“All year. All. Year. I’ve been starting Jeff Samardzija in one 15 team league. It’s an NFBC league so I couldn’t drop him (there’s no waivers). It’s not a great league to bench starters. I had options like Colby Lewis and Adam Warren. Not great options. But, finally, yesterday, I decided enough was enough. If I was going to lose, at least I would lose with Samardzija out of my lineup. So, Samardnuts goes out and throws a one-hitter (9 IP, o ER, 1 Hit, Zero Walks, 6 Ks).” That was how I concluded the story to the doctor when I first ended up in the mental asylum. Samardzija is actually easier to type while wearing a straitjacket. Coincidence? Immediately following the story, I cackled myself to sleep in a puddle of my own bodily fluids. I’m not even sure what fluid it was. I’m guessing urine, but you got me on specifics. As we know, earlier this year Oxford Dictionary replaced &@*^&*@%! that connotes a curse word with Samardzija, and I can think of nothing more fitting than screaming SAMARDZIJA! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Erik Johnson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks. This guy will be a great example next year why you shouldn’t draft pitching early. No, he won’t be Kershaw, but I bet he’ll go late and Johnson will be completely usable — that’s what she said, never.
Kyle Ryan – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. Ryan didn’t seem capable of throwing more than five innings prior to this. Then, after yesterday, his dad, Jack, yelled, “You have reserves in the tank!?”
John Lamb – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. He’s gonna deserve a long look in the offseason, and not in a weird Scottish man looking at Lamb way, but in a “This guy had a 10+ K/9 in the majors and 10+ K/9 in the minors in 2015” way.
Billy Hamilton – Will have shoulder surgery on Friday. Honestly, I thought he only had legs and feet. A shoulder? Well, if you say so.
Yadier Molina – Out with a slight tear in his thumb. His brother Bengie duct-taped a spork to Yadier’s hand, but Yadier explained that he was having problems catching, not eating.
Jaime Garcia – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Straight streamer at this point, and the Stream-o-Nator liked his start yesterday and likes his next start even more, so I’d definitely grab and/or hold.
Adam Wainwright – Cleared for activity and could return this season as a reliever. I’m not even joking when I say, knowing the Cardinals good fortune, Wainwright will come back and pitch 25 perfect relief innings in the playoffs.
Yasmany Tomas – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. In this game, Aaron Hill (2-for-5) also homered, his 6th. I mention these guys together, because if you told me they both retired a month ago, I would’ve believed you.
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 29th homer. Au Shizz!
Justin Turner – Underwent an MRI on his knee. Mattingly joked this weekend that Turner’s knee has bothered him for years. At least we think he was joking because a bunch of Dodgers fans were yelling at him, “You’re a clown!”
Adrian Gonzalez – 2-for-4 and his 28th homer. As someone who doesn’t own him, please don’t let him have one more hot streak in him where he hits five homers in four games.
Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. This game featured Yasmany and Yasmani going deep, which plural is Yes men, which sounds like Yasmine, and, as Seth Smith would say, Bleeth don’t look up a current picture of her.
Brett Anderson – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER. Okay, now in that one league where I streamed him, I only need 180 scoreless innings in the final two weeks. Nothing to it!
Greg Bird – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, and like his 12th homer in the last eight games. Bird’s in the zone like when he stole that Isiah inbounds pass. No, I don’t know basketball, but that highlight has been playing non-stop for the last 35 years. “Hey, we need a white guy NBA highlight…I got just the one!” That’s the NBA control room director. Speaking of which, JB’s doing straight butter with fantasy basketball, go check him out. As for Bird, I’ve been telling you to grab him for five days.
David Price – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks. The difference between your H2H playoffs and the real playoffs? In the real playoffs, the Blue Jays will likely try to throw Price on one day’s rest. In your H2H playoffs, I wouldn’t be surprised if Price only gets one more full start, then only goes a few innings in his last game.
Hanley Ramirez – Getting close to returning. Well, specifically, he’s getting close to returning for a game, then being day-to-day with another injury.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. I don’t usually use adjectives like gutsy and courageous, because, Brucely, it’s baseball, but Eduardo looked like vomit in the first inning, giving up three quick runs, and could’ve rolled over, but, dammit, if he wasn’t gutsy and courageous and other police officer/firemen adjectives.
Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 7th homer. Eat it, Bumgarner!
Brock Holt – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and hitting over .400 in the last week. Pedroia (3-for-4, 2 runs) came back and the entire Red Sox offense seemed to turn on their heartlight, like with Neil Diamond or ’94 Sega Hockey.
Robbie Ross – 1 IP, 1 ER and his 3rd straight day with a save. I’ll tell you what it’s like owning him. Ross is coming into the game. *holds breath* Ross gets the save. *exhales* When you own Ross, you should also get some scuba gear.
Chris Archer – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 3 Ks. If his control would’ve looked this wonky in April, I would’ve been worried. Now, I’m like, “Give me two more starts, doode!”
Brandon Guyer – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. That Guyer over there! He doesn’t play every day, but if you can platoon him, he might be a slight schmotato.
Carlos Correa – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer. Oh, he also has 12 steals. That’s in a little over half a season. Zoinks! 2nd rounder next year? Or do you just bite the bullet and reach for him in the first?
Evan Gattis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer. Guarantee you that this is someone next year in March, “Do you think Gattis catches enough games this year to get catcher eligibility?”
Dallas Keuchel – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks in 116 pitches. I get that the Astros want to win, but they had a pretty sizable lead (6-1). 116 pitches on a guy that is already 19 innings past his career high feels excessive. Not quite as excessive as Crazy Eyes’ Emmy speech, but excessive.
Tom Murphy – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd home run in as many home games. That home being Coors. So, do I like him? I don’t even really know him. His minor league numbers look okay, but whoever’s playing in Coors is a start.
Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. Who would be better in a full season of Coors: Aramis or Morneau? I’d go Aramis. I’d also say Aramis could hit 25 homers again as a Rockies player. Oh, man, I’m giving Walt Weiss ideas, aren’t I?
Starling Marte – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. You know what I like to call him? Starling Muah!
Jon Niese – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks. When I suggested the Mets go to a rotation of only Niese and Colon to save their other pitchers’ arms, you thought I was daffy like your Great Aunt Carla, but looks less daffy now, huh, pardner? If the Mets don’t listen to me and stick with Niese’s regular rotation spot, the Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like his next start, and I agree.
Michael Conforto – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. Absolutely could be a top 20 outfielder next year, but won’t be drafted like one. Do I hear sleeper? Well, yes, because I’m listening to a seashell I picked up from Jedd Gyorko’s backyard beach area.
Shelby Miller – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks. Junky WHIP, not great Ks, but, honestly, with how he’s looked recently, you got off easy if you started him.
Ryan Zimmerman – Has yet to swing a bat. Which means he’s exactly where he’s been for the last three years.
Jason Hammel – 5 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.79. Oh, c’mon, I’m calling bullshizz here. There’s no way his ERA is 3.79. He’s hot garbage that’s wedged between Billy Butler’s moobs. I demand an Al Gore recount!
Starlin Castro – 2-for-2, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Didn’t play the full game yesterday, and hasn’t been playing every day, which is bizzonkers because he’s about as hot as they come right now — three homers in the last ten games, hitting over .400 in the last week.
Ryan Braun – Out again yesterday due to a sore back. Braun acknowledged that he’s going to need back surgery in the offseason, and he likely won’t be playing much these final two weeks. The good news is his thumb won’t be hurting him again until his back is all better. Hmm, that’s not very good news. How about this good news: in the time Braun is out, undetectable steroids will have a few months to make advancements. There, that’s good news!
Adam Lind – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. Lind is the type to get crazy hot for stretches like that girl you ogle in yoga pants, and Lind is currently hitting over .400 in the last week.
Domingo Santana – 1-for-3, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal. Because, ya know, like a Spanish priest I love Domingo.
Jimmy Nelson – Was shut down after being hit by a liner. Sounds like Nelson was doing a spot-on iceberg impersonation.
Odubel Herrera – Was benched on Sunday for pouting. He also wasn’t able to go with the rest of the team for ice cream.