Holy shizzballs. That’s not the Urban Dictionary definition of shizzballs either, which is when you shizz your grapes. That’s shizzballs as in this is the greatest display of sexiness since a young Kim Cattrall was featured in a window display. Brian Dozier is doing more for the long ball than any old man with shizzballs could ever imagine. That’s back to the original definition of shizzballs. Right now, Dozier is the exact perfect moment when your 12-year-old self pressed the buttons perfectly together on the old cable box and unscrambled Playboy TV at its best, with a perfectly scrolled, snowy version of Naughty Candid Camera. Trying to cover, when being caught, “It’s Allen Funt, mom. Uh…Maybe that’s not an F on the front of his last name.” Yesterday, Brian Dozier hit three more homers — 3-for-5, 4 RBIs, hitting .279 — and now has 38 homers on the year, and is easily leading the entire majors for homers in the 2nd half with 24 homers. For 2017, he’s going to be tough to peg, due to his inflated HR/FB% and falling line drive rate, but he doesn’t look much worse than a 25 HR/15 SB guy, which still has value. For this year, obviously you ride the lightning. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jose Berrios – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 9.21, as he was recalled from the minors. Berrios has been Berrios, Berrios bad to me.
Byron Buxton – 1-for-3, 1 run, and has done nothing but hit since he was recalled. You think I’m crazy for Buxton right now, wait until next year.
Eric Hosmer – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .273. He’s only 26 years old, so I haven’t given up on him yet for his career, but I have to say the promise of him is much greater than he’s been. Sorta like the promise when you hear Brooks Pounder is coming for dinner, and it turns out that a mediocre Royals’ reliever is looking to get fed.
Kendrys Morales – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer, three homers in the last week while hitting around .325. Kendrys up at some point, but right now Kenwets! High-five me right now! C’mon, don’t leave me hanging like Michael Hutchence.
Jarrod Dyson – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 26th steal. If you lost Hamilton, missed out on Peraza and are still alive (in your league and real life), I’d grab Dyson for SAGNOF.
Chris Carter – 1-for-3 and his 33rd homer. I think if you watched his home run yesterday in the 2nd inning, you get an idea of his power. He was out in front of the pitch, looked like he popped it up, and the ball traveled 475 feet*. *Estimated, no one has that many feet to measure it.
Zach Davies – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.01. And the last time he faced the Cubs, he gave up seven earned in four innings. Granted, that was in Wrigley, and he’s been better at home, but his next start is in St. Louis, so *opens window, throws home ERA out* there goes that.
Kyle Hendricks – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.07. Hard to find fault with his season. But let’s try! He never goes deep into games. I mean, ever. I wonder what’s the fewest number of Quality Starts for a starter with a 2.50 ERA and lower (or 2.07 and lower). I have to think Hendricks is in the top five, if not top two. (Yeah, I could figure it out myself, but can’t you people help a little. Yeah, you people!)
Billy Hamilton – Didn’t play yesterday, will be reevaluated in a week, and might not play the rest of the season. I was hoping for some clarity on this oblique situation, but stupid irony and all.
Jose Peraza – 2-for-4, hitting .340. You know what the sidelining of Hamilton means? Yup, Peraza not only played, but hit leadoff.
Robert Stephenson – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.12. I strongly considered streaming Stephenson yetserday. I’m glad I talked myself out of it. I can be very persuasive. Though, I guess, I’m not that persuasive or I would’ve talked myself back into it. But then out of it again. And back into it. And out. And in! Out!
Bartolo Colon – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.22. He faced Robert Stephenson, who sounds like Robert Louis Stevenson, who wrote Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde, which is what I call my colon before and after chili, which is what Cincy is famous for. These are the kind of connections you can’t make up.
Wilmer Flores – 3-for-4, hitting .269 and hit 3rd yesterday with Yoenis and Asdrubal and Granderson and the whole Mets’ lineup being rested. Mets hitters had Labor Day off. Mail carriers had Labor Day off. Mets hitters are mail carriers.
Jedd Gyorko – 2-for-5 and his 26th homer. Has the 2nd most homers post-All-Star break, and has officially moved into a position where he can potentially be drafted by me again next year and disappoint the crap out of me. Lowercase yay!
Matt Adams – 2-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Piscotty got on base, and Adams picked him up. Granted, Adams thought he was picking up a very large biscotti.
Stephen Piscotty – Left the game with a possible wrist injury after being hit by a pitch, but x-rays were negative. After the game, he said, “I also left to avoid Adams from nibbling on me further.”
Raul Alcantara – 3 IP, 5 ER. No lie, I momentarily saw the box score and thought Arismendy Alcantara had become a herbathrowdite. As for what’s eating Raul, there’s talk about how exciting of a floor he has due to solid control, but he had a 4.80 ERA in Double-A this year, and I’m not interested this year.
Danny Valencia – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Notice how since his fight with Butler, Butler has all but disappeared from the A’s. Not easy to get a 400-pound bowl of Jell-o to disappear either.
Khris Davis -1-for-3, 2 runs, and his 35th homer. I mention this on the podcast that’s coming later today, but — SPOILER ALERT! — Davis has the third most homers in the 2nd half of the season.
Matt Shoemaker – Hit the DL with a small skull fracture. This means he has a normal-sized head with a small fracture or a fractured dwarf head.
Kole Calhoun – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 16th homer, and two homers on Saturday. About time Kole heated up, said his fantasy owners and an Amish man banging on his stove.
