Pardon me if I’m daffy with silly pills, but, with these top 100 starters for 2015 fantasy baseball, I’ve put out all of my 2015 fantasy baseball rankings. Hahahahaha… Breathe, Grey, breathe! Whew, almost lost it there for a second. Tomorrow will be the top 100 overall, then the top 400 overall, but that’s just putting everyone in perspective. I’m going to now soak my finger bunions in pickle juice and read a good book. Anyone read the Teri Garr autobiography? I hear it’s a real eye grabber. Oh, guess I should finish this post first. As always, my projections are included and where tiers start and stop. Anyway, here’s the top 100 starters for 2015 fantasy baseball:
81. Brandon McCarthy – This tier started in the top 80 starters for 2015 fantasy baseball. This tier goes from here until Dickey. (Yes, Fister to Dickey. Ouch.) I called this tier, “Are you drafting for an ESPN Classic fantasy league?” This offseason I said about McCarthy, “Imagine a guy is at an AYCE buffet and goes to the bathroom to purge himself to make more room to eat again. While he’s in the bathroom, the restaurant closes and he gets locked in. When he returns to the dining room, there’s no one there. What does he do now? He raids the kitchen and keeps eating. That was the Dodgers at the Winter Meetings. People started going home, done for the night and then, in the wee hours, the Dodgers gorged themselves on Brandon McCarthy. A lot will be made of McCarthy’s pristine 2.87 xFIP last year and his velocity jump. He still only has one year of 200 IP and he’s 31 years old. I like that he walks nearly no one (1.49 BB/9 last year), but I still don’t think of him as anything more than a flyer for a 4th or 5th fantasy starter.” And that’s me quoting me! 2015 Projections: 11-8/3.66/1.24/141
82. C.J. Wilson – Last year, his omnipresent Head & Shoulders commercials showed up at about a 1:1 ratio with his walks. He dramatically moved away from his slider and, to a lesser extent, his cutter, and introduced his change more often. A change that produced a 13.1% walk percentage, which would’ve been the worst in the majors. Granted, I only have a degree from the Fantasy Baseball College at Charleston, but I’m not sure it takes a rocket surgeon to realize he should stop throwing the change. Now I know why he’s in so many dandruff commercials, he’s a flake. 2015 Projections: 13-11/3.91/1.36/155
83. Yovani Gallardo – Wanna test your patience? Try YoGa. “Let’s go into Downward Facing Dog…That’s great…Now breathe…Great…Now give up a three-run homer.” 2015 Projections: 10-12/3.82/1.33/142
84. Matt Cain – Season after season, Cain beat his xFIP, then the bottom fell out, tumbled along the road, stopped, turned around, stood up, waited for Michael Bay to yell “Action!” and began to fire a machine gun at Cain’s ERA. 2015 Projections: 9-11/3.93/1.26/151
85. Matt Garza – It’s an extravaGarza! Not to own him. By the by, what does the Evite for a future butler’s bar mitzvah say? An extravaJeevesa! Extravamitzvah? I patiently await the answer. Hurry! 2015 Projections: 12-10/3.78/1.24/135
86. Dan Haren – Haren’s talking about retiring from baseball if he doesn’t get to play in SoCal. We’ll see if he’s serious or if he’s just rushing a fraternity that A.J. Burnett heads, Delta Hangupa Kappa. 2015 Projections: 11-12/3.98/1.24/135
87. Justin Masterson – Here’s what I said this offseason, “Red Sox signed (Masterson). Prior to this and their other pitcher signings this offseason, Boston wrote all free agent pitcher names on the bullpen wall, then coated those names with a layer of Super Glue. When finished, they opened the park to a visiting group of rhesus monkeys and escorted them into the bullpen. Where the crap hit and stuck, they signed. Masterson lost a ton on his velocity last year. So much, it appeared to be a result of an injury. He said it was his knee. If he’s healthy, he could be the best Red Sox starter, capable of a 3.50 ERA with 190 Ks. It’s a bit much to expect that though.” And that’s me copying and pasting me! 2015 Projections: 11-9/4.02/1.32/145
