After the game, the Cards’ front office called Willson Contreras in. He just went 2-for-5, 6 RBIs and notched his 4th and 5th homers — two three-run homers. They wanted to have a word with him. Congratulations, Contreras thought. They could just send a bottle of champagne back to his room, he figured. Maybe they wanted to give it to him in-person. A gesture, that would be welcome. Contreras sat down in front of Oli Marmol and John Mozeliak. “Willson,” they started, “You had a big game today. Do you have any idea how that made Adam Wainwright feel? He’s got a 5.74 ERA, and you’re out scoring that many runs? That’s gotta take a toll on him. Jack Flaherty was in that dugout, and every time you crossed the plate, you could hear him mutter, ‘I give up runs like that.’ Steven Matz looked on the verge of tears! Poor Matzy! This is why Yadi knew best! He knew not to hit home runs. It’s too much showboating. That’s not the Cardinals’ way.” With that, they dismissed Contreras to go back and apologize to his teammates for performing so well. Hopefully he learns his lesson. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Matthew Liberatore – Headed to the bullpen and “might get another start down the road,” according to the Cards. Then later the Cards said, “He should get another start next week. Probably.” Teams should be measured on a Dick Tripping Scale. 1 to 10, how likely is it they will trip over their own dick? Calling up your best pitching prospect, him pitching well, and your entire team is struggling to find good starting pitcher, so you move him to the pen? That’s about a 9 on the Dick Tripping Scale.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, 6th homer in seven games. The Cards Devil Magic book has all the greatest tricks in it, like how the invisible wires were hung from the sky to help Ozzie Smith flip. Here, I can show you, it’s over by this open window–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!
Paul DeJong – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. Colonel Mustard in this afternoon’s Buy column with words!
Nolan Gorman – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer, hitting .295. When you’re like, “Hmm, not sure if I should pick up Gorman. Handsome Grey thinks I should, but I don’t know.” Pause for a second and consider he’s near top 30 overall on the Player Rater.
Freddie Freeman– 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, which was his 300th homer.
Max Muncy – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer. Lose the Max and just go by Munciest. It’s got a better ring to it, kid.
Gavin Stone – Roberts said Stone “makes most sense” to replace Dustin May. God forbid someone associated with a club were to just say flat-out state something. “Yes, we’re going with Stone.” Is that so hard?
Dylan Cease – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.78, and we pause for a momentary woof. Seven swings and misses was a season low. When I say his numbers are ugly, it feels like it’s doing ugly a disservice. Ugly doesn’t deserve this disrespect. What did ugly ever do to get disrespected this much? Can’t ugly get a reprieve from having to describe everything that’s ugly? Am I working as Ugly’s manager? Maybe, maybe, I am. Cease’s Hard Hit% went from 31% to 49%, which is bad for any pitcher. It’s about the same as Kenta Maeda, Dean Kremer and Nick Pivetta. It is ranked 348th out of all qualified pitchers. Only 380 pitchers qualify. His slider, which was once a knockout pitch, has lost Whiff% and BAA. Slider’s BAA went from .128 to .211. His fastball, or should call it a fatball, has slowed from 96.8 MPH to 95.6. If this were a bigger schedule day, I likely would’ve just yelled SELL and moved on, but we got ourselves a small schedule day to dig in and come to the same ugly conclusion. “C’mon, man, I thought we were cool.” That’s Ugly.
Liam Hendriks – Sounds like he will be activated shortly. I saw one fantasy site say, “Great news. Hendriks has allowed six runs in five innings…” I don’t want to come off as a terrible person. I do think it’s great Hendriks is healthy. I don’t want anyone to have cancer. I am not pro-cancer, in case that needs to be spelled out. Hendriks does not seem ready to go as a closer, and the White Sox are a bad team. Maybe he gets 15 saves the rest of the way with a 4+ ERA. All I’m saying is people are asking about activating him and are dropping good closers to do it. That doesn’t seem smart.
Gabriel Arias – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. It’s the Age of Arias! Not really. But I’m not wearing pants and singing Hair. You’ll get over your outrage.
