I sure wish Grey would do his 2018 fantasy baseball rankings.  Wait, I am Grey and this is those rankings!  AHHHHH!!!  I need to sit down.  Wait, I am sitting!!!  I can’t handle all of this!!!  I’m going to put on a pair of pants and go dance in the street.  Meh, let’s be honest, pants are a chore.  So, this is the greatest day ever!  Now, only 400,000 words more until I finish my top 500 and I’ll be done.  Worst day ever!  Damn, that excitement was fleeting.  Well, not for you because you don’t have to write all the rankings.  You lucky son of a gun!  I wish I were you… *wavy lines*  Hey, why am I balding and have lost all definition in my buttocks?  *wavy lines*  Hmm, I’m gonna stay me.  Now before we get into the top 10 for 2018 fantasy baseball (though I imagine every single one of you has skipped this intro paragraph), I’m gonna lay down some exposition.  Here’s where you follow us on Twitter.  Here’s where you follow us on Facebook.  Here’s our fantasy baseball player rater.  Here’s our fantasy baseball team name generator.  Here is all of our 2018 fantasy baseball rankings.  Here’s the position eligibility chart for 2018 fantasy baseball.  And here is a picture of my son.  What a punim!  You may not get all of those links in such a handy, easy-to-use format ever again this year, so make proper note.  (Unless you just go to the top menu on this page that says “Rankings” and click it, but semantics, my over-the-internet friend, semantics.)  Also, as you might’ve noticed upfront, this year we’re dipping our big toe into video.  Yes, we only have one big toe, it is not plural.  The preseason videos will be more rankings flotsam that washed up into my brain. They’re also animated to reach that target 7-12 demographic.  That’s not 7 to 12-year-olds, that’s the 7 to 12 adult males that enjoy animation.  If the preseason videos are met with enthusiasm, we’ll continue into the season.

Now my expositional half insists I breakdown some generalizations about these 2018 fantasy baseball rankings.  The 2018 fantasy baseball rankings will be an ever-evolving mass like the blob.  This fantasy baseball top 10 for 2018 list is as of right now and could potentially change with a big injury or Mike Trout quitting baseball because he’s bored with being the best and wants to play competitive Mahjong.  (I’m not sure yet where Trout would rank in my Mahjong Top 10.)  So while it is the 2018 fantasy baseball gospel, take it with a tablet of salt.  Tomorrow we will cover the rest of the top twenty for 2018 fantasy baseball, then we will go around the horn with a top 20 (more like 50) list for every position.  Then for pitchers and outfielders, I’ll turn the dial to 100 (more like 140).  Listed with each player are my 2018 projections.  Did I consult with anyone else who does projections?  It would be ignorant not to, but, in the end, these are my projections.  Players need 5 games started at a position to get included in the positional rankings.  Finally, as with each list in the 2018 fantasy baseball rankings, I will be mentioning where I see tiers start and stop.  I look at tiers like this, if Jose Altuve and Paul Goldschmidt are in the same tier, it doesn’t matter if one guy is ranked 2nd and one guy is ranked 3rd, they’re both very close.  It comes down to personal preference.  I would prefer the guy at number two over the guy at three, but you do you, I’ll do me and let’s hope we don’t go blind.  Anyway, here’s the top 10 for 2018 fantasy baseball:

1. Mike Trout – This tier goes from here until Altuve.  I call this tier, “Cheating on Beyonce.”  Doing my best (awful) Jay Z impersonation, “Geyeah, this is a Razzclusive.  Gebounce.  Gebounce.  Uh, uh uh uh uh.  Ge-ge-geyeah, geyeah.  Ge-ge-geyeah, geyeah. You know I thug em, draft em, love em, leave em, cause I don’t need em.  This tier be big pimpin, spreadin’ cheese.  This tier be big pimpin, cheese on T.R.I.S.C.U.I.T’s.  Gebounce, gebounce.  Watch me pop, gimme a high gebounce, gebounce, geyeah it’s now a Baltimore chop.  Geyeah.  Jigga man’s got the greatest girl in the world.  Oh, baby Blue, your mother is so beautiful, I love her so much, geyeah.  Gehey, gehey, who is that, girl under the sycamore tree with the dimpled-chin, I think I’ll give her my lil’ Jigga man.  Oh, man, I cheated on Bey.  Jigga what?  Jigga who?  Oh, Jigga, you just so dumb.  I can’t respect that, my whole perspective is wack.  I can’t respect that, my whole perspective is wack. (repeat 7x)  Things just ain’t the same for gangstas, but I saw a girl with a butt on her chin and I banged her.  Now I’m so gesad.  So gesad.”  Do you see the torment Jay-Z is going through by cheating on Beyonce?  That’s why this tier is named what it is, because if you don’t draft one of these guys in the first three you’ll be met with similar anguish.  Don’t cheat on Beyonce.  As for Trout, yeah, he’s awesome.  2018 Projections:  116/40/105/.312/18 in 541 ABs

