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His name is Bills because his parents were told at the hospital that you can’t put an apostrophe in a name, and got mixed up when the nurse asked, “Whose birth certificate will this be?” and they said, “Bills.”  Bills is now 34 and wears jorts and an American flag tie-dyed t-shirt all year.  Same ones.  Doesn’t have five dozen of the same shirt and jorts, but Bills sometimes tells people he does.  Bills’s jorts remain fresh because he washes them every night, though this has caused them to fray.  Bills has one love, fireworks on July 4th.  Bills travels all around the Midwest, picking up fireworks at 24-hour fireworks stores.  Bills laughs when people question why a fireworks store would be open 24 hours a day.  Bills says, “For when you can’t sleep.”  Now, if Bills were to set up all his fireworks on July 3rd and fire them off at midnight on July 4th, Bills would be Jeff Luhnow.  On Sunday, Carlos Correa was called up, and wasting no time, he followed that up with Vincent Velasquez, the Astros prized pitching prospect.  His fireworks cannon was filled, and he’s firing!  Prospector Mike said this offseason, “While Mark Appel pushes into #2 starter territory, Velasquez sits comfortably with #3 starter upside and shouldn’t be overlooked.  He’s got Tommy John on the books already and missed some time this past year with a groin issue, so his development has been slowed a bit, but he’s got two plus pitches in his fastball/changeup and he survived a 55 inning stint at High-A Lancaster.  Despite the missed time, Velasquez could see the majors quickly thanks to above average command of his fastball. To give you an idea of a different above-average command, ‘Die, Grey, die.'”  Hey, what’s the big idea?!  This year in Double-A, Velasquez had a 12.7 K/9, 3.1 BB/9 and 1.37 ERA.  Basically, drool, drool and more drool.  I tried to grab him in every league, but I was too slow.  He’s worth the flyer to see if he surprises hitters with his 95 MPH fastball and devastating change.  There’s a real chance here for some fireworks for Bills.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Lance McCullers – 7 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.32.  I watched a lot of this game because I wanted to see Correa for the inevitable “Where were you when you first saw Correa?” questions.  I was in the kitchen, cutting tofu, watching him on my iPad, if you must know.  And now my 15-year-old self wants to punch me, and ask if my ‘bachelor’s iPad’ has a jacuzzi.  Any the hoo!  I was surprised to see the White Sox get anything off of McCullers, and he was only really beat by a hot Avisail.  I’d definitely still own McCullers.

Carlos Correa – 1-for-4, 1 RBI.  His first major league hit was an infield single because doode can burn.  He flies.  Like, no joke, wings out and burns/flies.  From now on, I will call him, Icarlos.  A man with wings that flies and burns.

Avisail Garcia – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 3rd homer in four games.  He seems like he’s always somewhere between a hot streak and a bum knee.

Chris Sale – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 14 Ks, ERA at 3.04.  Honestly, I’m surprised he didn’t strike out 20+ Astros hitters.

Lance Lynn – Experiencing forearm tightness, which means he should be good about 14 to 16 months after he visits with Dr. James Andrews.  On the fo’serious tip, forearm tightness usually indicates serious problems with a pitcher’s arm.  He says he’ll make his next start.  We’ll see.  Or not.  Your choice, unless you’re reading from North Korea.

Matt Holliday – Diagnosed with a strained quad.  No one could’ve seen that coming.  Ugh, I left out a key phrase in that sentence.  No one could’ve seen that coming thirty years ago because Matt Holliday was only five years old at the time.

Kolten Wong – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .307.  Bang a dong, Wong, get it on.

Ben Paulsen – 3-for-5, 3 runs, hitting .339.  Doesn’t matter if I think he’s going to keep it up, while the Rockies are in Coors, he should be owned.  In fact, when I look at my waivers a day the Rockies are in Coors, every single Rockies hitter is owned.  Should be the same in every league.

