Masahiro Tanaka hit the DL with a strained forearm. It’s not related to his partially torn ulnar collateral ligament. So, here’s my question? Why not just play through the forearm strain too? That’s where he draws the line? It’s like, “I was fine sleeping with my wife’s sister, and having a baby with her that no one knows about, and plotting to kill my wife on a weekend jaunt to Mexico, but I will not jaywalk. Those people in New York are crazy!” You have nothing to lose, Tanaka, get in there and shank someone in the yard and Hacky Sack the ball to the plate! The Yankees haven’t announced how long Tanaka will be out, but maybe they’ll try to sneak in Tommy John surgery while he’s sleeping. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Chase Whitley – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Will fill in for Tanaka. Whitley’s best known as Dwayne Wayne’s best friend on A Different World and not being a great pitcher. In AL-Only leagues, you do what you have to, but in most mixed leagues he’s a streamer.
Jake Odorizzi – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. Take it ‘rizzi, take it ‘rizzi, the sound of your own wheels– Sorry, I didn’t hear you come in. Odory Barfstein didn’t look like the meow’s cat, but his ERA is still 2.41 and I’d continue to roll with him.
Chris Martin – 1 IP, 0 ER and got the save because Miller had worked too many games previously. Just Jared said Chris Martin was conscious coupling outs together.
Jacoby Ellsbury – 3-for-4, 2 runs and 2 steals (6, 7). Good to see Ellsbury is healthy*. *This might be untrue if you don’t read this first thing in the morning.
Domonic Brown – Activated from the DL and sent to the minors. Sandberg decided to go with Grady Sizemore and Jeff Francoeur instead. I love the Phillies odds now to win the 2006 All-Star Game.
Severino Gonzalez – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER. Did you know in Spain 127 Hours was released under the name Severino? Severino was the Phillies 19th-best prospect as ranked by Baseball America, but Baseball America said they only wanted to go to 18. C’mon, Phils, bring up Aaron Nola, who I drafted in NFBC! Severino looks like a three to four starter in a couple of years when he settles in. Now, I’d struggle with owning him in NL-Only leagues.
Michael Wacha – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA up to 2.42. Wacha’s K/9 is 5.5 and xFIP is 3.78, which is shorthand for shizz ain’t pretty under the hood. Obviously, you don’t drop him, but I wouldn’t hesitate to sell him either.
Matt Adams – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .267. Yeah, with one leg off the scale.
Kolten Wong – 2-for-5, 1 run, hitting .288 and back in the eight hole. That’s all there is to it, Matheny doesn’t appreciate a good Wong.
Danny Santana – 3-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .261, raising his average from .195 in the last ten days. Dannys has heeded my calls for him to start hitting! Not start stealing bases, you schmohawk!
Oswaldo Arcia – 2-for-3, 1 run. Not much to report here, I just can’t believe he actually had multiple hits in one game. And I didn’t even have to use my AK. Gotta say it was a good day.
Mike Pelfrey – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Tigers and his ERA is at 2.25. Should call him Mike Jamesfrey cause all of those stats are lies.
Mitch Moreland – Will have elbow surgery and be sidelined two to three weeks. Wow, whoever is operating on his elbow should have pitchers lining up! Someone give Matt Moore this doctor’s card!
J.A. Happ – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.30 vs. the Rangers. Nice that one sleeper that wasn’t really a sleeper because everyone picked him to be a sleeper is looking good. Somewhere, Brandon McCarthy sighs.
Jed Lowrie – Out until after the All-Star break, due to a ligament tear in his thumb. He hurt it sliding into home plate. “I once had a similar injury from a slider on a plate at home.” That’s Pablo Sandoval oversharing.
Tyson Ross – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.55. Another bad day for pitchers that Rudy told you to avoid (and I told you to draft. Oopsie!).
Wil Myers – 2-for-4, 2 runs, and a slam (4) and legs (3), hitting .287. I’m so glad I drafted Myers on nearly all my teams. Please remind me of this if shizz goes pear-shaped.
George Springer – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (8), hitting .197. Also, in this game, Evan Gattis (1-for-3, 2 RBIs) hit his 2nd homer, hitting .162. Finally, in this game, Chris Carter went 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and hit his 2nd homer, hitting .176. If you add up all their averages, these Astros are hitting .300!
Luis Valbuena – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 1 RBI. Yeah, I have no idea when it will end, but I’d own him until we figure out the end.
Jose Altuve – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 8th steal. Things are looking up for Altuve! Okay, nothing’s below him, but still.
Adam Ottavino – An MRI revealed he also has an elbow injury. Keep poking around and by Friday it’s gonna be revealed he really has a leg for an arm.
