Four teams were showing interest in Stephen Drew.  No official word on which four teams, but I’m guessing the Yankees, Tigers, Red Sox and whoever didn’t want the Yankees, Tigers or Red Sox to get him.  Probably the Giants.  That Sabean is a real party pooper!  “Stephen Drew is under 40 years old, but he comes across as a guy that is aging twice the speed of the average human.”  That’s Sabean weighing Drew’s pros and cons.  Well, tough noogs, Sabean, the Red Sox secured their long-coveted, barely above replacement level shortstop.  In a news conference, the Red Sox said they hadn’t had a news conference in a while and felt like now was as good a time as any.  “We were gonna hold a presser to say Jerry Remy was down to a pack and a half of smokes a day, but this is so much better!”  Drew hasn’t been worth owning in fantasy in about six years, so I wouldn’t expect you picking him up will work as a Viagra substitute.  He’s around that of a 12-homer, 5-steal, .250 hitter.  Lowercase yay.  This will move Xander Bogaerts to third base and Will Middlebrooks to an outside chance of being a deep league sleeper in 2015, if he gets a few good at-bats off the bench when he returns because he’s now out of a job.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Felix Doubront – 4 IP, 5 ER, but left early due to shoulder fatigue.  He kept looking at his shoulder all night, but everyone just thought he was watching balls sail out of the stadium.

Jonny Gomes – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  Rudy streamed him all over the place due to what the Hitter-Tron said, after it was done hanging posters of Vicki from A Small Wonder.

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and two homers (10, 11).  Wrist is good, got it.  Message received, please BCC me going forward.

Melky Cabrera – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer.  Has anyone else returned this terrifically from PEDs before?  A-Rod should be watching Melky and taking notes, and not simply notes that read which players would look the best in a dress.

Cliff Lee – To the DL with a mild elbow strain.  “Now, breaking news from our sportscaster-cum-weatherman, Jim.  Jim, will this pitchpocalypse ever pass?” “Doesn’t look like it will any time soon.  There was a slow front going up the eastern seaboard through Atlanta in the spring, but those pitchers were overworked and had history of arm troubles.  In the last two months, the pitchpocalypse has decimated all cities and now is turning its sights on a pitcher whose mechanics were so smooth, Cliff Lee was able to put his elbow on a blank spinning record and have it play the Theme from Shaft.”

Andrew Heaney – Promoted to Triple-A New Orleans.  Next stop will be South Beach.  Damn, I’d love to be a Marlins prospect.  Where’s their Single-A affiliate?  Cancun?  The Marlins minors must be sponsored by Pat O’Brien’s.  I know they always treated me well as a minor.  “Your ID says your name is James P. Bowl,” handing back my ID that was made at Kinko’s, “Okay, but limit yourself to six hurricanes.”

Garrett Jones – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs.  Oh, well, he’s starting to pull away in the race for who will have more fantasy value between him and Ryan Zimmerman.  I didn’t type that using my fingers, I used my tears.

Anthony DeSclafani – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  He looked decent in his first start off the boat, but now the Marlins should send DeSclafani back to where he came from (Staten Island).

Sean Doolittle – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 3rd save.  Bob Melvin “acknowledges Doolittle is in the closer role.”  I tend to use acknowledge when you have to accept something that you don’t want to accept.  I’m assuming Melvin uses it differently, because if he’s just acknowledging it rather than ‘thanking the crap out of Doolittle for being the closer,’ he’s crazy.

Coco Crisp – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, but left early with a pain in his neck.  Appropriately, he’s a pain in my neck too in a weekly league.

Drew Pomeranz – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, and a 0.94 ERA.  The Rockies are probably wondering why Pomeranz kept playing dead when in Colorado he’s so cute throwing shutout innings.

Jake Odorizzi – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Oh, in Italy the game time was midnight, that explains why he turned into a pumpkin.

Michael Cuddyer – 0-for-4 as he returned from the DL.  Billy in ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Get him in your lineup!”

Wilin Rosario – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer.  You really don’t need to ask me if I’d pick up Rosario.  I ranked him as the best catcher.  Yes, I’d own him.

