Mark Twain wrote there are three types of lies; there’s lies, damned lies and baseball stats. That’s from Huckleberry Finn, Page 84…I think. I’m not entirely sure as I went to an “alternative high school” in Maine which was a flannel-clad cross between Glee and Lord of the Flies. Now everybody sing “Don’t you Forget About Me” while I impale this pig’s head on a spear. Happy Mother’s Day!
*Now back to our regularly scheduled blog*
Please, blog, may I have some more?Kazmir’s career sunk like a lead zeppelin, but get ten Ks against anyone and I sit up and take notice and I’m not just talking above my waist. Hey now! Yesterday, Scott Kazmir‘s line was 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners with 10 Ks. Okay, I have to be a cyclops with a monocle for this guy. To refresh everyone, a cyclops only has one eye so it’s particularly sharp. Like how a blind person’s hearing is enhanced. So you put a monocle on a cyclops and you have creature that sees everything. That’ll be me. Let’s see, his fastball speed has returned to his 2008 levels. The last time he was good. His walk rate went to atrocious after that year, but that too has returned and he has a 25:6 K:BB ratio. The only start where he was hit was his first. Maybe that was nerves — or noive if you’re in Brooklyn. Everything else from Kazmir has been like butter, so he’s no longer toast? That’s what I’m seeing. Okay, now for whether or not you should pick him. He gets the Yankees, Mariners and Red Sox next. Two out of three isn’t good. Sorry, Meatloaf. I wanted to pick him up so badly, I counted each start of his for the next two months. It doesn’t get better. He gets the Reds, Yanks again, Tigers then Nats. I like him more than I have in five years, but I’m still not picking him up. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?Diamondbacks said J.J. Putz needs elbow surgery. Imagine the doctor misreads Putz’s chart and J.J. walks out with a new putz that is an arm, elbow to hand. Would that have him get to third base and home all with one swing of the bat? It would help him avoid that awkwardness when you try to hug and undo a girl’s pants. He could also towel himself down while opening a door. Actually, this sounds like a plus-plus, or rather, a putz-putz! I’m reinventing the knuckle shuffle! The Diamondbacks also officially announced yesterday what I announced the day before, Heath Bell would be the closer. Ya know this means he’s going to crap your face and call it Google Glass, right? You know this, right? I do, and I still grabbed him. I’d also grab David Hernandez in case the only thing Bell rings in are blown saves. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?Imagine the Freaky Friday scenario with Grey or Rudy. One minute you’re a happy-go-lucky fantasy player who enjoys the occasional buffoonery, the next your spouting out catch phrases and terms to replace common English. I would’ve had my headshot in the paper for saving that kitten if I wasn’t such a SAGNOF! I wish I was a good father to my niños but unfortunately I’m just a HodgePadre…
Fortunately for this Friday, all you have to do to switch places with Rudy as the best fantasy analyst alive, is beat him in another awesome contest from our friends at DraftKings. The contest is for this Friday’s night games, but you can ENTER NOW with the winner getting a ticket into the their $100,000 MLB Spring Fling where the #1 spot gets $20,000! That’s a $100 value and entries are only $5 and you can enter up to two times for this one, with spots 2-10 winning $5.00. As always, this is RAZZBALL EXCLUSIVE so there’s only 50 spots open with 3 filled already, so you gotta sign up fast!
Please, blog, may I have some more?Razzball Nation! Why don’t you have a seat?
Do you know why I’m here? It’s because I’m about to recommend a Minor as your starting pitcher tonight for DraftKings.
JB, are you screen name MinorOwnsTheMarlins? You typed “I see Giancarlo Stanton waving his wood all night at Minor offerings” did you not? That’s taken out of context!!!
Our friends at DraftKings are back with another RAZZBALL EXCLUSIVE CONTEST where another lucky Razzballer will get a ticket into their huge $150K Walk-Off, where the top winner gets $50K. Spots 2-30 win $5.00 so it’s like spending nothing! The contest is limited to only 50 entrants so that’s a 60% chance of winning. 10 players have already signed up, so you gotta move fast!
