(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH OR $13/MONTH WITH AN EXTRA WEEKLY PODCAST.)
You ever think there’s forces larger than ourselves at work? For instance, Taco Bell removes the Mexican Pizza from its menu, but then you’re sitting in traffic, eating nachos off the passenger seat. *screech* You slam on the brakes, and, suddenly, the nachos slide off and crash onto the ground. You frantically pull onto the shoulder, and, as you’re eating the nachos off the floormat, you realize the fall to the ground makes those nachos look like that badly-missed Mexican Pizza. Life gives you what you need. A baseball example: The White Sox were supposed to be good this year, then they lose everyone from their lineup. One tragedy after another, and Tony La Russa, drunk, just filled in the lineup like, “I’m not going to drive my Mercedes…But I could go for a Burger,” suddenly standing and grabbing his ass, “First I need to take a Sheets.” Yet, they’d still win! Another circumstance that has managed to sort itself out is Rowdy Tellez. He was supposed to be great, but the Jays added player after player this past offseason, and Rowdy was squeezed, which had his Jewish mother say, “Why don’t you get married?” Then, he was traded and now The He’Brewer should get playing time again, and it’s a great park in Milwaukee. There’s a chance Rowdy could be again what we hoped he would be. “A doctor?” No, Rowdy’s Jewish mother. A top 10 1st baseman, if the Brewers, ya know, play him. Why exactly did they trade for him and are not starting him? Oh, that’s right, the Brewers are stupid. Well, if they smarten up, I like Tellez a lot. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Eric Haase – Would love to see New Era hat designer tackle Eric Haase’s name, “I spell it HAAAAAASE.” Or when he goes for his inevitable next job: “It says here you worked for NAEW EAARA. What kind of work did that entail?” “I did HAAT DAEISGN.” If you don’t know what I’m talking about, look at this actual New Era hat design abomination:
You can tell from my cap I’m a big fan of the AAGAELS pic.twitter.com/Y52VvplcSC
— Razzball (@Razzball) July 6, 2021
LaMonte Wade Jr. – Is it me or do you also think he’s going to rip off his jersey and reveal the La in LaMonte is Los Angeles, and he’s been a spy who infiltrated the Giants? I might have too overactive of an imagination. Any hoo! Wade’s been fantastic in the last LaMonth of games.
Jace Peterson – Rowdy might kill his playing time like he’s smashing a coconut on his head in Piper’s Pit.
Andrew Vaughn – It’s not shocking that he’s struggled this year. He jumped from High-A to the majors this year, based off some goofy Spring Training. When you think of it like that, he’s ACKCHUALLY been impressive. It wouldn’t shock me at all if he breaks out in the 2nd half or next year, and the latter obviously doesn’t help us here.
Ty France – If I were running a betting site, I’d have a Parlay Vous France, where you can bet how many hits he’ll get without getting any other counting stats. This might also be why I don’t run a betting site.
Gavin Sheets – Fun fact! When someone calls out Sheets’s name it also explains what he does in the bathroom. As I said before, “Gavin Sheets looks and sounds like he’d have a season arc on Melrose Place. Someone tell Amanda to stop digging through his mail! He’s mysterious, leave it at that! Sheets is a son of a former major leaguer. Don’t worry, it’s not going to make you feel as old as you think. He’s not Ben’s son, he’s Larry’s son. And like Larry Sheets, he’s a big power, and kinda nothing else guy. Sheets is the type to get hot for a few weeks and then disappear. I’m sorta looking at Yermin Mercedes while saying that.” And that’s me quoting me!
Orlando Arcia – Nearly made Arcia my lede this week, but on a serious tip: He sucks. But also, this is about the hardest Buy column to write, because players who are hot right now, are unlikely to be hot when we get on the other side of the All-Star Break. That’s why this post is on the shorter side, and because my fingers are still sore from writing 6,000 words for the top 100 2nd half, which I’m putting out on Monday. You can get it now by signing up for the Patreon.
Willy Adames – Wanna know how deep this fantasy baseball sickness goes? I’m already excited about Adames for 2022 and want to write a sleeper post for him already. His road numbers on the Rays are shocking, and it confirms why he’s doing well on a new team.
Luis Urias – Yes, I like Urias a lot too. Maybe at some point I can have a Urias lede. Just think, you can grab Urias and Sheets, and rename your team, “My Urias Sheets.”
Eloy Jimenez – He’s going to return as a DH, right? Right? RIGHT?! Tony Lol Russa, please tell me you’re not going to play him in the field.
Jake Burger – He seems amazingly well-adjusted considering he had to say over a 1,000 times, “Yes, like Good Burger.” He’s another power-first guy. Could he completely surprise pitchers? Yes, hundred percent. Will he? Hmm, maybe 30%? Unlike nature intended, I’d go Sheets then Burger.
Jarren Duran – Now is an especially good time to grab a guy who isn’t up yet, if you’re in a weekly league like me where you have to play a guy the week you grab him, i.e., you’re only going to get a handful of oh-fer games next week if they’re not called up.
Akil Baddoo – Not only is he now hitting leadoff, and hitting around .340 in the last five weeks, but his Ks were cut from 44% in April and 29% in May to 17% in June, and he’s stealing bases at a 30-steals-in-162-games pace. That’s a Yabba Dabba Baddoo!
Jake Fraley – With a 50-grade hit tool, 50-grade power and 50-grade speed, Fraley was actually on par with Kyle Lewis prior to Lewis’s big 2020 breakout, so, yeah, we’re all sleeping a bit on Fraley, which is massively uncomfortable, unless you like bony.
Ranger Suarez – Every week I give you a new Phils’ closer, and every week you get your ratios destroyed while continuing to search Google for my address so you can send me a care package of your Gavin Sheets. I get it. Not your package; I make Cougs open all our mail, just in case.
Anthony Bender – Finally, gave up a run after starting his career with 22 scoreless innings, and eye-popping Ks. With Yimi getting hit recently, it could be time for Bender. Or maybe sometime in the near Futurama.
Chad Green – Big week for possible bullpen change-a-roos. Too bad it comes right before a break, because sometimes a few days off, and it goes like this: “Hey, we should go back to Aroldis now.” That’s Aaron Boone after Aroldis gives up five runs in the All-Star Game.
Jose Cisnero – Full disclosure alert! I searched some Detroit news outlets first to see if Michael Fulmer was back yet. Didn’t see anything about him, but I saw Kid Rock is playing to a full house of acid-washed jeans rock fans at Kid Rock’s Da Dang Da Dang Diggy Diggy Diggy Dive Bar.
Christian Yelich – For a while I was thinking Yelich was a buy low. As you’ll see in my top 100 for the 2nd half on Monday, I’m not even sure Yelich is a major league bat anymore, let alone a buy low. Yelich, the brother with a hot mother, looks done done. Not done done done, but done done. Though, after done done is done done done. His Launch Angle is back to where it was when he was with the Marlins, and his HardHit% has plummeted. I could guess what happened to him, and it would go like this: Knee surgery messed up his confidence and mechanics. He returned with neither, and is afraid of tweaking something, so he’s hitting everything weakly into the ground. It’s not great! I could still give him the benefit of the doubt that he’ll regain what he lost, but without that benefit of the doubt, he looks like a .250, 12-homer hitter in 162 games! I wouldn’t trade him for a pile of nachos that fell on the passenger’s side floormat, but I would go to the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.