Tampa Finally Acquires An Age-Appropriate Player In Cruz

At 41 years of age, thus begins Nelson Cruz‘s 2nd act where he becomes a lights-out reliever. You might be thinking, why would the Rays trade for Nelson Cruz? Well, MLB announced a Silver Fox Program where they will give money to seniors who need caretakers, so the Rays can get a $25/week stipend. “Eat your stewed carrots, Nelson.” “Not now, Brett Phillips! I’m up at-bat!” Wait until Nelson Cruz gets a load of Yandy Diaz’s 34-inch pythons and -4 Launch Angle. He’s gonna be like, “Yo, Yandy, have you considered upper cutting a tad?” Nelson Cruz about to make himself and Yandy better. So, Nelson Cruz was traded to the Rays for Joe Ryan and Drew Strotman. I’ll leave those to Prospect Itch to go over. Though, the Rays do seem to just wave their hand and say, “You will give us what we want,” like they’re Obi Wan. As for Cruz’s new fantasy value? C’mon. He’s 41, and can hit it out of Yellowstone. No new value. Cruz hasn’t had something new since he got an earring in 1987 when he was running with the Brat Pack. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Yandy Diaz – 4-for-5, 2 runs and his 6th homer. See! Nelson Cruz is already helping him! Told you! Someone commented yesterday that Austin Meadows would lose his DH job and get benched behind Cruz, and I’m not sure if they were serious, or kidding on Kevin Cash, but, holy crap, Cash is going to bench Meadows now, isn’t he? Well, hopefully he benches Brett Phillips.

Luis Patino – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.26. If he’s going to take seven starts to ‘get good’ like Shane McClanahan, I don’t really have time for it. With that said, Streamonator says he’s home for the next start, and that’s usually better, but it’s vs. the Sawx, which sux.

Franmil Reyes – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .264. Man, I love this giant steak machine. He is so fun to watch.

Mitch Garver – Out on paternity leave. His balls have had a whirlwind year!

Miguel Sano – 1-for-3, 1 run and his 1st steal. Well, half a steal. I’m going to be petitioning Fantrax to count a half steal towards Nelson Cruz too:

Honoring my friend by wearing his pants https://t.co/7VwpbBl6Sl

— Razzball (@Razzball) July 23, 2021

Justin Upton – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. You better not harsh my Marsh.

Andrew Heaney – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.32. No Garver, no Cruz, no Buxton, no nothing. I don’t trust Heaney at all. If you wanna trust Heaney, by all means. And if you’re having Siri read you this post, I didn’t just say, “Buy all Means,” as in John.

Nick Castellanos – Could be sidelined for a few weeks. Well, he could be sidelined for a month, but since he has a microfracture, the Reds are choosing to say his timetable in weeks. Any hoo! The GGOATOAT could see increased playing time and the GGOATOAT GOT power. If none of this makes sense, you’re likely better off, but look to Aristides Aquino if you need HRs.

Franchy Cordero – Was called up. *throws computer out the window in excitement* FRANCHY CALLED UP?! The hottest sleeper since Rip Van Winkle! By the way, how awful did Rip Van Winkle smell after all that sleeping? More like Rip Van Stinkle. Ha, save your high fives for when I see you. I have to go retrieve my computer.

Tanner Houck – 4 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 2 walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.50. Whoa, this guy looked good. Like a splitting image of Chris Sale. But young and healthy and from the other side. Not that the Yankees’ lineup is great, but he was throwing sliders that they were swinging at and the pitch would hit them, or come close. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he could’ve been. He’s no worse than, say, Josiah Gray, and likely better.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .260. Boone announced Giancarlo would play some outfield in the coming weeks. Because Boone wants him to get outfield eligibility for fantasy leagues or he wants him to get hurt so he can get him out of the Yanks’ lineup? Hard to say.

Chad Green – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.06, and a blown save. Michael Kay said something like, “It’s a shocker Florial didn’t get over quick enough on a Kiké double,” which caused the tying run to score in the 9th. Some big-brained analysis blaming the centerfielder on a ball bouncing around in left as the 54-year-old Gardner motor-scooters over to the ball, and Green gave up the double. Beginning to think the Yanks’ pen is too much of a mess right now to risk. Full disclosure, I had Green in my afternoon Buy, but am strongly considering removing him.

