Carlos Santana was signed by the Phils. Did Carlos Santana ever have a song called, “Harumph?” Cause he’s making me harumph all over the place. Doesn’t Hoskins play 1B? Will Santana move to 3rd? I agree, Maikel hasn’t been great, but he’s too young to give up on. Maybe Santana plays outfield? Hoskins plays outfield? Maybe they juggle left field? Maybe they juggle balls hit to them in left field? Maybe they’re juggalos? I got questions, y’all! The scenario of Hoskins in the outfield seems most likely with Franco getting pushed down the order, but not out of the lineup entirely. This might be something to watch in the spring with The Jacked Up Jew, and how he manages his new Latin classic rock guitarist. As for Santana, his stats last year look like that of an aging slugger. Carlos Santana’s gone from Oye Como Va to a hard-of-hearing Latino, ‘Oye come again?’ His average home run distance from 2016 to 2017 came down ten feet, but Citizens Flank might help a little. His line drive rate went up, but his fly balls are going nowhere, and his Hard Contact was down. He’s even seeing more pitches inside the zone, because people just aren’t scared of him anymore. His stats don’t scream, ‘The end is nigh,’ but they are whispering, ‘Soon, my pretty.’ For 2018, I’ll give Carlos Santana projections of 74/24/81/.257/4 in 552 ABs. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for fantasy baseball:
Fernando Rodney – Signed with the Twins. Rodney received $4.5 million and an empty locker for his imaginary quiver. Rodney added, “Keep it crooked!” which is his catchphrase he says as he makes his cap askew. Rodney will be the Twins’ closer, and likely do completely fine for seven-eighths of a season, then dump on you 12 earned runs with no outs recorded when you’re least expecting it. For 2018, I’ll give him the projections 2-5/4.41/1.34/62, 32 saves in 57 IP.
Melvin Upton – Signed with Indians. Carlos Santana left the Indians, but when one door closes, another door opens, and that door is booby-trapped with a bag of flour above the entrance for when Upton enters.
Matt Moore – Traded to the Rangers. Here’s a glimpse into the Rangers’ front office:
“How can we make Cole Hamels, Martin Perez, Mike Minor and Doug Fister look like a solid rotation?”
“How about for our 5th starter we throw a scarecrow dressed as Kenny Rogers?”
“Singer or ex-Rangers pitcher?”
“Hmm…Singer?”
“Nah, fans won’t go for it.”
“I know! Trade for Matt Moore!” For 2018, I’ll give Matt Moore projections of 8-11/4.67/1.41/139 in 162 IP.
CC Sabathia – Re-signed with the Yankees. Obvious, SRWMWGAFFFB. Ya know, Solid Real World Move, Who Gives An Eff For Fantasy Baseball. But wait, he had a 3.69 ERA last year! But wait wait, he had a 7.3 K/9 and 120 Ks. Snooze, ya lose. For 2018, I’ll give him projections of 10-9/4.24/1.31/130 in 158 IP.
Freddy Galvis – Traded to Padres. I’m still floored that he saw 608 ABs in 162 games last year. Hey, it’s Freddy Gehrig! I mean, he went 12/14/.255. At some point, a rational human being would’ve thought, “Ya know, maybe we’ve seen enough of Galvis, and we give Crawford a shot.” Apparently, last year’s Phillies manager was not that rational. Let’s hope this year’s Padre manager, Andy Green (WHO?), is rational and doesn’t play Galvis for 600+ ABs. Freddy Galvis’ 2018 projections: 48/10/51/.250/9 in 385 ABs.
Yovani Gallardo – Re-signed with the Brewers. I should say, the Brewers were resigned to take back, Gallardo. Oddly enough, I can’t even say YoGa gets hot for stretches.
Matt Kemp – Traded back to the Dodgers. I have a sneaky suspicion that Kemp could have one more season of 32 homers this year and be the latest Zombino. Do I have anything to back this up? Well, I could make up reasons, but, let’s be honest, it’s more of a gut thing, and gut recognizes gut with Matt Kemp. “Yo, is Kemp playing Kurtz in a stage play of Apocalypse Now?” That’s someone seeing the new Kemp body shape. Imagine he runs into Rihanna back in Los Angeles, it would be like one of those times you ran into an ex and she still looks the same and you’re a literal bean bag wearing a shirsey. Back to Kemp, I don’t even know where he’s going to play. There’s talk he won’t be on the Dodgers much longer, so I’ll give him the projections of 52/21/68/.258/2 in 427 ABs, but that’s subject to change.
Ronald Acuna – With the Kemp trade, it frees up space for Acuna. In related news, my keyboard is sitting on my lap and I’m not typing this with my fingers. I’ve already gave you my Ronald Acuna fantasy, and now I might have to give him a full season of at-bats. Drop the R in boring.
Brandon McCarthy – Sent to the Braves as the main piece in the Braves/Dodgers’ trade (I giggled a little when I wrote ‘main piece’ in case you can’t get sarcasm). McCarthy in the Land of the Braves is an affront to lefty-leaning, pinkos, but everywhere. Though, lefties in the NL East might rejoice. For 2018, I’ll give McCarthy projections of 5-8/4.39/1.26/109 in 133 IP.
Scott Kazmir – The other monster trade piece going to the Braves (still giggling). Kazmir is currently slated to hold the 5th starter job in the Braves’ rotation, and, around March 18th, he will hand that job to Luiz Gohara.
Charlie Culberson – Another piece in the Braves/Dodgers’ trade. This the Dodgers just regifting, and the Braves being like, “Shrug, whatevs, I guess he can go on our bench.”
Adrian Gonzalez – Also traded to the Braves, where he was immediately DFA’d.
Since Dodgers don’t really want Matt Kemp and the Braves didn’t want Adrian Gonzalez, this was the MLB’s first White Elephant Gift Exchange.
— Razzball (@Razzball) December 16, 2017
Zack Cozart – Signed with the Angels. Ah, it’s Yunel without the homophobic eye-black. I’m getting the sense that I’m being too low on home runs across the board again if home run numbers from last year hold up, but someone like Cozart becomes super uninteresting if his home runs crash back to earth. Super Uninteresting Man is like Clark Kent, but, instead of the Daily Planet, he works at the Daily Planner. In today’s news, my blotter needs new paper! For 2018, Cozart’s projections are 65/17/71/.271/4 in 450 ABs.
