Fantasy Baseball Advice

The other day we went over the top 20 third basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball for our 2012 fantasy baseball rankings.  Today, we turn our bejeweled eyeglasses to the top 20 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball.  The top twenty outfielders will need to go to a top 40 then a top 60 then a top 80.  Unfortunately, outfield is pretty shallow.  Guess outfielders come in waves… much like sperm whales.  Oofa!  For five outfielder leagues, this really blows, which is only a positive if you’re a sperm whale.  Zadow!  As always, these top 20 outfielders are broken up into tiers with my projections.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball:

1. Jose Bautista – Went over his projections in the top 10 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

2. Matt Kemp – Went over his projections in the top 10 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

3. Justin Upton – Went over his projections in the top 10 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

4. Jacoby Ellsbury – Went over his projections in the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

5. Carlos Gonzalez – Went over his projections in the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

6. Andrew McCutchen – Went over his projections in the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball.  This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Pence.  I call this tier, “These players.  ‘What Grey wants in every league, Alex?’”  The outfield isn’t quite as deep as it should be considering there’s three of these suckers playing at any given moment on all teams and the Reds have four.

7. Mike Stanton – Went over his projections in the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

8. Jay Bruce – What we got from Bruce last year may not have been totally Boss, but a guy that can give you a 30+ homer and 8+ steal season is valuable nowadays.  If Bruce manages to pull a rabbit out of his hat, he could improve in all five categories and there will be a magician somewhere wondering why Jay Bruce has his rabbit.  2012 Projections:  90/34/100/.270/10

9. Josh Hamilton – I think the market has finally figured out Hamilton.  No longer is everyone expecting a MVP season every time out.  People have realized he’s Mr. Glass.  When healthy, Hamilton hits homers and a solid average, runs and RBIs.  When he’s not healthy, you plug in someone else.  In 12 team mixed leagues, it’s much easier to do that than in deep AL-Only ones so keep that in mind when drafting.  (In AL-Only leagues or any leagues with less waiver wire options, I’d move Hamilton down to the next tier.)  2012 Projections:  75/27/85/.295/7

10. Nelson Cruz – Take the above and just “find” Hamilton and “replace” with Cruz.  I think the market has finally figured out Cruz.  No longer is everyone–Well, you can do it on your own.  2012 Projections:  70/30/85/.260/10

11. Hunter Pence – He’s a square peg in this round tier.  Everyone else in this tier has crazy upside and some potential pitfalls.  Pence is steady as she goes, Raconteurs.  Last year he hit a few less homers, but I could see him actually hitting a few more homers this year because he won’t be playing under the tyranny of the recently-exiled Ed Wade’s Toupee.  (Was actually surprised Astros fans weren’t more excited about the disposal of the Toupee, but, then again, I don’t think there are Astros fans.)  2012 Projections:  95/25/100/.280/10

12. Curtis Granderson – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Victorino.  I call this tier, “How is this tier different than all other tiers?  This tier I’m going to pass over.”  Went over his projections in the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

13. Matt Holliday – I’m done with Holliday until next year or the year after when he falls into the tier of outfielders with guys like Vernon Wells.  He’s still too coveted for what he used to do rather than what he’s about to do.  Oh, and please don’t ask in the comments if this means I would never draft Holliday.  I would take Pence, Cruz and Bruce before him and I’ve seen Holliday taken before them, so how am I drafting Holliday?  I’m not taking four outfielders in the course of one pick, i.e., I’m not drafting Holliday before others so I’m not getting him.  Sorry to longtime readers who had to read that, but I feel like I always get these questions around the time of rankings.  2012 Projections:  85/24/90/.305/5

14. Lance Berkman -  Went over Berkman’s projections at the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball post.

15. Shane Victorino – We had a good run.  Victorino and I.  It’s come to an end.  Howard’s banged up, Utley’s a nail clipping incident away from the 15-day DL and Rollins has more miles on him than your Chrysler LeBaron.  Victorino’s runs and RBIs will be affected.  His speed is affected by his age, and he’s not a big power threat.  If he falls far enough I could see maybe taking him, but it’s time to bid him aloha.  The goodbye version of aloha, that is.  2012 Projections:  85/15/55/.275/20

16. Michael Morse – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here into the top 40 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball.  I call this tier, “I’ll happily reach for one of these guys if I have to, in the non-sexual way.  Though it’s kinda sad this is the third tier of outfielders that I’m excited about.  Times is tough, yo.”  Went over Morse’s projections at the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball post.

