“All year.  All.  Year.  I’ve been starting Jeff Samardzija in one 15 team league.  It’s an NFBC league so I couldn’t drop him (there’s no waivers).  It’s not a great league to bench starters.  I had options like Colby Lewis and Adam Warren.  Not great options.  But, finally, yesterday, I decided enough was enough.  If I was going to lose, at least I would lose with Samardzija out of my lineup.  So, Samardnuts goes out and throws a one-hitter (9 IP, o ER, 1 Hit, Zero Walks, 6 Ks).”  That was how I concluded the story to the doctor when I first ended up in the mental asylum.  Samardzija is actually easier to type while wearing a straitjacket.  Coincidence?  Immediately following the story, I cackled myself to sleep in a puddle of my own bodily fluids.  I’m not even sure what fluid it was.  I’m guessing urine, but you got me on specifics.  As we know, earlier this year Oxford Dictionary replaced &@*^&*@%! that connotes a curse word with Samardzija, and I can think of nothing more fitting than screaming SAMARDZIJA!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Erik Johnson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  This guy will be a great example next year why you shouldn’t draft pitching early.  No, he won’t be Kershaw, but I bet he’ll go late and Johnson will be completely usable — that’s what she said, never.

Kyle Ryan – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Ryan didn’t seem capable of throwing more than five innings prior to this.  Then, after yesterday, his dad, Jack, yelled, “You have reserves in the tank!?”

John Lamb – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He’s gonna deserve a long look in the offseason, and not in a weird Scottish man looking at Lamb way, but in a “This guy had a 10+ K/9 in the majors and 10+ K/9 in the minors in 2015” way.

Billy Hamilton – Will have shoulder surgery on Friday.  Honestly, I thought he only had legs and feet.  A shoulder?  Well, if you say so.

Yadier Molina – Out with a slight tear in his thumb.  His brother Bengie duct-taped a spork to Yadier’s hand, but Yadier explained that he was having problems catching, not eating.

Randal Grichuk – 0-for-3 as he started in left field.  I’ve been all “Wham-bam, thank you, Pham,” but the Cardinals outfield could start to get crowded if Holliday ever returns too.

Jaime Garcia – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Straight streamer at this point, and the Stream-o-Nator liked his start yesterday and likes his next start even more, so I’d definitely grab and/or hold.

Adam Wainwright – Cleared for activity and could return this season as a reliever.  I’m not even joking when I say, knowing the Cardinals good fortune, Wainwright will come back and pitch 25 perfect relief innings in the playoffs.

Yasmany Tomas – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer.  In this game, Aaron Hill (2-for-5) also homered, his 6th.  I mention these guys together, because if you told me they both retired a month ago, I would’ve believed you.

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 29th homer.  Au Shizz!

Justin Turner – Underwent an MRI on his knee.  Mattingly joked this weekend that Turner’s knee has bothered him for years.  At least we think he was joking because a bunch of Dodgers fans were yelling at him, “You’re a clown!”

Adrian Gonzalez – 2-for-4 and his 28th homer.  As someone who doesn’t own him, please don’t let him have one more hot streak in him where he hits five homers in four games.

Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer.  This game featured Yasmany and Yasmani going deep, which plural is Yes men, which sounds like Yasmine, and, as Seth Smith would say, Bleeth don’t look up a current picture of her.

Brett Anderson – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Okay, now in that one league where I streamed him, I only need 180 scoreless innings in the final two weeks.  Nothing to it!

Greg Bird – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, and like his 12th homer in the last eight games.  Bird’s in the zone like when he stole that Isiah inbounds pass.  No, I don’t know basketball, but that highlight has been playing non-stop for the last 35 years.  “Hey, we need a white guy NBA highlight…I got just the one!”  That’s the NBA control room director.  Speaking of which, JB’s doing straight butter with fantasy basketball, go check him out.  As for Bird, I’ve been telling you to grab him for five days.

David Price – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks.  The difference between your H2H playoffs and the real playoffs?  In the real playoffs, the Blue Jays will likely try to throw Price on one day’s rest.  In your H2H playoffs, I wouldn’t be surprised if Price only gets one more full start, then only goes a few innings in his last game.

Hanley Ramirez – Getting close to returning.  Well, specifically, he’s getting close to returning for a game, then being day-to-day with another injury.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I don’t usually use adjectives like gutsy and courageous, because, Brucely, it’s baseball, but Eduardo looked like vomit in the first inning, giving up three quick runs, and could’ve rolled over, but, dammit, if he wasn’t gutsy and courageous and other police officer/firemen adjectives.

Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 7th homer.  Eat it, Bumgarner!

Brock Holt – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and hitting over .400 in the last week.  Pedroia (3-for-4, 2 runs) came back and the entire Red Sox offense seemed to turn on their heartlight, like with Neil Diamond or ’94 Sega Hockey.

Robbie Ross – 1 IP, 1 ER and his 3rd straight day with a save.  I’ll tell you what it’s like owning him.  Ross is coming into the game.  *holds breath*  Ross gets the save.  *exhales*  When you own Ross, you should also get some scuba gear.

Chris Archer – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 3 Ks.  If his control would’ve looked this wonky in April, I would’ve been worried.  Now, I’m like, “Give me two more starts, doode!”

Brandon Guyer  – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  That Guyer over there!  He doesn’t play every day, but if you can platoon him, he might be a slight schmotato.

Carlos Correa – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer.  Oh, he also has 12 steals.  That’s in a little over half a season.  Zoinks!  2nd rounder next year?  Or do you just bite the bullet and reach for him in the first?

Evan Gattis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer.  Guarantee you that this is someone next year in March, “Do you think Gattis catches enough games this year to get catcher eligibility?”

Dallas Keuchel – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks in 116 pitches.  I get that the Astros want to win, but they had a pretty sizable lead (6-1).  116 pitches on a guy that is already 19 innings past his career high feels excessive.  Not quite as excessive as Crazy Eyes’ Emmy speech, but excessive.

Tom Murphy – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd home run in as many home games.  That home being Coors.  So, do I like him?  I don’t even really know him.  His minor league numbers look okay, but whoever’s playing in Coors is a start.

Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer.  Who would be better in a full season of Coors:  Aramis or Morneau?  I’d go Aramis.  I’d also say Aramis could hit 25 homers again as a Rockies player.  Oh, man, I’m giving Walt Weiss ideas, aren’t I?

Starling Marte – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer.  You know what I like to call him?  Starling Muah!

Jon Niese – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  When I suggested the Mets go to a rotation of only Niese and Colon to save their other pitchers’ arms, you thought I was daffy like your Great Aunt Carla, but looks less daffy now, huh, pardner?  If the Mets don’t listen to me and stick with Niese’s regular rotation spot, the Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like his next start, and I agree.

Michael Conforto – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer.  Absolutely could be a top 20 outfielder next year, but won’t be drafted like one.  Do I hear sleeper?  Well, yes, because I’m listening to a seashell I picked up from Jedd Gyorko’s backyard beach area.

Shelby Miller – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Junky WHIP, not great Ks, but, honestly, with how he’s looked recently, you got off easy if you started him.

Ryan Zimmerman – Has yet to swing a bat.  Which means he’s exactly where he’s been for the last three years.

Jason Hammel – 5 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.79.  Oh, c’mon, I’m calling bullshizz here.  There’s no way his ERA is 3.79.  He’s hot garbage that’s wedged between Billy Butler’s moobs.  I demand an Al Gore recount!

Starlin Castro – 2-for-2, 1 run, 2 RBIs.  Didn’t play the full game yesterday, and hasn’t been playing every day, which is bizzonkers because he’s about as hot as they come right now — three homers in the last ten games, hitting over .400 in the last week.

Ryan Braun – Out again yesterday due to a sore back.  Braun acknowledged that he’s going to need back surgery in the offseason, and he likely won’t be playing much these final two weeks.  The good news is his thumb won’t be hurting him again until his back is all better.  Hmm, that’s not very good news.  How about this good news:  in the time Braun is out, undetectable steroids will have a few months to make advancements.  There, that’s good news!

Khris Davis – 1-for-4 and his 23rd homer.  I’ve only said this about 23 times, but Khris Davis missed about forty games this year.  Look again at his power numbers.

Adam Lind – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer.  Lind is the type to get crazy hot for stretches like that girl you ogle in yoga pants, and Lind is currently hitting over .400 in the last week.

Domingo Santana – 1-for-3, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal.  Because, ya know, like a Spanish priest I love Domingo.

Jimmy Nelson – Was shut down after being hit by a liner.  Sounds like Nelson was doing a spot-on iceberg impersonation.

Odubel Herrera – Was benched on Sunday for pouting.  He also wasn’t able to go with the rest of the team for ice cream.

 
  1. seph meier says:
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    I’m pretty sure the yasmany’s Homer at least 33% of the time on the same day. Probably higher but out of the 9 chances just saying..look it up. 33% of the time it works yasmani(y) time . or don’t baseball is almost over…

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @seph meier: Your math is a foreign concept to me, said Caveman Attorney

  2. JB Gilpin

    JB Gilpin says:
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    STRAIGHT BUTTAH! Maybe the bodily fluid was my butter… Wait, ummmmm, ew.

