The original title Rudy suggested was, Love Is To Own Lindor, but Rudy tells me that title only makes sense to people forced to watch Frozen 5+ times. Let it go…Let it go…Let it go… I just sang that in perfect key and it still caused a cat to screech and paint to peel. Luckily, I don’t have a kid, a cat or paint. Let’s count the ways I love Francisco Lindor. *five minutes later, makes farting sound with hand in armpit* And that’s it! Oh, yeah, I should count the ways I love him aloud so you can hear. Fair enough, you nitpicker, you. Yesterday, he hit his 9th homer (3-for-4, 4 RBIs), topping off a week when he was hitting over .400, a month when he’s hitting over .340, a 2nd half when he’s hitting over .350 with 7 homers and 7 steals. He’s only 21 years old. At 21 years old, you fell asleep on a couch outside of your local bar waiting to talk a girl that you think might have been interested, only waking after a passing bus splashed a puddle of your own vomit onto you. Guys and five girl readers, he has 9 homers in 82 games (essentially a half a season) and he has 30-steal speed. I just got goose pimplies. To emphasize them, I’m drawing little goose faces on my pimples like those psychopaths draw on grains of rice. Yes, you should own Lindor on your teams for this year, and I can’t wait to draft him in sixteen after twenty. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mike Aviles – 1-for-2, 2 runs, hitting near-.400 in the last week. #Nonblackavilesmatter
Danny Salazar – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.48. I don’t know why, but I feel like Salazar is going to give me come-hither eyes next preseason with his sexy as all get-out strikeouts and have another season that is solid, but not next level shizz.
Greg Holland – Ned Yost said he will keep an eye on Holland. Hopefully his other eye stays shut or on an object near Holland, so he doesn’t look weird. Obviously, you should own Wade Davis for vulture saves, but Davis should’ve been owned already.
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer. Moistasskiss!
Aaron Nola – Could be shut down after his next start. Buh-buh-buh-but the Phils are battling for the worst record in baseball!
Ryan Howard – MRI on his knee was negative. The MRI added, “You sure we don’t want to check his cholesterol?”
Darin Ruf – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Who let the dogs out? Ruf, Ruf, Ruf!
Jayson Werth – 3-for-4, 3 runs and two solo homers (10, 11). He’s suddenly hitting like he was just traded to the Mets. If Werth is still on your waivers, I want in your league next year. Facebook me with the deets.
Bryce Harper – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 40th homer. If he gets to 45 homers, does he move up to 1st or 2nd overall in drafts next year? Does five homers in the final two weeks matter? I don’t know.
Anthony Rendon – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs. Oh man, he’s totally roping me again for next year, isn’t he? You Zuma Beach!
Joe Kelly – Out for the season with arm fatigue. I believe him, but I would’ve still liked to have seen the ump lift his arm three times like in pro wrestling.
Henry Owens – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks in Camden Yards. I’m pretty sure if you were to Strat-o-Matic a hundred more of this Owens start in Baltimore, he would’ve been slammed for at least five runs in every simulation. And you’d never get laid because you were Strat-o-Matic’ing.
David Ortiz – 2-for-4 and his 35th homer. Too bad Ruin Tomorrow Jr. is gone, he would’ve signed Ortiz for the largest contract ever given to someone born in the 1940s. I know the Phils don’t have a DH, but that’s what made Ruin so great, he didn’t know.
Dustin Pedroia – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homers. Pedroia only played 81 games this year, which will likely be his norm going forward. Kinda like how dwarves only have a life expectancy of 27 years old.
Russell Martin – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 20th homer. His average (.241) hasn’t been good, but with 20 dongs it’s hard to argue with his value. Not to mention, it’s hard to argue with anyone that has 20 dongs. It’s very distracting.
Ben Revere – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting over .350 in the last week, with three steals in the last eight days. Sounds schmotatoey.
Shelby Miller – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.00 — finally! To misquote Stephen Hawking, space is tight everywhere, especially on people’s fantasy teams. With that in mind, I could see dropping Miller for streamers.
Howie Kendrick – Ran pain-free on Wednesday. If only we could say the same of Purdue’s chickens.
Jimmy Rollins – Still not able to throw, i.e., the team doctor was told by management that if he gives Rollins a clean bill of health, Seager will get benched, so keep telling Mattingly that Rollins can’t throw.
Alex Wood – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, Zero Walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.63. Not to sound impotent, but where the hell was that Wood all year? It’s funny (not funny) to me how awful the Rockies are on the road vs. home. So, great game by Wood, obviously, but I’d look at him only one game at a time, and his next game ( home v. Diamondbacks) could go either way. How’s dem hedges, all you landscapers?
Jake Arrieta – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.92. I understand the need to test for steroids, but we have multiple pitchers under a 2.00 ERA. Maybe on a two-strike count we allow hitters to use an aluminum bat. Just spitballing here.
A.J. Burnett – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks. I streamed him for this start and before the game was over I already cut him for a batty call for today. You need to be that cold this time of the year.