Logan Allen – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.04. Get the sense pitchers perform well, and fantasy owners just grow bored. Allen has a 9.8 K/9, 2.7 BB/9 and 3.00 FIP. Yet — again with some stank — YET, people are asking about dropping him. I wish my first starter drafted, Alek Manoah, were doing as well as Allen!
Taj Bradley – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.54, as he was recalled. Hey, is Taj trying to prove that it’s harder to pitch in Triple-A or what? Oh, I think I know what it is and why his Triple-A numbers so much worse than his numbers with the Rays. I’m gonna reveal something, so for people who wanna believe in Santa and the Rays, skip ahead to the next blurb so I don’t ruin it. It’s a pretty big spoiler. Okay, everyone gone? Good. The Rays cheat! There’s nothing else that makes any other sense. Oh, you’re trying to tell me every middle reliever who is terrible on another team is suddenly good on the Rays, then that guy leaves the Rays and becomes terrible again? That’s what you wanna believe? Okay, ostrich your head into the terra firma.
Pete Alonso – 1-for-3 and his 16th homer. Albombso!
Tylor Megill – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.88. You think he introduces himself as Igill? Hmm, maybe not. So, since there was very few games yesterday, I looked up Megill’s numbers to see how he was doing it, and I couldn’t find his player page. All I saw was smoke and mirrors. More like Tylor Magicill. His peripherals are hideous. Some of the worst I’ve ever seen.
Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer this week, but who’s counting? The guy with Ohtani in his pitcher’s slot? Nah, not me!
Mike Trout – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games, hitting .280. This guy seems pretty good. Anyone have any scouting reports on him?
Anthony Santander – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, 2nd homer in four games, hitting .263. Don’t think he’s rostered in less than 50% of leagues, and thus eligible for the Buy column later today, but, if he were, he’d be in the Buy column every week, because I’m a big fan. I’m a Stanander.
Adley Rutschman – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and a home run. Guess who has more homers, Santander or Adley? Wrong! They have same number, 7. Guess who has more RBIs. Bzzt! Wrongo! They have the same amount, 24. Adley gets all the attention from real baseball media, but are they that different for fantasy? *whispers* No.
Jose Trevino – Hit the IL with a hammy strain. This comes just a week or so after Lou Trivino underwent Tommy John surgery. Hmm, hmm, hmm, emoji leaning in like Larry David to get a better look at something suspicious. Trevino…Trivino…*snapping* What’s going on here?!
Nestor Cortes – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.21. Since I set myself up in Cease’s blurb as being interested in looking into pitchers yesterday, I peeked under the Cortes hood. It’s not great. 5.01 xFIP, 8.9 K/9, 2.6 BB/9, and a brutal mess on his fastball and slider. Maybe this start leads him back to respectability, but he’s by no means just back.
Aaron Judge – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer and 12th home run after he looked somewhere. Are they just not going to do anything about this?
Bo Bichette – 3-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .328. C’mon, steal a couple bases to quell BDon!
Jose Berrios – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.61. Honestly, I like seeing this from him more than the great starts, because the great starts seem to lead to terrible starts. Just do solid, satisfactory starts, and I’ll lighten. In fairness, his peripherals do look decent. Am I picking him up? Ha, okay, sure. Maybe next year. But the numbers aren’t bad.
Ron Marinaccio – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.50 and his 1st save. Why? Because! You got a problem with it? Take it up with Ron Maraschino!
Bryan De La Cruz – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .287. De La Cruz also famous for the lyrics “Señorita, más fina, in the red dress, woo!”
Eury Perez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.79. Out of all the rookie pitchers, this guy looks like he has the best stuff. Just flat-out dominating. Taj looks great; Bibee super; Eury looks better. Eury also can’t throw many innings, so the universe still doesn’t want us to be happy.
Jeimer Candelario – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .253. Still kinda weird to see him playing for the Nats. Sitting right between Thomas/Dickerson in the lineup, sounding like someone failing their test to become a U.S. citizen. “Nah, bro, it’s Thomas Jefferson. ‘Thomas get your dickers on’ is something Sally Hemings said.”