Matt Kemp is headed back to the DL. He needs Chris Brown to slap some health into him. Obviously, this a terrible sign for Kemp since it’s his shoulder that he had surgery on that is bothering him. Prior to last week, I stayed away from him all year. Teach me to waffle. Billy Butler, “Who’s making waffles?!” On the bright side, Andre Ethier (3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI yesterday) should see everyday playing time. I’m not sure who that’s a bright side for outside of Ethier and his close relatives. Maybe in some leagues where you’re struggling to find a fifth outfielder, you give Ethier a bit of how’s your father. There’s no bright side for Kemp. I wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot pole or touch a ten-foot Pole named Stanislaw. He’s the Pole I’ve been seeing in my dreams. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. Mazel tov!
Yasiel Puig – 2-for-5, 1 run. Puig takes offense at that mazel tov comment. See, Puig’s not kosher.
Hanley Ramirez – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .419, which is better than Puig and they’ve played the same amount of games. Papelbon also doesn’t think Hanley is an All-Star.
Trevor Cahill – Hurt his shoulder playing catch. Kirk Gibson said, “I have no idea why it happened, but I know it wasn’t right.” Context clues point to him playing catch as the why, but I’m just a silly, handsome man. What do I know?
Jeremy Bonderman – Designated for assignment. That assignment is to make room for Erasmo Ramirez. Boo to the ya, Snoops upside your head! I just went over my Erasmo Ramirez fantasy. I wrote it in scratch and sniff stickers that smell like rainbows and unicorns. Yes, grab him in all leagues.
Raul Ibanez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .260. The 41-year-old now has the 4th most homers by someone that old. What can stop a Zombino? A silver bullet? A necklace of garlic? A formidable challenger in shuffleboard?
Justin Smoak – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and hitting near .400 in the last week. Where there’s Smoak, there’s a burning hot schmotato.
Brad Miller – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Hasn’t done a whole lot since his call-up, but it’s only ten days. Give him at least a fortnight. (No, I have no idea what a fortnight is either, but let’s assume it’s more than ten days.)
Jacoby Ellsbury – Sat out yesterday with a sore wrist. He’s day-to-day. Or day-o-to-day-o, if you’re Jamaican.
Andrew Miller – Needs season-ending surgery on his foot. I kid you not (I kid you some?); Miller looked terrific all year, and on Saturday I picked him up. On Saturday, he injured himself. Keep your women and children away from me! I got bad juju coming out of my pores!
Jon Lester – 5 IP, 5 ER. I’m you. “I’m done with Lester. He can go fly a kite that reads, “Eff the Jong-ils” in North Korea for all I care…. Well, on second thought, he is in Safeco.” Oops.
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks. Pretty mediocre start for what we’ve come to expect from him, which illustrates how awesome he is.
Michael Brantley – 2-for-3, 1 run and his 9th steal. Damn, I should’ve held him. Stand close to the waiver wire when I’m dropping players and it’s like following Ted DiBiase as he throws money on the ground.
Homer Bailey – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks. Johnny Vander Meer’s great-great-grandniece-once-removed can breath a little easier.
Aramis Ramirez – To the DL. Aramis has the stench of an old man. In deeper leagues, you’re kinda stuck, but I wouldn’t expect much from him this year.
Ryan Braun – Activated from the DL but didn’t play. So, he’s picking up right where he left off? I’ve already said about three dozen times how I think it would be smart to look to trade Braun. For the 37th time– No, you know what? You figure it out. Look at July Grey taking a stand!
Jean Segura – 3-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI, 1 steal. Full house! Speaking of which, you know what goes over really well? When you’re at a poker table in a casino and someone gets a full house to beat you, you do the Dave Coulier ‘cut it out.’
Juan Francisco – 2-for-3, 1 run. People in the comments yesterday seemed like they couldn’t wait to get rid of him, but he looks like he’s still hot.
Francisco Rodriguez – Notched his 9th save. Guess he’s going for the coveted 304th save of his career. Kidding, he’s closing until he’s traded, then Henderson will get the job back.
Jonathan Lucroy – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd straight game with a homer. Catcher questions commence in… 3, 2, 1…
Kyle Lohse – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 0 Ks. Should be Cyle Lohse then.
Joshua Phegley – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer in two games. Okay, I’ve seen enough to recommend him in mixed leagues. I wouldn’t go dropping anyone in the top 14 catchers for him, but in deep mixed leagues or two-catcher ones, he’s a definite pick up. BTW, didja you know Josh has a father and brother both named Ed and they drive an electric car? Ed Phegley Jr.’s a real activist, too.
