MLB Stops One Short Of A Three Martini Launch

As I peer out over the green grass fields, I’m reminded of my youth. A wee boy with eyes watering, scratching because I wanted the baseball to be played so badly. I was fiending and overheated! I was The Rock but obsessed with baseball, “Can you smell what the verdant is cooking!?” I yelled at the open grass fields. It was only later I realized that what I was feeling was hay fever and I needed baseball to be played so, when they would watered the field, it tamped down the pollen. Yet, over-the-internet friend with a Claritin in hand, I still long for those glorious days. It’s likely psychosomatic at this point, but details! Details! With the beginning of baseball, spring is anew and so are our fantasy baseball teams. And now that brief nostalgia and optimism is gone, because we have actual games and everything is 1000% blown out of proportion. Dubya tee eff, Royce Lewis! What the what, Nick Martini?! Oh God, Oneil Cruz (1-for-5 and his 1st homer) is hitting 6th?! Why?! Oh, he was facing a lefty. Okay. But still! No! Stop it! I promised myself I wouldn’t overreact to one day of baseball, but can someone give Derek Shelton an exit row seat on a Boeing plane? I want to test something. Oh, and Oneil Cruz is a GOLDEN GOD he needs to hit leadoff every game! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche! One further ado, this season’s first Buy/Sell is now available on our Patreon. It will be posted early on the Patreon all year, so sign up for that. It will also be up at 12 PM PST today, assuming the site doesn’t crash again. Sorry about that yesterday, clearly out of our control. It bummed us out as much as you. Sincerely, eff you, spammers. Anyway II, the roundup:

Jesus Luzardo – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks. Only blemish was a Bryan Reynolds (2-for-5, 2 RBIs) homer. I would like it more if Luzardo didn’t demand Nick Fortes as his personal catcher, because I’m rostering Bethancourt in leagues, and not because Bethancourt sounds like a Real Housewife.

Mitch Keller – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. Watched most of this game, and Keller looked bad (who am I, Anne Sullivan?), but just as it’s only one game for hitters. Patience, mint-flavored cocktail.

Edward Olivares – 1-for-1 and his 1st homer. Sonavabench! Can my players not do anything when they’re not starting?

Edouard Julien – 1-for-2 as he didn’t start vs. a lefty. Baldelli is going to make me bald because of pulling my hair out, and I have a luscious head of hair!

Maikel Garcia – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, as he hit leadoff. Trying not to overreact to one day’s worth of lineups, but I love this development if it stays.

Cole Ragans – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks. He was my Bust call of the season. Though, this wasn’t a bad start — good time to sell!

Anthony DeSclafani – Hit the 60-day IL. Disco is dead, and DeSclafani ain’t doing so good either. Don’t mind it for my Varland shares!

Royce Lewis – Hit his 1st homer, and left the game with a quad injury. Oh my God, that’s Royce Lewis’s music!

Christian Encarnacion-Strand – 0-for-4 as he hit 3rd. Mean’s while, Elly (1-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st steal) hit sixth. You Elly owners worried yet or nah? No? Yeah, a steal will temper your mood on his lineup placement, but he needs to get out of the six hole to have anywhere close to the value he had going in the preseason.

Frankie Montas – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks. Streamonator loved this start, and hates his next one, and I don’t disagree. Our first Streamonator call! Woohoo!

Nick Senzel – Late scratch with “being Nick Senzel.” Oh, wait, he broke his thumb before the start of play. Hold up, that’s the same as “being Nick Senzel.”

Eddie Rosario – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Super boring, but he super-boring’d his way to a top 45 outfielder year last year.

Josiah Gray – 4 IP, 7 ER. Has a former Dodgers’ prospect ever done well after they’ve trade him? I’ll wait.

Nick Martini – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer, as he DH’d vs. a righty. I’ll drink to that! Wow, Martini is on pace for 324 homers! Martini won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he could’ve been. We have our first hot schmotato!

Adolis Garcia – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. What’s legitimately hilarious? No one wants Adolis until the season actually starts, then everyone is like, “Oh, yeah, he’s great.”

Adbert Alzolay – 1 IP, 1 ER, and a home run to a lefty, which seems to be Alzolay’s vulnerability. Achilles had his heel, and Alzolay has people who need the weird scissors. Might be a good idea to stash Neris.

Justin Steele – Sounds headed to the IL after straining his hamstring trying to field. Pitchers are incredible. They do something 99.9% of us can’t do by throwing the ball hard or walking literally five feet to pick up a ball. Fielding? A pitcher? Are you crazy?

Walker Buehler – Dave Roberts says Buehler’s ahead of schedule. One of those preseason picks I wish I could’ve done over again. He was going so cheap for what he can do in five months of pitching. Was a bad call to not draft him. Every draft, I kept seeing Buehler, Buehler, Buehler, and not responding.

