Ah, Jay talking about a player on the Padres. Much wow. Okay, I get it and I’m self-conscious about it, you happy? And it’s not about me, it’s about you… and Dinelson Lamet. There is much content being driven by the fact that we have a pitcher whose ADP was around 103ish who has now started the season with three starts and six innings total. Yes, that’s right, two innings per start. While certainly the most boldest of strategies that could ever be conceived by one Pepper Brooks, the Padres seem determined to start a pitcher that might not eclipse five innings total per start in the near future and even the rest of the season. While I remain a big believer in the concept of sunk cost fallacy, I’ve also steadfastly remained a Padres fan for nye 30+ years and based literally 70% of my content on that fandom. That is to say, my judgement may be a rollercoaster of emotion, but at least we get to experience another hot Lamet take like we would watching a 16-car pile-up play itself out. Join me?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It works because I literally am in the need of a new belt! Wow, as if time and space collided with both my content and consumer needs. And while you shouldn’t care about what or why I Amazon the things I do, you should care about one Brandon Belt. What is this, circa 2010? Once the perpetual little engine at 1B who just couldn’t quite do it, he has grown, perhaps even evolved into what we have now, a mediocre producer at a position where mediocrity goes to die. My life story! And so after averaging around 15 homeruns and roughly a .250ish average for the past millennia, what exactly has changed this year and why should you care? Give me a chance to tell ya, or at the very least, convince you to go shopping for the perfect pants accessory.

So not to burst the hype train, but what I think makes Brandon Belt a bit more attention-grabbing this season is the fact that while he’s doing what he usual does, there’s some great underlying signs that Belt could end up having a quietly stronger season than he usually has combined with the fact that his value has been going down the past 15 years and if you want to try on this Belt (MORE FASHION PUNS), it’s not that hard of a thing to do any more.

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It was the best of titles, it was the worst of titles. Like my English Professor once told me, if you start off by quoting Dickens, it only goes downhill after that. Little did he know, that’s my life ethos! I was born for downhill baby. And before we dip into some of that good ole existential despair, I think it prudent to at least try and talk about Daulton Varsho and his return to the Major Leagues. Still a known prospect, he struggled to make his mark last season, hadn’t looked great this spring, and so we’re here now to see what’s changed and if it’s for the better. And I guess we should check his shoe size while we’re at it, unless that was a shameless attempt to quickly tie-in the title to the content. Self awareness is a powerful tool!

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That pun is so good, I don’t even feel bad for never seeing the movie. I have read the book though, and while my generational weirdness for doing it reverse should be questioned, I do want to point out that in my defense, I have no way to tie any of this into the gist of this post. (Your mom’s a gist.) So without having to mash the keyboard and hoping I can somehow take you from a wonderful pun straight into the lede and make it all feel connected, we’ve saved some time by just describing what I would have done. Something like that. Look, this is a two-minimum drink lede that technically went nowhere. Well, I mean, we did technically scroll down a bit to get here, but I can’t fathom typing up another paragraph commenting on that distinction.

So spoilers aside (Winker to the moon!), I’ve been digging what Winker has been doing. Fourth grade writing level aside, the season is still young, but some trends are emerging, or perhaps that stage between not emerging and emerging. Sorta-merging maybe. Specifically, Jesse Winker has been able to start the season hot, but perhaps more importantly, has only been able to get hot by carving some playing time out of a crowded outfield. To the numbers!

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Look, I know when you realize that this is now my second Padres post in a row, the typical reaction should be a rolling of the eyes and a sigh. I would also accept “typical” muttered underneath your breath. After all, it’s all I heard during my childhood! But no matter how much pity you feel for me and my plight, I would like to note for the record that before these past two posts, the last time I had spoken (wrote?) about a Padres player was (checks brain…) Tommy Pham… and how awesome he was going to be. Well, if you just muttered “typical” again, right you are mom reader. So as Tommy Pham’s playing time both on the Padres and your roster enters into a flux state, let’s close the loop and analyze why exactly everything I had said about has not come true but how it still could. Maybe.

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While historically known as the “Swinging Friars”, my new nomenclature I think fits a bit tighter. Tiger toite, if you like dating yourself with classic Mike Myers references. And while I think the viewing public has some understanding of what it means to be a San Diego sports fan (not a Mike Myers fan), I’m fascinated when fantasy baseball is able to put into focus exactly why the many dozens of us Friar fans suffer from habitual antacid and alcohol abuse. The latest example is nonother than Fernando Tatis Jr. and his “swinging” injury. (If the irony didn’t kill me, munching on 582 Tums certainly will!) Now obviously the injury itself has already been covered by the biggest and best voices out there and in here, but I’d like to continue the discussion, if not only to find some cathartic way out of this darkness (hello, my old friend), but to also try and see what actual ripple effects might be. Follow me after the jump for the usual, now with more existential despair!