Troy Tulowitzki – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer.  By the end of June, you’re gonna be like, “Why was I ever worried about Tulo?”  Of course, by the end of July, he’s going to be on the 60-day DL, but from now until then?  Xoxo

Nolan Arenado – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer.  Speaking of air kisses, it’s June 9th.  Still worried he won’t get to 20 homers?

DJ LeMahieu – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI.  In Coors, you ride the Silver Bullet.

Lonnie Chisenhall – Demoted to Triple-A.  Lonnie gonnie has a whole new meaning now.

Francisco Lindor – Indians GM said he considered Lindor for the promotion this week when Jose Ramirez was sent down, but decided Lindor was a little banged up like your Celica and wanted Lindor at 100%.  I’m betting that Zach Walters, who was called up instead, lasts about seven to ten days and then we see Lindor.  Missed out on Correa, Velasquez, Pelfrey, okay, less Pelfrey, then I’d grab Lindor.

Andrew McCutchen – Sat out yesterday with knee soreness.  McClutchin’-His-Knee is likely no better or worse than he’s been all year.  This strikes me as just a day of rest for The Dreadless Pirate.

A.J. Burnett – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.11 vs. Jimmy Nelson 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 4.05.  Since I own Nelson in one league, I billed this game as The Tattoed vs. The Please Don’t Let Him Get Tattooed.

Edwin Encarnacion – Sat out again Monday with a sore shoulder.  Frickin’ Bautista must’ve sneezed on him.

Josh Donaldson – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 16th home run.  I haven’t fawned over Donaldson nearly enough this year.  On our Player Rater, he’s now solidly in third for all players, just behind Au Shizz and Bryce and right in front of Trout.  He doesn’t feel insanely overrated either, like everyone is assuming he’s just going to follow in Nadir Bupkis’s footsteps in the 2nd half.  Here’s one for you, Miggy or Donaldson?  I don’t know if it’s that clear cut.

Kevin Pillar – 2-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 8th steal.  He’s quietly having a decent year for a very deep league.  Quiet like a Pillar.  Is that a saying?  It should be.

Brad Hand – 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  A bird in the hand is worth a lot more than a Hand in Toronto.

Giancarlo Stanton – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer.  I wonder if this is the year he hits 50 homers.  *wavy lines*  Hey, it’s October and I’m about to find out if Giancarlo hit 50 homers.  Ugh, who put all of these stock market results on top of Stanton’s stats?  Now I have to move them all. *wavy lines*  Hmm, I’m an idiot in the future, too.

Dansby Swanson – Selected number one overall by the Diamondbacks in the draft.  Dansby was a shortstop that played at Vanderbilt.  I’m glad baseball has penetrated the inner gated community to get guys such as Dansby, but it’s a shame baseball has lost so many other fine athletes to polo, fencing and lacrosse.

Patrick Corbin – Began a rehab assignment, and should be activated around the All-Star game.  If you’re looking for a stache, look at me.  If you’re looking for a DL stash, grab Corbin.

Rubby de la Rosa – 5 IP, 9 ER.  Not only should Rubby not be owned by you, I wouldn’t be surprised if soon he’s not owned by the Diamondbacks.

Mike Bolsinger – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.08.  Wow, maybe the Stream-o-Nator is right to be crazy about this guy every time he pitches.  Not even joking when I say his stats look pretty whatever, but he’s in a good park with a good team behind him and most of his opponents have been bleh at best.

Jimmy Rollins – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer as he bats eighth.  I can only guess Mattingly misspelled Guerrero’s name on the lineup card.

Howie Kendrick – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI as he returned from a minor knee injury.  Damn, didn’t even get a chance to use Owie Kneesick.  Act faster, Grey!

Andre Ethier – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer.  The Dodgers really enjoyed getting to Rubby.  Reminded them of the time when Alyssa Milano used to hang out in the clubhouse.

Brandon Morrow – Will undergo an MRI on his shoulder, because it’s a day of the week that ends in day.