2. Jose Altuve – Once I was blind, but now I see.  Once I saw Altuve as nothing more than a tippy-toe away from five-three.  I was wrong, prematurely balding men and five girl readers.  Altuve still looks ridiculously similar to Casper from Eastbound and Down.  UnCanny.   What’s also uncanny is the cans of corn Altuve hits.  As in, they’re not cans of corn, they’re hard hit liners.  See, cause I called them uncanny.  As in not canned.  It’s not getting better with an explanation, is it?  Never the hoo!  Last year, I said, “(In 2016), Altuve reached new heights 24 HRs, 96 RBIs, 108 runs, 61 inches, and I’m not totally convinced these won’t all stay career highs, as he peers down at lesser stats and the tops of 8-year-olds’ heads.”  And that’s me quoting me!  See, I was blind.  Apparently, Altuve can repeat those highs while wrasslin’ with carnies as he tries to get on a roller coaster that has a 5’2″ height requirement.  2018 Projections:  111/23/92/.329/30 in 593 ABs

3. Trea Turner – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Giancarlo.  I call this tier, “Buzzfeed Quiz, How Gay Are You?”  Okay, I’m taking this directly from said Buzzfeed quiz.  “What color do you think of yourself as?”  Hmm, is Giancarlo a color?  Can I choose fuchsia, but pronounce it fuks-ya, so it’s a super gay color but it’s a hella manly way to pronounce it?  “Do you enjoy consensual sexual encounters with or feel a sexual attraction to baseball players?”  *pulls on collar like Rodney Dangerfield*  Next question please.  “What city do you see yourself living in:  San Fran, London, Tokyo, Trea Taintsville?”  Uhh… “What’s your drink of choice?”  Mookie Betts with a drink umbrella behind his ear?  Does that count?  Moving on!  I love all the guys in this tier.  Sure, Pitfall Harry, there could be unexpected quicksand death spills, but if I had a pick from 4 thru 9, I’d be happy.  As for Treat Urner, he had 11 HRs and 46 SBs in only 98 games last year.  I will now laugh hysterically.  Doode’s in hashtag beastmode, and I can’t handle it.  He upped his walk rate, lowered his strikeout rate and was actually a hair unlucky last year hitting ‘only’ .284.  Honestly, I considered putting him in the first tier, and think he could easily be the number one hitter for all of fantasy in 2018.  A 20+ HR, 45+ SB season seems s’attainable.  2018 Projections:  110/16/63/.302/47 in 581 ABs

4. Bryce Harper – One of these years we’re going to see the 50 HR, 20 SB, .330 season from Bryce, and now you’re thinking about how you haven’t been hornier for a man since Heath Ledger died.  “He’s such a gritty Joker,” you say to yourself as you touch your nipples.  That’s what Bryce is gonna do to you.  More than likely, we’re going to see a month or two from Bryce that makes him seem headed for a 50/20 season, but then he takes a dookie for a month and you’re thinking about selling him for two Susan B.’s and a two dollar bill.  He’s still only 25 years old, and, barring an injury, I see little reason he’ll be worse than a top 25 hitter, with a chance of being the absolute best.  2018 Projections:  96/35/109/.308/12 in 533 ABs

5. Nolan Arenado – I can’t believe I found these love letters from Lorena Hickok to Eleanor Roosevelt in my family archives, and by ‘family archives’ I mean a trash bin in the attic.  I’m just going to sit these historically priceless letters by the window while I grab a chamomile tea–NOOOOO!!!!  Torenado!  Arenado is the first player ranked to have a negative for one category (steals), but he’s also the first player who will play half his games on the moon with an aluminum bat.  The negative on steals has me actually down on Arenado, in a non-sexual way, compared to where I could see him being drafted in some leagues.  I weighed which order to put Arenado, Harper and Trea for more time than I want to admit to (37 seconds), but two to four steals is just too much of a meh number to put Arenado higher.  2018 Projections:  105/39/126/.291/3 in 602 ABs

6. Paul Goldschmidt – These first two guys this year are the same as last year.  Know what that means?  No, you don’t because no one knows what that means, but it’s provocative.  Au Shizz is going to be 31 years old this year, and had his lowest steals total in four years.  Though, he also had a career year in power, runs, and ISO, so (stutterer!) I think he can stave off the inevitable decline that comes to all supermen, except for Superman.  Though, if George Reeves, Christopher Reeve, Brandon Routh and Dean Cain are any indication, Henry Cavill should’t get too comfortable in the limelight.  Guess what I’m saying is I expect Goldschmidt to remain Goldschmidt, and not suddenly become Bitcoinschmidt.  UPDATE:  I got shook by the humidor and lowered Goldy from 2nd overall to here.  What if the humidor does dramatically lower homers?  What if the humidor gets in Au Shizz’s head?  What if it is the dankest of timelines for Goldy?  What if the humidor reminds Yasmany of Cuban cigars, and he starts telling all sorts of anecdotes and Goldschmidt is like, “Shut up already,” and when he says that he throws out his back?  So many questions, not enough answers for the 2nd pick in a draft.  I’d still draft Au Shizz because he’s a rock in four of five categories, but if the power falls perceptibly I’m gonna be Googling what perceptibly means and won’t be as happy with Au Shizz.  2018 Projections:  108/30/111/.303/15 in 551 ABs

