So That’s Why Jason Wore A Mask

All the time in Los Angeles I’ll see older women who have had way too much plastic surgery.  Trying to hold on to their youth.  It’s sad.  It’s a never-ending cycle too.  One older woman gets her face done, then her friends are pressured to do the same.  But never, and I mean never, have I seen someone get plastic surgery then try to rearrange someone else’s face.  Yesterday, was the first time I’ve seen it as past nose job recipient (Niese) tried to fix up Jason Heyward‘s schnoz.   Jon Niese is a danger to himself and others.  What if your proboscis is walking along the street and you run into Niese?  If he doesn’t feel it’s worthy of his new nasal perfection, he will punch you in the face.  God forbid he ever runs into Barbara Streisand.  Heyward ducked at the last second and took the brunt of the pitch off the ear flap and jaw, but he’s still gonna be out for the better part of the season, maybe returning for the last week to tune up for the playoffs.  Not your H2H playoffs, the Braves playoffs.  In his stead, B.J. Upton, Jordan Schafer and Evan Gattis.  Because they’ll all be sharing time, it’s hard to say there’s one guy that gets a boost in value.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jon Niese – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks.   I’m sure everyone is scared to face Niese now.  Literally!  Niese has been solid in two of his three starts since returning from the DL.  I still don’t trust him, but the Stream-o-Nator likes him in his next start vs. the Phils, and I could see using him there.

Josh Satin – 2-for-4 with a homer.  Satin is the other half of the Mets 1st base platoon, and the one that is glossy on front and dull on the back.

Daniel Murphy – 2-for-4 with his 16th steal and has 10 homers to go with that.  With much consternation (no idea what that means), I’ll admit Daniel Murphy has been a more than solid option all year.  I’m glad Rudy drafted him in our leagues for middle infield (not glad it was at the expense of Segura).

Justin Upton – Sat out again, but the Braves said it’s no big deal.  I’d tend to agree if it wasn’t a month that started with an A.  This is go-time for Upton!

Chris Johnson – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer.  It’s like a super heavyweight fight for the batting title!  Okay, maybe like a super featherweight fight…. Okay, it’s a fight between two people in motorized scooters in Wal-Mart trying to get to the Pop Tarts.  But a fight nevertheless!

Alex Wood – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.50.  Not sure what’s scarier, the fact that Wood is doing better than what he did in the minors, or the fact that in the minors he had a 9+ K-rate and a 1.80 ERA, so it’s not like he was bad.  He’s cut his walks in the majors, and has been overpowering, to say the least.  Okay, to say the least would be saying nothing, but you catch the drift.  His xFIP is 2.81 so it’s not like it’s smoke and mirrors, and I’d be thrilled with owning Wood in every single league.

Andrelton Simmons – 3-for-4 with a run.  What do you think he’s batting?  Nope, lower.  Nah, lower still.  No, not .118, c’mon, is that a real guess?  He’s batting .246.  That’s surprising, isn’t it?  Maybe he had his alien friends brainwash me to think he was doing better.  Stupid aliens!

Brandon McCarthy – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 5.44.  He’s just lucky he doesn’t have a Nazi surname or he’d be shipped out of town so quickly.

Brad Ziegler – 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Kazaam!

Adam Eaton – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer in the last eight days, which is a week in Liverpool.  If I called Eaton a hot schmotato, it would be more because I want him to be one.  I don’t think he’s quite there yet, but I’m watching him like a cyclops with a monocle.

Gerardo Parra – 2-for-5 with his 9th homer.  He also feels like he’s on the precipice of getting hot.  Look at Grey and his fifty cent words!

Shin-Soo Choo – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs.  Let me guess, it was against a weak righty?  Shin-Soo Predictable.

Ian Kennedy – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Where was this start last time out?!  Eh, as my childhood Polish neighbor would say, what can do?  I’d continue to start Kennedy every time out in Petco and not touch him in road games.  Around these parts, they call that a Hodgepadre.

Dayan Viciedo – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer in the last four days.  Hot schmotato alert!  Grab him right now for his hot streak that usually lasts about a week to ten days.

Andre Rienzo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Solid start–Whatevs, he gets the Astros next and I’ve already set my iCal to pick him up in five days.  Right, Siri? “Yes, Grey, I found five locations in your area that sell Ronzoni pasta.”