Let’s take a look at last week’s picks:
Please, blog, may I have some more?This morning’s rant is for all the owners who took it up the ace on Sunday. It’s one thing when your ace is pitching @TEX or @COL but home against Cleveland where David Price gave up 8 ER and 13 baserunners in 5 IP? Ouch. Home against an Ortiz-less Boston offense (RA Dickey – 4.2 IP, 7 ER, 12 baserunners – the first 5 runs coming before an out was recorded)? Damn. Home against the Kansas City Royals (Cole Hamels - 5.2 IP, 8 ER 13 baserunners)? Oof! Home against a Holliday-less Cardinal team at one of the pitching-friendliest parks in baseball (Matt Cain – 3.2IP, 9 ER, 9 baserunners)? C’mon, that’s just cruel! For those of you in H2H leagues, consider yourselves lucky. At least these starts are expunged from the record. As for Roto players who own these guys, not much you could do now except turn down the perfunctory ‘buy low’ trade offers. Price, Hamels and Cain all have great track records so you have to assume these games were anomalies. Dickey….who the hell knows? Knuckleballs are like snowflakes – I don’t really understand either of them. Why wouldn’t snow fall in balls or, at the very least, in a uniform shape? (Rhetorical – please don’t explain this phenomenon). On to the other events of the weekend….
Please, blog, may I have some more?You read the title right. In fact, we went over the first five in Part I right here. Are you ready for the last five, plus a bonus uno mas section? The answer is yes, by the way. So… I guess I might have some splainin’ to do at the end of the year, but I’m proud to throw out the wildest, aka BOLDEST predictions out there. Trust me, these will all be two-drink minimum statements I’ll be laying down. But we ain’t calling this bold because I have a grudge against italics. And I’m not just spouting crazy for crazy’s sake… which I know, brace yourselves, is much different than you’re used to. I’m also going to be sharing evidence to support my claims. And everyone does 10-list’s, so I’m going to be one better, cause that’s how I roll. Right down that hill over there. Hey, you want to steal 10 VCR’s? Here I am, pushing you out of the way to steal 11. Before I ask you why we’re stealing a dead media format, I’m quickly running, cause those be sirens I hear. So, you’re going to eat 10 of those Cool Ranch Doritos Loco Taco’s? Well then, challenge accepted. Actually, wait, no. I take that back. You’ve found something I don’t want 10 of, much less 11. Anyhow, let us continue with the six-spot.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Scott White from CBS hosted this NL-Only draft that started at 8 AM PST. For the second time in my life, I was glad I didn’t live in Hawaii. The first time was when I received a coconut piggy bank from every relative that ever went to visit Hawaii. They should have a March Madness tournament for number one wackiest export. In the first round, Hawaii vs. China with coconut piggy banks going against backscratchers. They can meet the winner of the match-up between Switzerland and Taiwan with cuckoo clocks taking on baby corn. “I can’t believe baby corns advanced to the 2nd round. I didn’t think cuckoo clocks could be beat.” That’s the guy in your office who bets on anything that’s organized in a tournament. I drafted the team almost completely on my own since it was so early and Rudy was nursing a huffing hangover. Rudy did scoop in and draft the bench because, well, I had to poop. Anyway, here’s our 2013 fantasy baseball NL-Only team:
Please, blog, may I have some more?We at Razzball realize that exporting our views across the country has damaging consequences on the blogosphere. To help make amends, we are reaching out to leading team blogs and featuring their locally blogged answers to pressing 2013 fantasy baseball questions regarding their team. We feel this approach will be fresher, more sustainable, and require less energy consumption (for us anyway). The 2013 Dodgers Fantasy Baseball Preview comes courtesy Mike Petriello from Mike Sciocia’s Tragic Illness.
Please, blog, may I have some more?With the 2013 fantasy baseball rankings for every position done, we turn our lazy eye towards the top 100 for 2013 fantasy baseball. These 2013 fantasy baseball rankings are one part fresh and two parts to death. They own a cat, a dog and a lizard in a two bedroom apartment where pets aren’t allowed. Know why? Cause they don’t care! None of this top 100 for 2013 fantasy baseball is meant to surprise. *jumping out of a closet* Boo! Now, that was meant to surprise. This top 100 is just taking my positional rankings and putting guys in The Big Picture. You really should read each ranking post because the blurbs in this top 100 are on the skimpy side because there’s so many of them, and I went over each one of these guys already. Obviously at a hundred players, some guys just didn’t make it. About 300, to be inexact. It’s okay, there will be a top 400 tomorrow. Shortly, Sloth, you’ll have your Baby Ruth. Not to get all biblical on you, but this is the gospel. Print it out and take it to Mt. Sinai and it will say, “Win your 2013 fantasy baseball league, young prematurely balding man.” Projections were done by me and a crack team of 100 monkeys fighting amongst themselves because there were only 99 typewriters. Somebody please buy Ling-Ling his own typewriter! To help with your drafting, there’s also a list of players with multiple position eligibility, and all of the 2013 fantasy baseball projections. Anyway, here’s the top 100 for 2013 fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?