88. Alfredo Simon – This offseason, I said this, “(Simon) will be replacing Porcello’s rotation spot on the Tigers. I try to keep this about fantasy over real world implications, but the Tigers essentially traded Porcello for Cespedes and Simon; I’d say the Tigers were the winners here. They made their offense markedly better and Simon should be able to give them roughly what they lost from Porcello. For fantasy, I don’t like Simon. He should feel comfortable in Detroit where his pregame routine of shooting his gun into the air isn’t frowned on, but his K-rate last year was 5.82. For that strikeout rate to work, he’d need a minus-2 walk rate. Instead, he had a 2.6 BB/9. Chuck that in with his 4.05 xFIP and the move to the AL, and I wouldn’t touch him with a nine-foot pole that then has twelve one-inch straws glued onto its end.” And that’s me– A shizzton of lousy pitchers signed this offseason, huh? 2015 Projections: 11-10/4.17/1.33/109
89. R.A. Dickey – Need a pitcher to go deep? Dickey it is. That’s what she never said! Wham, bam, baa goes my lamb! 2015 Projections: 13-12/4.18/1.25/159
90. Brandon Morrow – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Anderson. I call this tier, “Pop quiz, no essay questions.” Member that terrible movie with Stephen Baldwin, Josh Charles and Lara Flynn Boyle called Threesome? At one point in that movie, Boyle’s character says something like sex with a guy that she just met was like a pop quiz with no essay questions. I’m going by memory because I haven’t seen the movie in 20 years and I couldn’t find the quote on Google, because every time I searched for Threesome quotes, I found things like, “I smoked a pipe after and felt weird,” and, “I think she now loves my best friend’s c*ck.” I mention this Boyle quote because that’s what this tier is. You should enjoy all of these guys for spurts at a time, but they won’t last for long. As for Morrow, here’s what I said this offseason, “Signed with Padres. This is one of those signings that immediately makes fantasy baseballers see wavy lines. “What if Morrow stayed healthy all year?” Wavy lines. “Can you imagine Morrow in Petco?” Wavy lines. “Why can’t I get reception to these pay stations that I don’t pay for?” Wavy lines. Morrow should be a solid upside gamble– Shoot, before I finished that sentence he hurt himself.” And that’s the new me giving you the old me! 2015 Projections: 5-7/3.17/1.21/112
91. Scott Kazmir – If you owned Kazmir last year, you won the lottery. Unfortch, it wasn’t the good lottery where you win $180 million. It was the lottery where Kazmir actually stays healthy. Don’t worry, odds are real good you can win the lottery twice in your life. 2015 Projections: 10-5/3.48/1.27/133 in 150 IP
92. David Phelps – This offseason I said, “(Phelps) went to the Marlins. His starting rotation job will depend on if Haren really retires and who gets the 5th starter slot. Phelps will likely see at least 15 starts in the rotation just by filling in for others. The Yanks, meanwhile, hope this trade of Phelps works out better than their last trade of a Phelps. “My baseball people loved Phelps! They kept saying, ‘Get Phelps, get Phelps.'” And that’s me quoting me! 2015 Projections: 6-7/3.57/1.26/116 in 130 IP
93. Brett Anderson – This offseason I said, “Signed with the Dodgers. On October 2nd of 2015, Brett Anderson and Brandon Morrow will start against each other for their respective 30th starts of the year. And then the world will explode.” And that’s me, well, you know. 2015 Projections: 7-2/3.06/1.12/79 in 115 IP.