7. Mookie Betts – Mookie Ballgame had a down year last year, so he’s no longer Mookie Best?  He’s a snooze away from being a sleeper?  Put him out to pasture like a 15-year-old jockey who has a growth spurt?  Goodbye, Mr. Betts?  *pushes button under desk, Matt Lauer rises from the floor*  “Hey, that’s my desk.”  Get out of here, Lauer!  I was trying to dispose of Betts Bond-villain-style because he’s over!  Yeah, well, we know this is all lootie-cris.  Last year, Betts’ BABIP was .268, which is crazy low for him.  And that’s in a home park that puts up Donkey Kong numbers for BABIP.  Yes, Betts’ line drives were down, and his fly balls were up, which is a good way to have a poor BABIP, but his Ks were solid, in line with his previous year.  His walks were up to 10.8% vs. 6.7% the year before, and his hard contact rate was up, so I think we’re seeing a slight downtick on Betts’ placement on draft boards that will go back up again next year.  2018 Projections:  104/25/109/.305/25 in 605 ABs

8. Manny Machado – This tier could also be named Mike Seaver or FOB, Friend of Boner.  I imagine after 2018 we’re gonna look back at Machado’s 2016 season when he didn’t steal any bases, and think, “Wow, that was really an aberration.”  Then after a long beat, we’ll think, “I should Google ‘aberration’ so I make sure I’m using it correctly.”  Then, five hours later, “I was just Googling the definition of one word, how did I end up on the Wikipedia page for Serge Voronoff, a doctor famous in the 1920s for using monkey testicles for therapeutic purposes?  And how has Joaquin Phoenix not played him in a movie yet?”  Machado had a similar year to Betts in that his average was unduly suppressed due to an abnormally low BABIP.  Also, similarly to Betts, there was some reason — his LD% was way down and his ground balls were up (not literally).  As with Betts, I’m not too worried.  Machado’s 2nd half was a bounce back, and his LD% went from 13.9% to 17.6%, his Ks went from 19.7% to 13.2% and his BABIP rebounded from .239 to .290, which yielded a .290 average post-All-Star break.  Thus far, Machado’s ADP looks way below this, so there’s buying in thar hills.  Or, if Dean Smith is reading, Tar Heels.  2018 Projections:  103/36/93/.288/9 in 617 ABs

9. Giancarlo Stanton – Here’s my Giancarlo Stanton fantasy.  I wrote it while getting dirty looks at a supermarket for checking cantaloupes for ripeness.   2018 Projections: 107/53/121/.273/3 in 547 ABs

10. Kris Bryant – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the top 20 for 2018 fantasy baseball.  I call this tier, “ADP says what?”  I don’t like to get too tied down with ADP.  So, I’m not into B-ADP-SM?  If I know my acronyms of the dark web correctly, that’s exactly what I’m saying.  This tier takes what I’m seeing so far with ADP and throws it out the window.  Though, honestly, after I ranked Trea Turner, I looked to see his ADP and I was like, “Wow, I guess I’m owning MLB’s number one Treat Urner everywhere.”  Yeah, I don’t know what people are thinking.  I’m ranking guys for their value, and where you want to draft them.  From the ADP I’m seeing, people are drafting off some amorphous chart that lacks clarity, size and/or shape.  Okay, now I’m just defining amorphous.  I saw somewhere people are going with Correa over Bryant.  Um, okay, if it stops us from getting in a nuclear war with Korea, then great.  Otherwise, that’s batshizz crazy.  Bryant is 26 years old, and capable of a 100/35/100/.290/10 without even breaking a sweat.  Last year, he had 73 RBIs, but RBIs are stoopid, and you shouldn’t be avoiding a guy because of that.  Everything else?  Let’s see, his Ks went down from his MVP year, walks went up, average went up, his HR/FB% was low for him and he still hit over 40% in the air.  He swung at less balls outside the zone, and made more contact.  His ground balls were a little troublesome, but I see no reason why he can’t u-turn that trend.  And, even if he doesn’t, he’s still a 100/35/100/.290/10 guy!  I’m not pie-eyed, but I Anita Bryant!  2018 Projections:  108/35/95/.290/10 in 558 ABs