Anthony Rizzo – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers (19, 20).  I know he’s been less than ideal, but I’m gonna love him again next year.  He catches a good couple of months and a 35-homer, .260 season is very possible.   What can I say, chicks and Grey dig the long ball.

Junior Lake – 2-for-5, 1 run, and getting smoking hot again.  Run to the waiver wire and grab him, and that I’d call Junior sprints.

Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI.  Now, this schmohawk, I’m done with him.  When I’m praying for 25 homers from a 3rd baseman and they come up ten short of that.  Zimmerman, we had some good times, a whole lot of bad times, and lose my number.  You suck.

Matt Moore – Tossed a 69-pitch session yesterday.  Hmm, interesting number to stop on.  Do we know for sure what he was tossing?

Jeremy Hellickson – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER as his ERA goes up to 5.01.  If you were to get someone from another planet, let’s say one of Andrelton’s cousins, and you were to show them only comments made on this site about Hellickson, they would be totally lost unless you explained to them everything about fantasy baseball, but if you were to do that too, they’d think Hellickson was a solid starter.  “Grey, your mustache makes my heart skip a beat, but who do you like out of these guys:  Wheeler, Salazar or Hellickson?”  What’s the fascination with Hellickson?  For serious.

Justin Masterson – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.50.  Some people yesterday were guessing who was going to be next year’s Scherzer.  Masterson won’t be that good on Ks, but he will be someone I’ll look to for all my teams.  His K-rate is great and his xFIP is 3.31.  That’s the makings of a strong number two.

Victor Martinez – 2-for-4, 1 RBI.  Could be used this weekend as a catcher.  It’s just contingent on whether or not major league baseball will let him use a folding chair.

Miguel Cabrera – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs.  Rumors went out yesterday that he might miss this game due to wincing after he swung at a pitch the previous night.  He might’ve just winced when hearing Prince say, “Have I told you how long meat sits in your colon?”  Leave us alone, vegetarians!

Austin Jackson – 3-for-5, 2 runs.  He has six steals on the year.  He’s got lightning quick speed, but he doesn’t ever run.  There should be a glossary term for guys like this.  They’re fast, but they just don’t run.  Please make suggestions in the comments.  Thanks!

Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer and 3rd in the last 5 games.  It’s a tall order, but I wouldn’t be shocked if he ends the year with 27 to 30 homers.  When he gets in a groove, 12 homers in a month isn’t out of the question.  At least that’s what my Trapper Keeper says under Giancarlo’s name, which is in a heart.

Nate Eovaldi – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Not a bad start, but he goes on the road for his next start (vs. the Nats), and Captain EOvaldi isn’t recommended outside of Florida.

Zack Greinke – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, as his ERA drops to 2.91.  I picture Greinke as John C. Reily in Boogie Nights in the recording studio and Carlos Quentin runs in and Greinke starts screaming, “The magic that is on the mound.  That heart and soul that I put onto the mound, that is mine and you don’t own that!”

Jason Castro – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 15th homer.  You ever feel like this, you have a player sucking so bad (Salvador Perez) that anything you get from his replacement feels like a grand slam in the ninth inning to win the World Series.  Castro, you make me euphoric.

R.A. Dickey – 8 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks as he returned to the other borough in New York.  He was pitching well, but a late homer by none other than the Zombino, Alfonso Soriano, knocked some of the shine off Dickey.  Might be for the best, a shiny Dickey just raises questions.

Tommy Hunter – 1 IP, 0 ER, 0 baserunners and got the save.  There’s a new closer for the O’s, a letter that also matches his body shape, so it works for me.  Baltimore is going to say all the right things about Jim Johnson:  he just needs some time to get his head right, he just needs some rest, he just needs to stop giving up so many effin’ baserunners.  K-Rod’s been battling his own personal demons, so Hunter is the man to grab.  Using two hands is probably best.

Chris Davis – 1-for-3, 2 runs and the slam (499) and legs (1), which makes him the first player to have a combined 500 between homers and steals in a season.

Adam Jones – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (26) and legs (12).  Hotdam Jones!

