Ma nishtana, how is tonight different than every other night? Because there’s some G-D regular season baseball! Ah fanabla! The Padres aren’t wasting any time with bird sex or Joaquin Benoit either as they traded for Craig Kimbrel. Why do I get the sense that the Padres played 2,500 games of Strat-o-Matic this offseason and on Saturday it was 1249 to 1249 and they were like, “Nuh-uh, we didn’t pay $750 million in free agents to tie the World Series. We need to get to that twelve hundred and fifty-first win!” Then the Padres’ management patted themselves on the back saying they were Strat-o-Maticians like that wily Epstein guy. Then another Padre official even said he thought that guy’s name was Wily Epstein. So, Benoit now has the value of a film degree in Hollywood. “Well, we were gonna let Spielberg direct this film, but this guy over here has a Master’s degree!” In Atlanta, Jim Johnson or Jason Grilli could close games. A Braves official said Juan Jaime could even close games. I’m pretty sure he made up the name Juan Jaime. Grilli seems the most likely candidate, and this has all the makings of a situation where you’re so pumped to be the first one to the waiver wire to grab him until Grilli is actually closing games and giving up three runs in the one lead the Braves have every two weeks. Let’s get out of the lede to talk about the rest of the trade and actual baseball that was played last night! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend for fantasy baseball:
Melvin Upton – Also, traded to the Padres. Is this like in elementary school when the mom says to the athletic brother that he can’t play kickball unless his schlubby brother plays too? Does Melvin also eat chalk? Is that how he got the nickname, B.J., because his lips were covered in some white gunk?
Cameron Maybin – Traded to the Braves. This helps Maybin’s value, but his value was always good, his health wasn’t. Injuries? That’s so Maybin! He also hurts Eric Young’s playing time, but Eric Young has had a starting job for the last five years and every time lost that starting job within two-to-three games of acquiring the job. Maybin has a year of 8 HRs and 40 SBs under his belt as recently as 2011 with the Padres, and he’s only 28 years old. Maybin is the guy to grab right now if you’re struggling at outfield. If he stays on the field all year, he’s capable of an A.J. Pollock-type season and where did you draft him? Around 150 overall? Yup, I’m grabbing Maybin, or maybe that’s graybin.
Matthew Wisler – Also headed to Atlanta. I bet in two years this becomes the highlight of this trade. I love this guy, but he’s still a few months away from showing up in Tedturnerville.
Carlos Quentin – Braves also received him, but word is they’re going to designate him for assignment. His assignment should be to work as a Jose Canseco stunt double.
Trevor Cahill – Traded to the Braves where he will play 2nd, short, 3rd– Oh, wait, he’s just gonna pitch. Right after he traded him away, Tony La Russa said that Cahill could win the Comeback Player of the Year. Yeah, Cahill has some great zingers. Even a Yo Momma joke or two. *intern whispers in my ear* I’m told it wasn’t those kind of comebacks. Yeah, I don’t know what La Russa’s talking about, but after living for three years with unwanted wildlife, you start to lose perspective.
Archie Bradley – Made the rotation in Arizona. He celebrated at a Tilted Kilt and awkwardly high-fived some white people in downtown Phoenix. Arizona: We’re cultured like yogurt. Person from Arizona, “You’re from Jersey. Just stop.” In the top 100 starters, I said this, “I already gave you a Archie Bradley fantasy, but there I didn’t expect him to get a starting job from the rotation. The rest kinda holds true. He’s been a flippin’ mess in the minors, but with great opportunity comes great…Someone find a nerd to finish that. Nerd! Nerd! Nerd! Why did I suddenly become Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds? I’d take Bradley as a flyer in deeper leagues, but wouldn’t expect anything, but a streamer for now. 2015 Projections: 7-9/3.96/1.42/140″ And that’s me quoting me!
Aaron Hill – Moved to the bench so Chris Owings and Nick Ahmed can start. In my NL-Only league, I drafted Owings and traded for Ahmed, so now I have too many middle infidels if anyone wants to trade with me. Hmm, maybe I should’ve wrote that in an email. Control, alt, ignore! I like Owings as my rankings and projections showed. I don’t have huge expectations for Ahmed. Razzball/Steamer projects him for 3 HRs and 8 SBs in 97 games. Razzball/Steamer are pretty damn good projections too. So, even if you give Ahmed 150 games, he’s doing what? 6 HRs and 15 SBs with a .230 average? If my middle infielder has an illness, I’m not calling the Ahmed.
Yasmany Tomas – I swear there’s news besides the Diamondbacks. I think. So, my long-feared presumpatory (Made Up Word of the Day!) feeling was that Tomas was going to the minors. I had some delusions of the Diamondbacks realizing that A) They were paying him a lot of money. B) Their fans had two things to look forward to, Yasmany hitting homers and Yasmany looking like a clown in the field. C) There’s no C. I guess management didn’t realize how much fun fans would’ve had watching Yasmany being a bull in a china shop trying to get to grounders and demoted him. In most mixed leagues, I’d move on to someone else and not wait, unless you have an N/A slot, which I believe is literally N/A everywhere but in Yahoo.
Kolten Wong – 0-for-3, run and a steal. Wong, you dirty bird, you’re not stealing bases, you’re stealing my heart!
Adam Wainwright – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Cubs. Sell! Not kidding. Now that the preseason is over and the Cubs are no longer the World Series favorite, but just a too-young club that strikeouts out way too much, people may think this Wainwright start is more than it is.
