An amazing 80’s band, Ezequiel or Jarren? Why not all three? At the very least, it’ll make my Google searches efficient. And yes, while we (the royal we) generally don’t cover multiple players in this content-space, it’s hard to pass up such a nominal title. Not just that, but there’s a somewhat weird poetic juxtaposition here in terms of what Jarren Duran and Ezequiel Duran bring to the table. And while I’m still reveling in the +5 to creative writing by using the word juxtaposition in terms of what each player brings to the table, I’m still humbled by the fact that I’m drawing a blank on a proper Duran Duran pun that doesn’t involve someone being a wolf and also hungry. I mean, let’s be honest, I’m hungry, but not like Michael J. Fox 80’s hungry. 40-year-old jokes make me sad…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yeah, I understand that this makes it seem like that Connor Joe has Connor Joe-like eyes, which if you remove the low-hanging pun, is what the title amounts to. But I submit that this is still technically true since if someone is going to have Connor Joe like eyes, it’ll be Connor Joe. I rest my case. But since I have to have a bit more content than a title and a sentence, I guess I’ll start a new case. And no, I have no clue why I’m continuing the judicial metaphor, but the question has standing. While Connor Joe started hot-hot-hot, much of his production thus far has been quite pedestrian. As someone who’s allergic to cardio, I have nothing against pedestrians, but with Joe going as a top-50 (even higher) outfielder before the season started, I’d think everyone would like to see a bit more than five homeruns and 14 RBIs with a third of the season already in the rear-view mirror. So where did he go? Let’s find out, search party for Connor Joe!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Great, now I’m hungry for a cereal that leaves your mouth looking and feeling like a Saw filming location. YOU WANNA PLAY A GAME IN MY MOUTH? Wait, uh… And yes, that is not a typo, the actual name has two “Crunch’s” which I never really noticed until I actually had to type it out. I mean, why does the Cap have to be redundant like that? I know you’re Cap’n Crunch homey, why not just give us the berries? And will no one think of José Berríos here who has to be crunched twice for the metaphor to work? I will, for I am Jay, philanthropist, life coach, virtuous drunk, and that’s just before lunch! But enough about my over-qualified CV, let’s talk about the struggles of one Crunch-Crunch Berríos… yeah, definitely does not have a great ring to it. Nor crunch. All of them.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

An advanced play on words that sounds like a sickness from eating spoiled mayonnaise? Perhaps. OR could it be in reference to a baseball player named “Whit” and the regret you may feel drafting him early and then watching him fuel your impending ulcer in the first month of the season? Naw, couldn’t be that one. But it’s okay folks, with Whit’s struggles so far this season, there has certainly been the now trademarked “Whitgret” taking place among the people and I’m here to say hold up! First make sure and confirm that you know this content is actually about Whit Merrifield, not Bobby Witt. Too many Whits so Wittle time. (That one is free.) Second, maybe try some Pepto Bismol. And if that doesn’t work, alcohol might. Third, try not to be repulsed by Merrifield’s .151/.198/.183 triple-slash so far, because frankly, you should be way beyond repulsion at this point. What’s worse than repulsion, propulsion? Science baby. Especially when he’s coming off a 2021 campaign that saw him produce a more pleasing and palatable .277/.317/.395 which while not exactly elite, was enough to enable 40 stolen bases and 97 runs. But since he’s on pace for none of these things thus far, rightfully, there is concern and alcoholism.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Look, I understand that Connor-eyed Joe makes no sense, but if you came to one of my posts looking for sense, boy do I have some parentheses to sell you. (Hint, I like parentheses.) But yes, I’d like to imagine that something akin to the phrase above was going through Blake Treinen’s head in his first appearance on opening day when he gave up a game-defining homerun to one previously mentioned Connor Joe. And while there isn’t quite too much stock that can be put into what is now just 0.03% of the season completed, it’s not like we can’t dream on just a handful of games. I mean, the Padres are 4-1, that’ll totally last, right? (*Cries into alcoholic beverages. All of them.) But back to Joe, it’s no secret that the Rockies outfield is a bit crowded with Grichuk, Blackmon, Bryant, Hilliard and Daza. Combined that with the fact that Connor’s development and pedigree has been more of a slow-burn (with the majority of games in the minor leagues), but he’s always had a keen sense of the plate, sustaining strong career marks in both BB% and K% along with a bit of pop. And not for nothing, but his 19 plate appearances so far are tied with Bryant, and already more than the rest of his OF peers, something to keep an eye on. Connor-eyed perhaps? Feels so good!

Join me after the jump for some more random facts, hot takes, and other robust ruminations (classy content folks) on the Kwan, Jo Adell morphing into Pedro Cerrano from Major League and how long Kyle Farmer will keep plowing the field. Is it just me, or does that sound sexual? And is it just me, or does plowing the field not really equate to hitting well? Eff it, we’ve typed this far…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welcome to another season of Razz-matazz Fantasy Baseball! Now with less social distancing! Maybe. Hey hey, you’re too close man, too close! So, despite the pandemic, here we are with another year of staff picks because staff picks and pandemics go together amazingly well. I mean, have you seen the roll we’ve been on the last few years? Covid and us are like this man. And talking about rolling… it’s how residents in Indiana get down a hill, or so I’ve heard. Technically I’ve never been there since I only like visiting places that have paved roads and not Duke. Another fun fact! Did you know that despite the modern advancement of technology and science, we still have no way to have every writer provide their extended take on every single player in the MLB? I mean, what would you have us do, write more? Crazy! And so we have this quick-and-easy presentation that provides you, the Razzmatazzball community, a viewer-friendly and succinct breakdown of how we all feel about the upcoming season.

So without further ado, here are our Official 2022 Razzball Picks! (Be sure to share yours in the comments section!) And be sure to add exclamation marks, we have a quota to fill people!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

There were no snazzy or slick puns I could think of for Kyle Tucker (I mean, Tucker, I don’t even know her!)… see what I mean? But, I had thought about the “general idea” of Kyle Tucker and have come to the resounding conclusion that yes, he is a baseball player. Expert analysis at your finger tips, we are in the future. But let me expand! As the title kinda-sorta already spoiled, I just don’t think Kyle Tucker is a baseball player, but also carries the potential to build upon this season and provide second-rounder value. Want to know why? Follow me! I mean, it’s not literally following me, that’s kind of creepy, just, you know, press that button below. I can see how confusing it can be…

Please, blog, may I have some more?