Archie Bradley – Left the game after taking a liner off his head. On his way off the field, Bradley gave a thumbs up to the crowd. Okay, so at least he remembers the movie, Gladiator.
David Peralta – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Diamondbacks always seem to have this problem: too much fantasy value, not enough room to play them all.
Mark Trumbo – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .324. He’s been doing that without even having a prolonged hot streak. If he starts hitting bombs, he’s gonna have a huge year. (If he starts bombing, he won’t.)
Sonny Gray – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 1.98. Of course that won’t continue, but I wish I owned my boy Sonny somewhere while he was flaunting the family name around town.
Brett Lawrie – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .224. Why do I so desperately want to throw out everything we’ve ever learned about Lawrie in his career and believe this is the start of something? Am I romantic? Or just dumb?
Josh Reddick – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .360, and in this game Marcus Semien 2-for-4, 1 run and his 3rd steal. Is it me or does Reddick go deep every time Semien runs? Asking for a friend.
Jered Weaver – 7 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 5.83. It was more fun when I was the only one that hated him.
Max Scherzer – Threw from the mound without issue yesterday. Now if only the same could be said of Fister, Zimmermann, Gio and Strasburg.
Denard Span – 5-for-6, 4 runs and his 1st homer, and he went 2-for-4, 1 run in the Phillies game disguised as Ben Revere. You Joel Youngblood mothereffer!
Jose Lobaton – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 1st homer. Little bit of trivia for you: Lobaton is J. Lo’s favorite player.
Dan Uggla – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 1st homer. Little bit more trivia: Dan Uggla is Dan Uggla’s favorite player.
Julio Teheran – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER (4 unearned), 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. For what it’s Werth, the Braves have a better record than the Nats. The Braves are like Montgomery Brewster. They can’t lose if they want to.
A.J. Pierzynski – 4-for-4, 1 run, 4 RBIs, hitting .439. I just picked up Pierzynski the other day in Tout Wars, which I thought was odd since it’s a 15-team, two-catcher league and it’s a weekly waiver FAAB, so it’s not like you can rush to waivers and get him before everyone else. I only needed to bid a $1 too. Not that Pierzynski’s gonna help me polish up a trophy. Maybe a bad choice of verbs.
Freddie Freeman – 4-for-6, 3 runs, hitting .286. At eight, Freeman has less RBIs on the year than Pierzynski, Kelly Johnson (1-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs) and Andrelton Simmons (1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs).
Jason Grilli – 1 IP, 3 ER and his first blown save. Usually the idiom ‘throw enough crap against the wall and something will stick’ is a positive. Not for Grilli.
Carl Crawford – To the DL with a bad tear of the oblique. That is both vague and sad. Nice job, Carl!
Kenley Jansen – Will start a rehab assignment this Friday in Rancho Cucamonga, which was the largest exporter of fake vomit until China opened its borders.
Alex Guerrero – 0-for-3, hitting .440 as he started in left field for Crawford. Don’t worry, Mattingly still has Scott Van Slyke to play in front of Guerrero.
Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. Madison Bumgarner 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. This was a rematch to last week’s Bumgarner/Kershaw matchup in San Fran only this time it was in LA. This was also a rematch of Tino Fernandez and Walter Thompson, who met by the giant glove last week to shout insults at each other. Only this time they met by the giant douchebag who was talking about how Russell Crowe can no longer open a film.
Matt Cain – Played catch with no issues. Now, if baseball changes into a game of catch, Cain’s ready to go.
Buster Posey – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .267. Well, he’s no Pierzynski, but he’ll have to do.
Homer Bailey – Rather than Tommy John surgery, he’s debating getting platelet-rich plasma injections. This is like when your mechanic tells you that you need a new carburetor, but, before you pay for that, you can just change the oil and see if that does the trick. Right now, Homer’s changing the oil. The carburetor won’t be far behind.
Devin Mesoraco – Sat out again. The Reds are in a predicament. If they start him, his hip might flare up worse. If they DL him, they will have to rely on natural light since Devin’s main role with the club is providing light by holding a lightbulb in his mouth.
Johnny Cueto – 8 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.95. He’s the anti-McCarthy — a better ERA than xFIP and a Red.
Marlon Byrd – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, and two more homers than walks. So, Byrd doesn’t like to walk, don’t badger him; it’s probably a homage to Maya Angelou.
Joey Votto – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer. If the Baltimore riots spread across the country and the season is called five months short, my MVP pick of Votto is looking pretttttay pretttttay good.
Aramis Ramirez – 1-for-2 and his 2nd homer. Don’t look now, but he’s halfway to four homers!
