MLB Makes A Slap-Flash Decision

In what seemed like a meaningless spring training game, Dee Gordon bunted and it landed 12 feet from home plate.  The announcer said, “Wow, didn’t think that was going to make it out of the batter’s box”  And an investigation began.   Dee Gordon, unaware, of the investigation continued to use exogenous Testosterone and Clostebol, two performance-enhancing substances.  Later in spring, he knocked a single that fell just out of the 2nd baseman’s reach.  That ball, it was said, looked like a 47-footer.  It went 57 feet.  Another shot, sailed just over the pitcher’s mitt, and just before the 2nd base bag.  Gordon raced to 1st, and everyone looked around, “That was a half-a-pede.”  That’s baseball jargon for a 50-footer.  So, Dee Gordon will be out for the next 80 games, call him The Suspended Splinter.  Sure glad I bought him in my Tout Wars draft.  Super!  What the hell was this schmohawk doing?  Who thinks they can possibly get away with using in today’s game?  It’s just stupid.  This is a break for Derek Dietrich; he should be the 2nd baseman on most days.  He has 15-homer pop, and is worth a grab in NL-Only leagues.  Look forward to seeing Gordon return in August when his 28-footers go 28 feet again, and he’s back to a .215 hitter.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jose Fernandez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.08.  Hasn’t been bad, for sure.  Hasn’t been totally dominating either.  You know how when you start to feel better from the flu, you go out only to get somewhere and feel crappy again?  You’ve pushed yourself to do too much too soon.  Maybe that’s what’s going on with Jo-Fer.  His arm feels good, but he’s trying to do too much.  I don’t know, I’m not a doctor.  I did write 70% of WebMD’s user-generated entries.

J.T. Realmuto – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer.  Catcher questions in 3, 2, 1….

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer.  43 more, and we can live together on an island and share a hammock.

Kenta Maeda – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA up to 1.41.  I’m happy for Maeda, I really am, but could he give up five runs in his next game, because I don’t own him and I’m really not that happy for him.

Tanner Roark – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.03, which comes a game after he struck out 15.  You can’t spell Roark without roar!  Amiright?!  I haven’t been this excited for a Tanner since I left Jersey!  And this one isn’t orange.  Or dyed blonde.  Or putting bubble gum on the bottom of a table in a diner.  Or saying, “I can’t believe you don’t drive an IROC.”  Or telling me her niece is older than her uncle.  Or talking about how she knew someone that went to school with DJ Pauly D.  Or me thinking of Dandy Tanner and DJ and telling her,  “To cut it out.”  Any hoo!  Tanner Roark is…  *looks at Stream-o-Nator for Roark’s next start, screeches to side of the road, someone runs out and pumps my gas for me*  Hey, I’m really in Jersey?  So, Roark’s next start isn’t great, but I don’t see how you can drop him at this point.  His peripherals are saying regression, but you don’t drop a guy with a 2.03 ERA and a 8.7 K/9.  Unless you’re crazy like a fox…y Jersey girl!

Aaron Nola – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.55.  Solid start, but did have the benefit of facing the Nats’ B lineup — den Dekker leading off, Espinosa batting 2nd, Luis Severino catching.

Kris Bryant – Exited yesterday’s game after rolling his ankle.  Was he in Denver?  Cause that’s legal there.  He went for a precautionary MRI, which is better than a precautionary autopsy.

Miguel Montero – Hit the DL with a back injury.  It must’ve returned.  Pun points!

Jake Arrieta – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks.  This is goofy; I’ll admit it.  I mean, Arrieta has been one of the best in baseball for the last four months, dating into last year.  His peripherals, however (NOT HOWEVER!!!), look more like a mid-range ace rather than a top three starter.  It’s hard to find a positive when you take this year’s numbers vs. last year’s.  Velocity is down, K-rate is down, walk rate is up, xFIP is up, luck is up, homers are up, ground balls are down and fly balls are up.  It’s like looking under a Maserati’s hood and seeing a Mercedes engine.  It’s not bad, but it’s not a Maserati.

David Ross – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer.  In the time it took him to run around the bases, three guys stole second base.

Scooter Gennett – Hit the DL.  Surprisingly, not with a flat tire.

Matt Garza – Moved to the 60-day DL.  That’s the most relevant movement Garza has had since he eat a bag of prunes.

Jonathan Villar – 3-for-4, 2 runs and three steals (3, 4, 5), hitting .262.  I was enjoying Scooter for fantasy; he was rolling, but — and this is a J. Lo-sized butt — I also own Villar and if it means he moves up in the order and runs, then viva Villar!

Yadiel Rivera – 0-for-4 as he takes over 2nd base for Scooter.  Yadiel hit one homer and .238 in Triple-A in 290 ABs last year.  Yadiel say?  Yeah, I do.

Huston Street – Hit the DL.  The word on the Street is he’s injury-prone.  ‘Injury-prone’ is actually written on him because he won’t wear the MedicAlert bracelet.  Joe Smith will fill in for the next few weeks to a month, and should be owned everywhere.

Eduardo Rodriguez – Made his first rehab start and that went swimmingly (3 2/3 IP, 2 ER), if Natalie Wood were the one swimming.  He’ll make a couple more rehab starts to try and get it together.

