I’m not a total ass. Partial? Sure! I have no problem with that. With that said (here comes the ass part!), I have no sympathy for Josh Hamilton. Everywhere you look you hear about how heartbreaking, sad, *searches Thesaurus.com for sympathetic word* it is that happened to Hamilton. Light a candle for the literal manifestation of the prayers that you send out to him. Put on If You’re Gone by Matchbox Twenty and picture Rob Thomas singing directly to Josh. Go to your local package store and protest until they close on Sundays. Do what you want, but you know what’s heartbreaking to me? The fact that spring training starts and the baseball news that people are discussing is Hamilton running down the wrong foul lines. Also, I feel like most of the sad emoticons that go out for him are generated because he believes in God, family and is white, especially the last one. If he were non-white, there would be no sympathy from anyone. A Josh Hamiltonguez would be released by his club and the public’s silence would be deafening. Arizona would even consider building a fence to keep him out. A Josh Hamiltonjackson would be vilified and there would be a criminal case opened with only the Reverend Al Sharpton standing by his side. Torii Hunter would need to say something, because no one else is. My advice for Hamilton is get some help, but stay away from Dr. Drew, because one out of three celebrities never make it out of Celeb Rehab. Maybe at some point Hamilton can get past the crack and back to the crack of the bat, but I don’t have much hope for him this year and have adjusted my top 100 outfielders. Anyway, here’s what else is going in spring training for fantasy baseball:
Michael Saunders – Nooooooooooooooo *puts oxygen mask on, takes a few deep breaths* oooooooooooooooooooo *slams head into desk* oooooooooooooo *opens window, jumps out, lands in giant Venus fly trap* oooooooooooooooo *dog pees on giant Venus fly trap that is digesting me* ooooooooooooo! But we had such high hopes! Ugh, Saunders ran over a sprinkler and is now out until the All-Star break. This is the worst sprinkler injury since a Sprinkles Cupcake employee informed a menopausal Roseanne Barr that they were out of chocolate. I’ve removed Saunders from my top 40 outfielders and moved him in my top 400. I would stash him on my DL, but he’d likely be the first drop once someone on my team was injured.
Johan Santana – Signed a minor league deal with the Blue Jays. To play left field? Oh, to be their fifth starter. The last year he pitched, he had a 4.85 ERA, then he had his 2nd major shoulder surgery that was supposed to end his career. That was three years ago. Yeah, that sounds awesome. Ow, I just rolled my eyes while having brain freeze. My eyes are now freezing! Send for help! Kidding. I’m fine.
Adam Wainwright – Diagnosed with an abdominal strain. The Cards said this is best case scenario. I agree with them; I want people to draft Wainwright. C’mon, let’s hear some more good news. Adam, you have to have in you at least one, “I’ve never felt better,” or one, “I feel like I could win the Cy Young.” Make people delusional to own you, please!
Lucas Duda – Strained oblique and won’t swing a bat for a week. Not quite a dud, my dyslexic friends, and I haven’t yet moved him down my rankings, but if he’s not right by mid-March, he will be dropped. If you’re drafting before mid-March, then he has some obvious risk. Speaking of which (terrible segue alert!), there’s a Razzball Commenter draft this Saturday. Go fill it up!
Francisco Rodriguez – Re-signed by the Brewers. Ryan Braun really petitioned hard for the Brewers to re-sign K-Rod because Braun has been having some problems with his father-in-law. “I’m sick of doing the four questions at my in-laws’. I’m not even the youngest!” That’s Braun discussing his predicament with K-Rod. Broxton loses the closer job, but he’ll continue being the envy of every white girl that wishes she had a bigger booty. It’s not fair he gets all the trunk junk! I’ve made adjustments for K-Rod and Broxton in the top 400.
Andrelton Simmons – Strained oblique. Or as they say on Andrelton’s home planet, “Scursbeep mersboop.” His scursbeep mersboop will likely be fine by the start of the season, but, if it’s not, the Braves can always turn to their third best hitter, Placeholder #3.
Everth Cabrera – Old news by now, but I didn’t want to stop offseason posts to just talk about EverCab. He signed with the O’s the other day, which is whatever, meh, burp, but how it affects Schoop is my bigger concern. I think EverCab will work all around the infield and live beside the ocean and leave the fire behind and swim out past the breakers and watch the world die. But the O’s could do something stoopid and platoon EverCab with Schoop, so I lowered Schoop in the top 20 2nd basemen and added EverCab to the top 20 shortstops.
Yasmany Tomas – Bobbling balls left and right at 3rd base. That sounds like a girl I dated in high school. She used to wear this white-gold dress. Or was it blue and black?