Shh…That was what I was saying yesterday. I was like a librarian with my index finger pressed to my collagen-filled lips. I was lowering the shades of my house hoping no one passing by would see how well Luis Severino was pitching. My phone rang; it was a telemarketer, and I talked to them for 45 minutes because I knew if they were talking to me, then they couldn’t be watching Luis Severino and getting excited for him for 2023 fantasy. One less person who’s going to be get all Jazzy Jeff’d for Luis Severino. I don’t need people seeing that! Yesterday, Luis Severino went 7 IP, 0 ER, zero hits, 1 walk, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.18, as he was throwing speedballs by everyone, just peppering 98 to 100 MPH fastballs into the 7th inning, like it was nothing. For 2023 fantasy, Luis Severino will be going around the number three fantasy starters, and be on my short list for guys who can be an ace. I’m already thinking about the Luis Severino sleeper. I wrote a Jordan Montgomery sleeper last year, so being on the Yankees won’t preclude that possibility. Severino’s going to get all that 2023 shine! Now, that you’ve read this, set fire to your computer so no one else can read this and know how good Severino was yesterday. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-2 and his 30th homer. Aight, Imma let you finish, but what did Aaron Judge do? 1-for-4 and now hitting .311. Luis Arraez, pulling a Jose Reyes, is sitting out with the AL batting title, so it’s going to be hard for Judge to get the Triple Crown. If you’re Aaron Judge (already laughable but hear me out), and you’ve wrapped up the Triple Crown, but are still sitting on 61, do you take another at-bat to go for 62, and risk losing the batting title?
Martin Perez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.89. Yesterday, he was inducing double plays even if the bases were empty. Honestly, watching how he induced so much weak contact, I kinda saw the attraction. I’m coming around just in time for him to burn me so bad next year.
Scott Effross – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 4th save, ERA at 2.54. The $200 million Yanks rocking this guy as their closer is just an echoing chef’s kiss. Can’t wait for the playoffs when he comes in to close games. The good news is Yankees fans have a built in curse to scream at him.
Anthony Rendon – 0-for-2 as he was activated. Angels should make a deal with Rendon. If he wants to play, he has to pay for the at-bats. So, they can pay him to do nothing — as they’ve been doing for years — or he pays them to hit. Let’s see if he really wants to play.
Miguel Rojas – Will undergo wrist surgery. He ends the year with a 6/9 statline, which isn’t nearly as sexy as it looks.
Jesus Luzardo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.32. Marlins out here telling people Bruce Willis was dead the whole time. Ya know, playing spoiler. I just thought of something sad; Bruce Willis is going to be gone, and we’re going to be able to watch him in The Sixth Sense playing dead. Creep City!
Bryan De La Cruz – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, 2nd homer this week, and hot schnmotato and, yes, he’s exactly the kind of guy I’m going to like a little too much next year.
Triston McKenzie – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.96. I cannot wait for the 127-pound Strong Bean McKenzie throwing in the playoffs with a national audience. Peoples’ minds always blow the first time they see a praying mantis throw a fastball.
Evan Longoria – Out for the year with a fractured thumb. Possibly the worst possible injury for him, because he’s gonna need that thumb to hitch out of town.
Joe Musgrove – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.93. If I’m the Padres, I’m saving anything else wonderful from their starters for the playoffs, and throwing like six relievers the next two days. Or I guess Sean Manaea is as good as throwing garbage to wolves.
Tony Gonsolin – 2 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.14 as he was activated from the IL. Ha! Regression! Finally!
Hunter Renfroe – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer. You know what Scooby Doo would say, “Please get to 30 homers!” Wait, that’s not right.
Christian Yelich – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 14th homer. Just when the Brewers needed it to get eliminated! (Though, I guess if he hit 40 homers, and was MVP-like again, they could’ve used that more, maybe.)
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-3 and his 45th and 46th homer. It’s Schwammer time during the month of Schwtober!
Bryson Stott – 3-for-3 and his 10th homer, and he’s been smoking hot lately. Excuse me, Stott schmotato alert!
Bailey Ober – 5 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.21. It’s Schwtober, we established that. It’s not Obertober. Do you need a new calendar?
Rich Hill – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.27. Not bad for a guy who first learned the game from Abner Doubleday.
Wander Franco – 3-for-4 and his 6th homer. Comatose Fantasy Baseball Guy, “Oh, man, how long was I knocked out? Wait, before you answer, Wander Franco just homered?! Six already?! What’s it, the first week of May? Is it still April?! Hey, where’s everyone going?”
Vidal Brujan – 0-for-4 as he was recalled from the minors. He helped lead the Triple-A Durham Bulls to their 2nd straight Triple-A National Championship. Not to rain on the parade in downtown Durham, but this is deceptively terrible news. It’s like being in the minors long enough to go 30/30. Um, great, but also, why are you in the minors long enough to achieve anything there?
Tyler Glasnow – 3 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.35. Gonna draft Glasnow and Severino in the same league next year and people are going to say it’s too risky, like next year is this year.
Hayden Wesneski – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.18 vs. Hunter Greene – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.44. Don’t even know who’s starting today and tomorrow for the Cubs and Reds, but that’s a perfect Streamonator type move, because these are two teams who quit four months ago. When they’re checked out, you check in!
Starling Marte – Remains without a timetable. Has he tried Ikea? I got a little timetable there to place my alarm clock. It’s pretty sleek, and only took me five hours to put together.
Nelson Cruz – He saids he plans on playing next year. That’s the kind of commitment I love to see. Let’s get him in an early draft with us and the Razzball crew! Wait, he plans on playing fantasy baseball or real baseball? Real?! Oh, Nelson, come on. This is why I’m for term limits.
Jack Suwinski – 1-for-2 and his 19th homer. This might be trying to fit a schmotato peg in a schmohawk hole, but Suwinski is the type to hit homers in multiple games in a row.
Albert Pujols – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, 703 homers and takes sole possession of 2nd on the career RBIs list. Now has one more homer since August 14th than Aaron Judge (16 homers), and this one is legit hilarious: Pujols has 17 homers since August 10. The White Sox team leader has 17.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 1-for-3 and his 32nd homer, hitting .273. Cake Batter doesn’t even have 100 RBIs. Not entirely under his control, but that’s one way to take a step back.
Jose Berrios – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.23. *stops cutting out magazine letters for a second* “Ma, Berrios had one good start this year, are we still going to kidnap him for crimes he committed against our fantasy team?”
Javier Baez – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, and 2nd homer in the last four games. Hey, homey, you can hit 30 homers in the last two games and I still will never draft you again.
Julio Rodriguez – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI as he was activated from the IL. The Word of the Day is coalesce, as in, “Juan Soto went from being Sexy Dr. Pepper to Cola-Less; please Jul-Rod save my season.”