Mookie Betts – 1-for-2, 3 runs and his 2nd homer. Also, in this game, Freddie Freeman (2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 1st homer. While, Tyler Glasnow (6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks) shut down the Cards. Serious question: Do you start anyone vs. the Dodgers?

Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-4 and 1st homer. Au Shizz!

Garrett Crochet – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks. Oh, I didn’t voluntarily watch the White Sox, but the results look damn good for Crochet. Might be worth a pickup or a cyclops with a monocle, at worst. Maybe he goes 1-18/3.20/1.12/140 in 120 IP.

Tarik Skubal – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks. He faced the White Sux.

Jason Foley – 2/3 IP, 0 ER, and his 1st save. Foley? Detroit? Is this a tie-in with the new Beverly Hills Cop? How about Axel Lange–sorry, Alex Lange? So, I honestly am not sure what happened here, maybe it’s a timeshare. At this point, I’d hold both, Axel/Foley.

Nestor Cortes – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Yanks’ Opening Day starter is likely their best starter. I’m not being sarcastic.

Oswaldo Cabrera – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Don’t worry, the Yanks acquired Berti to get O-Cab out of the lineup. A very smart organization.

Framber Valdez – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 hits, 6 walks, 5 Ks. I point out the walks in the line when they matter. This was an incredibly bad start by Framber.

Anthony Santander – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. Yes, it’s one game, but he was also going way too cheaply in drafts.

Cedric Mullins – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. My bigger problem with him is he tries to elevate everything. Call him Otis.

Corbin Burnes – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 11 Ks. Faced the Anaheim Trouts and only got hit by the Mike.

Patrick Sandoval – 1 2/3 IP, 3 ER. Bad time to stop sniffing glue, blow, whatever you’re sniffing, Ron Washington.

Mike Trout – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. When you have only 110 games to get all your stats, each game matters!

Miguel Sano – 0-for-2 as he hit 7th. I wish everyone who was suddenly becoming aware of lineups and starters right now would remember that feeling next preseason when they’re looking at Spring Training lineups and thinking they’re any indication of what’s to come. I like Roster Resource as much as the next person, but it’s just one person guessing, like the rest of us. Spend four months doing projected lineups and starters, then managers open the season with a lineup no one’s seen all preseason. Rather than guess, just use our Lineups Tool and see who is actually starting vs. guessing who will. Angels’ lineup was a thing of beauty, if you’ve hit your head and forgot what the word beauty means. Rendon and Hicks as their one-two hitters. Just vomited in my mouth and spit it on the ground where my vomit spelled out, “Gross.” Smart vomit right there. Guess the bright side is the more looks Rendon and Hicks get the more chances for an injury. Oh, and about those Luis Rengifo shares:

Me all draft season: Luis Rengifo has all that position eligibility! He can’t miss!

Me on Opening Day: Apparently, Rengifo’s versatility is best served on the bench

— Razzball (@Razzball) March 28, 2024

George Springer – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Based on literally nothing: Vets do better in April.

Jose Berrios – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. During every draft this was me, “Oh, boy, the War Room wants me to draft Jose Berrios five rounds before his ADP.”

Cavan Biggio – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 1st homer. “I told you to let it hit you, but hit it!” That’s Craig Biggio.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 1-for-5 and his 1st homer. Cake Batter keeping it moist by self-saucing!

Zach Eflin – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER. More like Effin!

Yandy Diaz – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. He had a huge April/May last year, and maybe he’ll have a huge April/May this year, but it’s also one game. Breathe, people, breathe.

Yu Darvish – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. Logan Webb – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. This matchup was billed as Yu/Webb, which is also the worst Canal Street knockoff of Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse.

Michael Conforto – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 1st homer. Conforto is the season’s 2nd schmotato. Sorry, had a business lunch and Martini beat him to it.

Marco Luciano – Optioned to the minors. Listen, he kinda sucks, but opting for Nick Ahmed at short is, well, shortsighted.

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 1st homer, as the DBags put up 16 runs. Yeah, but it was vs. the Rockies in…Oh, they were in Arizona. Hunh, well, the Rockies’ pitching looks like it’s pitching in Coors everywhere.

Ezequiel Tovar – 0-for-4. Why is he hitting 7th? Did Bud Black lose a bet with a lobotomist?

Mitch Haniger – 2-for-3, and his 1st homer. Mitch don’t kill my vibe!

Brayan Bello – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks. Results are usually underrated, so I’m just gonna put it out there: Bello’s stuff looks like he should have much better results.

Rafael Devers – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Devers delivers; his name is in there.

Tyler O’Neill – 1-for-3, 2 runs and our very first slam (1) and legs (1) of the season. Should’ve been more aggressive drafting O’Neill this year. Damn, he’s gonna eat in Boston. This game wasn’t even in Boston and he’s eating! Tyler goes into a new city and becomes the worst cast-mate of the Real World everywhere he goes, because he is living and eating rent free! In Seattle? He’s Stephen from The Real World: Seattle, living and eating rent-free in Irene’s head throwing her teddy bear into the water like it ain’t no thang!