94. Jose Fernandez – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Beachy. I call this tier, “Fredi Gonzalez only had a hand in ruining two of these elbows, but I blame him for all pitcher injuries.” My suggestion for all of these guys is when the guy in front of you is drafting in the last round, Google the latest news for all of these pitchers, and then draft one that sounds the most optimistic. Don’t bother looking at news on them now, it’ll change daily. Oh, and when a coach says something like, “He looks like he’s ready to throw off the mound,” that means he’s three months away. When they say, “He’s almost ready for game action,” that’s two months away. And when they say, “He had a very minor setback,” he’s headed for more surgery. 2015 Projections: 4-1/3.04/1.06/78
95. Kris Medlen – Here’s what I said this offseason, “(Medlen) signed with the Royals but won’t be ready for Opening Day, unless the North Koreans threaten MLB that if Shin-Soo Choo isn’t forced to retire, they’ll do something which will have Opening Day pushed back three months, then Medlen might make Opening Day.” And that’s me meddlin’ on Medlen! 2015 Projections: 6-2/3.42/1.25/68
96. Patrick Corbin – Well, you do have two DL spots, right? 2015 Projections: 4-5/3.66/1.24/72
97. Matt Moore – The Rays are expecting Moore to return in May. The fun thing (not fun) is pitchers returning from Tommy John surgery usually lose some control at first, and Moore was already a 4+ BB/9 guy, so here’s to some unintentional intentional walks! 2015 Projections: 7-9/4.23/1.41/120
98. Brandon Beachy – Well, you do have two (underlined, capped, italicized) DL spots, right? 2015 Projections: 8-5/3.52/1.22/61
99. Yusmeiro Petit – This is a new tier. This tier goes from until Cosart. I call this tier, “Besame mi cuello, mi safety net!” My Spanglish tier name means that you’re throwing caution to the wind when you draft from this tier. This tier is for upside, but there’s also big downside too. A bunch of these guys could lose their rotation job as soon as spring training. If they make it to October in the rotation, then you’re likely to get more from them than any of the other guys in these last twenty (40?) starters. Some of the projections in this tier are better than above guys, but there’s a lot more risk here. As for Petit, he’s the epitome of this tier. If he’s in the rotation all year, he could be a top 30 starter. If he’s in the bullpen as a long reliever, then you’re gonna drop him before the season starts. Also, he could start in the bullpen, then get in the rotation by May and be an Arrieta-in-2014-type surprise. Petit: Little name, big possibilities. This offseason, Big Head Bochy said, “That’s one of the things we’ll talk about in the offseason (whether Petit’ll be in the rotation). This guy has saved us out of the pen and when we’ve need a starter. It’s something we’re very much aware of: he can start, too.” That clears it up! Why narrow it down to only the bullpen and rotation? Shoot, Bochy, let him play right field too! As of right now, Lincecum will be in the rotation, but first injury or sign of ineffectiveness (which could be by mid-April) and Petit will start. 2015 Projections: 7-2/3.80/1.10/122
100. Aaron Sanchez – I already went over my Aaron Sanchez fantasy. I wrote it while having a leak to the press handled by Olivia Pope. 2015 Projections: 6-8/4.22/1.38/134 in 150 IP
101. Noah Syndergaard – I already went over my Noah Syndergaard fantasy. I wrote it while letting someone else pump my gas for me in New Jersey. 2015 Projections: 6-4/3.61/1.29/89 in 100 IP
102. T.J. House – Sky gave you his T.J. House sleeper post. There he said, “Scratch beneath….Stevie Wonder…Fell asleep and thankfully farted loud enough.” What the hell is he talking about?! 2015 Projections: 9-10/3.87/1.35/132 in 170 IP
103. Hector Santiago – Has minor league seasons with 10+ K/9 and has The Sciosciapath, who occasionally thinks Santiago is a long reliever. 2015 Projections: 8-10/3.62/1.32/129
104. Archie Bradley – Made the Diamondbacks staff because the Diamondbacks are throwing caution to the wind like Bud Selig on a sailboat without a toupee-barrette. I already gave you a Archie Bradley fantasy, but there I didn’t expect him to get a starting job from the rotation. The rest kinda holds true. He’s been a flippin’ mess in the minors, but with great opportunity comes great…Someone find a nerd to finish that. Nerd! Nerd! Nerd! Why did I suddenly become Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds? I’d take Bradley as a flyer in deeper leagues, but wouldn’t expect anything, but streamer for now. 2015 Projections: 7-9/3.96/1.42/140