Greg Bird – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. It’s a Bird, it’s a plane, it’s a home run! Now has two homers in two games, and I could see owning him for power.
Luis Severino – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. I love, love, lurve Severino. I might rank him in the top 30 starters next year. But, next year is, well, next year. The Stream-o-Nator has nothing nice to say for his next start, and I could see moving on now.
Ryan Braun – Scratched with lower back tightness. Hopefully he’s been growing out his nails.
Matt Holliday – Didn’t start yesterday after being activated on Tuesday, which comes after the Cardinals said he’d be an everyday player. Maybe they meant player as in “one who gets with all the ladies.”
Thomas Pham – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homers. Fun fact! Pham is a cold Thai beef salad with lime dressing.
Jaime Garcia – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.52, up from 1.57 since mid-August. Sigh. Now you decide to crap the duvet?
Matt Carpenter – 3-for-4 and his 22nd homer. Best year for a Carpenter since Jesus Christ put together a bedroom set in under three hours with no instruction manual.
Ervin Santana – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Damn, I picked him up to stream, but dropped prior to the game because I got cold feet. And I was wearing socks!
Anibal Sanchez – No structural damage on his shoulder. Wow, Dr. James Andrews is having an off day!
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 37th homer. To think, just two years ago he looked like a platoon player, and now he’s Just Dong.
Martin Prado – 2-for-5 and his 8th homer, hitting near-.350 in the last week. Question for our five girl readers, I’m thinking about getting Cougs a pocketbook that I wrap in a Prado jersey and saying it’s a “Prado,” good or no?
Justin Bour – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. Yesterday, I asked for some Bour’ing cyclops’ing, and today I say it’s safe to call him a schmotato. The preceding sentence was read by someone who is new to the site and they were like, “Whaaaaaa?”
J.T. Realmuto – 2-for-3 and his 10th homer. The Spanish language Real video player has three homers in the last eight days. The Beatles would say that’s a week.
Adam Conley – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Mets. 1,950,000 Mets fans are now worried their team is going cold at the worst possible time. And a good 500,000 of them are like, “It’s not too late to become Yankees fans again, right?”
Josh Johnson – Will have his third Tommy John surgery. Funny, his porn star brother, Gosh Johnson, actually required a Tommy John surgery too. But not on his arms.
Matt Kemp – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer. He does have a shizzton of RBIs though, which is driving a lot of his value. I, honestly, don’t even know how he has 97 RBIs. Has the Padres pitcher been on 2nd base that many times to get driven in?
Raisel Iglesias – Was removed from the rotation. When he heard the news, Raisel said, “I don’t have to raft somewhere else, do I?”
Joe Panik – Placed on a 60-day DL. He should be good to go in time for Thanksgiving.
Jake Peavy – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks. I’ve been saying all year, Peavy is an automatic start at home, but his next start is tricky. It’s not home, but it is in Petco, which is every pitcher’s home.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks. Hisashi my dashi — slurp SLURP!
Jered Weaver – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, and ejected after hitting Seager. That’ll give Weaver some time to mullet it over.
David Murphy – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and leading off. He’s a platoon player, but also a hot schmotato, so if he’s playing, he’s worth grabbing.
Jed Lowrie – Continues to sit out with a bruised left foot. Didn’t Daniel Day-Lewis win an Oscar for that?
Luke Gregerson – Out yesterday with his wife going into labor. Tony Blair would be proud.
Dallas Keuchel – 4 2/3 IP, 9 ER. The Regression Fairies keep pom poms in their car so they can cheer up friends, they saw the original Hairspray, the remake and the Broadway musical and they will not rest until everyone’s ratios are screwed.
Evan Gattis – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer. Can he please catch the last 16 games? Asking for a friend who likes the eligibility.
Rougned Odor – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. This was his 2nd home run in the last four games. Hot schmotato alert!
Prince Fielder – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 20th and 21st homers. On a real baseball note, are the Astros Mr. Bungling their playoff chances? You’re gonna give George H.W. Bush a heart attack. That’s if watching his son lose to Trump doesn’t do it first.
Erik Johnson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. He’s a streamer that I wouldn’t touch, due to the Stream-o-Nator, but, what I’m reminded of right now is Erik Effin’ Johnson only gave up three runs and Samardzija gave me the Taco Bell runs.
Jose Abreu – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer. One more homer and we’re good like peanut butter and jelly, hot dogs and mustard and Madonna and veiny arms.
Jake Smolinski – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, and 2nd in three games. Put Smolinski in the same category as Mahtook, and I just can’t recommend them until they get less goofy names.
Billy Butler – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and his 3rd homer in the past ten games. Maybe he popped some Viagra to overcome his blimpotence.
Barry Zito – Called up by the A’s. I’ve heard good things about this prospect. I hear he can touch 79 MPH on the speed gun. As we know, 80 MPH wins a SpongeBob Squarepants plushie.