His full name is Randy Arozarena, and he was kidnapped and raised by Nicholas Cage and Holly Hunter as their own. On today’s podcast coming later today, I was surprised to hear Podcaster Ralph say he thought Randy Arozarena was for real. I honestly thought he was a hot schmotato, and the best part of him was his last name sounds like a Red Hot Chili Peppers’ lyric. Psychic spies from Tampa try to steal your fantasy team’s elation, and little girls from Sweden dream of me quoting me quotation, and if you want these kind of dreams of Arozarenication. Also, he has a readymade nickname, the Rice Bowl, because his name split up is Arroz Arena. Damn it, I love him now too! In Triple-A, Arozarena went 12/9/.358 in 64 games in 2019, and he has 25+ steal speed, and roughly 15-homer power. That’ll play the Red Hot Chili Peppers in the Rice Bowl. Yesterday, Arozarena (1-for-2) hit his third homer in two games, and is hitting .471. Even if he doesn’t keep up that, and Cash tries to platoon the Rice Bowl, he’s well worth picking up. Don’t worry, I haven’t said Randy Arozarena 2021 sleeper, so no jinx yet. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Charlie Morton – 5 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.94. You wait until his IL stint, then Morton throws his salt in your wounds.

Juan Soto – Out again with elbow soreness. Has now missed games since last Thursday, after last Wednesday, when I pledged my undying love to him. Haha, no jinx! Haha, no jinx! Haha…. no… jinx…*as I wander into freeway traffic*

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.40. He still has almost half the year to regain his value. I laughed so loud when I wrote “almost half the year” in September.

David Peterson – 2 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.26. If that’s Peterson, then the Phillies are Peterdad.

Jeff McNeil – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. Ralph and I discuss McNeil on the podcast coming later today, and it is after this homer, so we don’t sound totally dumb. The gist is McNeil is more of a 15-17 homer, .290 hitter in a full season, and not the 23-homer, .318 hitter he was last year. It shows you how fast a guy’s outlook can change in a small sample. If McNeil were to hit five homers in the next days, then he’d look like a 23-homer hitter again.

Zack Wheeler – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.47. On a related note, Steven Matz would be a 1-something ERA guy on another team than the Mets. I don’t know this for a fact, I just know it.

J.T. Realmuto – 1-for-3, 3 runs and his 10th homer. Jerry Tomato should mime answering free agent calls during his home run trot. “Hello, Steve Cohen, there’s a 100 million reasons why I don’t want to play for the Mets, but there’s 150 million reasons why I would.”

Jean Segura – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 5th homer. Segura came a triple short of a cycle. Or the Dumpster Pants cycle.

Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .254. Rhysus rose in August and is having a longer Easter than most Greeks.

Kolby Allard – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 7.22. Hopefully you ducked out of the way of Kolby M. Allard.

Kyle Seager – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. The corner infidel to own this year from the sea of waste after the top 250 picks? Look no further, Seager.

Dylan Moore – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .293. I’m embarrassed to admit how long I researched Dylan Moore to come away with absolutely nothing. I was originally looking to see if he had splits issues: got distracted by his batted ball profile; how high his launch angle is, and ended up somehow figuring out I had haptodysphoria, the fear of velvet.

Marco Gonzales – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.02. In 50 2/3 IP, he’s given up four walks for a 0.7 BB/9. Robbie Ray gave up four walks in his first 4 IP of the season. Gonzales is starting to distinguish himself as a guy that might be on all my teams next year. Get Ks and don’t allow walks, and Grey rides a mop around his office singing Old Town Road.

Kyle Hendricks – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.41. Okay, not to get you too thirsty for 2021, but Hendricks or Gonzales? Prolly still Hendricks, but they’re very close.

Jose Urena – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, as he was activated from the IL and made his 1st start of the year. If you’re starting him, Urena lot of trouble.

Miguel Rojas – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBI, hitting .375. Not to be Carl Commonsensical here, but why is Rojas batting at the bottom of the Marlins’ order with .375 average?