105. Danny Salazar – He is the one you want — oo-oo-oo — cause the power pitches he’s supplying, they’re electrifying! His 4.25 ERA from last year better shape up, ’cause I need a starter! And my heart is set on you! His 1.38 WHIP from last year better shape up, you better understand he had a terrible BABIP! To my heart I must be true! Nothing left, nothing left for him to do! Okay, now we will never speak of me singing Grease again. Who sung Grease? Good, already forgotten. UPDATE: K-Zar was overthrown by McAllister? What is this, 15th century Scotland? 2015 Projections: 6-2/3.76/1.28/128 in 120 IP
106. Danny Duffy – There should prolly be a sleeper post about Duffy. He’s getting the short end of the Wow, There’s A Lot Of Pitchers stick. His peripherals were just kinda yawnstipating last year (6.8 K/9, 3.2 BB/9), and they don’t support his 2.53 ERA. What could support that ERA is his 93 MPH fastball and 78 MPH curve, but he’d have to do an about face on last year’s peripherals and withhold that great ERA with different numbers. Essentially, I’m saying that if he had a 8+ K/9 and 3 BB/9 and a 4+ ERA last year, I’d have him 30 to 40 spots higher. 2015 Projections: 11-13/3.86/1.31/144
107. Rubby de la Rosa – Here’s what I said this offseason, “Going the other way in the Miley trade (along with Allen Webster). Rubby must’ve done just that on his rabbit’s foot, because he lands in much better place. Of course, this will likely mean Randall Delgado is bumped to the bullpen without an injury making room as he’s wondering who he Rubby’d the wrong way like Johnny Gill. Rubby has solid stuff (94 MPH fastball), but hasn’t put it together yet (6.6 K/9, 4.43 ERA last year in 101 2/3 IP). With mid-90’s stuff, there’s always a chance for either a breakout or streaming in the NL.” And that’s me giving you the Rub down! 2015 Projections: 9-10/3.87/1.34/161
108. Shane Greene – Here’s what I said this offseason (technically I’m saying all of this during the offseason; don’t be technical), “Finally, the last piece in the Didi deal (Didi deal, Didi deal, Didi deal!) with Greene going to the Tigers. The Ray/Greene aspects of the trade remind me of a trade that happens in fantasy leagues between two of your competitors that makes you want to stop receiving email updates of league trades. How do I unsubscribe from meaningless deals? Is there a box to check? Greene had a solid year last year 9.3 K/9, 3.3 BB/9, 3.40 xFIP (those are solid if ratios you don’t understand scare you). His fastball averages 93 MPH, so it’s not like he’s totally out of his element, Donnie. I think Greene could be a sneaky pickup in mixed leagues once the season starts or a great AL-Only flyer, but I have the feeling he won’t even be drafted in most shallow leagues. You could say, I’m Greene with “what could be.” Actually, don’t say that, ever.” And that’s me–Jesus, we get it already! 2015 Projections: 9-11/3.91/1.42/141 in 150 IP
109. Alex Colome – Oh my Hayzeus Cristo, there’s a ton of starters. Me can see Colome making the rotation, me can not see it too, me can also see him starting until Moore return. Shoot, sorry, I had Hulk auto-correct on. All of the guys in this tier could end up making an Arrieta-in-2014-type leap up the rankings for next year. Rhett Miller’s favorite hurler, Colome, seems the least likely, but he does have a 94 MPH fastball and upside, so I’d gamble in a deep league. 2015 Projections: 7-10/3.81/1.33/117
110. Daniel Norris – This offseason he had loose bodies removed from his elbow. Then the bodies were examined by David Caruso after he whipped off his sunglasses. Norris should be fine by the time the season rolls around, and I’m not concerned about that. In fact…IN FACT! (ooh, emphasis), I’d have Norris about forty spots higher if I knew for sure he’d throw 170 IP this year in the majors. Member when Jose Fernandez came relatively out of nowhere his rookie year? Norris is capable of that. More likely, he’ll be a June call-up and Marco Estrada will be the Jays 5th starter. Um, yay? 2015 Projections: 6-3/3.27/1.29/84 in 90 IP
