for some speed and an MI, Owings does look hot.
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-3, 1 run and two steals (15, 16), hitting .299. He’s such a 5-category threat that even when he doesn’t have a huge power year, he’s still a top 20 bat, but I doubt I’m stretching reality when I say 18 HRs so far from Au Shizz has been far from thrilling. Not to mention, he’s in a home park that is just barely not-Coors.
Noah Syndergaard – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.75. Between Syndergaard and deGrom, the Mets are cornering the market on ace-looking ERAs, but not feeling-like-an-ace vibes. Those vibes include grumbling, comparing their K-rates and velocities to previous years and spurs. Lots of spurs.
Jose Fernandez – Will be skipped in his next turn in the rotation. So it begins…Only the Marlins also skipped him randomly in June too. Member that? Talk about a well-run machine, that Marlins organization. No wonder they have “first 10,000 fan giveaways” and they end up putting half of the Jeff Conine bobbleheads on eBay.
Brad Ziegler – 1 IP, 3 ER. My picking up of middle relievers has been some kind of karmic retribution for a past life’s mistake. You wouldn’t believe how many times I pick up a reliever only to watch him immediately give up multiple runs. Wait, why don’t you believe me? That’s not cool. I’m hurting over here!
Hanley Ramirez – Left after a collision with Gary Sanchez. Red Sox are calling him day-to-day. Actually, they just said, “You know, the uze.”
Danny Duffy – 9 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.82. True story, last night, I was feeling especially amorous, so I went behind Cougs and I said, “C’mon, I got a Duffy.”
Rougned Odor – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .281. I mentioned this yesterday with Lindor, how it’s great value to have a guy hitting well as the number three hitter. With that said, Odor hasn’t been the three hitter all year, but should be and could be next year. Zoinks!
Adrian Beltre – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Was nice to see Prince Fielder try to touch Beltre’s head at his retirement press conference. Baseball needs more OCD-type weird behavior.
Mitch Moreland – 3-for-4 and his 19th homer. With Fielder gone, the Rangers are going to have to rely on Moreland rather than a guy that took up more land.
Charlie Blackmon – 4-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, and third homer this week, hitting .317. Also, this week, under his romance novelist pseudonym, Chazz Noir, released his 470-page opus, Charlie and the Sexual Chocolate Factory. A story of a teenaged boy learning from sexual deviant Humpa Humpas and Look-at-my-Willy Wonka.
Carlos Gonzalez – Ran sprints yesterday. Me too! I ran Sprints on my cellular talking thing!
Mark Reynolds – Hit the DL with a hamate bone injury, which makes room for…Todd Helton! Okay, he’s retired, but never underestimate the Rockies’ wont to go with a way-past-their-prime 1st baseman. Can they wrangle Morneau away from the White Sox? They will try, I’m sure.
Pedro Strop – Hit the DL with a torn meniscus. And that’s why Strop’s using a ramp! His knee is broke, but it’s okay. Hates California, it’s cold and it’s damp. That is why Strop uses a ramp!
Matt Adams – Hit the DL with shoulder inflammation. He thinks it might be due to the straps being too tight on his manssiere.
Brandon Moss – 2-for-5 and his 19th homer. And this afternoon will be the 19th and last time I tell you to pick up Moss.
Carlos Martinez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.34 vs. Jon Lester – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.93. This led to two (stutterer!) no decisions, but those in Quality Start leagues don’t care. I’m sorry, but is a Quality Start an exciting stat to track for anyone? Wins have their flaws, but I never rode around on a mop dressed like a horse screaming, “Woo-hoo, Quality Start!”
Matt Holliday – Headed for x-rays after being hit on the hand by a pitch. And that’s why, boys and girls, you don’t backhand a pitch.
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 32nd homer. He’s hitting around .130 in August and has only 4 homers since the All-Star break. Told you the end would come at some point, only I obviously told you a bit too soon.
Chris Tillman – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.46. This start came in Oakland and I’m not sure there’s any pitchers I wouldn’t stream against the A’ss, and their .290 OBP, .374 SLG home numbers. The A’s home numbers are on par with Jordy Mercer’s slugging and Adeiny Hechaverybadplayer’s OBP.
Andrew Triggs – 4 IP, 3 ER. Okay, I call BS! These starters Billy Beane is using don’t exist! He’s sending valets out there with a jersey they bought at the souvenir shop. I let the Zach Neal, Ross Detwiler ones go, but there’s no such player as Andrew Triggs!
Ryon Healy – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .230. Also, in this game, Max Muncy (1-for-3) hit his 2nd homer. Which brings me to my point, I’m not sure anyone on the A’s team really exists. Beane might’ve got so many ‘great’ deals that he sold off his entire team by accident.
Yasiel Puig – Early yesterday, the Dodgers said Puig will be taking questions from the media on Friday, then never again as long as he’s in the minors. Were the Dodgers planning on gagging Puig with an apple? We’ll never know, because soon after the Dodgers said Puig can speak to the media. Is the luau off too?