Prince Fielder – Missed yesterday’s game due to arm weakness.  I wish I was in a prog-rock group with Prince Fielder so I could smash a guitar over his head, then kick him out of the band.  I wish I was directing a staged adaption of Who’s the Boss? so I could cast him in the Judith Light role, tell him his motivation is ‘he’s not the boss,’ then fire him.  I wish Somalian pirates kidnapped Prince Fielder and I so I could watch as they explained they only have meat for him to eat.  I hate you, Fielder!

Yovani Gallardo – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, but left early after he slipped off the mound.  Damn, I really wish he stayed in the game, so he could’ve got hit harder.  YoGa:  never relaxing.

Julio Teheran – 9 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 1.92.  I’m glad I loved Teheran this preseason even if it meant being flagged by the NSA for being a sympathizer of Iran.

Andrelton Simmons – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer.  He’s out of this world!

Justin Upton – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer.  Imagine if he were to actually put together a full season.  Of course, I wouldn’t believe it until the last week of September.  He could have 30 homers by the All-Star Break and I’d expect him to go 0-for-247 in the 2nd half.

Chris Davis – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 5 RBIs and three homers (4, 5, 6).  Don’t touch the windows, Cougs!  That’s not cake frosting all over the windows!  Bill James orgasmed!

Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 13th homer.  Nelson Cruz Sr. should’ve thought twice about not calling him for his birthday, he could still have the honor of Nelson Cruz being a junior.

Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 6 ER.  Someone brought up an interesting thought in the comments yesterday.  Ray Searage isn’t a wizard with pitchers, he’s a charlatan.  He hired a PR agency to get it out there that he could fix any starter, proved it last year with Liriano and now is taking fantasy baseballers to school this year.  It’s like he’s playing three-card monte with us.  Why he wants to trick us, I don’t know, but I want him to stop.  It hurts.  There’s only one way to get him to stop.  Take back control and drop Liriano.  Doode’s completely unreliable.

Ike Davis – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer.  People think of Ike Davis as a bust, yet he’s out-hitting Prince Fielder.  *dons potato sack, curls up into ball, cries*

Angel Pagan – Sat out yesterday as an MRI revealed a shoulder sprain.  Probably the shoulder with an Angel on it.

Buster Posey – Sat out with nerve irritation.  Or noive irritation if you’re reading in a Curly voice.

Matt Lindstrom – Landed on the DL with a sublexing peroneal tendon, which usually is served with udon.  Why it wasn’t served with udon this time is beyond me.  My only guess is Lindstrom is no Udonis.  Taking over for the White Sox will be DOT DOT DOT Ronald Belisario or Daniel Webb, in that order.  Considering Belisario just threw two innings on Monday and came into yesterday’s game for the save, it indicates Robin Ventura’s first choice is Belisario.

Conor Gillaspie – 3-for-4, 2 runs, hitting near .450 in the last week.  I was playing Gillaspie with my niece, and she said “I Gillaspie a hot schmotato.” And I started to cry.  You know, I just started to cry.  And I went home and told Joe, “The thing is we never do fly off to Rome at a moment’s notice.”

Andre Rienzo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. moving his record to 4-0.  Mean’s while, Teheran has a 3-3 record.  Wins are stupid.  Sorry, I had to get that off my chest.  Hehe, oops, I’m not wearing an undershirt.  Any hoo!  Andre Ronzoni isn’t anything but a streamer, and the Stream-o-Nator points out his next start is terrible.

Lorenzo Cain – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and 2 steals.  Cain…Schmotato!

Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 5 ER, 14 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He’s down another mile per hour on his fastball, and down three miles since 2011, dropping one mile per year.  That’s not a favorable trending topic.  Last year, his May was hideous too and he bounced back, but with the extra velocity coming off his stuff, I would be more interested in selling low.

Alex Avila – 2-for-2 and his 3rd homer.  AA, finally figuring out the first step.  Hit once in a while.

Trevor Bauer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Ah, the ol’ decent, but not spectacular start that leaves you wondering what to make of it.  According to the Stream-o-Nator this was a $-2.7 start vs his next one that is $-7.3.  Bauer has solid stuff, but he struggles with his control and is prone for ugly starts.  I’d own him, but I wouldn’t get carried away with expecting a number two starter.  Or even number 3.

David Murphy – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer.  He’s still hot schmotatoing around town like his hot schmotato smells like rose-scented schmotatoes!

Todd CoffeyMariners signed him to a deal.  I look forward to him running in from the bullpen at full speed, causing the camera to shake and people at home watching the game wondering if there’s an earthquake happening.

