Hold onto your Taco Bell-made Doritos hat because yesterday Eric Hosmer hit a homer.  Sung like J.J. Fad, “The S is for super, the Homer is for about freakin’ time!”  More of an 80’s rock kid?  Hosmer’s been Poison so far this year, but look what the cat dragged in!   Prefer the punk scene?  After Billy Butler goes to the bathroom, they say the john’s rotten.  Okay, that had nothing to do with Hosmer, but I’m a man of the people and the people in my head demanded a punk reference.  The Royals power has been so bad this year, Lorde released a remix titled, “Blue Jays.”  At the forefront of the Royals abomination has been Hosmer.  Entering today he had two homers.  Who do you think you are, Robinson Cano?  His homers per fly ball is abysmal, but his ground ball to fly ball ratio is about the same as previous years, his line drive percentage is fine, his at-bats per homer was around 30 for every year, except this year where it’s at 129.  The only true red flag in his numbers is he’s hitting a ton of infield flies.  I think that might’ve been him pressing due to the homer drought and now that cloud of doom can lift.  I don’t think he’s suddenly going to jack 30 homers and start walking around in a crown like Jerry “The King” Lawler, but I also don’t think Hosmer will stay this terrible forever.   Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Moustakas – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer.  When your fantasy frenemies demand the very best opposite advice, tell them Mostsuckass just hit a homer and they should pick him up.  An 0-for-56 clip is always right around the corner.

Alex Gordon – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer.  Come back, Lorde, the Blue Jays were just shutout by Jaime Garcia!

Jason Vargas – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Snooze, burp, fart, snore, he’s not this good.  Rinse, repeat.  Snooze, burp, fart, snore, he’s not this good.  Rinse– Sorry, I was writing that in a cave and there was a bad echo.

Manny Machado – 0-for-4, hitting .222.  Suspended for five games for purposely throwing a bat at the A’s players, but the O’s said Machado could be demoted to the minors anyway because he can’t even hit a person with his bat let alone the ball.

Dylan Bundy – After Tommy John surgery, Bundy has been out for the five count.  Now he will make his first rehab start on Sunday.  Some have speculated he could be available by midseason, but I’d put him closer to mid to late-August.  Wouldn’t surprise me to not see him in any real capacity this year with the O’s.  I got the wet blanket blues!

Chris Tillman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Ah, the ol’ rope-a-dope.  Originally patented by Ali and then used with great success by the Neo-Nazis in Oz.  Is it me or does seeing the Aryan Nation psycho from Oz on a Farmers insurance commercial freak you out just a little?  I keep reading between the lines, “Make sure your family is covered in case you end up my b*tch in prison.”

Brandon Workman – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Very solid start.  Or was it?!?!  No, of course it was, look at the line.  His ERA is now down to 2.86, but it’s being supported by an insane BABIP that will lead to regression.  His strikeouts are nothing great and his walks are fairly pedestrian, but I can’t give you the green light.  Pun point!

Brock Holt – 2-for-5, 1 run, hitting over .350 in the last week.  It’s weird how the blood relations of Sam Horn get googly-moogly about a guy like Jackie Bradley Jr. because he had multiple walks in a game( THREE!), but Brock Holt hasn’t stopped hitting since he was called on and I don’t hear a peep, and I’m writing this in a chicken coop in Saugus, Mass!

Matt Adams – Played in a rehab game and is expected to return on Friday.  I think the Cards are going to shock the world and send Taveras down when Adams returns.  We shall see.  Or not.  Your choice.

Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA down to 2.15, which was my college GPA.  I’m a genius!  Though I did need spell check for genius.  Both times.

Matt Holliday – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer as he returned from his sore back.  Fun Fact!  Every time he walks into a hotel, as soon as he passes the front doors, he says, “Hotel, motel, Holliday in!”

Kevin Kiermaier – 2-for-5, hitting near-.400 in the last week and Maddon seems totally content playing him every day.  Kiermaier never showed much in the minors, except some slight speed, but a hot schmotato is a hot schmotato is a hot schmotato.

Joel Peralta – 2/3 IP, 0 ER in the 8th inning of a losing game for the Rays.  This dampers the Peralta SAGNOF train a tad, but it might not mean anything.  Maddon could go to Peralta for the next save or McGee or Oviedo or even Balfour.  It’s still an evolving mess that we like to call, a closerousel.

Jake Odorizzi – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  This follows a 5 IP, 4 ER start and a 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER start.  So his next start will be a drubbing or a drubbing, depending on whether drubbing is good or bad.  I don’t feel like Googling.

George Springer – Sat out again yesterday.  The Astros should really refund tickets.

Jon Singleton – 3-for-4, 1 run.  Save dem singles for the strip club, you hear me, homey?  *raises hand for high five, left hanging*

Brad Peacock – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (3 BBs), 4 Ks.  Don’t fall for that plumage.

Bronson Arroyo – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, lowering his ERA to 4.22 and raising the likelihood of him singing Pearl Jam in the showers to 5 to 1.

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd slam & legs in three games.  Au Shizz!