Jason Heyward – 3-for-5, 1 run and a steal. Matt Holliday (2-for-4, 2 RBIs) also stole a base in this game against David Lee Ross as they sang, “I wish they all could all be Jon Lester’s personal catcher.”
Tommy La Stella – 1-for-3 and a steal. Damn, I almost made him my first batty call of the year yesterday after studying the Hitter-Tron. On a larger note, La Stella facing righties doesn’t bode well for Alcantara’s playing time.
Jon Lester – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks. I always feel like the first start of the year isn’t indicative of anything. How do you go from spring training to regular season? You don’t snap your fingers, do you? No, you don’t! You get on the rubber, grind your balls with rosin and work it! Hmm, that sounds weird.
Alex Cobb – Played catch. That’s heartwarming!
Dellin Betances – Girardi announced that Betances and Andrew Miller would share the closer job. Looks like maybe the ‘pert who drafted Betances right after I drafted Aroldis in the fifth in my Tout Wars draft might’ve reached just a tad. I also mentioned last week how Betances’s velocity was way down in the spring which drew a chorus of, “It’s like that every year.” Yeah, and in no other year was he tagged to be a closer. Oopsie-poopsie! I would own Miller in every league because he’s got the stuff to take the job and run with it. Well, throw with it. Meh, you get the idea!
Drew Smyly – Threw live batting practice. Glad his vitals are fine!
Micah Johnson – Named the White Sox 2nd baseman. That seemed to be the way the White Sox were leaning, but I still don’t think he plays every day and gets 500+ ABs. I could be wrong. *coughs* Yasmany Tomas ranked too high. *coughs* Shut up, Coughy Under-Your-Breath Guy!
Curtis Granderson – Has some right knee swelling, but should be fine for Opening Day. Just a friendly, Curtis-y update.
Daniel Murphy – Appears ready to begin the season healthy. I say, good for him! I said it while histrionically rolling my eyes.
Kevin Gausman – To the bullpen for Ubaldo. You ever watch extreme sports and think, “Are those guys BASE jumping from just high enough to kill themselves, but not high enough for a parachute to deploy?” Well, Showalter is that stupid on flat ground. How do you take one of your top prospects, who already pitched 113 1/3 IP in the majors last year with a 3.57 ERA, and move him to the bullpen for a guy who has a near-5 ERA over the last three years? Seriously, I’ll wait for an answer.
Rusney Castillo – Optioned to the minors, and lowered in my top 400, not that it matters anymore. Where did the longest preseason in the history of preseasons go? I was just getting used to pretending to give my full attention to my Cougar. Now it’s back to watching baseball and pretending to listen to my Cougar. The struggle is real. The Red Sox optioning a guy that was making $72.5 million raised some eyebrows. I wonder if it raised Sam Donaldson’s eyebrows, because his eyebrows are neat. They’re like racoons from the 70’s when racoons wore their hair long. I imagine Castillo will return when Victorino or Hanley get hurt, so in, like two weeks. For now, you have to gauge the depth of your league and whether you should hold him and wait. In most leagues, I would wait for a week or two just to see the Red Sox’s intentions.
Joe Kelly – Will start the year on the DL, but it sounds like he’ll be ready in about a week. MLB teams seem to use the DL as their off-campus bench. “Guys, we’re low on Gatorade. Let’s put Koji on the DL.”
Arodys Vizcaino – Suspended 80 games for testing positive for Stanozolol. He tested positive for a Polish man?
Ervin Santana – Also suspended 80 games for Stanozolol. More like Stanozolmao.
Justin Verlander – Will start the year on the 15-day DL. He’ll likely only miss two starts. You say tomato-I say, “Fifteen less days he’s ruining your delusional thoughts of a bounce back.”
Bruce Rondon – Will start the year on the 15-day DL with discomfort in his biceps and terrifying nightmares of Dr. James Andrews in a hockey mask, standing over his body with a hacksaw.
Coco Crisp – Will miss six to eight weeks after undergoing elbow surgery to have bone chips and spurs removed from his right elbow. Geez, what’s his elbow like, one of those snow globes with an entire village in there, but he has an Old West town? Does Al Swearengen run The Gem Saloon in his elbow? Were the bone chips and the spurs taking ten paces away from each other before they turned and fired? I got questions, y’all! With Coco Crisp out to lunch (irony!), Craig Gentry, Sam Fuld and…Wait for it…Here it comes…Ugh, I think I might’ve left it in my car…Hold on…Oh, sweet, someone saw that I left it in the garage and brought it in and put it by my door. Thanks, neighbors! Gentry, Fuld and…Billy Burns! Billy Burns from the Land of SAGNOF, Home of the Fleet-Footed. Between Double and Triple-A and the majors last year, Burns had 57 steals. Granted, he hit like a combined .220, hitting only .193 in 28 games in Triple-A. So, uh, yeah, SAGNOF! If you need steals, I could see grabbing Burns, but he’s prolly just a platoon outfielder for steals at this point.
Josh Hamilton – Won’t be suspended. Oh my God, new commissioner, Rob Manfred, has total Step Dad Syndrome. Rob, dude, Selig isn’t gonna swoop in and punish Hamilton just because you don’t want to be the bad guy. Scioscia’s not gonna send Hamilton to bed without supper. Rob, bro, if you want the players to respect you, you have to step up and act the part. Lay down the law, New Dad! Otherwise, before you know it, players are gonna be running from the plate straight to 2nd base, and just begging you to punish them.