My fantasy career goes back further than LeBron’s hairline, it’s Beddict – I pack more nuts than Delta Airlines. Greetings! Tis I, Tehol, back again and ready to wreck shizz! Yea!!! This is going to be my greatest post of all time, I can just feel it inside my beautifully sculpted bones. Wait, hold on a second…….. I just received a 911 text on my pager. What’s this? “Boy Toy Troy” Tulowitzki has a broken rib? He’s gonna be out 6 weeks you say? Well that’s just swell! Oh and Sky already grabbed Rutledge off waivers? I will pay any of you readers the equivalent to 500 dollars in man thongs for information on his whereabouts. Sky that is, not Tulo. I know Tulo is in the waiting room at his gynecologist at this very moment, but Sky’s a tough man to locate. Can Sky sue me for threatening him on razzball? Sue me for what? Man thongs? That’s basically the only possession of value I own besides my chicken, an extremely rare breed.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Learn more about our 2025 Fantasy Baseball Subscriptions!
The best daily/weekly player rankings/projections (hitters, starters, and relievers) for each of the next 7-10 days + next calendar week starting Friday. Kick-ass DFS lineup optimizer and projections for DraftKings, FanDuel, and Yahoo!.
I don’t have enough spam, give me the Razzball email newsletter!
Weekly Razzball news delivered straight to your inbox.
Looks like Troy Tulowitzki and Carlos Gonzalez are doing the DL Time Warp aaaaaagain. Then they started screaming for Dexter Fowler to do the DL Time Warp aaaaaagain. It’s just a dive to the left, a foul ball to the right, put your hands on your hips and yell, “Ow, that smarts!” Let’s do the DL Time Warp aaaaaagain. Let’s do the DL Time Warp aaaaaagain. You feel your knee get tight. You can’t make a pelvic thrust. Owning these guys really drives you insane. Let’s do the DL Time Warp aaaaaagain. As of right now, CarGo’s day-to-day after being pulled from the game with a bruised ankle after taking a foul ball off it from Pacheco. I’ve seen that game on Price is Right and don’t recall “Knock A Top 10 Hitter Out Of The Game” as one of the outcomes. Fowler’s day-to-day with a bruised finger after a poor attempt at a bunt. Using salt instead of sugar is also a poor attempt for a bundt. We’ll see on him. Meanwhile, Tulo’s got a broken rib. Shocker! Hopefully, he remembered his DL stamp card. He’s expected to miss 4-6 weeks. That’s two months in Tulo time. Hey, I told you to sell him. Of course, he’s hurt. When isn’t he hurt? Doode’s a joke. He broke a rib diving for a ball. Are you Mr. Glass? Sorry, if I’m not terribly sympathetic because this means… Josh Rutledge is back! The Rockies beat writer, who doesn’t write about beats, rhymes & life, but about baseball, said Rutledge was hitting the melons out baseballs down in Triple-A. I say he should’ve never been sent down! Walt Weiss thinks his team would be better with eight Brendan Ryans. Weiss should be the fielding coach for the Padres. Well, whatever, he sucks. Now, go pick up Rutledge! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?
So Donnie Baseball finally read all those free pamphlets that Mensa has been sending him. I mean it was written on the urinal wall next to that for a good time call, insert Nick Capozzi’s home phone number, message on your favorite swill factory you frequent.. Kenley Jansen takes over for the refuse dump, minus glasses, known as […]
Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Mystery of the Starling-Cut Desmond
June 13, 2013 | fantasy baseball keepers | 78 Commentsby: Terse
You’ll be surprised to know that on September 28, 2011, both good and bad things happened. I’m sure someone got married and someone got divorced and someone was born and someone died, and I’m sure somewhere someone was fired and someone hired, but, to be frank, I do not care about these people. Ex-girlfriends have made it fairly clear that I only really care about myself. Hopefully they’re not reading this because dem chicas was whack, yo — always asking for my attention and for kisses and hugs and love and stuff. I mean, C’MON. Did they have a point? Do they still? Maybe, but that doesn’t mean I want to change (not yet, at least), especially after my debauched trip to Costa Rica, which so happened to help end my fantasy baseball hopes, and which so happened to end on that fateful night in September.
Please, blog, may I have some more?