17. Desmond Jennings – I already went over my Desmond Jennings 2012 fantasy.  While I wrote it, a leprechaun with a broken GPS looking for a rainbow appeared out my window.  2012 Projections:  80/16/65/.275/35

18. B.J. Upton – Honestly, I might be the only fantasy baseball ‘pert who doesn’t mind Fellatio Upton.  Sure, he hits for a wonky average, but so does your mom.  (Actually, I don’t know how well your mom hits for average.  Though she looks like she can’t leg out many infield hits on those cankles.)  Upton hits for power and steals bases.  I’m willing to go out on a limb that he can luck into a .260 average one of these years with his wheels and still go 20/40.  At 27 years of age, this is the year I’m betting on.  2012 Projections:  80/20/85/.250/40

19. Adam Jones – He has a few strikes against him.  But games haven’t started yet?!  Strikes against him was a figure of speech, Random Italicized Voice.  Jones’s ground ball rate isn’t great, which makes me think we’ll need to be lucky to get over 25 homers and his walk rate is near abysmal.  A guy that can give 25/12/.285 is valuable though in today’s bear market, which only sounds like a grocery store in The Castro.  2012 Projections:  80/25/90/.285/12

20. Drew Stubbs – Stubbs isn’t really the same player as Fellatio Upton, so I battled with how to get him out of the same tier.  I battled myself by dunking my hands in two bowls of Jell-O, then thumb-wrestling myself to a ten round draw.  I ended up figuring it was fine to put Stubbs in the same tier but below him.  2012 Projections:  80/17/55/.240/40

Went over the catchers, 1st basemen, 2nd basemen and shortstops and top 20 3rd basemen for 2011. Guess what’s next!  No, not pitchers. Read the title, man.  In 2010, there were only 5 outfielders that hit 30 homers, this year there were 9.  It isn’t exactly like a bleached Sammy Sosa is sticking players with needles, but at least the rich got a little richer — yay, capitalism!  Steals were still in abundance, and that doesn’t seem like it’s going anywhere any time soon.  There were 14 outfielders who stole 30 bases with Michael Bourn still eating the baby out of the king cake.  Since outfield is a deep position, I’m going to turn this one to 40.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

1. Matt Kemp – In the preseason, I ranked him 12th overall for all players.  Find another ‘pert who ranked him that high last year.  You’re wasting your time, you won’t find them.  I ranked him as the 2nd outfielder overall.  Just off Ryan Braun.  He was drafted on average 26th overall and some ‘perts had him in the 40′s.  He wasn’t an obvious pick.  2010 was not a good year, but he dropped his ball and anchor — or is it whips and chains? — and asked you to say his name.  In the preseason, I said, “A total off year in 2010.  That’s clear.  He still hit 28 home runs and stole 19 bases.  Sure, he hit .249, but he’s a career .285 hitter and his BABIP shows he was horribly unlucky last year.  Yes, his Ks went up, but what happens when someone is unlucky?  They press and start swinging at more pitches outside the strike zone.  At 26 years old for the majority of 2011, now is not the time to give up on Kemp.”  You can’t make that shizz up.  Okay, you can, but it would be pretty easy to double-check it.  Preseason Rank #2, 2011 Projections:  100/30/105/.285/22, Final Numbers: 115/39/126/.324/40

2. Jacoby Ellsbury – And as right as I was on Kemp, I didn’t see any of this Ellsbury season coming.  About a month into the season I even compared Ellsbury to Gardner.  While Gardner didn’t have a bad season, Ellsbury came out of nowhere with power that made him way more valuable.  But the whole “came out of nowhere” thing makes me think we’re looking at a career year for Ellsbury.  Preseason Rank #21, 2011 Projections:  90/7/70/.290/45, Final Numbers: 119/32/105/.321/39