  3. Bobby Cocksmen says:
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    Longtime reader first time commenter. I’m in the final week of H2H playoffs and in the championship and I need some advice!

    Need 2 2B/SS with at least one guy with SS eligibility. Who do you like between:
    Odubel Herrera (SS), Rougned Odor, Ketel Marte (SS), Eddie Rosario, Marcus Semien(SS)

    Which 3 or 4 would you choose between these 1B/3B for this final week? Need at least 1 with 3B eligibility
    Justin Bour, Travis Shaw(3B), Mark Canha, Danny Valencia(3B), Greg Bird, Lucas Duda

    Thanks Grey!

    • Bobby Cocksmen says:
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      @Bobby Cocksmen: Aramis Ramirez is also in the mix at 3B

      • The Tribe says:
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        @Bobby Cocksmen: “I’m a cocksmen!”
        *awkward silence*

  4. SF says:
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    god damn Samardzija…

    I benched him against the Tigers too after he got roasted by the A’s.

    now I’m not sure if I dare start him or sit him again vs the Yankees.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @SF: I wouldn’t start him, he’s passive aggressive

  5. Slimbo says:
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    Who is the better pickup

    Khris Davis or David peralta?

    Thanks

  6. Ante GALIC says:
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    Grey!!

    Hoping all goes well tonight with ‘Kuma, Ross and Salazar!!! Prayer hexagon opened.

    NORM MACDONALD quote of the day:

    ‘ARod apparently wants gal pal Cameron Diaz to get breast implants. Hey, me too!!’

    BONUS:

    ‘You know there might be SOME good news about Schwarzenegger’s illegitimate child. Being the son of a governor and a maid means that this kid is going to be great at cleaning up this fiscal mess we’re in.’

    DOUBLE BONUS:

    ‘Former NYG Wide Receiver Plaxico Burress was released from prison on Monday after serving a 20-month sentence for shooting himself in the leg at a Manhattan night club. After his release, Plaxico gave a very short statement to reporters. And that’s a good idea, buddy, you don’t want to shoot yourself in the foot right out of prison.’

    Cheers,
    Ante

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Ante GALIC: I only own Salazar but I’ll pray with you… Ha!

  7. Manley Ramirez says:
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    get crazy hot for stretches like that girl you ogle in yoga pants –> nicely done sir

  8. RiffRaff says:
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    H2H playoffs. Need a hot bat.
    Pick up Bird, Castro or the other Khris Davis?

    • Greys #1 Fan says:
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      @RiffRaff:

      Khris Davis

  9. Bill Lee says:
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    i did the same thing. rolled with Samardzija the whole year because i had a comfortable 1st place lead.

    after a first round bye, i decided it was best not to carry Samardzija into this week’s match.
    FMG!

    FMG= fock me gently

    • Lville Jim says:
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      @Bill Lee: FMG the B side to the Andy Kim classic.

      • Grey

        Grey says:
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        @Lville Jim: I’m more familiar with Andy Gibb

        • Lville Jim says:
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          @Grey: Dude was banging Victoria Principal at the height of her hotness.

          • Grey

            Grey says:
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            True baller, indeed

  10. jvanslyke says:
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    I’m in a battle for Hrs in a roto and just dropped pujols for bird. Am I an idiot or is that ok?

    • Phil of the Future says:
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      @jvanslyke: It’s fine. Everyone you aren’t keeping next year is droppable now.

  11. Leon says:
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    What’s your early thoughts about ranking these guys for next year?

    Conforto, Bird, Piscotty, Souza, Rusney

    • Leon says:
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      @Leon:

      Throw Franco in there for fun, since I own all of them. Is this a good core to rebuild around?