Pull Puig When Shoulder’s Tender
June 13, 2013 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 1,146 Commentsby: Grey
Yasiel Puig was scratched yesterday with a strained shoulder, suffering the injury during batting practice. Look at him, making himself feel right at home with the Dodgers. Next thing you know, he’s going to say Brandon League is their best reliever, run at 40% and leave before the eighth inning to beat the traffic. Let’s recap quickly, Puig took a fastball off his nose, wiped blood from his face and took first base. Then The Cuban did an interpretative dance with Kennedy’s whole team that he called “The Bay of Puig.” Finally, the next day, he hurts himself in batting practice. It’s like when Jean-Claude Van Damme beat the crap out of 47 bad guys, but stopped production on Timecop because the production assistant forget to bring his hair gel to set. “Van Damme be Van Damned if his hair isn’t coifed.” As of right now, there’s no word on how long Puig will be out, but hopefully this Puiggy doesn’t go wee, wee, wee all the way home. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?
One of the neat things about Negro League History is how fact turns to exaggeration; exaggeration to legend, and legend to myth.
Josh Gibson hit a scorching line drive which whizzed inches above the head of Satchel Paige. The ball wound up in the center field bleachers of Yankee Stadium, well over 500 feet in the distance. It has been said that Gibson once knocked a speaker off the roof of Comiskey Park. When Gibson was with the legendary Homestead Grays, he played Babe Ruth to Buck Leonard’s Lou Gehrig. Leonard, also immortalized at Cooperstown, stated that one time Josh hit a ball “out of existence.” There are many stories where the real truth of the tale is difficult to discern. But some things would be wonderful if they were true, and this nugget is certainly one of them.
Please, blog, may I have some more?
Minor Accomplishments: Week 10
June 12, 2013 | Fantasy Baseball Prospects | 128 Commentsby: Scott Evans
Last week’s draft poured a whole shizzload of new prospects into the realm of pro baseball, and damn near all of them carry zero fantasy relevance at the moment. Don’t let Harold Reynolds fool you. Mark Appel will not be pitching for the Astros this season. Also, Harold Reynolds is dumb. Appel, however, is one of a handful of draft prospects who could offer value to fantasy teams as soon as this time next year. And in a recent Scouting the Unknown series, I took a look at nine draft prospects who appeared destined to move quickly toward the bigs — the Michael Wacha/Kevin Gausman/Mike Zunino types of the 2013 draft. If you’re interested in that sort of thing, check out part 1, part 2, and part 3 by clicking those links.
Please, blog, may I have some more?
It’s here! This Friday, our friends at DraftKings are throwing their huge $100,000 Punch Out with the top winner nabbing $20K. If you haven’t been following our DraftKings posts and you’re new, DraftKings is an industry leading daily fantasy sports site, and they hold our very own RAZZBALL EXCLUSIVE CAN YOU BEAT RUDY GAMBLE contests where the top winner gets a ticket for that shot at 20K. You can only get in by clicking that link – it’s not open to the public! Unlike Grey’s Mustache Rides (LLC).
This week is a special feature on THURSDAY instead of Friday to not conflict with the $100K Punch Out. But even better, this time the top TWO spots get tickets into the Punch Out. And it doesn’t stop there. Spots 3-10 double up to $10.00 and 11-20 break even and get $5.00, almost DOUBLING the normal prize pool. This is the week to play Razzball Nation! The contest is capped at 50 entrants, and with the increase in payouts, I expect it to fill fast so sign up soon! If you read only bold all caps words, that should be enough to spark your interest, or so our marketing crack team tells me…
Please, blog, may I have some more?The Mariners don’t play no mess. That’s their motto, and not the oft-cited mottoes, “F-Her and pray for rain,” or “Put the fences on wheels, so we can move them in when we’re at-bat and out when the other team is,” or “If we trade Chris Tillman and Adam Jones for Erik Bedard, we’ll have more seats empty to fill the stadium with recliners.” With the “don’t play no mess” motto in full-mode, they brought up Mike Zunino. A catcher bat like Zunino only comes once in a lifetime (the lifetime is that of a guinea pig that is being cared for by a 12-year-old, so the lifespan is about 18 months. Remember, because age is rounded down to the last birthday, on average guinea pigs live a half year beyond their final birthday. They live as zombies. Zombie guinea pigs are all around us. Now, I’m scared.) Sure, the last once in a lifetime catcher bat after Buster Posey and Matt Wieters also played for the Mariners. You remember, it was the Jesus who couldn’t catch or hit but could walk on water with the best of them. So, after turning to Jesus twice (Montero, Sucre), the Mariners are now turning to Rookie Zuninookie. BTW, Sucre is sugar, and Zunino sounds like Mexican artificial sweetener. You might remember Mike Zunino from such Scott, our prospect writer, sentences as, “.360/.447/.689 between Low-A and Double-A,” “The third overall pick this past June has been simply incredible since signing,” and my favorite, “His tools profile suggests he’ll eventually develop into a very nice big league catcher, and one you’ll want in fantasy leagues, but most people around baseball don’t see the Travis D’Arnaud/Jesus Montero/Devin Mesoraco-type ceiling with Zunino,” which came when he ranked him 44th in the top 50 fantasy baseball prospects. Not to get all Chinese Calendary on you, but 2013 isn’t going to the Year of the Incoming Catcher. Zunino’s chances of making a huge impact seem slim to anorexic. The path to fantasy value for a catcher isn’t a Sunday drive down the Henry Hudson for Will Smith in the movie, Hancock. If Zunino blows away my projections, he gets 15 homers and a .260 average. More likely, he gets 7-10 homers and a .240 average. You can probably do better. Look at me having faith in you! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?