Addison Reed – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks and his 16th save.  Guess his arm has woken from its nap.  Ziegler will have to go back to sounding like a Nazi war criminal on waivers.

Alex Wood – Sent to the minors to stretch out.  Wood…stretched out…  I’ll let you imagine how excited I am for him to return as a starter.

Justin Upton – Left yesterday’s game with a strained hammy.  The Braves are saying he’s day-to-day.  Collectively.  All at once.  Like a day-to-day tabernacle choir.

Mike Minor – 4 IP, 8 ER.  Think I’ve officially got cold feet about starting Teheran in Coors.  Seriously, what’s the best we get?  7 IP, 3 ER and a win?  The worst is so much worse than that, isn’t it?

Andrelton Simmons – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer.  Instead of a mile high altitude, Simmons thinks of Coors as 100,000,000 miles below Planet Yoberth.

Freddie Freeman – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer.  I always talk this nonsense about allowing steroids again.  That’s utter poppycock!  Never will happen.  I have the solution.  Put every stadium on mile high stilts.

Evan Gattis – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer.  Imagine if he played every day.  He’d be on pace for 40 homers and 120 RBIs.  Seriously.

Carlos Gonzalez – Had successful exploratory finger surgery.  He’s hoping to return by July.  Oh, and I hear from men over forty that if a doctor suggests exploratory finger surgery, it’s best if it’s not a proctologist.    Great info, old doodes!

Michael Cuddyer – Out 6-8 weeks with a fractured shoulder.  Too bad the Rockies don’t have a sealed room to keep their players fresh.  Like a giant, I don’t know, humidor.

Tyler Matzek – Will start for the Rockies today and my Hope It’s Not The Mexican Talking Gut Call Of The Day goes to Matzek striking out ten Braves.

Wilin Rosario – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Wow, that was overdue.  With all the Rockies hitting so well around him, Wilin was like the one guy who is depressed in the corner of a raging party.  Forget your girl, doode, and start hitting!

Josh Rutledge – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI.  With Arenado and CarGo and Cuddyer out, Rutledge would seemingly play.  Oh, and he’s hitting .350 on the year.  I don’t trust Walt Weiss at all to leave Rutledge in the lineup, but I’d take a flyer to see if he does.

Corey Dickerson – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 4th steal, hitting .333.  Ditto what I said for Rutledge.  Damn, I should’ve just stayed in the cave with the echo.

Hector Santiago – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, lowering his ERA to 4.15.  The Stream-o-Nator doesn’t love his next start (though it likes it a bit more than last night’s, for what it’s Werth).  I wouldn’t mess with him in most leagues, just not worth the ulcer.

Drew Pomeranz – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, lowering his ERA to 1.90.  Guess I should’ve picked him up in April.  *puts handkerchief to forehead, faints*

Taijuan Walker – The M’s activated him and sent him to the minors because….They don’t want us holding him in our DL spot anymore?  Dubya tee eff, guys, are you purposely trying to mess with my fantasy teams?  My guess is in his Sunday start, Erasmo will look as appealing as turkey burgers on date night  — what were you thinking pageant girl of Next Food Network Star? — and Walker will replace him in the rotation afterwards.

Hisashi Iwakuma – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His ERA is at 2.79, which is Boras-lish for, “How many Japanese pitchers can I bring over to the U.S.?”

Madison Bumgarner – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA is at 2.67, but was out-pitched by Doug Fister (7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks).  Not the first time a Fister has gotten the best of a Bum.

Anthony Rendon – 2-for-4 as he returned to the lineup after dealing with a sore hand.  I’m hoping it doesn’t affect him going forward (I’m not hoping) because I own him everywhere (nowhere).  Fingers crossed (they’re not crossed).

Wilson Ramos – Left yesterday’s game with a tight hamstring.  Well, it had been almost two weeks since his last injury, so dur.  Overdue!

Marco Estrada – 6 IP, 6 ER vs. the Mess.  Sometimes I like to look at only half of the box score and try to guess who got hits.  Yesterday, I looked at Estrada and couldn’t figure out who on the Mets actually hit him.  Turned out it was Teagarden, hitting a grand slam.  It’s like yesterday’s game was a piece of Friday Night Lights fan fiction coming to life.  As for Estrada, his ERA is up to 4.56 and, while that’s good for counting, it’s not good for fantasy and I would look elsewhere in most mixed leagues.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.95.  That’s nice, I wouldn’t roll out the Dice-K for fear of yelling craps.  Stream-o-Nator agrees with me too, so *raspberries lips*.

Brad Snyder – 1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI as he took over at first base for the Rangers.  The Rangers now have four ex-Cub players on their team (Snyder, Murphy, Cotts, Baker).  This sounds like the opposite of a good idea.  I don’t imagine Joe Buck saying in October, “This team really rode all of these ex-Cubs to the World Series.”  Snyder is intriguing in AL-Only leagues (where Rudy already added him for our team that is battling for first on the back of Mark Buehrle — yeah, you imagined I would’ve said that in March).  Snyder had 18 homers in Triple-A in only 61 games — oh my God!!! — oh, he’s 32 years old.  That’s like when the kid with a mustache shows a note from his mom that says he’s really eleven years old and gets to compete in the T-Ball Championship.  Snyder’s a Quad-A player that can hit for power and strikeout a lot while holding a pack of cigarettes in his white t-shirt sleeve.