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Leon: Depends on PT, but Conforto, Piscotty, Franco, Souza

  12. The Dutchmen says:
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    It should be simple but I just can’t decide… Do I start or sit Severino tonight? He’s throwing against the Jays.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      I’m starting him in one 15 team league, I’d bench him in shallower ones

    • Duke says:
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      @The Dutchmen: I’ve got the same decision but I don’t think I can run him out there vs that offense in that ballpark. It seems like the Jays especially own the yankees too, and Streamonator doesn’t like it either…

      If you guys do start him I’ll be part of your prayer hexagon though

  13. Joey Jo Jo Jr Shabadoo says:
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    yeah, Hammel’s hamstring clearly never got right. Been at best serviceable only since it in late July. Never went on DL.
    Last move of the year. 20 team H2H. BB, hits, slugging, OPS, total bases, holds and QS added.
    schwarber
    shaw
    forsythe
    c-sant
    suarez
    OF bruce/piscotty/yelich
    util coghlan
    BN baez/sandoval (baez losing playing time, sandoval is busy munching down on his white blood cells, even though he was told by a nutritionist that white things are worse for you than their colored counterparts)
    DL stanton (i have no idea how this team is still doing well missing it’s 1st round pick)
    SP Elias,Kluber, Duffey, Hendricks, Kuechel, McHugh, Fiers
    RP colome, a.miller, kela, n.jones, vizcaino
    Drop sandoval or baez for any of these: pham, colby, domingo, mickey mouse mahtook or just hold in case of somebody playing less than sandoval or baez?

  14. Slam says:
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    I put in a claim for Starlin yesterday when I saw how hot he was, but now I just noticed that someone in my league dropped Cano, who is also hitting right now.

    Should I stick with Starlin or put a bid on Cano? This is the semi finals of H2H playoffs so it’s all about this season. Doubt I would keep either.

    Thanks!

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      I’d want Cano

  15. Alex says:
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    Who do you guys like, Colon vs. ATL or Porcello vs. TB?

    • Greys #1 Fan says:
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      @Alex:

      Colin is more likely to get the win imo

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Both…Porcello

  16. G says:
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    Hey Grey. Thoughts on starting Conley Tomm at home vs. the Phils? Also thoughts on picking up Eduardo Rodriguez for his weekend start vs Baltimore? Vaguely remember s writer in here posting some stats about Orioles diffiuties with lefties. Thanks as always.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @G: I’d start anyone vs. Phils… I’d start Eduardo

  17. Just Busted says:
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    Is Happ a good start in Colorado today? Thanks.

    I Love the Smell Of Mustache Wax In The Morning!

    • Phil of the Future says:
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      @Just Busted: No, Happ is not a good start in Colorado today.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      I wouldn’t

  18. papasmurf says:
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    Grey you must have some smurf genes in you. Maybe you are 1/32 smurf. What you describe with Shock has happened many a time in Smurfville.

    Maddon is really maddoning. The Cubs win in spite of him. The crap he pulled with Rondon and now benching and yanking out of the game his hottest hitter.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @papasmurf: Totally, I’m 1/18th Smurf

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Oh, and agreed on Maddon

  19. Clyde Prompto says:
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    I drafted Samardzija in an NFBC-style AL Only league. I traded him for Brandon Moss, who was then shipped to the NL a week later. I still won the trade by a landslide.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Totally

  20. Matt says:
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    Should I start Hisashi Iwakuma today at KC
    also should I start Luis Severino at Toronto?

    H2h league. dude will have me in Ks. my era and whip is low thanks to jaime and price last night.

    Thanks Grey. Daily Reader

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Matt: I’d start Hisashi, bench Severino

  21. Amolnar says:
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    Sit or start Severino tonight vs. Toronto?

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      I’m starting him in one 15 team, benching in a 12 team league

  22. Packers says:
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    Looking at dropping B. Moss, in a dynasty roto league for next year. I’m looking for some overall production but mainly SB’s. Who do you like of DeShields, Gose, kiemaier, Pompey or E. Rosario for my 5th outfielder. I also have A. Gordon on reserves would you drop him for any of the above or either J. Ross, T. Duffy, D. Norris or J. Lamb? Thank you, I’m doing very well with my teams this year, thanks to you and your staff.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Packers: DeShields…Norris, no problem

  23. Phil of the Future says:
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    Yo, B to the B,

    Got out of the gates okay yesterday, got the jump on my other best bud. A small jump, but I’ll take it.

    See alot of people asking about Severino today. I ain’t starting him. You? I couldn’t advise it unless you are in full risk mode…

    Might have some streamer situations for you later today. Until then I’ll be working on the prototype for our suction cup dad-head bowls…..

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      BB! I’m starting him in a 15 team league, benching him in a 12 team league, it’s kinda on a league by league thing to start him… It’s obviously a start that could go sideways

      • Phil of the Future says:
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        @Grey: Agreed. Mine is a 12 teamer where I also have Arrieta, Salazar, and Koehler going tonight. So I’m thinking benching is the move.

        My opponent is throwing Ross and Owens tonight.