Andrew Bailey – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 2nd save in as many games. The Sciosciapath made Bailey his closer, because it makes too much sense to try out guys with less experience to see if they can handle it and potentially be cheap closers next year. Nope, instead Sciosciapath is putting in a guy that is about five years past his sell-by date.
C.J. Cron – 2-for-5, 1 run, hitting around .400 in the last week with four homers. Hot schmotato alert!
Trea Turner – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .343. Roll over and never play dead, you little Treat Urner.
Ender Inciarte – 2-for-5, 1 run, hitting .368 in the 2nd half, which is 3rd best in the majors. Yup.
R.A. Dickey – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.60. I wonder who JayWrong, our chief fantasy football hombre, was rooting for when his one love, Dickey, faced off with his other love, Headley. I know which way I’d lean with that matchup.
Jacoby Ellsbury – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. It would be nice if he came out and said, “Yes, I was on PEDs that one crazy year I hit all of those homers. I got them from Joe Mauer.” Or came out and said whatever. We don’t judge. Speaking of Judge, what happened to that young brother?
Alex Bregman – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. I want some of this on my face! Or my fantasy team. Whatever happens in my Vegas money league, stays in my Vegas money league.
Mike Napoli – 1-for-3 and his 30th homer. Hey, look who joined us in the 2nd half! *sees Napoli hit .303 with five homers in August* Oh, well, I don’t own him.
Zack Greinke – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA up to 4.54. Five over-the-internet dollars says the next time an ace signs or is traded to Arizona most won’t remember Greinke’s year. Okay, so judging how many is ‘most’ is a tough bet to enforce.
Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-4 and his 24th homer. Also, homering in this game, to numerous to mention. Kidding: Justin Turner (1-for-4, 25th homer); Joc Pederson (1-for-3, 20th homer); Corey Seager (3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, 24th homer) and Adrian Gonzalez (1-for-4, 2 RBIs, 17th homer).
Kenta Maeda – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.29. Bit of a cruise to the Ivictory Coast, getting the W on Amex points, but you’ll take it.
Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.28. I’ll be the first to admit I was too slow recognizing that Verlander returned to being a top ten starter this year. Sue me, which is a figure of speech that means I have nothing worth suing for.
Miguel Cabrera – 4-for-5 and two homers (30, 31). Miggy eat your meatballs, which is what he mumbles to himself as he swings. Bit of trivia for you.
Justin Upton – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .239. From June 17th thru June 20th, July 7th thru July 18th, August 21st thru 29th and September 2nd thru 4th, there’s no one better!
Chris Sale – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.07. Verlander or Sale this year? Trick question, they’re basically identical.
Cole Hamels – 1 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.25 vs. Felix Hernandez – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.75. “I’m so thankful for my family staying by my side while I was in that five-month coma. The shock of being able to draft Hamels and Felix on the same fantasy team was so great, I jumped for joy, and hit my head on the ceiling fan. Teach me to stand on a chair when jumping. So, how is that fantasy team doing on this great Labor Day? Hello? Guys and five female family members?”
Rougned Odor – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 30th homer. He has 30 homers. He is 22 years old. Seriously. Take a moment. Think about that.
Nomar Mazara – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, and his 2nd homer in three games. I know he was dropped in my leagues, but he might be heating up and worth adding again. Schmotato? P to the erhaps.
Robinson Cano – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 32nd homer. Some older players have a resurgence one last time, then fall into an abyss. I don’t think Cano’s one of those.
Franklin Gutierrez – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. The Big FraGu hangs with the LLAMAS, so be careful before you decide to get get get get drunk on those little baby humps.
Drew Pomeranz – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks as he was beat by Edwin Jackson 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks in Petco. “…And that children is why you can’t ever go home again.” *child raises hand* “Are we being kidnapped?” “No, don’t hit Amber Alert on your iPhone! This is a fable!”
Chad Bettis – 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.88. If you are a gambling addict that happened to be on the phone with your bookie, unsure what to gamble on, when he said, “Yeah, and your bet is…” Then congrats, quit while you’re ahead.
Freddy Galvis – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Freddy got dinger’d!
Jerad Eickhoff – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.86. Not bad considering the baggage he carries around with the nickname, Jer-khoff. That can’t be easy. He should go to the church meetings organized by Richard Whitehead.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 9 IP, 3 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.19. All three of the runs came in the first inning, so if you streamed Ubaldo, you likely threw your computer away only to have to fetch it when you realized he settled down and threw a gem. There should be a glossary term for this. When a pitcher gives up a few 1st inning runs, then settles down and throws a gem. Sorta like a Ticker Shock or box scare, but not exactly. Please suggest in the comments.
Chris Davis – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 34th homer. If he gets to 40 homers, it will be the quietest 40-homer season since Ben Oglivie in 1980, who took a vow of silence until Gorman Thomas rolled down a window after excreting gas.
Evan Longoria – Left yesterday’s game after taking a pitch off his hand. C’mon, man, my fantasy team named, “Laura Branigan’s Longoria,” needs you!
Logan Morrison – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. If you went with a solely classic rock fantasy team this year (Hendricks, Morrison), you needed to extend your definition of classic rock to fill your roster. “Let’s see, there’s some Souza played in Under Pressure. The Brad Miller Band, right? Um, oh, I know, Rich Hill, because he has a Badfinger.”