3. Ryan Braun – In honor of The Hebrew Hammer, I wrote this about three weeks ago on Yom Kippur so I’ll make this fast.  Zing!  BTW, what’s the only thing you’re allowed to eat during Yom Kippur?  Atone-mints.  Zadow!  The fact that Braun wasn’t the number one outfielder with the year he had is more an (old) testament to the guys above him.  Preseason Rank #1, 2011 Projections:  105/32/120/.295/15, Final Numbers:  109/33/111/.332/33

4. Curtis Granderson – It sure was fun while it was going on, but now that Grandy’s 2011 is over it’s time to get real, I mean, was he for real?  God, no.  Will depend on where he gets drafted next year, but off the top of my head I’ll say he will be overrated next year.  Preseason Rank #27, 2011 Projections:  70/25/80/.260/15, Final Numbers:  136/41/119/.262/25

5. Jose Bautista – Went over him in the top 20 3rd basemen post.

6. Justin Upton – There’s guys that will repeat 2011 for a few years if they can avoid injury like Braun and there’s guys like Grandy and Melky.  Upton’s not a Melky or Grandy.  He’s a Braun.  Though Upton’s a lot more the Upton we saw this year than Braun was the Braun that we saw this year.  And that sentence wasn’t half as confusing in my head.  Preseason Rank #7, 2011 Projections:  85/26/95/.270/20, Final Numbers:  105/31/88/.289/21

7. Michael Bourn – There’s a few Razzball concepts that just work perfectly, if I can be so immodest.  SAGNOF is one.  It becomes apparent when you see ESPN rank someone like Bourn 7th overall.  Imagine on April 15th you were to trade Bourn straight up for Justin Upton then grab someone off waivers like Coco Crisp.  Your league would’ve had a conniption.  People would’ve immediately started sending notarized letters to your commissioner, using synonyms for unfair that they found in the thesaurus.  Preseason Rank #40 1/2, 2011 Projections:  80/3/40/.265/45, Final Numbers: 94/2/50/.294/61

8. Melky Cabrera – First player to come out of nowhere, but I don’t think he was the 8th ranked outfielder.  (I know it seems like I recap the players according to the ESPN Player Rater then disagree with it every step of the way, but c’est la vie, as Francouer would say.)  Melky’s stats made him a great third outfielder, solid across the board production.  As for where this season from Melky came from, he’s being seriously aided by plate appearances.  706 PA’s last year for 18 homers and 20 steals?  If his PA’s fall into the 550 range as they had most years prior to 2011, his stats are gonna look like Mike Aviles.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  102/18/87/.305/20

9. Alex Gordon – I recapped Alex Gordon’s season already.  I wrote that while stuffing a duck’s gullet for some foie gras.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  101/23/87/.303/17

10. Carlos Gonzalez – I knew CarGo wasn’t repeating his 2010, gave you preseason projections that were almost perfect and told you he was overrated.  Yet, I feel like he didn’t disappoint as much as he could have.  How dare you overperform your underperformance!  Preseason Rank #5, 2011 Projections:  90/24/95/.285/20, Final Numbers:  92/26/92/.295/20

11. Hunter Pence – Here’s a guy that is cast in the Braun/Upton mold.  You can set your watch to a decent year from Pence.  Give or take some power, some speed, some average… Well, his stats are always there…thereabouts.  Preseason Rank #10, 2011 Projections:  90/25/90/.290/15, Final Numbers:  84/22/97/.314/8

12. Lance Berkman – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen post.

13. Jeff Francoeur – Imagine if the peasant Royals would’ve actually had some pitching in 2011.  They would’ve easily made the postseason only to be bounced by the Rangers.  The Royals had more runs scored than the Phillies, Brewers and Rays.  As for fantasy, guys that surprise by overproducing are terrific.  But — and unless you’re an alien, there’s always a but — how many fantasy owners actually got these seasons in their entirety?  In deep leagues?  Sure.  You draft a guy like Frenchy and pray, then thank your deity of choice when he pans out.  But in shallow leagues, you look at a guy like Frenchy and maybe pick him up after he does some hitting, then maybe drop him when he stops for a few weeks then maybe you grab him again, but you don’t have these players for the whole season.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  77/20/87/.285/22