Tom Koehler – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Tough matchup vs. the Ghosts of the Rangers Past, Future and Present.  Is it too much to pitch around Beltre and Rios?  What a schmohawk!

Christian Yelich – 4-for-6, 1 run, 4 RBIs.  That means someone is going to be allowed to stay up to eleven o’clock on a weeknight!

Justin Bour – 3-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .455.  I have it on good authority this is Bourjos in disguise.  Someone needs to yell Peter to see if he looks.

Casey McGehee – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .306 on the year.  A year of selling his once-used underwear door-to-door in Japan really paid off!

Mat Latos – Cleared to join the rotation on Saturday, which is Cingrani’s scheduled start.  Don’t think you need your wristwatch calculator to put two and two together.

Joey Votto – 1-for-3 as he was activated from the DL.  Bill in ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “What would you like to text Jim?”  Hmm, I think Bill might be using Siri to do his job.

Mike Leake – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  The Regression Fairies love Pride Weekend but hate the traffic, they have a fondue pot that they’ve been meaning to use for ages, and they will rip your heart out.

Carl Crawford – Voiced his frustration with the Dodgers over how the outfield has been handled.  I agree with Crawford and all, but is he even healthy?  Did he lose a bet with Kemp that Crawford was the one to say something?  Carl’s like the kid in grade school who asks the teacher if there won’t be any homework, which in turn reminds the teacher to assign homework.  In fact, that kid’s name is Carl.  Don’t name your kid Carl!

Josh Beckett – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.35.  It’s gonna be so much fun when Tim Hudson, the All-Star Game starter, makes way for Beckett in the third inning.  Fun for grandparents, that is.

Justin Turner – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI.  I’ve had him for about five days on my team and he’s hitting .421, and I’ve been benching Zimmerman for him.  I hope you’re happy that I jinxed my team to tell you that.

Mike Adams – Shut down for 10 days for a fraying shoulder labrum.  If ten days of rest doesn’t fix a 35-year-old pitcher’s shoulder, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.  In related news, I think I’ll get my nephew some bananas for his birthday.

Cliff Lee – Close to picking up the ball.  What’s he got, a problem with his knees now?  Bend down!

Marlon Byrd – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer.  If only Tehol listened to Varys’s little Byrds.

Ben Revere – 2-for-4, 1 run.  Still hitting, but you knew that since you grabbed him two weeks ago when I first started talking about him.  You didn’t?  Oh, shucks.

A.J. Burnett – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, lowering his ERA to 4.24 after it peaked at 4.41.  Lucky he didn’t get a tattoo of 4.41.  That would’ve been embarrassing!

Ian Kennedy – 7 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Someone should get the Meerkat Manor narrator to describe an away start by a Hodgepadre.  “He takes the dirt hill in unfamiliar surroundings.  The fences look close to him.  He’s a caged animal ready to fight, but he’s left his fight back in a small city outside of Tijuana.”

Will Venable – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer.  Crazy how terrible he’s been this year, but I do think he’s capable of better.  Then again, Billy Dee Williams drunk on Colt 45 would be capable of better.  In deeper leagues, I could see adding Venable, hoping he comes out of his two-plus month funk.

Jose VerasCubs released him.  He made $4 million this year for an 8.10 ERA in 13 1/3 IP.  Maybe you shouldn’t discourage your kids from playing baseball.

Junior Lake – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th steal.  I feel like I always talk about him, but he’s only hitting .172 in the last week prior to last night.  So, water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink or Lake’s got me hosed?

Anthony Rizzo – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer.  HR to the Rizzo!

Francisco Liriano – Left yesterday’s start with an oblique injury.  He looked uncomfortable after throwing a pitch.  His fantasy owners can sympathize with that.

Gregory Polanco – 1-for-5, 1 run with a single.  But it was the most glorious single in the history of modern baseball.  In 1892, Youngman D’louseville got a hit that was slightly prettier, but he was wearing a beret, so it’s not a totally fair comparison.

Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer and 2nd in as many games.  I like hot.  Get hot.  Thank you.

J.A. Happ – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Live by the stream, die by the stream.  I.e., Happ happens.

Kevin Correia – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 Ks vs. the suddenly lifeless Blue Jays.  This game was in Toronto too, so how did Correia even get into the country?  He’s got WMDs!  Or is that the other Correia, I always forget.

Danny Santana – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI.  I can tell you again to pick him up or I can tell you that I’ve told you to pick him up every day for the last four days.  Which do you prefer?

Brain Dozier – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (14) & legs (14).  Somebody’s got the sexiest kind of OCD!  That’s better than the porn movie, As Good As It Sweats, starring Jackoff Nicholson and Helen *unt.