Rafael Betancourt – 1/3 IP, 2 ER for the ugly blown save.  If they weren’t in Philly for the walk-off win, Betancourt could still be out there trying to get out Erik Kratz.  Can I take back what I said yesterday about not being my Brothers keeper?  Sure, I can.  I’ll just go edit that post.  Okay, back!  I think Betancourt gets more rope than one blown save, but Brothers was capable and could slide back in there with another blown save or two.  Worth stashing him if you’re desperate.

Wilin Rosario – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer and 2nd homer in as many days.  We should have a new t-shirt (in addition to our other shirts) that reads, “Rosario hits homers, while Salvador Perez counts rosaries.”

Hisashi Iwakuma – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA is at 2.98.  Hisashi my dashi — slurp– Actually, this wasn’t that slurp-worthy of a start.  This was like when you’re going to town on a bowl of pho and you get a spoon full of jalapenos and cilantro.  It’s okay, but you’re better off spitting that back in the broth.  Those are for flavoring.  I’m classy!

Brad Miller – 1-for-5 and his 5th homer.  Is it weird that I’m excited about having two Mariner infielders on my teams for next year?  Can they move the fences in again at Safeco this offseason?  You know, to be safe, uh, co.

Mike Morse – 2-for-4 with his 13th homer, which broke an 0-for-16 stretch.  Member when you dropped Domonic Brown for Mike Morse in April?  Oops!

Brandon Moss – 1-for-3 and his 20th homer, his 2nd homer in as many games started (3 games total).  Pretty amazing how hot he can stay while being platooned.  Sure, not amazing like the Asian man with 4-foot long fingernails that curl around, but amazing still.

Roy Halladay – Will make his next start at AA.  In attendance will be Miguel Cabrera, Yovani Gallardo and Dr. Drew.

Xander Bogaerts – 0-for-1.  I get it; the minor league season is ending soon so it’s not like Bogaerts would be playing for much longer there anyway, but the benching of him yesterday vs. a lefty is unconscionable, if that means what I think it does and not an adjective to describe someone in a coma.  To add insult to injury, Middlebrooks (1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) and Drew (1-for-5, 3 RBIs) both homered.  I’d drop Bogaerts in redraft leagues, no reason to wait longer if he’s being benched vs. Baked Zito.

Felix Doubront – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  His previous two starts weren’t good vs. the Yanks and Royals and he gets the O’s next, which isn’t great for Doubront, the creator of The Walking Dead and The Green Mile.

Jacoby Ellsbury – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 46th steal.  Can I already not draft him for next year?  Actually, I can since I’m not drafting for 2014 for another six months.  Next year, I’ll be drafting as a married man!  Ugh, I just got violent sweats and pooped my pants.  That’s natural, right?

Edward Mujica – Got the save yesterday, but is nursing shoulder soreness.  <sarcasm>Well, that sounds terrific.</sarcasm>  In any self-respecting league, Rosenthal is already owned, but if he’s not, I’d make your league a little more self-respecting and grab him.

Jake Westbrook – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER.  The Cardinals boos heard yesterday were from the fans, because The Ghost of Dave Duncan took off his sheet with eye holes and has left the building.

Allen Craig – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer.  The Cardinal players are gonna be a landmine in next year’s drafts if they don’t continue to stack their stat sheets with counting stats.  When looking at just their power and speed, none jump out, but just about all of them have been valuable.  This was brought to you by Boring But True.

Carlos Beltran – 2 hits, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer.  Deuces are wild!  Which is different than the Scott Disick hosted show, Douches Are Wild on E!

Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer.  That’s his 2nd homer in the last three games and, I’d be (Ar)amiss, if I didn’t say it looks like there’s some light at the end of his career, er, tunnel.

Khris Davis – 3-for-4, 1 run.  Has continued to hit since I highlighted him the other day, as he’s hitting over .400 in the last week.  Grab him; he’s right next to Rolph Lauren’s Rolo and Versucci on the shady guy’s table on Canal Street.

Logan Schafer – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer; the Hitter-Tron loved this one, too.  I almost picked him up for the batty call, but I held onto Daniel Nava instead (he’s hitting .500+ over the last week).  Of course, Nava didn’t play.  So Schafer was the one outfielder to have when you’re having more than one.

Tom Gorzelanny – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Fun fact!  The woman that watches his kids calls herself the Gorzenanny.