14. Michael Morse – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen post.

15. Josh Hamilton – Ellsbury threw me for a loop, Grandy exceeded my expectations by a shizzton and Melky did what no one thought he could with a bunch of plate appearances, but Hamilton once again did exactly what I thought he would.  Good while healthy with “while healthy” having its own solar system.  Preseason Rank #6, 2011 Projections:  85/27/100/.305/7, Final Numbers: 80/25/94/.298/8

16. B.J. Upton – People seem to hate B.J.  I think it’s the low average bias that permeates fantasy.  It’s odd that there’s such a bias when average is the hardest thing to predict.  Hate on low power or low speed, but low average?  It’s a horn bet.  Preseason Rank #19, 2011 Projections:  95/17/75/.250/40, Final Numbers: 82/23/81/.243/36

17. Ben Zobrist – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen post.

18. Andrew McCutchen – Last year we found out that The Dread Pirate wasn’t quite ready to take the next step like I thought he would.  He didn’t come up that short, but short enough as they say at dwarf bowling.  I really try to focus on making these blurbs about what the players did last year rather than looking ahead, but that’s easier said than done.  The Dread Pirate is gonna be my 2012 Matt Kemp.  There’s no one more exciting to me for next year that had a slightly down year.  Preseason Rank #2, 2011 Projections:  100/18/60/.290/38, Final Numbers: 87/23/89/.259/23

19. Coco Crisp – At 31 years old, he had his best season.  Coco Crisp must’ve been eating his Lucky Charms.  All of these steals came from a Billy Beane-GM’d team.  I guess there’s market efficiencies with steals now.  You’re probably not asking yourself what I thought of Moneyball, but I’ll tell you anyway.  SPOILER ALERT (but the movie has been out for over a month, you really have that much to do?)  I was kinda disappointed.  To go all EW on you, I’d give it a B, but I was hoping for an A.  Damn you, expectations.  I know Michael Lewis glossed over the fact Zito, Mulder, Hudson and the steroid-fueled Chavez and Tejada were actually a big part of the A’s success so I figured the movie would do the same.  It did.  They want a fairy tale about how some unknowns carried the team to glory.  Yay, Scott Hatteberg is undervalued and he uses a bat carved from a tree that lightning struck!  Not really, but whatever.  I was more disappointed because I was bored during stretches and I didn’t like Jonah Hill at all.  Hey, let’s get the Jew to find value where others are missing it!  Finally, I wanted some unintentional comedy with Royce Clayton playing Tejada.  “Hey, Miggy, do you have diabetes?”  Cut to:  Tejada holding a syringe.  Tejada, “Yes.  Blood sugar low.”  Though that song the daughter sings is hella (do the kids still say this?) catchy.  Should’ve changed the lyrics though:  I’m just a GM stuck in Oakland… I’m kind of sick of being so broke and having my team get to the playoffs only to choke.  Slow it down, make it stop… Miguel Tejada’s arms look like their gonna pop… BTW, if you wanna read movie reviews, my friend has a movie review blog.  Preseason Rank #62, 2011 Projections:  50/6/35/.260/22, Final Numbers:  69/8/54/.264/49

20. Emilio Bonifacio – Went over him in the top 20 3rd basemen post.

Mike Moustakas was called up!  No, he wasn’t! Yeah, he was, random italicized voice, why are you giving me a hard time?  Keeping you honest. Since nothing’s changed since last time I went over him but the date, here’s what I said in the offseason, “Last year, he spent time at Double and Triple-A.  Not at the same time, that would be some Multiplicity shizz.  In 484 ABs, he hit 36 homers and batted .322.  As they say in Moustakas’ home country, “Wow.”  (He’s from L.A.)  Then they would throw a glass into the fireplace and spray some Windex.  This past year saw Moustakas named the Texas League Player of the Year, which is more prestigious than the Koo Koo Roo Employee of the Year, but only barely.  As his skipper said, “(Moustakas) missed the first 16 games of the season and by midseason he was leading the league in all the categories.  And where’s Gilligan?!” And that’s me quoting me!  This year, more of the same.  In 55 games, 10 home runs.  I’ll conservatively give him 40/15/50/.280 in 275 at-bats.  He’s a pick up in every league for his eligibility alone.  To get all Iliad on you, it’s Moustakas of Troy that launched a thousand homers.  It’s also no accident that my iPhone wanted to autocorrect “Moustakas of Troy” into moistened trousers.   Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Aviles – Was sent down to make room for Moustakas.  The Royals obviously wanted to see more of Chris Getz.  Well, I guess the Royals can only make one intelligent decision at a time.