Jordan Montgomery – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.96. Granted, haven’t watched a ton of JoMo, but since I was watching the Sawx game, I will say JoMo looked solid as well, against an admittedly tougher lineup than Houck was facing. But Tanner’s Houcking awesome! Any hoo! Streamonator loves JoMo’s next.

Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. Can’t believe I was able to find this piece of the Shroud of Turin on that expedition in Egypt. I’ll frame it and bring it to the Natural History Museum tomorrow; tonight, I’m gonna leave it by this open window–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!

Dylan Carlson – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .259, as he hits leadoff. This was his 2nd homer in four games, and he now has two homers every month, except three in April. Um, yay for consistency?

Kwang-Hyun Kim – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.88. Dylan Bundy on the Cards would be a 1.75 ERA pitcher. A 72-year-old Wainwright will be a 3.50 ERA pitcher. Cardinals don’t have bad pitchers. I’m convinced of this.

Adbert Alzolay – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.58. Alzolay on the Cards would have a 2.50 ERA.

Austin Nola – 0-for-3, hitting .204, as he was activated from the IL. He has one homer on the year and his brother, Aaron, might be having a better year with the bat than him.

Blake Snell – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.93. Snell, who is terrible on the road, was facing the terrible everywhere Marlins in Miami, and we found out who was worse between the moveable object and the easy-to-resist force.

Dansby Swanson – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .234. Dansby’s trying to get named a sleeper five years in a row, isn’t he?

Orlando Arcia – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Love that the Braves are ‘buyers’ at the deadline, but it is slightly hilarious they think they have a chance with an outfield of Joc Pederson, Orlando Arcia and Guillermo Heredia.

Yermin Mercedes – After a six and half hour retirement, Yermin decided he couldn’t stay away from the game he loved. At a press conference, surrounded by his wife and Phil Jackson, Yermin said he’s coming back. Yermin coming back way sooner than expected is like every single White Sox player this year.

Chris Flexen – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.35. Being one of the best pitchers in July is a weird Flexen, but okay. He has, though. Been one of the best. It’s time to dig in! *looks at his peripherals* Oh geez. Seriously? I wish I never looked. I liked him better when I thought he was just a great pitcher. So, do the M’s make one of these no Ks, no walks, ratio kings a thing every year? Obviously, he keeps getting started until he’s not good, but his perfs are pretty meh.

Sean Manaea – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 3.16. Two words: Facing Mariners.

Will Smith – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. 30-day Player Rater updates after I post, so not sure how it will shake out, but right now Will Smith and Haase are neck-and-neck with which catcher has been the best over the last month.

Kenley Jansen – 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.05, 5th blown save, 3rd blown save in three games, and 8 ER in the last 2 IP. Man, when these guys go sideways they go full-on, diagonal down the back of your leg after eating rancid sushi and can’t get to a bathroom. So, I grabbed Blake Treinen in every league I could.

Eric Haase – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. Gonna go back to what I said the first time I talked about him, “Haase has big-time power. He’s a 70-grade power guy, who hit 28 HRs in 102 minor league games in 2019.” And that’s me quoting me! I said that shizz on May 28th. He’s been the best catcher since then (or Will Smith). The BEST (OR WILL SMITH)! Caps for emphasis, not due to keyboard malfunction. Haase won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he should’ve been picked up six weeks ago.

Victor Reyes – 1-for-1, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, a game after a four-hit game. Okay, Rangers truly suck, right? The Tigers didn’t just become the 1927 Tigers, did they?

Zack Short – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Maybe Zack’s Short for a hot schmo. Hilariously (maybe just to me), Cougs texted me nearly at the exact same time he homered:

I thought she was watching the Tigers game, and I was, like, wait, does she secretly play fantasy baseball? Did she accidentally text me this and she meant to text someone else who is secretly helping her play fantasy baseball to beat me in a league? Who is secretly helping my wife? Is it Andy Behrens?! That bastard! Then I realized our friend, Zach, made a short and it got into the Toronto International Film Festival.