Pirates Slither In Konnor Through The Griffin Door

So, technically, when I said Konnor Griffin wouldn’t break camp, I was correct. [tomatoes fly by head] Let me finish! [a crowd of pitchforked prematurely balding men shout from outside my fortress] I hear ya! Let me finish! [One person who is the pitchforked prematurely balding men’s de facto leader, “He said he was Finnish. We hate the Finnish!”] No! I didn’t say that, get a better de facto leader! Okay, so, technically I was right Konnor didn’t break camp, but I’m about as technically wrong as a technically right person can be. The Pirates are primetime finaglers, they are. And Yoda syntax, I use. They had until April 8th to promote Griffin and, if he won the Rookie of the Year, they’d get all the picks that come with it, and it was likely a full week of negotiations until he agreed to a longterm deal. Was only a matter of time. What, they were going to let him marinate in the minors and stew for three weeks for no reason? He plays baseball, not bouillabaisse. Yes, he hit .171 in Spring Training, but that’s not indicative of anything. He went 21/65/.333 as a 19-year-old in the minors last year. That’s 21 homers and 65 steals and hit .333 as a 19-year-old. He’s the top rookie. Will he be Mike Trout, the first year he was called up when he was actually not that great and struggled going 5/4/.220 in 40 games, or will he be Mike Trout his first full rookie year when he went 30/49/.326? These are the kinda outcomes we’re looking at with Griffin.

Here’s what I said this offseason, “Intro Paragraph Decoder, “So, you don’t think Griffin will break camp, but you’re here writing this for 2026?” Yeah, IPD, because Konnor Griffin is that special. “We’re not ‘initial familiar.’” Last year, Konnor Griffin went 21/65/.333 in three stops of the minors (Single, High and Double-A). That’s ludi. As a 19-year-old! He might be Ronald Acuña Jr. pre-seventeen knee jankies. He might be Mike Trout pre-thirty-four back jankies. Konnor Griffin, can you pitch? Because Imma about to compare you to Ohtani.” And that’s me quoting me! Further in, I said, “Konnor Griffin is about as perfect as they come: HardHit Launch Angle 9; 107.6 MPH 90th percentile EV, average is 102.4 in minors; average EV is 90.7 MPH, 25% Chase, MiLB average was 27; once again he was 19. He strikes out around 23% of the time.” And that’s me copying pasting me! He’s perfect. He’s as slam dunk as they come. He’s more slam dunk than me standing on someone’s shoulders who is standing on someone else’s shoulders. Konnor Griffin is Phi Slama Jama! He’s so perfect he’s got me reaching into my bag of basketball references from 40 years ago! Our ROS projections are locked and loaded and they’re top 75 overall for Konnor Griffin. If you have the opportunity to get Konnor Griffin in a dynasty, you sell your cousin for him. Yes, even your cousin who you kinda like because he gets high and does dumb stuff and that entertains you because you are easily entertained! Even that cousin! There will be a Buy/Sell later today (already available on Patreon), and I’m debating putting Konnor Griffin in there as a Sell because you can get literally anything for him right now. He is that good, and everyone knows it. Even your high cousin! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carter Jensen – Was scratched due to oversleeping. His timetable for returning is his timetable, located right next to his bed.

Cole Ragans – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Sell! Seriously, this start was vs. one of the saddest offenses in baseball. Derek Shelton has Austin Martin hitting leadoff like someone’s told him that if he does that for five straight games he’ll be rewarded with an Aston-Martin, and the Twins go with Caratini every day like they’re Bugs Bunny with a drinking problem.

Josh Bell – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in two games. After his homer on Wednesday, I was going to declare him an automatic hot schmotato, because he’s never hit one homer and not followed it with another home run in the 1st half of the year. After the trade deadline, when he’s sent to a playoff contender for a player to be named later? Oh, then he’s awful, and becomes one of the worst trade acquisitions, and this happens every year. But prior to the trade deadline? Yes, he gets hot for a few games. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because he’s here right now.

Matt Wallner – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in three games. He actually will be in this afternoon’s Buy column. Okay, no more teasers! You’ve been cut-off from teasers!

Kody Clemens – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer, and 1st caught stealing for the lesser known slam and “I got no legs” said like the guy in the movie, Kids, a movie that lives rent-free in my head 30 years later.

Taj Bradley – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.87, an ERA that is sung like someone misremembering that Snoop Dogg/Dr. Dre song. It’s so early to be looking at ratios, which is what he says right before doing exactly that, and Taj’s 10.5 K/9, 3.5 BB/9 is incredibly encouraging. He was thought of as a top prospect for a while, but for whatever reason he couldn’t unlock it for a few years. Maybe he finally has? I don’t know but it’s worth a waiver wire grab to see if he has finally become Taj Mah-ace!

Reynaldo Lopez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.64, and his velo was once again fine. Early lead for the Shroud of Touki wearer. You’d think we’d know who was wearing it, because it’s technicolor, but we don’t know. Don’t try to understand things.

Ryne Nelson – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 5.79. He faced Reynaldo. A matchup of Rynaldo! See, I combined their two names. Anyway, Ryne ain’t about to dine out in Arizona soon without having people boo the sight of him, ya feel me? Could you stop, it’s making me uncomfortable? You were thinking, “Grey’s only got three games to recap, there’s no way he can make this post go on for 2000 words?” Haha, you fool! So, yeah, Ryne has sucked, but it’s been 9 1/3 total innings.

Jordan Lawlar – 1-for-2 and his 1st career homer. He’s been a prospect since 1976, so it’s interesting that’s his first homer. He has been a bit injury prone, I guess. Oh, by the way, he left the game after being hit on the wrist.

Dominic Smith – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. [shutting off brain so it can’t think about how Dom Smith has more homers than my 1st round draft picks]

Mauricio Dubon – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 1st homer. As I chant to Cougs, “Boing! Dong! Duboner!”

Matt Olson – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Allahson going on a pilgrimage to 35 homers.

David Peterson – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.66. Streamonator hated this one, but I honestly didn’t mind it. Oops! Streamonator doesn’t love his next one, but I don’t mind it. Not making the same mistake, I promise.

Mark Vientos – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. I gonna go out on a sturdy limb and say Vientos is the dumbest lefty-only platoon guy. Jorge Polanco was one of the worst signings because of that. Yes, I know Noelvi Marte would like a word. Vientos should clearly have an everyday job, too.

Robbie Ray – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Not that economical (needed 96 pitches), but got the job done all while having his pants painted on him.

Rafael Devers – 2-for-5 and his 1st homer. Devers delivers!

Daniel Susac – 3-for-3, as the backup catcher had his MLB debut. Not sure if you saw the clips of his family celebrating in the stands, but they’re demonstrating proper shaken baby syndrome.

Jose Quintana – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. Hoping he’s okay, he’s the Rockies best pitcher.

J.P. Crawford – Activated from the IL. Who cares, so instead I want to direct you to the Rangers’ newest food concession:

That’s right, a nacho hat, i.e., they made The Simpsons’ Homer hat a real thing. I love this. I’m about to fly to Texas just for this. Not only would I wear it at the game, I’d save some for later, wear it home, walk the dog wearing it, sit on the toilet wearing it, sleep standing up wearing it, wake the next day and shower wearing it, and have a productive following day wearing it, while snacking here and there. I would become the Nacho Hat Guy. I’d put down my sunroof and drive wearing it. I’d go to a funeral wearing it. I’d wear it everywhere.