Dustin Pedroia – Has just a knee bruise, won’t need surgery and could return on Friday.  That’s awesome news!  A guy who has been downright terrible because of his ailing knee only needs one day of rest.  Riiiiiiiiiiight.  Extra I’s for sarcastic emphasis.

Ricky Romero – 8 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 3.18 on the year.  The biggest compliment I can give any player is I wish I owned them.  I wish I owned Romero.  (Now I will receive trade offers of Romero for Stanton.  Rudy and I were noticing that our Stanton receives by far the most offers to take over his services.  And that might be only interesting to Rudy and me.)

Mike Stanton – Hit his 14th homer this year.  Speaking of which, he’s going to hit 35 homers this year.  You can count on one hand the guys I’d give a better than 50% shot at 35 homers — Pujols, Fielder, Bautista, Teixeira and Stanton.  There’s others with a 25% chance, but not that many.

Chris Snyder – Out for the season with back surgery.  Sounds like a good excuse for a year pass to Burke Williams.  What?  I gotta speak to our three lady readers too sometimes.  Hey, ladies!

Jerry Sands – The guy who sounds like a 1960′s casino owner was sent back down to the hole in the Albuquerque desert where the Dodgers’ Triple-A affiliate plays.

Trevor Cahill – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  For some reason this guy has a bunch of supporters that come out of the woodwork when I say he’s not as good as he was showing.  Not entirely sure why and I’m pretty sure no one’s going to say anything after he pitches poorly.  Wait until after his next good start, then we’ll hear from them.  For what it’s Wuertz, since I told you in early May he was due for a correction, he has a 4.68 ERA.

Jair Jurrjens – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He now has a 1.82 ERA on the year.  If you think he’s a sub-2 ERA pitcher, I have a box of Jose Canseco Sportflix cards to sell you.  And, when he regresses to a 3.00 ERA, he still won’t have any Ks.

Adam Dunn – 1-for-3 with his 6th home run.  Luckily, the big man asked for a five count King Kong Bundy-style, cause he needed a four and a half before he showed signs.

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-2 with a triple.  It’s Rizzo, jerky!

Aaron Harang – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  His ERA is better than Gallardo’s.  Stab me in the eye.

Josh Hamilton – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer.  Member in my preseason rankings when I put Hamilton much lower than any other ‘perts because of his injury history and how he had a 10 homer season in 2009?  He’s on pace for around 10 homers right now.  We’ll see if he gets there after his inevitable next DL stint.

Jonny Venters – Notched his 2nd save of the season.  Fredi Gonzalez said that they just needed to give Kimbrel rest.  Then he winked twice and nudged the reporter.  When asked about the double wink nudge, Fredi pulled his ear.  The reporter then asked if he was playing charades and Fredi touched his nose.

Joba Chamberlain – Might need Tommy John surgery.  I don’t remember that being a part of the 5-step Joba Rules plan laid out by Cashman, but I didn’t read the whole document.

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  His season ERA is 1.93.  I will not say anything else for fear my typees will put the jinx on.

Jonathon Niese – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He’s coming in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  You can hardly wait.  No, you!

Juan Nicasio – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Still not as pretty as I think he can look but he gets the Padres next.  That’s usually the soup for what ails you.

Eric Young Jr. – He’s a tiny guy.  Are we sure the manager knows he’s there?

David Hernandez – He got the save because Putz was stiff.  Hehe… Can grab Hernandez for potential vulture saves, but Putz is said to be up and moving in the right direction.  Hehe…

Bob Geren – The A’s manager was replaced by Bob Melvin.  They should’ve got Bob the Builder.

Ryan Madson – Blew his first save of the year.  Hopefully this doesn’t open the flood gates and he goes back to a Cuddle Boy who can’t handle the pressure.  Charlie Manuel met with the press after the game in overalls and no shirt underneath, which caused all the reporters to flee so no word at this time, but I’m sure Madson’s fine.