Taijuan Walker – Threw a simulated game.  And I’m simulating jerking off.  Come back already!

Corey Hart – To the 15-day DL with a hamstring strain.  He has a Grade 2 strain which means he’ll miss 4-6 weeks and his strain can do its times tables.

Nick Franklin – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and a steal.  Nick Franklin has been insanely good in the minors, and not very good in the majors.  The cool kids call that being Quad-A.  I say anything is cooler than saying quadruple.  Is there a dorky word?  Try to say quadruple and sound cool.  You can’t.  Any the hoo!  Franklin has 7 homers, 6 steals and hitting .376 in Triple-A this year.  Okay, so that’s yes, please and thank you.  Then in the majors, he hits around .220, but the power and speed does translate.  If you have room at MI, I’d give him a flyer.  He’ll either replace Miller or fill in for Hart; he shouldn’t sit on the bench.  And that’s me writing something I will copy into Friday’s Buy column!

Hisashi Iwakuma – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, actually raising his ERA to 1.76.  Four starters that I wanna own, two that wanna stone me, one says he’s a friend of mine, Hisashi, Hisashi!  Don’t let the sound of my slurping dashi drive you crazy…

Colby Lewis – 6 IP, 5 ER.  Colby’s cheese isn’t cutting it, but it still smells funky.

Carlos Beltran – Says he will try to play through the pain.  He said it in a whisper.  Talking louder hurts his elbow.

Masahiro Tanaka – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, raising his ERA to 2.39.  What a bust!  Billy Butler, “Yes?”

Jason Hammel – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.91.  You prolly didn’t start him yesterday, and that’s the problem with Hammel.  Pretty hard to trust him.  You put him on your team, you admire him, then you put him away when you’re worried he’s going to get hit.  He’s Jason Hummel.

Josh Hamilton – Aiming to return on May 26th.  Whether he can stay healthy, well, let’s say the injury is still out.

David Freese – 2-for-5, 1 run, 4 RBIs as he was activated from the DL.  Billy in ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” department said, “Don’t you have better options?”

Tyler Skaggs – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 4.14.  I’d say he’s worthwhile in some leagues, but Skaggs ain’t the Boz of me.

Chris Parmelee – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer in the last week.  Whatever Colabello was drinking, Parmelee is now battering in breadcrumbs and frying up.

Joey Votto – Hoping to return this weekend.  Ugh, I’m really starting to imagine that he gets into one game, then realizes he needs a DL stint and bumps back his DL clock.

Jair Jurrjens – Signed by the Reds.  Jar-Jar said in his official announcement, “Meesa tinks this is going to be mooey mooey good!”

Johnny Cueto – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, raising his ERA to 1.86.  Aw, poor Cueto owners!  ERA all the way up to almost 2.  I’m going to bid a penny on the world’s smallest violin on eBay and if I win it, I’ll play it for you.

Doug Fister – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. as Fister easily beat Cueto.  Goes to show you, a puncher takes out a kicker every time.

Denard Span – 5-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th steal.  Damn, I streamed him on Monday, but then dropped him.  I should’ve fell in love with that batty call!  He wasn’t doing a whole lot prior to the two hit game on Monday, but a five-for-five night goes a long way to turning a hitter into a hot schmotato.

Matt Harvey – Hopes to return in August.  It will be a real thrill to see him risk his career to help the Mets secure fourth place in the final month.  The stakes!

Rafael Montero – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  The Mets just may have found Mejia’s set-up man!

Curtis Granderson – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 6th homer.  Grandy’s dandy, but Young is Krispie and Eric.  Okay, needs work.

Yasiel Puig – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .333.  The people who were complaining I ranked Puig too high sure have disappeared.  Oh, wait, no they haven’t, they’re talking about Gyorko.

Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer.  He’s hitting .300 in the last week and usually hits them in bunches like Mr. Chiquita Banana.

Matt Adams – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  The Cardinals should celebrate an Adams homer by him holding a bat between his moobs, then his teammates slide it up and down.

Adam Wainwright – 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 0 Walks, 9 Ks.  Pfft, Mark Buehrle does that like twice a month!