Ian Anderson – 3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 2.40, as he was about as economical as Imelda Marcos in a Jimmy Choo. Streamonator hates his next start, but I’m not sure how you can’t start him.

Adam Duvall – 1-for-1 and a pinch-hit homer. I don’t usually mention pinch-hit homers, but guess how many Duvall has this year. Go ahead, make a wild guess how many homers he has. Not pinch-hit, all told, how many how many homers does Duvall have? He’s got ten! Dubya tee eff.

Adalberto Mondesi – 1-for-4 and a slam (1) and legs (11), hitting .200. “If we put him in this barrel and pour concrete on it, who’s to know–WAIT! He’s moving! Mondesi’s alive!” Until this game he was hitting below the Mendoza Line…Hold on, hearing now they are starting to call it the Mondesi Line. Harsh, but fair.

Zach Plesac – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.32. Nice to see him pick up right where he left off, which is the back of the dive bar named The Rotten Nipple, which is famous for mozzarella sticks soaked in Rumple Minze.

Jose Ramirez – Left the game with thumb discomfort. He should call his thumb Black Betty, so he can be like, “Jo-Ram jam Black Betty, whoa, Black Betty!”

Eric Hosmer – Fractured his finger by a pitch when trying to bunt with two strikes. Who are you, John Smoltz? Who bunts?! With two strikes?! Hosmer is done for the year, and Mitch Moreland is gonna be Moretime at first.

Dinelson Lamet – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.24. In his start he gave up hits, but no runs. Same results:  Excellent.

Sean Murphy – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!

Chris Bassitt – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.12. Who let the dogs out? Well, I’m glad you asked. You should check out the documentary on Hulu about that very subject, then listen to Donkey Teeth and I interview the star of Who Let The Dogs Out on our Patreon podcast. Also, Bassitt is a dog, in a good way. Plus, the Streamonator loves his next start.

Zac Gallen – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.29 vs. Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.05. I want to own both of these pitchers next year, and there will likely be about 75 pitchers drafted between them. This year Gausman didn’t have the chance to show how valuable he can be in just home starts, because the season was a blink. Gallen…well…What more is there to say than yesterday was his worst start of his career and it was still fine?

Michael Fulmer – 2 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 8.24. Fulmer was facing a Twins’ lineup with two of the top three hitters were LaMonte Wade Jr. and Brent Rooker. This was the Twins’ D lineup, as in it was low-hanging, and to lose to them you’d have to be a real boob.

Byron Buxton – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .250. Not terrible when you consider he’s had less than 100 ABs, but that’s been his problem. Mr. Prorater gets googly-eyed for Buxton, mumbling, “Oh, baby, what could be.”

Michael Pineda – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.77. I see his ownership numbers are around 80%. Running into the red. Usually when he gets to 85% owned it’s when he has a 2 IP, 6 ER start.

Danny Jansen – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .155. He hit that home run off Adam Ottavino. The same Ottavino who said he could strike out Babe Ruth. “Okay, Adam Ottavino, we were able to get a life-size hologram of Babe Ruth that is able to hit just like the real Bambino. But first you have to pitch to Danny Jansen.”

Hyun Jin Ryu – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.19. Nice of the Yankees lineup to come alive for a start against my Ryu — Myu? Yes, he’s myne!

Gary Sanchez – Out again on Monday, as the Yankees try to understand why Sanchez isn’t hitting well. Wait until they realize that started two years ago.

Aaron Hicks – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Hicks has been batting third, and the entire Yanks’ season is set up to make Hicks the unlikely hero. So far, he’s been the unlucky zero.

Luke Voit – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 14th homer. Yes, has been great, but have I mentioned yet the Yankees were in Wild Winds Stadium in Buffalo?

Miguel Andujar – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Aaron Boone watching Andujar round the bases, “That guy reminds me of the guy we had in 2018 that did major damage until he was hurt last year. His name was something Andujar.” “That’s him, Boone, Miguel.” “Ah, that’s right. Boone Miguel. Not sure how I forgot that.” “No, it’s Miguel Andujar, Boone.” “Oh, are we related?”