Geovany Soto – 2-for-5 and his 4th home run.  This ever happen to you — some players do nothing for so long you forget that they’re still playing?  That’s been Geovany for me.

Delmon Young – 3-for-4 with his 2nd homer.  Speaking of players I thought suddenly retired months ago and I had just forgot about.  Member when Delmon was a can’t miss prospect?  Ah, yes, those were the days.  Boy, the way Damian Miller played…Dongs to make the hit parade…Guys like Gus Bell, they had it made…

Corey Hart with 3 homers, 7 RBIs and a pair of sunglasses.  Never surrender, Corey Hart!  In short, you should grab him if he’s on waivers (80% owned in Yahoo).  In shorter, grab him.  In shortest, grab.  He’s streaky like Bret Boone’s hair in the 90′s and this is obviously the start of a good one.  If he’s not on waivers and someone else owns him, you bid him adieu, assuming you’re French.  (I know how much the French are into fantasy baseball.)  Just as I felt in the beginning of the year, I don’t think Hart comes anywhere near his 2010 stats.  Très bummer!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Stephen Strasburg – Threw off the mound for the first time.  His fan club, the House of Strasburg, has time to launder their early-1900s, Austrian officer uniforms as their ordainment of St. Rasburg will probably have to wait until next year.

Drew Storen – 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Kazaam!

Howie Kendrick – Sat out for his 4th straight day with moans over his hammy.  Sounds like he’s headed to the DL.  Will update you as soon as I read about it somewhere else.

Mitchell Boggs – Sent to the minors.  La Russa said, “I just cut 15% of Razzball’s Cardinal bullpen questions.  You’re welcome, Grey.  Now adopt a kitten.”

Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4 with a homer yesterday.  He’s baaaaack!  Which, for him, is better than “Oh, no, his baaaaack!”

Josh Hamilton – 2-for-4 with his first homer of the season in his return from the DL.  Not to be the bee in your bonnet (say that fast 117 times!), but the Yin and Yang nature of the Rangers injuries means Kinsler will probably be hurt within a week now.

Alexi Ogando – 9 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Murray Chass called and said, “How’s that for a regression to his xFIP?”

Joe Blanton – Will get a second opinion on his elbow.  Come on, there’s gotta be one Phillie fan out there that is crazy enough to go Dr. Rosenrosen on Blanton and pretend to be his doctor to shut him down for the year.  Here’s your lines, “You’ve got a serious case of tennis elbow.”  “But I don’t play tennis.”  “I don’t blame you with that elbow.”

Chase Utley – 0-for-5 in his return as the Phils scored 10 runs.  Ticker tease!  Or is that ticker season?

Edinson Volquez – Sent to the minors.  My ERA and WHIP sends its regards in the form of an extended middle finger.

Sam LeCure – Supposedly, he’ll take Volquez’s rotation spot when it comes up again on Friday.  LeCure was walking around the clubhouse singing, “I don’t care if Monday’s blue, Tuesday’s gray and Wednesday too…”

Bronson Arroyo – 2 2/3 IP, 9 ER.  Almost as bad as his guitar playing.

Jay Bruce – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs, hitting .282 with 12 homers.  We haven’t had a “Grey is a prescient S.O.B.” in a few, so here ya go.  Two weeks into the season, people wanted to drop Bruce because of his season-starting slump.  Then a giant Gallagher hammer knocked me over the melon and I wrote the Bruce Buy post.  (Oh, and Pedro Alvarez was a sell there, when he still had some modicum of value.)

Adam LaRoche – To the DL with a torn LaBrum.  Take that, capitalization Gods!  “YOU WILL FEEL OUR WRATH.”  Uh-oh.

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – Will begin rehab this week.  Oh, joy, I get to spell his name regularly again.  If you’re hurting at MI (and, really, who isn’t?), I’d stash Nishioka now.  He should return in about a week and a half.

Jim Thome – Hit two homers in the same game that Jack Cust hit a home run.  With these guys going deep in the same game, it seems like this game should’ve been shown in black and white.

Matt Capps -  1 2/3 IP, 1 ER.  The only thing worse than Capps recently has been Nathan.  On a real baseball note, the Twins have been dreadful.  Feels like the first time in a while they’re out of it this early.  Oh, and the Indians have the best record in baseball.  Zoinks!