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          I’m having a discussion above with Ante, don’t you think he should change his resume name to: Balki Bartokomous

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Oh, and yeah, bench him

          • Phil of the Future says:
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            @Grey: Yup. And of course he should this isn’t even a question. I’ll chime in.

            • Grey

              Grey says:
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              I should be a job counselor

              • Phil of the Future says:
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                @Grey: I’m actually a job counselor for job counselors….

                • Ante GALIC says:
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                  @Phil of the Future: Phil! Couldn’t reply further above! You could never make me angry only happy.

                  Cheers,
                  Ante

  24. Scott says:
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    Max Kepler’s up. Worth a shot while the Twins try him out? Seriously, I don’t even know who their current first basemen is.

    • FKA Ralph says:
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      @Scott: guy named Mauer

      • Scott says:
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        @FKA Ralph: If Grey doesn’t talk about a batter, does he still hit?

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Scott: He’s a bench bat

  25. FKA Ralph says:
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    H2H finals — looking to see if I’m overthinking, or if you agree with my start/sit decisions

    I need to pick two of these three:

    Khris Davis @Cubs v Arrieta — Davis has a .645 OPS against righties away from Miller Park. Hit a HR off a righty at Wrigley yesterday, but Arrieta…

    Freeman @Mets v Verrett (R) — Freeman makes his living against RHPs, but Metco….

    Blackmon @Coors v happ (L) — Blackmon doesn’t hit LHPs too well, but has an .812 OPS against LHPs in Coors

    Fowler @Wrigley v Cravy (R) — Fowler has cooled off, but this seems like a nice matchup.

    I’m leaning toward Blackmon and Fowler. I got 4 SBs yesterday and he got zero, but he has Dee Gordon.

    Thanks!

    • papasmurf says:
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      @FKA Ralph: Ya easy decision: Fowler and Blackmon like you already lean.

      Or Freeman over Fowler if u gotta change. Depends on what stats u need.

  26. Patrick says:
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    Grey….10 team league one week playoff….do I start Severino or bench today @ Toronto. Leaning bench after his last outing against them.

  27. Mr Baseball says:
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    I HAVE TO DROP 2 PLAYERS HERE BEFORE END OF SEASON – SO PICK 2 GRAY – THEN NEXT SPRING I WILL HAVE TO KEEP 10 PLAYERS OUT OF THIS GROUP BUT I WILL SPEAK TO YOU NEXT SPRING ABOUT THAT PART – 16 TEAM KEEPER LEAGUE

    Hyun-jin Ryu LAD – SP –
    Lance McCullers Hou – SP –
    Carlos Rodon CWS – SP,RP –
    Kenley Jansen LAD – RP –
    James Paxton Sea – SP
    Zack Wheeler NYM – SP
    Nathan Eovaldi NYY – SP –
    Erik Johnson CWS – SP –
    Jon Gray Col – SP –
    Joe Ross Was – SP –
    Jerad Eickhoff Phi – SP –
    Raisel Iglesias Cin – SP –
    Brandon Finnegan –

    George Springer Hou – CF,RF –
    Yoenis Céspedes NYM – LF,CF –
    Yasiel Puig LAD – CF,RF –
    Kyle Schwarber ChC – C,LF –
    Ryan Zimmerman Was – 1B,3B,LF –
    Billy Burns Oak – CF –
    Ketel Marte Sea – 2B,SS –
    Jean Segura Mil – SS –
    Josh Harrison Pit – 2B,3B,LF,RF
    Brandon Phillips Cin – 2B –
    Melky Cabrera CWS – LF –
    Yasmany Tomás Ari – 3B,RF –
    Jonathan Schoop Bal – 2B,3B –
    Mark Teixeira NYY – 1B –

    Roster Positions: C, 1B, 2B, 3B, SS, LF, CF, RF, Util, SP, SP, SP, RP, RP, RP, P, P, P, BN, BN, BN, BN, BN, BN, BN, DL, DL, NA

    Batters Stat Categories: Runs (R), Doubles (2B), Triples (3B), Home Runs (HR), Runs Batted In (RBI), Stolen Bases (SB), Batting Average (AVG), On-base + Slugging Percentage (OPS)

    Pitchers Stat Categories: Wins (W), Saves (SV), Strikeouts (K), Holds (HLD), Earned Run Average (ERA), (Walks + Hits)/ Innings Pitched (WHIP), Strikeouts per Walk Ratio (K/BB), Quality Starts (QS)

  28. Zeus says:
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    Grey asked you yesterday about Samardzjia and agreed he should be benched. Then he does that. F him. F him f him. Chin. Ahhahhahahha.

    I seriously hate that piece of shite.