While historically known as the “Swinging Friars”, my new nomenclature I think fits a bit tighter. Tiger toite, if you like dating yourself with classic Mike Myers references. And while I think the viewing public has some understanding of what it means to be a San Diego sports fan (not a Mike Myers fan), I’m fascinated when fantasy baseball is able to put into focus exactly why the many dozens of us Friar fans suffer from habitual antacid and alcohol abuse. The latest example is nonother than Fernando Tatis Jr. and his “swinging” injury. (If the irony didn’t kill me, munching on 582 Tums certainly will!) Now obviously the injury itself has already been covered by the biggest and best voices out there and in here, but I’d like to continue the discussion, if not only to find some cathartic way out of this darkness (hello, my old friend), but to also try and see what actual ripple effects might be. Follow me after the jump for the usual, now with more existential despair!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

A name as old as, well, I’m not exactly sure how old the name “Mitch” is, but it certainly colors a perfect picture of a 40-year-old something software “cubicle” engineer. And why someone would want to engineer cubicles, that’s not really the issue at hand, it’s just like, what, a bunch of three walls put together? But one Mitch Haniger has officially piqued my interest, and y’all know what that means! I am about to hem and haw, waxing poetic during a roller coaster of emotion and analysis (more crying than math, as I always say) on the pros and cons of this right fielder for the Seattle Mariners. And yes, while the season has begun (sorta-kinda-lolCovid-sadface), and perhaps it’s a little late to pontificate on such matters, but I would make the argument it’s never too late to talk about these types of players. And do I mean about “these types”? Well, the fringe-types. But we’ll delve more into cubicles, math (oh god), and whatever random thing pops into my head. Abstract art, if you will…

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Welcome to another season of Razz-matazz Fantasy Baseball! Now with less social distancing! Maybe. Hey hey, you’re too close man, too close! So despite the pandemic, here we are with another year of staff picks. But this season, a return to sorta-normalcy? Normsorta? Sortamalcy? Boy, that one does not look like a word at all. As if spell-check rejected it with dark wizardry and alcoholism. So yeah, what’s the goal with this exercise? Hashtag content, baby. (That’s the technical term. And with no cardio involved, seems like a win-win for someone like me.) There’s another goal though, one of philanthropy some would say. Despite the modern advancement of technology and science, we still have no way to have every writer provide their extended take on every single player in the MLB. We try though! And so we have this quick-and-easy (I regret burning my “yo momma” joke now…) presentation that provides you, the Razzmatazzball community a viewer-friendly and succinct breakdown of how we feel about the upcoming season. The general gist? WEAR YOUR MASK. True MVP’s stay together people.

So without further ado, here are our Official 2021 Razzball Picks! (Be sure to share yours in the comments section!) And be sure to add exclamation marks, we have a quota to fill people!

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Yeah, it’s a reach, I’m not sure in what universe “cantara” is anyway in shape or form like a “penny” but to get the quote completely wrong, we’re not doing this live so ef it. Yeah, apples to oranges reference, but at least it’s still a fruit, amirite? So, ahem, what’s up with Sandy Alcantara? I mean, I’m not saying there’s been a headline you missed or some big news about this or that, but I’m just asking, why is Alcantara continuing to fly under the radar? Well, that’s an actually easy question to answer, it’s probably because he’s just a dude who throws two pitches with control issues. Maybe the next question might be for me, as in why am I covering a pitcher and to one go one step further (NOT TWO STEPS YOU GET ONE) why am I covering pitcher that you might not want to care about? And that answer is obvious too! I care! Therefore, by the rule of content creation, I believe you should care too, and if you do care, you should join me after the jump! (No physical jumping necessary.)

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Look, I’m not going to age myself by extrapolating the above reference into an entire paragraph, as it is almost a 100% fixture in cultural Americana circa the 90s, but I would disclaim that it was either the above title or a “For Whom the Bell Tolls” reference, and to be quite honest, we should always ere on the side of optimism, even in the forms of phraseology. Random asides, check. Weak sauce title drop, check. Wasting away an entire lede struggling to connect aforementioned title into subject, check. Yep, it’s Jay post alright. Anyways, here we go, gonna talk about not Saved by the Bell, but more Josh Bell (annnnnnnd just thought about how I could have done a “Liberty Bell” tie-in but I’m too lazy to go back and change it, so I’ll just go ahead and type more words essentially transcribing my current inner dialogue and thus ending up doing more work. Makes sense.) Also, I guess, you know, RIP Screech. That sucked.