Will Venable – Sent down by the Padres for underperformance.  That’s hard to do with their offense.  That’s like flunking out of the University of Phoenix.  San Diego should move their AAA team to Tijuana.  Then when you say, “He got sent down from San Diego,” it’s actually the truth.

Bartolo Colon – 6 IP, 6 ER.  Sadly, I’m sure he took out a lot of innocent bystanders when he crashed back to earth.

Carlos Villanueva – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I used to like Villanueva when he was on the Brewers.  Decent K-rate, but he’s getting crazy lucky right now on the Blue Jays.  Wouldn’t touch him outside of deep AL-Only leagues.  BTW, his last name goes well with the tune, La Isla Bonita.  Maybe Lady Gaga will write a song about him.

Jose Bautista – 1-for-3 with his 19th home run.  In other news, I don’t know if water is wet or dry because Bautista has changed everything I know about the world.

Kenley Jansen – 2/3 IP, 3 ER and the blown save.  Jansen was called on to close the game last night, and that’s where the good news ends.  I’d continue to hold Guerrier for now if you’re desperate for saves.  Yes, I’m praying I don’t have the audacity to pick up Mike MacDougal.  (BTW, Audacity is on the map just above capacity.)

Asdrubal Cabrera – 3-for-4 with his 10th home run and 7th steal.  You know there’s gonna be a baby boy this summer in Cleveland named Asdrubal.  Then they can hang out with their five-year-old brother, Pronk.

Justin Masterson – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Red Sox.  Sonavabench!  If you had the nads (which isn’t related to Denard) to start him, you earned his stats.

Clay Buchholz – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Earth to Grey, he’s not sucking like you said he would.  I know, Earth.

Dustin Pedroia – Fell hard going around 2nd base, but reports are saying he should be fine.  If heart and grit were legs and arms, Pedroia would be an octopus and never would’ve fell.

Phil Coke – Left yesterday’s start with an ankle injury, and Furbush replaced him.  First there was Coke, then there was Furbush.  All that was missing was an Asian guy throwing firecrackers and you’d have Boogie Nights.

Josh Hamilton left the game with a fracture to his humerus bone, which isn’t connected to the funny bone.  He was going down the line head first into home and… Well, he’s Mr. Glass, so what do you expect?  Ron Washington can’t believe anyone could ever get hurt going down a line head first.  “Nothing but fun to be had there!”  That’s Washington talking about the devil’s dandruff.  I think Kinsler, Cruz and Hamilton share gloves so one of them must always be on the DL.  This opens up playing time for David Murphy.  I’ve long been a fan of Murph.  Has 15/15 potential and won’t kill you in any categories.  I’d grab him in all leagues.  Yeah, even yours.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Davis – With the injury to Hamilton, Davis was recalled.  Somewhere, Bill James can now wear his cut-off, denim shorts and proudly show off his tramp stamp tattoo that reads, “I love Chris Davis.”  Without an injury, I can’t imagine Davis gets much playing time, but he’s still worth a pick up in AL-Only leagues for the off chance of him pulling magic out of his hat.

Michael Young – 3-for-3 as he played 2nd base.  Guess who’s going to have 2nd base eligibility in Yahoo leagues by mid-May?  Hint:  His name appears at the beginning of this blurb.

Mike Napoli – Hasn’t started since Saturday.  The conference of MLB managers that is held every year in Pensacola, Florida the first weekend of December is highlighted by Saturday’s all day seminar titled, “How To Prevent Napoli From Hitting 30 HRs In a Year.”

Dan Haren – 9 IP, 0 ER, 8 Ks and only allowed one hit.  After the game, Haren received a call of congratulations from Armando Galarraga.

Peter Bourjos – 2-for-3 with his first homer.  The guy with the hockey player last name has 10 homer power and 30 steal speed, yet I feel like everyone’s already given up on him.  For shame.

Mark Trumbo – Hit his first homer the same day it was reported Kendrys was able to run.  Somebody Gillooly him please.

Clayton Richard – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Hodgepadre!

Dee Gordon – I just picked him up all over the place.  Probably a bit preemie on that but with Furcal out, I gots to get me some upside at MI.  Gordon can steal 50 bases this year.  Now call him up!