Yonder Alonso – 2-for-3, 1 run, hitting near-.450 since he returned from the DL.  For what it’s Werth, I grabbed Alonso for the batty call yesterday, and I may hold onto him for a little 2nd day how’s your father.

Will Venable – 2-for-5, 1 run, and his 4th steal.  Member when Myers first went down I tried to convince you to pick up Venable, but no one listened?  Yeah, that was prolly for the best.

Cameron Maybin – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 10th steal.  People have been so kind with my ongoing debacle of benching Aoki the week he was hot, then benching Maybin last week when he hit .450, and I just want to tell all of you well-wishers that due to Soler’s injury, Maybin and Aoki are both in my lineup this week.  As Rudy said when I told him, “You’re happy about this?”

Shelby Miller – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.84.  This is the best Miller run since 9th grade when your best friend’s neighbor agreed to go buy you and your friends beer.

Pedro Strop – Yesterday, Joe Maddon was asked to define the Cubs relievers’ roles and said, “How’s like, ‘Be ready to pitch in the last three innings?'”  With clarifying like that, Maddon could be a female.  “Could you define, ‘Nothing’ when I ask you, ‘What’s the matter?'”  “How’s like, ‘Be ready to not have sex for the next three days?'”  At this point, I’d own Strop, Hector Rondon and Jason Motte.  Also, I’d like to write one more thing by banging my head against the keyboard, Rondon was demoted and has an ERA under 3 and hasn’t given up a run since May 22nd.

Phil Hughes – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.81.  I’d still consider him a streamer, and the Stream-o-Nator liked this start, but doesn’t like his next, so amscray on ugheshay.

Eddie Rosario – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer.  Okay, he’s been hitting enough to warrant a deeper look.  *falls asleep*  Sorry, I was looking at Rosario’s minor league stats and I *snooze*  Damn, it happened again.  Oh, I know why.  His stats are as boring as your grandma’s chicken.  Tell that lady to use some seasoning!

Kennys Vargas – 1-for-4 as he was recalled from the minors.  In his first game back, Kennys got to face Jason Vargas (6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.10) in a battle of Vargasses.  I’d pause after the Varg in that word.

Kendrys Morales – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer.  I swear to you, yesterday was the first time I’ve received questions about dropping Morales, and I received quite a few.  The magic of the Comment Drop wiggles its nose once again!  If you’re struggling with a player, just ask to drop him and poof!

Kevin Correia – Phillies signed him.  Probably for one of three reasons.  A) Boredom.  B) The Phillies purchased five tons of gochujang by accident, and want to have a Korean theme night.  C) There’s no C.

Maikel Franco – 3-for-4 and has four homers in the last week and is hitting .400 in that time and is owned in only 22% of ESPN leagues.  Oh.  *takes a walk around the block, cleans the dishes since Cougs cooked, sits back down at the keyboard*  Kay.

Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA up to 3.19.  After the game, Hamels went on a tirade that needed to be bleeped out, saying, “I will waive my no-trade clause to blankety blank blank.”  On second thought, he might’ve just been saying to fill-in any team’s name where the blanks are.

Zack Cozart – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .261.  Something just struck me.  No, not lightning.  I just realized that Cozart is having his breakout season and it’s still pretty yawnstipating.

Todd Frazier – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .282.  It might be because it was a short schedule day or maybe I’m remembering this incorrectly, but I think this is the first time Frazier’s been mentioned while not homering or stealing a bag.  So, that was neither funny nor interesting.

Ivan De Jesus – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run as he keeps left field warm for Mesoraco.  In related news, the ski mask Mesoraco is wearing isn’t for warmth.  The Reds media department asked him to don it.

Mike Leake – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.29 as Leake beat the Phils, which left plumbers everywhere scratching their head.

Billy Hamilton – 1-for-4, 1 run and racked up his 24th and 25th steals, as he stole 2nd and 3rd against Hamels.  Hamilton is now 1-0 in duels vs. Hamels and 0-1 vs. Burr.