111. Mike Foltynewicz – Man, that name really rolls right off the tongue…if you’re in Poland and you’ve just drank a liter of Stoli. Wait, that’s everyone in Poland. I guess that’s why Foltynewicz is “Hello” in Polish. The only thing that has me really excited with Foltynewicz is the Braves seem to make a mountain out of a molehill with their young arms. Okay, one other thing is he throws 100 MPH. Foltynewicz to you too! 2015 Projections: 9-8/4.01/1.42/122 in 135 IP
112. Allen Webster – See what I said for A.J. Pollock and make it a pitcher. Okay, fine, I’ll just repeat it, but I don’t want to make a habit of repeating myself. And that’s me warning me! Webster has potential and on a lousy team that should let him just roll out there every five days. Unless, of course, he looks gee-dee awful and Daniel Hudson, Corbin, Delgado, Arroyo, etc. are healthy and effective. On a related note, Daniel Hudson is being used as a reliever because he had Tommy John surgery. If every team thought like that, there would be no starters. 2015 Projections: 10-12/4.31/1.41/110
113. Chase Anderson – If my math’s right, the Diamondbacks have an 8-man rotation, and this is before Corbin and Arroyo return and with Randall Delgado and Daniel Hudson in the bullpen. Not to mention, Vidal Nuno, Robbie Ray and Archie Bradley. Okay, so I have no idea if Anderson is in the rotation. 2015 Projections: 7-3/4.24/1.35/95
114. Matthew Wisler – He was crushed in Triple-A last year — 5.01 ERA in 116 2/3 IP. He also lost more than two Ks per nine from Double-A the year before — 10.50 K/9 to 7.8. Hey, this is one way to get excited about a pitcher! I imagine a better way would be saying nice things about him. The Padres’ Triple-A team is in the PCL, which aids offense like they’re hitting with an aluminum bat on the moon. They probably don’t move the fences back in that league, so the Padres have something exciting to look forward to with their hitting prospects. “He hit 45 homers in 17 games in Triple-A!” Dot dot dot. “And he hit three homers in 660 ABs in Petco.” I would suggest the PCL is doing far more damage than its worth. How can you get a handle on anyone if they’re playing in a pinball league? Or the Padres should at least promote their pitching prospects from Double-A to the majors. That’s not complete hogwash on the tomfoolery tip either. The Dodgers regularly promote pitching prospects from Double-A to the majors so they skip the PCL. We’ll ignore how stupid it is to have a developmental league that ruins development. So, we too should think of Wisler like he just went to Double-A and hope his confidence wasn’t shaken too much in Triple-A, because in Double-A he was peaches and cream and everything in-between — 3.00 ER and a 8.8 K/9 in Double-A in 2013, and 2.10 ERA and a 10.5 K/9 in Double-A last year. At some point, Morrow will get injured, Erlin isn’t short for Sterling and Idriselba Despaigne is a third Stringer. So, assuming Wisler gets the shot he deserves, I could see him putting up a solid fourth starter for mixed leagues, at least a home schooler for all leagues, and a guy that I’ll probably be mentioning a whole lot as a streamer once he gets the call. 2015 Projections: 5-3/3.42/1.21/87 Ks in 100 IP
115. Kyle Gibson – Since everyone should make silly predictions that have about a 1% chance of coming true, I predict Kyle Gibson will make the All-Star Game. Now, back to reality, he likely be a 4+ ERA starter that has no Ks. 2015 Projections: 10-11/4.11/1.33/119
116. Drew Pomeranz – Who let Pomeranz out? Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof! Oh, like “I believe in Stephen Vogt” is that catchy. 2015 Projections: 8-11/3.89/1.31/126
117. Alex Meyer – He throws hard. His fastball, at least. Meyer stands at six-foot, nine-inches and regularly throws 100 MPH. My fastball has a first name, it’s O-Shizz-S-C-A-R-Y! My pitcher has a second name, it’s M-E-Y-E-R. I love to watch it every day, and if you ask me why, I’ll say cause Alex Meyer has a way with F-A-S-T-B-A-L-L. What can I say, I like my fastballs hard as The Game when he’s dissing Frank Ocean. By the by, the first time I listened to The Game’s Bigger Than Me track, I heard “I was in the Double XL,” and I thought he meant he had two monitors set up, working on two Excel spreadsheets simultaneously. Just about every other power pitcher, Meyer’s control is wonky. Half of his strikeouts prolly come from batters doing the duck and cover while feebly swinging. In Triple-A last year, he had a 10.6 K/9 in 130 1/3 IP while chucking in a pretty disastrous 4.4 BB/9. Can’t the universe produce one 100 MPH thrower that can hit his spots? Oh, yes, Stephen Strasburg. Alasburg, they can’t all be Stephen. 2015 Projections: 4-6/4.19/1.39/67 in 75 IP