Ryan Raburn – Batted third and went 2-for-4 with 2 Runs, 1 RBI and one formal apology to Leyland for not enjoying his secondhand smoke enough.  I hate to be ungrateful, but how do you not start a guy then bat him third?  Is this only bonkers to me?  Oh, I know.  In Monday’s game, Raburn replaced Mags in the three hole, so since Leyland has never heard of White Out he just left the lineup the same.

Chris Volstad – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Eh, no one owns this schmohawk anyway, right?

Omar Infante – 0-for-4, batting .244.  You really shouldn’t have drafted him.  He’s worse than yawnstipating.

Sam Fuld – 1-for-4, still batting leadoff, still stealing bases, still not a great hitter but OWH (Own While Hitting).

Kyle Farnsworth – Recorded his second save and this one was a perfect inning.  If you’re circling around the Rays on the wings of Peralta or McGee waiting for vulture saves, you’re going hungry.

Angel Sanchez – 4-for-5, 2 Runs, 2 RBIs, batting .395 on the year.  There’s Dirty Sanchez, Filthy Sanchez and now Abandoned Warehouse Sanchez.  Big sign over Abandoned Warehouse says “No squatters.”

Michael Cuddyer – 4-for-4, even a broken clock is right twice a day, but it’s wrong a lot more of the time.  Remember that.

Jeff Francis – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I think he’s garbage but he gets the Mariners next time out who are more garbager.

Wilson Betemit – 2-for-4, now hitting over .500 in the last week though that was boosted by a 4-for-4 day on Sunday.  It’s feast or famine with these peasant Royals.  Right now, it’s feast for Betemit.  At any point, he’ll drop the boom and go back to MOS — ‘Mit Out Starting job.

Alexei Ramirez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and 2 homers (3 on the year).  Now has more homers than he hit the last three Aprils combined.  Cust kayin’.

Edwin Jackson – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I blame Juan Pierre.

Brett Myers – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I mean, I’d pick him up if he were on waivers, but I still don’t trust him to keep up this pace.

David Aardsma – Manager Eric Wedge said Aardsma will be the closer when he returns at the end of the month.  Wedge also said he doesn’t have a resume, but he can throw one together if it means a job managing a better team.

Jayson Werth – 2-for-3 and hit a homer yesterday batting between Rick Ankiel and Matt Stairs aka Blech and Belch.

Wilson Ramos – 2-for-3, batting .450.  Nice the Nats are giving Ramos ABs over “My Nickname Pudge Wasn’t Always Ironic” Rodriguez.  I’m getting ahead of myself, but Ramos is going to be in Friday’s Buy column and those in two catcher leagues should embrace him.  Not literally, that would be weird.

Joe Blanton – 6 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I wonder if he feels like the ugly redheaded stepchild.  You know, like Phillip on Survivor.

Ryan Howard – 1-for-3 with his third homer.  Sonavabench!  Why you ask did I have Howard on my bench?  Because stupid CBS locks lineups before the first stupid morning game whether the stupid Phillies are playing or not!  And CBS charges for this shizz!  Why can’t we make it standard across all platforms to lock lineups only for games underway?  Is this too much to effin’ ask?

Ricky Romero – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I do like Romero.  Tis true, if people say tis when it’s not Christmas time, but this was against the M’s.

Michael Pineda – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Hellickson was my AL ROY choice, but I almost went with Pineda.  Notice how I don’t mention I chose Freddie Freeman for the NL.  Well, they ain’t all roses.

Chris Carpenter – 4 IP, 8 ER.  Carpenter got hammered.

Lance Berkman – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer in two days.  Don’t have faith in him, but don’t have to while he’s hot.

David Freese – Hit his 2nd homer in the last three days.  If you lost Zimmerman, I ain’t mad at cha if you add Freese.

Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Well, it wasn’t a 10 K performance like I would’ve liked to have seen, but it’s seven shutout innings so I’m going to shut up now.

Nate McLouth – Batted 2nd again with Heyward in the six hole.  What exactly did McLouth do right and Heyward, who homered yesterday, do wrong?  Are we pulling names out of a hat for the lineup card?  Fredi reaches in, “Batting third is…New Era.”  “Um, Coach, that’s the tag.”