Hitter-Tron Improvements – June 2013
June 11, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Baseball Draft | 27 Commentsby: Rudy Gamble
Based on feedback we received, I have made the following updates to Hitter-Tron – both the daily leagues version as well as the 7-day/weekly league version of Hitter-Tron. These changes went live late this afternoon: Added a second $ estimate ($U) which reflects a player’s value independent of position. This is the $ value to use […]
Please, blog, may I have some more? The Razzball Podcast — The One Where Comedian Steve Byrne Drops By
June 11, 2013 | All Podcasts | 585 Commentsby: Grey
JayWrong hijacks the podcast in protest of Steve Byrne of TBS’s Sullivan and Son coming on the podcast because his Razzball contract states that he’s the “official” half Irish-half Korean podcast guest. However, Steve quickly showed why JayWrong shouldn’t abandon his post for too long because in the ever-changing world of multimedia, the tides change quickly. Just look at how fast the environment changed compared to Al Gore’s use of PowerPoint. Brooksie from Shawshank would be totally lost. SteveWrong? Maybe if he’s not too careful. The “he” in that sentence can be read as either JayWrong or SteveWrong. Oh, and check out Season 2 of Sullivan and Son which airs this Thursday…Well, I was gonna say the time, but no one watches anything live, so set your DVR and watch whenever. Rudy joins the show and explains why the Hitter-Tron is so valuable right now. People have gotten accustom to streaming pitchers, but there’s a market inefficiency right now for streaming hitters — take advantage. I think if you’re not using the Stream-o-Nator or Hitter-Tron you’re using Razzball 1.0 and we’re rolling with 3.0. Soon, when you open the site, it’s gonna say, “You’ve got mail.” Hey, curve, we’re ahead of you. Also Rudy promises to provide documentation to figure out how to use all the tools optimally. I guess he doesn’t realize everyone would prefer he just do a tutorial on YouTube. Who reads docs? I don’t even have time to spell out the whole word for docs. Then I come on to talk about Bobby Brown and Suge Knight. Anyway, here’s the Razzball podcast (now with SteveWrong):
Please, blog, may I have some more?
That’s a Shame (Bold Predictions) is the new overall leader after gaining in the standings for the sixth consecutive week, dropping the mauledbypandas team (Josh Hamilton’s Fake Stache) down to second. Both teams drafted Miguel Cabrera with the number 1 pick back in March. That’s a Shame followed Miggy with Adam Jones and Jay Bruce, and grabbed Adam Wainwright in the fifth round for their first pitcher. Everth Cabrera in the 19th has given great value, hitting .299 with 31 runs, 24 RBI, and 28 stolen bases. TAS almost took top team honors for the third time this season with fine hitting (.299/41 Runs/13 HR/44 RBI/12 SB) and pitching (7 Wins/60 K/2.49/1.17/8 Saves) numbers. Check out the new and improved Master Standings (you can also access them via the Leagues menu up top) to see where your team ranks in comparison to the other 767 teams through Sunday. The page now includes sortable stats.
Please, blog, may I have some more?
Razzball.com and the Razzball logo units are copyright Razzball LLC.