Did my optimism thing just die a quick death? omg…

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The loosely related quote from the title de jour involved a peacock and a lesser known Walberg (don’t ask me which one, I refuse to store that info) and Will Ferrell buddy-cop film movie flick, and that scene sprung to mind immediately when researching Jon Berti. Hey man, you don’t want my bird puns, don’t leave such low-hanging fruit, ya know? And while it doesn’t measure up to the violent crimes done by the many parents with the last name Ester, and then naming their daughters Polly (those heathens are out there), one could say that the pun isn’t just apt due to, you know, the whole bird thing, but go Matrix-level deep. Okay, maybe deeper, let’s say Inception deep? 4x the deep bro. (Never go full-Tenet folks.) It’s also apt because of the untapped potential that lies within this middle infielder. *Points at forehead.

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Look, I’m not going here and pretend that this love letter to Gleyber Torres is something you haven’t read before on any other site. It’s quite well known by now that Torres is the de facto “rebound” selection going into the 2021 season. I guess everyone knows that Torres had a pretty terrible 2020. What this post presupposes is… maybe he didn’t? Look, I’m not going to be that guy, since I’m not nearly brave enough to, and go full contrarian here, but I think it’s still worth looking a bit more on what makes Torress so primed for that breakout, if the analysis out there matches some basic litmus tests, and the idea that if this player truly is the rebound avatar that everyone loves to have, how much should you really pay for him? That and more after the jump!

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With Justin Turner resigning with the Dodgers almost a week ago, the many rumors and possibilities of departure were confirmed to be moot. While there were intriguing destinations to be had, with rumors especially focused on Milwaukee (it’s pronounced “mill-e-wah-que” which is Algonquin for “the good land”), the little part of me that cared really wasn’t in doubt. Los Angeles is a big fan of Turner, and the feeling was always mutual, and with the Dodgers, he’s been an overall boon considering the long and interesting path to lineup anchor. Hitting .292/.369/.469 with the Dodgers overall and producing a good but unspectacular COVID showing hitting .307/.400/.460 in 42 games on their way to a championship, there are several ripple effects from this resigning that while expected, still should be analyzed and contextualized. Kinda like how I make love.

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Look, I know that hay is technically for horses, along with other fruits and perhaps some oats. To be honest, I’m not actually sure what a horse exactly eats, but I assume you know where I’m going with this because I certainly don’t. In terms of the actual Austin Hays, I can confirm that he is not for horses no matter how little I care to know about horses. I mean, do they have detachable jaws? Then science has made this answer easy. I guess the next natural question (if there ever was one) is probably: is Austin Hays for you? Well, before you go checking to see if you have detachable jaw with slight inclinations towards cannibalism (hint: you shouldn’t), it should be known that I am now strictly speaking in only baseball context. Crazy, I know! Now, you may ask, why Hays? What makes him so special? Well, I have an entire post to make that happen, so for now, to help continue your journey after the jump, I now promise no longer to refer to edible hay, nor horses. Maybe…

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I mean, who doesn’t like an ole tried and true Clinton callback? Age me! I mean seriously, I must be getting too old, the whole devil-worshiping crisis actors controlled by the deep state while getting free pizza from Soros while getting shot in schools eating way too many of Michelle’s veggie’s stuff is just too hard to follow for me, so it’s always nice to think of the simpler times. And boy do we need those simpler times right about now as the newest and hopefully less-COVID filled 2021 season aims to begin, along with all the festivities, both real and fantasy, that come with it. So staying in spirit of what my little content corner provided in 2020, I’d like to start covering value players that can either be targeted in your drafts now, or even maybe some fringe value depending on the size of your leagues. With this first post, we’ll be taking a look at the middle infield position. In describing the meta of what the MI is right now, I’d say there’s quite the juxtaposition going on, and if you didn’t like the deployment of all these 5+ multisyllabic words, I guess what I’m trying to say is, you could make solid arguments that the middle infield is empty, or that there is plenty of talent to aim for. Or maybe I’m the only one and confused at what or who I want? Why not all three? One thing is for certain though, if you’re looking for a Willi, just like your mom, we want it slick! (This took me about 23 minutes to think of, so I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry.)

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