Brandon Nimmo for Fantasy Baseball

“What a bunch of ribbies!” I exclaim as the chef at Tony Roma’s doffs his chef’s hat. I then tell the chef that it should be RsBI because it’s runs batted in and I’m escorted out of the restaurant. Joke’s on you, my pockets are filled with corn niblets! Lucky I didn’t tell him RBI should only abbreviate Ron Ben-Israel, the host of Sweet Genius on Netflix. So, Brandon Nimmo (4-for-6, 4 runs, 9 RBIs) hit his 5th and 6th homer, knocking in 9 Ron Ben-Israels. Nimmo found one! Nimmo found two! Nimmo found nine! Mets found 19! Nimmo stinks, by the way. Just hasn’t been good. Going back to last year’s All-Star game, hitting .190, prior to this game. That was in 88 games. But, of course, if this is Nimmo coming out of it, I’m not about to kick a schmotato pickup out of bed. Lots get sloppy seconds, thirds, fourths…ninths with ribbies! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jeff McNeil – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer of the season. If the return of McNeil made you say, “Yes! My fantasy team has a chance now!” It’s a wrap, you need to start thinking about keepers.

Mark Vientos – 2-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. That homer was off Amed Rosario, and if we can just get Vientos to face more position players. Hoo boy, watch out!

Griffin Canning – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.61. Streamonator doesn’t love his next one, but no one has ever scored off the Jeremy Hefner-led Mets’ pitching staff. He’s Dave Duncan mixed with Leo Mazzone. Call him Rocking Daveo Mazzcan.

James Wood – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. Nats were beat so bad Wood hit a garbage time home run, and so did Nathaniel Lowe (1-for-4, 5th homer) because the Mets just didn’t care. We should have a glossary term for a garbage time home run like this. Up or down by more than ten and a guy hits a home run. Please suggest in the comments.

Riley Greene – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer, hitting .234. One of his homers went 363 feet and barely made it into the Crawford Boxes—wait, is it still the Crawford Boxes or did they change that too when they changed the stadium name in Houston? It’s now Daikon Stadium, and those seats are the Cabbage Patch? That makes Riley Greene a Cabbage Patch Doll? I am holding the button for Siri to answer and she’s ignoring me.

Kerry Carpenter – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .270. I like Carpenter and the Tigers are fun; they get $1.05 out of every dollar, so don’t take this the wrong way, but Carpenter’s OBP is .298 and he’s the leadoff guy? As my dog, Ted, would say, woof.

Jack Flaherty – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.34. In case you were wondering, Flaherty is still managing to have top five starter peripherals, while not quite pitching as one for the stats that matter.

Ronel Blanco – 5 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.08. In case Flaherty’s blurb had you wondering, no, Blanco’s peripherals are not good. But neither is his ERA, so there’s that!

Jose Altuve – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .282, and will be hitting 2nd for the foreseeable future. Altuve told Astros’ manager Espada that Pena is a better leadoff hitter. Wow, might be the first time this is ever said, but it sounds like Altuve was the bigger person.

Christian Walker – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. His buy low window could close suddenly or stay open all year and be breezy. I’m kinda 50/50 on either scenario.

Hunter Goodman – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .256. With Coors in the summer and him playing every day, either at catcher or DH, Goodman still feels like a solid catcher for all leagues.

Jarred Kelenic – Optioned to the minors for Eddie Rosario. Kelenic’s roommate in the minors will be Acuña. Awkward! [cue The Odd Couple theme song] Acuña did welcome Kelenic to the minor leagues with a bag of poop that he lit on fire for him. A welcome home gesture in many parts of the world, I’m told. Interestingly, the Braves issued Rosario the uniform number, 2021.

Gavin Williams – 2 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.14. This was a week I fell into the trap of starting a lot of guys I don’t necessarily love just because they had two starts. Pray for me this weekend when they all go again.

Bailey Ober – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.13. I’d bet my entire bank account ($43) that Ober finishes the year with a sub-4 ERA.

Ryan Jeffers – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .257. Jeffers on the board! (Of New York City laundromat owners.)

Edouard Julien – 1-for-5 and his 2nd homer, hitting .213. When your worst hitter is also your leadoff hitter, I feel like Baldelli needs a “Come to Jesus” moment, and hopefully Jesus is carrying walking papers.

Nick Martinez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.68 vs. Andre Pallante – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.13. This matchup was billed as, “I don’t know, what does the Streamonator say?”

Jose Trevino – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, hitting .323, as he was hitting 9th. I’d like to see more managers just be like, “This guy is hitting .323? Eff it, he’s hitting 2nd, I don’t care if he’s a schmohawk.”

Tyler Glasnow – Hit the IL with shoulder inflammation. Last year, it was elbow and lower back. In 2023, it was oblique. In 2022, it was TJ recovery. In 2021, it was Tommy John. In 2019, it was forearm. In 2018, it was getting roughed up after a Brixton crew thought he was Tommy Shelby.

Teoscar Hernandez – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 3rd homer in as many games. Teoscar is criminally underrated. Guy’s gonna go 35/110/.270 and people actually drafted Freeman in front of him.

Dustin May – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.95. It is comical to me that the Dodgers spent $1.2 billion and have only three starters.

Nick Kurtz – Did not play because the A’s faced lefty, Patrick Corbin (4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.79). This is the 2nd time in a week Kurtz took a seat because of Corbin. Last time someone had to sit down this much when Corbin was involved was the Lerner family when they heard how much they paid Corbin to pitch.

JP Sears – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.94. Hol’ up, Sears’s ERA is WUT. Wow, his peripherals don’t look too bad either. 8 K/9 (meh-ish), 1.6 BB/9 (noice) and a 3.53 FIP (let’s go). His homers allowed will be an issue in Bing Bong Stadium, and he’s looking like a Road Scholar.

Mason Miller – 1 IP, 0 ER, 9th save, ERA at 1.64. He’s faced 40 hitters this year, and has K’d 22 of them. Ha.

Will Warren – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.63. Hopefully, you were smarter than me and didn’t get roped into the “Ooh, look at the two start week! How bad could it be?” Ugh, I just looked at the Streamonator to see if it’s going to get much better, and now I have a headache.

Ryan O’Hearn – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .300. People were grabbing Kurtz off FAAB for $300+, and he did not play. Mean’s while, I grabbed O’Hearn for basically free. [blows on knuckles, self-satisfyingly rubs knuckles on shirt, notices I had ketchup on my knuckles] Ugh.

Tomoyuki Sugano – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Eight Ks in five innings from him is basically his Kerry Wood 20-strikeout game.

Jordan Westburg – Hit the IL with a strained hamstring. Orioles need a fumigation.

Kyle Gibson – Will make season debut on Tuesday. That’ll fix the Orioles! Saw an article with the title something like, “Is it time to panic yet for the Orioles?” Panic? Psst! Hadn’t you heard? They have Kyle Gibson! Pretty funny to think anyone would be panicking now. When they realized they were going into the season with Charlie Morton as their #2, that was the time to panic. They should be at least on the third stage of grief by now. What’s that, bargaining? Crap, they don’t bargain, they take their prospects and go down with the ship.