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A name as old as, well, I’m not exactly sure how old the name “Mitch” is, but it certainly colors a perfect picture of a 40-year-old something software “cubicle” engineer. And why someone would want to engineer cubicles, that’s not really the issue at hand, it’s just like, what, a bunch of three walls put together? But one Mitch Haniger has officially piqued my interest, and y’all know what that means! I am about to hem and haw, waxing poetic during a roller coaster of emotion and analysis (more crying than math, as I always say) on the pros and cons of this right fielder for the Seattle Mariners. And yes, while the season has begun (sorta-kinda-lolCovid-sadface), and perhaps it’s a little late to pontificate on such matters, but I would make the argument it’s never too late to talk about these types of players. And do I mean about “these types”? Well, the fringe-types. But we’ll delve more into cubicles, math (oh god), and whatever random thing pops into my head. Abstract art, if you will…

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Welcome to another season of Razz-matazz Fantasy Baseball! Now with less social distancing! Maybe. Hey hey, you’re too close man, too close! So despite the pandemic, here we are with another year of staff picks. But this season, a return to sorta-normalcy? Normsorta? Sortamalcy? Boy, that one does not look like a word at all. As if spell-check rejected it with dark wizardry and alcoholism. So yeah, what’s the goal with this exercise? Hashtag content, baby. (That’s the technical term. And with no cardio involved, seems like a win-win for someone like me.) There’s another goal though, one of philanthropy some would say. Despite the modern advancement of technology and science, we still have no way to have every writer provide their extended take on every single player in the MLB. We try though! And so we have this quick-and-easy (I regret burning my “yo momma” joke now…) presentation that provides you, the Razzmatazzball community a viewer-friendly and succinct breakdown of how we feel about the upcoming season. The general gist? WEAR YOUR MASK. True MVP’s stay together people.

So without further ado, here are our Official 2021 Razzball Picks! (Be sure to share yours in the comments section!) And be sure to add exclamation marks, we have a quota to fill people!

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Yeah, it’s a reach, I’m not sure in what universe “cantara” is anyway in shape or form like a “penny” but to get the quote completely wrong, we’re not doing this live so ef it. Yeah, apples to oranges reference, but at least it’s still a fruit, amirite? So, ahem, what’s up with Sandy Alcantara? I mean, I’m not saying there’s been a headline you missed or some big news about this or that, but I’m just asking, why is Alcantara continuing to fly under the radar? Well, that’s an actually easy question to answer, it’s probably because he’s just a dude who throws two pitches with control issues. Maybe the next question might be for me, as in why am I covering a pitcher and to one go one step further (NOT TWO STEPS YOU GET ONE) why am I covering pitcher that you might not want to care about? And that answer is obvious too! I care! Therefore, by the rule of content creation, I believe you should care too, and if you do care, you should join me after the jump! (No physical jumping necessary.)

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Look, I’m not going to age myself by extrapolating the above reference into an entire paragraph, as it is almost a 100% fixture in cultural Americana circa the 90s, but I would disclaim that it was either the above title or a “For Whom the Bell Tolls” reference, and to be quite honest, we should always ere on the side of optimism, even in the forms of phraseology. Random asides, check. Weak sauce title drop, check. Wasting away an entire lede struggling to connect aforementioned title into subject, check. Yep, it’s Jay post alright. Anyways, here we go, gonna talk about not Saved by the Bell, but more Josh Bell (annnnnnnd just thought about how I could have done a “Liberty Bell” tie-in but I’m too lazy to go back and change it, so I’ll just go ahead and type more words essentially transcribing my current inner dialogue and thus ending up doing more work. Makes sense.) Also, I guess, you know, RIP Screech. That sucked.

Did my optimism thing just die a quick death? omg…

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The loosely related quote from the title de jour involved a peacock and a lesser known Walberg (don’t ask me which one, I refuse to store that info) and Will Ferrell buddy-cop film movie flick, and that scene sprung to mind immediately when researching Jon Berti. Hey man, you don’t want my bird puns, don’t leave such low-hanging fruit, ya know? And while it doesn’t measure up to the violent crimes done by the many parents with the last name Ester, and then naming their daughters Polly (those heathens are out there), one could say that the pun isn’t just apt due to, you know, the whole bird thing, but go Matrix-level deep. Okay, maybe deeper, let’s say Inception deep? 4x the deep bro. (Never go full-Tenet folks.) It’s also apt because of the untapped potential that lies within this middle infielder. *Points at forehead.

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Look, I’m not going here and pretend that this love letter to Gleyber Torres is something you haven’t read before on any other site. It’s quite well known by now that Torres is the de facto “rebound” selection going into the 2021 season. I guess everyone knows that Torres had a pretty terrible 2020. What this post presupposes is… maybe he didn’t? Look, I’m not going to be that guy, since I’m not nearly brave enough to, and go full contrarian here, but I think it’s still worth looking a bit more on what makes Torress so primed for that breakout, if the analysis out there matches some basic litmus tests, and the idea that if this player truly is the rebound avatar that everyone loves to have, how much should you really pay for him? That and more after the jump!

Please, blog, may I have some more?