 
  1. Long Bawls says:
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    Durst! Oh, wait…

  2. I moustache you something says:
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    “Please BCC me going forward”

    LOL!!! Having worked in corporate for so long, I busted out laughing at that one…HAHA

  3. tony says:
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    i was offered verlander for my minor, is that anyhow convinient?

    • SallyCips says:
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      @tony: no. Verlander’s name alone willvfetch you more. Hit the trade blocks.

  4. Bleeds_blue46 says:
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    Dropped liriano for Bauer after his start last Wednesday. Hopefully Bauer changes your mind about him too after his next outing, Greystradomus

  5. Shin-Soo Choo Choo says:
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    Thanks for ruining my tittyfuck fetish forever with that Matt Adams blurb. Thanks a lot.

  6. Tony Cingrani's Ego says:
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    team a gets kershaw and todd frazier
    team b gets albert

    who wins

  7. Tony Cingrani's Ego says:
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    rank wong, beckham, neil walker, alcedies ROS

    • Busher says:
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      Ready-made smack talk for all Alcides Escobar owners to use:

      Do you like CDs or tapes? You can Alcideez nuts taped to your chin.

      Feel free to post in your league.

      • Grey

        Grey says:
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        Ha

  8. seph meier says:
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    Beltran or josh Hamilton ros?

  9. Amazing Spider A's says:
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    no love for Carl Crawford?? Dude is playing like he is earning a fraction of his paycheck…which is good!!

  10. Nimrod says:
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    Johnny Cueto comment brought back memories, the song on the violin we played was “my heart bleeds for you”. Good write up.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Thanks, ‘rod!

  11. Dbalz says:
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    Having trouble hanging onto Domonic Brown……

    Hold Brown or sweeten my lineup with Cain?

  12. This HORRIBLE pitching line:
    42 INN, 47 HA, 11 BBI, , 2 HB, 31 K, 23 ER, 2 W, 5 L

    Was brought to you by:
    Verlander
    Tanaka
    Kennedy
    Yoga
    Ventura
    Fister – he was fine
    Skaggs – also fine

    this was in my CBS H2H points league

    When I saw the match-ups I was thinking 4 or 5 wins easy and maybe all 7..

    • Adam Jonesin says:
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      @Malicious Phenom: OUCH. I was wallowing in self-pity over my 24.1 IP, 33 H/BB, 17 ER, 19 Ks, 1 W from Cueto, Liriano, MadBum, and Iwakuma.

  13. Grey, morning from Ireland.

    Hilarious as always, what a great way to start my day!

    cheers mate

    • Swfcdan says:
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      @Malicious Phenom: You Irish Malicious? I live in England, good to see some British based razzheads on here.

      • Moscowitz says:
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        @Swfcdan:

        Since when is Ireland british?

        • Aubrey Plaza's Pillow says:
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          @Moscowitz: Great Britain, check the map. notice Ireland is still in it.

          • Moscowitz says:
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            @Aubrey Plaza’s Pillow: No i dont have to check the map. Ireland is not Great Britain.

    • @Swfcdan: @Malicious Phenom: Checking in from Italy here — did ya’ll notice the two Italy references in today’s wrap-up?

      Makes sense a lot of the early commentators are in Europe.

      • JeF With 1 F says:
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        @Enrique: Checking in from…….Never mind i cant compete with you guys

        • BitchesBeShoppach says:
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          I’m from Ontario and they think I’m slow….eh

          • Big W says:
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            @BitchesBeShoppach: Ontario, California? Me too!
            Kidding… from Toronto… now that Nick is gone, who do I stock?

            • BitchesBeShoppach says:
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              I guess me if you want. You could probably do better though. I’m north of Toronto. Closer to Owen sound

      • theearly90s says:
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        Venezuela here!

      • Moscowitz says:
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        @Enrique: Switzerland here. Often in Germany though.

        • prez says:
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          Im from wisconsin!

    • Nick The Podcast Host

      Nick The Podcast Host says:
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      @Malicious Phenom: Used to work at the Oliver St John Gogarty in Temple Bar!

  14. bossmanjunior says:
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    1) better DL stash: Gee, Paxton, Pineda

    2) Was offered Verlander and Utley for my Jones. Thats not in the realm of being close to equal, right?

    His OF: Braun, Ellsbury, Moss
    His SP: Verlander, Shields, Grienke, Iwakuma

    Do you see a decent counter offer I could/should propose?

    Thanks!