With Javier Baez lost for the year — *pours out a bottle of Johnson & Johnson baby oil for the sexy one we lost* — the Cubs called up shortstop, Nico Hoerner (3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs). And the internet exploded. Everywhere I looked for a good 45 minutes (long in internet minutes), I saw things about Nico Hoerner. “Reinforcements on the way!” one Chicago sportswriter announced exuberantly. Another exclaimed, “Hoerner is here to save the season!” A third declared they were, “Hoernier than ever,” though they might’ve just typed a search term into their tweet. Then I looked at Hoerner’s Double-A numbers — 3 HRs, 8 SBs, .284 in 70 games — and I giggled a little. Hoerner is the Cubs’ top prospect, which is more of an indictment about the Cubs’ farm system. He doesn’t strike out, and possesses decent on-base skills, so maybe some short-term value. He should play short since karma knocked Addison Russell in the head and Baez is out, even if Ben Zobrist is playing after just recovering from a five-month divorce, which was initiated because his wife was jealous of how much Maddon loves him. You can cyclops Hoerner or try him, but him or, say, Starlin Castro? Semper Fidelis Castro. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Nicholas Castellanos – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer. This was an interesting stat I saw about The Greek God of Hard Contact. His launch angle on the Cubs is 15; his launch angle on the Tigers was negative-twelve, which is the same to a swinging a French fry laden with mozzarella cheese and gravy.
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 35th homer, hitting .234. Ya know what Schwarber feels like? A guy you draft early next year because he hit 40 homers this year, then, during the 1st week of next season, he’s inexplicably platooned and you’re like, “Wha’ happened?”
Kyle Lewis – Called up by the Mariners. He only reached Double-A — 11 HRs, 3 SBs, .263 in 122 games — and appears to be nothing but an AL-Only flyer. Speaking of flyers (check out this segue), Mallex might lose even more playing time. Or, heaven forbid, Braden Bishop, who the M’s are supposedly annoyed with because he only moves diagonally.
Mike Trout – Out a few days after undergoing a cryoablation procedure on his foot. Have we learned nothing from Antonio Brown? Don’t be freezing people’s feet!
Albert Pujols – 1-for-4 and his 22nd homer. Official game-clock keeper timed Pujols’s home run trot at “one episode of Young Sheldon.”
Jason Kipnis – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .249. Has multi-hit games in his last three games, and could be a little risin’ schmotato.
Yu Chang – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. David Bowie’s Ghost hovering over Angel Stadium, “Time may Chang Yu, but Yu can’t Chang time.”
Shane Bieber – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.17. I only made one trade all year. Have you heard about it? You have? Well, let me tell you again. Here, sit on my lap. Metaphorically, you weirdo! I traded Kenley Jansen for Shane Bieber. On my team, Bieber has 62 1/3 IP, 2.60 ERA, 1.03 WHIP and 75 Ks with 4 wins. On the other team *cough* Donkey Teeth’s team *cough* Kenley has 4 saves and a 4.50 ERA.
Ronald Acuna Jr. – 1-for-3, 3 runs, and his 38th homer. Tildaddy says the remote control is lost forever!
Josh Donaldson – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 37th homer, hitting .262. If you owned Donaldson this year, you are living right. Nice karma, you sumsabeech. I feel like that’s the whole Braves team this year; they are some lucky sumsabeeches.
Mike Foltynewicz – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.00. Not sure if Faultystretchandbobbitowitz looking like he was going to throw a no-hiter in Philly is either a bug or a feature. Actually, I don’t know what “bug or feature” even means, but I hear people I think sound smart say it. “Are tax cuts a bug or feature? Great thoughts, okay, now for the market report.” Yeah, that meant nothing, but it sounded smart and you were like, “Damn, Grey is smart eh-eff!” Since Faultysanandreaswitz returned from his injury he’s been solid for ERA, but his peripherals are still not back anywhere near where they were last year and I think he’s a bug not a feature of MLB pitching, i.e., I don’t really trust him yet, if I’m being honest, and, oddly enough, I am. Also, I’m just about at the point where everyone is a Streamonator call.
Corey Dickerson – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .304. Might be misremembering this, but I think Dickerson is the only Phillie bat doing anything in the last three weeks.
Cesar Hernandez – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .280, and 2nd homer in the last three games. Be surprised if he went full-schmotato, but he does seem like he’s heating up. Maybe that’s why Cesar doesn’t have gotchies on under his toga.
Gio Urshela – 2-for-4 and his 19th homer. As mentioned yesterday, not sure if Urshela will play every day, actually it seems doubtful. By the way, Urshela has 19 homers — he came into this year as a five-homer guy!
Mike Tauchman – Out six to eight weeks with a calf strain. Buh-buh-buh-buh-BUT Transformers don’t have calfs!
James Paxton – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.96 vs. Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.73. If you would’ve told me this was going to be a pitcher’s duel at any point before it was actually a pitcher’s duel, I would’ve laughed right in your face. Then, I would’ve apologized, then quickly said, “I’m not really sorry.” Did everyone check out, including hitters, and move onto fantasy football? Not cool, all you Cousin Sweatpantses. (Sweatpantii?)
Mike Fiers – 1 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 3.97. I’m forming a prayer hexagon that you didn’t get seduced into starting Fiers, due to his two-start week. I am a praying hands emoji on top of a Vatican special commemorative emoji that you didn’t get in on Fiers. Please, I’m worried for you. Just do a welfare check and tell me you’re okay.
Robinson Chirinos – 3-for-4, 6 RBIs and his 16th and 17th homer. Uh-oh, no, really, uh-oh, Chirinos!
Alex Bregman – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 35th homer, hitting .299. ‘Member when you didn’t want to draft Bregman because his elbow was bothering him in February? Oopsie!
Michael Brantley – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 21st homer, hitting .323. If I’m being honest, I feel like I can’t go in on Brantley now because as soon as I do, he will collapse. Similar fear to Donaldson.
Jose Altuve – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer, hitting .307. The Astros are the 1st team to have no pitchers allow any runs while scoring 15 runs per game for a month. Okay, made it up, but it sounded true, didn’t it?
Pete Alonso – 2-for-4 and his 46th and 47th homer, hitting .270. All the bombs, so Albombso!
Jacob deGrom – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.70. He’s so money that he didn’t seem so money this year and he was still so money. Nah’mean?
Seth Lugo – 2 IP, 0 ER, zero baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.79, and his 5th save. He’s been one of the best pickups of the season by me in a 12-team league — 11.5 K/9, 2.0 BB/9, heading for a 100 Ks season in the relief. On the Player Rater, he’s been better than Carlos Martinez, Ken Giles, Edwin Diaz (dur), Giovanny Gallegos, and Shane Greene, to name a few.
Wilmer Flores – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer, hitting .320. Received a standing ovation when he first came to bat, then less so after homering off deGrom. As I always say, “It’s all fun and games until your Capri Sun has no straw and Wilmer homers off deGrom.”
Merrill Kelly – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.68. Two straight decent bungos (that’s what I’m calling starts now), and the Streamonator likes Kelly’s next start (I’m done calling them bungos).
Jordan Lyles – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.38. His ERA on the Pirates was 5.36; his ERA on the Brewers is under-2.50. “This guy seems like a real bum,” said Ray Searage on his podcast, Pitch To Contact Or GTFO.
Hernan Perez – 1-for-5, 1 run, hitting .238. Is it me or do you also sing Hernan to, “Turn on your heartlight?” Hernan, your heartlight! No? Guess it’s me.