118. Dan Straily – In the trade that sent Fowler to the Cubs, Straily went to the Astros as he officially becomes the pitching version of Brett Wallace. Only one more team for Straily to play for — the Yakult Swallows. 2015 Projections: 11-9/4.01/1.32/136
119. Kendall Graveman – Beane announced this offseason that Graveman has the inside track on the 5th rotation spot and Jesse Chavez would be in the bullpen. I’m afraid ever since the Moneyball movie Beane thinks his feces smells like Reese’s Pieces. Someone needs to have an intervention with Beane and explain to him that everything he does isn’t great. Chavez was decent last year (top 30 K-rate), and Graveman had a 5.2 K/9 in Triple-A. I wouldn’t expect much from Graveman, but with a rotation job and some velocity, maybe he surprises. 2015 Projections: 9-11/4.32/1.28/94
120. Jarred Cosart – Hello? Can anyone hear me? I’m in this Plato cave of pitchers and I can’t find my out. Is there any end in sight? 2015 Projections: 12-9/4.18/1.38/125
121. Wade Miley – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until the end of the list. I call this tier, “Their mothers love them.” As for Miley, here’s what I said this offseason, “Traded to the Red Sox. This trade came with some bittersweet news for Sawx fans. They were happy to finally nail down a pitcher, but the news came with everyone saying that Miley would be Boston’s ace. I think the exclamation you’re looking for is yikes. Last year, he had a 8.2 K/9 and 3.4 BB/9, which aren’t terrible (his 4.34 ERA was; though he was unlucky and had a 3.50 xFIP). The encouraging stat is his home ERA was 5.62, and he’s getting out there. Less encouraging is he’s headed to Fenway and the AL East. He might be usable in AL-Only leagues, but in those leagues anyone that throws 200 IP is usable. I wouldn’t go near him in mixed leagues.” And that’s me raining on Miley’s parade! 2015 Projections: 13-9/3.92/1.34/178
122. Tim Lincecum – Ever since he cut his hair to resemble kd lang, his pitching has given fantasy owners about as much a chance as guys have with kd lang. He should cut his hair like Hayden Panettiere. Just cause. 2015 Projections: 10-12/4.14/1.38/134
123. Henderson Alvarez – Silly prediction #2! Alvarez gets a no-hitter in May and is 100% owned by June. Actually, I’m not even sure why Alavarez is ranked this low. He’s not that bad. *looks at his K-rate, barfs, notices remote control in vomit* Cougs, I found the remote control! 2015 Projections: 10-8/3.69/1.29/96
124. Edinson Volquez – This offseason I said, “(Edinson) signed a two-year $20 million deal with the Royals. He should send nineteen-point-nine million dollars worth of Omaha Steaks to the Pirates pitching coach, Ray Searage, for the holidays. Edinson is gonna be like that State Farm commercial where the wife catches her husband talking to someone late at night and thinks it’s a mistress. Only in Edinson’s case it’ll be him talking to Searage, ‘No, I know you don’t play the Angels this year, but could you look at some of their scouting reports for me?'” And that’s me quoting me! 2015 Projections: 10-12/4.24/1.40/136
125. Ross Detwiler – Hey, Rockies pitching staff, things could be worse. You could be the Rangers pitching staff. 2015 Projections: 11-13/4.44/1.40/102
126. John Lackey – I could’ve also put here Mike “No Really I Gotta Take A” Leake, The Harangutan, Jeff “Show Me The Key And I’ll Show You The” Locke, Colby “Cheese” Lewis, Tim “Don’t Throw Those Boots Into The” Hudson, Bartolo “Hey, Nice” Colon, Travis “Hey, Nice” Wood, Jon “Hey, Nice” Niese, Clay “Aw, Does Your” Buchholz, Vance “Swirly” Worley or any number of pitchers that could be useful when it’s time for the Stream-o-Nator or for extended periods of time if they get on a roll — Hey, what is that pumpernickel bun doing under my tukis? Oh, I’m on a roll. — but there’s no reason to draft most of these guys outside of very deep leagues. 2015 Projections: Bleh-blah/Burp/Derpy/Yeah, no thanks