Ryan Braun – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .227. Hey, stop throwing rocks at Marla Gibbs’s house! Side bet between me and you: who will have more fantasy value: Adam Lind or Ryan Braun? I’ll take Lind. I will say Braun will need to get hurt to not eclipse Lind in value, which is to say Braun will get hurt.
Carlos Gomez – Hoping to return on Saturday. Put hope in one hand and the Brewers’ luck in the other hand and you have two empty hands. How can you put hope or luck in hands?
Greg Holland – Aiming to return next week. Holland will immediately take the closer’s job back and won’t even hear of going Dutch.
Alex Gordon – 3-for-5, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and now the team co-leader in homers. Such a powerless team that Steve Balboni rolled over in his bed lined with hoarded Twinkies.
Kendrys Morales – 3-for-5, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his third homer. Fun fact! His mother named him after Don Drysdale and Kenmore appliances.
Omar Infante – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .268, and has hit in nine of his last ten games. Hispanic Baby Omar usually gets hits in bunches, so if you’re hurting for average, I’d get HBO Now!
Mike Moustakas – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .346. All he does is hit (after four years of being terrible)! Seriously, it’s all he does (finally)!
Trevor Bauer – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners (2 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 1.80 vs. Royals. Could’ve been the food poisoning, but he didn’t look great yesterday, but at least he didn’t get baited into a fight when Yordano was shooting spitballs at him from the dugout.
Michael Brantley – 2-for-5, 1 run, hitting .333 with zero homers and one steal. He’s like a rich man’s Martin Prado. Call him Martin Prada.
Brandon Moss – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. On pace for about 35+ homers, and somehow not owned in 100% of leagues. Like you’re lost in the woods, I’d look for Moss.
David Phelps – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. As I’ve said previously on the aforementioned tip, I like Phelps for deep leagues. Stream-o-Nator hates his next start, but I could see going either way on it, depending on the depth of your league.
Daniel Murphy – 3-for-4, and six for his last eleven. Sigh, looks like Murphy’s not done tormenting me.
Steve Cishek – 1 IP, 0 ER and the easy save as A.J. Ramos gave up an earned run in a third of an inning. It’s always so fun when we get punished for actually paying attention. Mean’s while, the absentee owner in your league that owns Cishek texts, “Why you grab Ramos? El oh el!”
Juan Lagares – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs, hitting .310. I grabbed this hot schmotato in one league, because I got grabby hands!
Dexter Fowler – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th steal, and hitting .400 in the last week. Leave your password in the comments and I’ll grab Fowler for you. If your password is Greyisabuttsniffer, not cool, man.
Travis Wood – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA down to 3.04. His K/9 is 9.9 and his BB/9 is 2.3. That alone makes him worth owning. There’s other issues like his velocity, his track record and his ground ball rate, but his strikeouts and walks are enough to own. So, now you know why I’ve told everyone for the last two weeks to pick him up.
Starling Marte – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. I can’t wait to see Marte Gras in the same game as Matt Adams’s moobs.
Brett Cecil – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save. John Gibbons said Cecil’s the closer again. In Miguel Castro’s last five appearances, he’s given up four runs. So, this was bound to happen. *intern whispers in my ear that Cecil’s given up four runs in his last five appearances too* Shut up, intern!
Drew Hutchison – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 6.33. To keep the dialogue going between us open and fresh like your mom’s deodorant that you keep stealing, I want to tell you that I dropped Hutchison prior to this game. I figured if I wasn’t going to start him, why own him? After yesterday’s performance, I know why I didn’t start him.
Kevin Pillar – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd steal. Not great news for Pompey that Saunders returned and Pillar is still playing. First Vesuvius, now this.
Josh Donaldson – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Also in this game, Jose Bautista 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Can I go back to March and draft the entire Blue Jays offense on every team? Please, Mr. DeLorean car dealer.
Clay Buchholz – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 5.76. More like Butt-hurts! Amiright?!
Pablo Sandoval – 4-for-5, 2 runs, now 7 for his last nine with two homers. He bounced right back from being diagnosed with whiplash and having his hopes dashed when he heard his symptoms weren’t related to whipped cream.
Hanley Ramirez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Have you seen him hit a home run recently? He’s seriously channeling his brother from another, Manny Ramirez. He watched the ball leave the stadium in his home run pose, then half jogged/half walked around the bases. He’s definitely Manny’s dreadganger.
Mookie Betts – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .229. According to the Player Rater, Betts has been about as valuable as Jose Iglesias, but having Betts on your team makes Boston girls like you more!
Adam Jones – Due to the riots, the White Sox and Orioles will play today without any fans in attendance. Finally, a White Sox game without Hawk Harrelson.