Clay Buchholz – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER vs. the Braves.  His ERA is now up to 6.51.  He should change his name to Buchlolz cause he’s a joke.

Hanley Ramirez – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .287.  He only has one homer so far this year.  Tied with Justin Upton and Adam Jones.  A who’s who of “This Is Why My Team Sucks.”

Nick Markakis – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs, hitting .305.  Right now, the Braves, as a team, have four homers.  Over/under for Markakis’s home run total this year is 4.  I’ll give you 3 to 1 on the over that it doesn’t happen.  Come on, I have money with Alfred E Neuman’s face on it burning a hole in my pocket.

Freddie Freeman – 3-for-4, hitting .247.  Looks like the shame of him batting sixth helped.  Fredi Gonzalez is a regular ol’ Mystery with his negging.

Mallex Smith – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th caught stealings, hitting .188.  When Ender returns, Mallex better take a Maalox cause he’s gonna be eating minor league food again.

David Robertson – Went to the bereavement list and Nate Jones will take over the closer role for a few days, unless Jones is the main suspect.

Todd Frazier – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Too bad I just traded him away.  Damn, I like when that’s followed by an about face or a psych and then I say I traded for him.  Not cool, Frazier, and neither is Niles.

John Danks – 5 IP, 6 ER.  Let’s listen in on Gavin Floyd’s voicemail that he uploaded to Danks’s Facebook page.  “Danksie, you’re on the hero’s journey like Broseph Campbell.  This is merely you hitting your Abyss like James Cameron, and you’re gonna emerge on the other side with Terminator 2: Judgment Day.  I love you, Danksie!”

Adam Eaton – 2-for-4 and 2nd day in a row with a steal (3).  Wow, I’m looking at Eaton with my mouth open.

Jimmy Rollins – 1-for-4 and his 2nd steal.  Unrelated, but I suddenly thought of something, what on earth happened to Jose Reyes?  Didn’t he have the charges dropped?  Our Manfred go on a cruise and forget to pass judgment or does he own Trevor Story in fantasy?  What’s going on, Marvin Gaye?

Jose Abreu – 2-for-3, 1 run, hitting .207.  Now it’s Juan-Two-Hits Abreu!  Do I hear Trey Hits Abreu?

Chris Davis – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer.  Khris Davis was conspicuously unproductive in his game  Mmm-hmm.

Manny Machado – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 7th homer, a grand slam.  Macho, macho Manny!

Mark Trumbo – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .354.  He leads the AL in batting average and Elias Sports Bureau says he also leads the league in examples of how it’s too early to form any opinions on batting average.

Joey Rickard – 2-for-4, 2 runs, and hit a home run on Wednesday.  Might be a hot schmotato worth cyclops’ing.  By the by, the most frequent thing mentioned in the comments is, “Do I drop DeShields?” but a close second is, “I can’t tell anyone about this site for fear others will find out my secret sauce.”  Okay, but you realize if you tell someone, and then they read ‘hot schmotato worth cyclops’ing’ they’re just gonna be like, “What the what?  This is effin’ crackers.”

Brandon Drury – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer and 2nd in as many games.  Yeah, he’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but why wait?  You do procrastinate like your mother alleges, don’t you?  Damn, you’re never gonna shake that reputation.

Chris Herrmann – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  Herrmann now has the record for most homers by a transgender player.

Rubby de la Rosa – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.18.  His K-rate is kinda beautiful, and his xFIP isn’t bad either.  I’m still on the fence in shallower mixed leagues, but he doesn’t Rubby me the wrong way.  Fun fact!  Arizona Diamondbacks’ GM, Dave Stewart, sees K-rate and thinks it’s karate spelled like a Hasidic Jew spells God.

Michael Wacha – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA up to 3.18.  Damn, even the bad starts by Wacha and C-Mart aren’t bad.  Never doubt the Ghost of Dave Duncan.

Chris Bassitt – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Where can you find Bassitt?  At the hitters’ pound.  Who let the dogs out?!  Who-Who-Who-Who– Wait, better, what dog can’t get an out?!

Billy Burns – 1-for-4, 2 runs and two steals (5, 6), hitting .268.  Lots of steals yesterday.  Winds must’ve been going left to right.

Stephen Vogt – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .268.  A vote for Vogt is a vote for Vogt.  No hidden meaning.

Jed Lowrie – 2-for-3, hitting .325, hitting over .400 in the last week.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column.  If that doesn’t get you coming back later, I’ve failed, but, more importantly, the college student I hired from Craigslist that I’m not paying who is a marketing major has also failed.  “You’ll get a reference!  That’s worth more!”  That’s me screaming at the top of my lungs, while standing next to a flyer I hung in the student union.

Anthony Gose – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  I wonder if he ever drew on a red Fu Manchu and said he was Gose Goosage.  Now that I write it out, probably.

Ian Kinsler – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI.  Who let the Jew out?!  Who?!  Who–  Sorry, that’s still stuck in my head.

Anibal Sanchez – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (7 BBs), 9 Ks.  After the game, Anibal used a Target men’s room, passing through a picket line where someone held a sign, “You’re a Fruit In The Loom.”