Matt Garza – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. Not a bad start for the first day his services were live on eBay.
Alfonso Soriano – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 1 RBI and a slam (13) and leges (legii?) with his 9th and 10th steal. I don’t know what world we live in, but Alfonso Soriano and Raul Ibanez are blowing away Josh Hamilton on our Player Rater.
Dave Sappelt – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Sometimes even a blind squirrel gets a nut or four.
Alex Cobb – Threw a bullpen session on Monday. Let’s break it to you nice and simple like Minnie Pearl. If Cobb goes for a rehab assignment next week (which seems doable), he’ll come back the first week of August if there’s no setbacks. Cobb solid? Sure, as long as there’s no hard-boiled eggs; those things are nasty.
Roberto Hernandez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks. I streamed him per the Stream-o-Nator‘s request and I find it laughable that this was considered a Quality Start. Mr. Arbitrary Stat, this was no Quality Start. This was about as Quality Start-ish as a motel that has quality in its name. I feel like this is a Seinfeld bit that I’m plagiarizing, but you ever notice the lower the adjective on the scale from good to bad the worst the motel? Choice Hotels? Pretty solid. Best Western? I’ve seen better. Quality Inn? Bad. If you ever see a Not-The-Worst Motel, don’t stop.
Luke Scott – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. Scott usually gets as hot as anyone for an extended time, and our fantasy football ‘pert, Sky, just wrote this week’s Creeper about him. In one league, I dropped Cody Ross for Luke Scott and not because I had to have one player with two first names.
Ben Zobrist – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. He’s way overdue to get scorching hot, cause so far owning him has been like watching the Drew Barrymore movie, Never Been Kissed, only it’s running through my head as Never Ben Zobrist.
Aaron Hicks – 4-for-4, 2 runs and came a homer short of the cycle. Since I was watching Roberto Hernandez pitch my stats sideways yesterday, I also got to watch Hicks for a few at-bats. Kinda surprising that he only has 6 steals and a .205 average. He’s fast, y’all! With his speed alone, he would have an above average BABIP and a decent average if he just stopped striking out so much. I already can feel a January Grey busting out an Aaron Hicks sleeper post.
Justin Morneau – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. He has 4 homers in the last ten days. He also has only four hits. No lie. I had to look at it twice to make sure I wasn’t looking at Adam Dunn’s player page.
Wei-Yin Chen – Will return on Wednesday. Here’s what I’ve said previously, “I stashed Chen in one league where we need pitching (assuming Rudy hasn’t dropped him as of this writing). He’s pretty marginal in mixed leagues (as you’ll see from his projections on his player page), but he could be a back end starter in deeper mixed leagues. Think high-6 K/9 and low 2 BB/9.” And that’s me quoting me!
Scott Feldman – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER. Ironldman pressed then folded fairly quickly. Now has a 7.15 ERA with the Orioles. O’s well.
Matt Wieters – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in the last three games. He’s also hitting around .200 in the last week. Are we far enough from his hype machine that generated buzz to an ungodly amount when he was drafted to realize he’s a bust? People said he had Joe Mauer power when that meant around 30 homers, but they also didn’t think he’d struggle to hit .240. I’ll tell you what, Chuck Norris never disappointed this much.
Manny Machado – 3-for-5, 1 RBI. I love you, MaMa.
Ian Kinsler – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 6th caught stealing and he only has 4 steals on the year. Um, that sucks. And not in the good way like a crazy straw.
David Murphy – 2-for-5, 1 run and hitting near .300 in the last week with two homers. You know what time it is. No, not 8:34 AM. Ugh, forget it.
Derek Jeter – Joe Girardi said, “There’s a chance (Jeter) returns this weekend.” Be interesting to see if Jeter can mesh with the youngsters the Yanks brought in like Vernon Wells and Travis Hafner.
Billy Butler – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer off of Hughes. The mild-mannered Butler got enraged when a Yankee fan screamed Hughes’ name, mispronouncing it. Butler stomped around the bases, “Who’s the hugest?!”
Mike Moustakas – 2-for-4, 2 runs. Wow, Mostsuckass’s average is up to .217. That actually wasn’t sarcastic. I remember when he was hitting around .170, and my memory doesn’t go back that far.
Jon Niese – Was cleared to begin rehab. Must’ve been a wide berth to clear him and his nose.
Tim Lincecum – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks. His ERA is still ugly at 4.61, but it should be much lower and his Ks have been great. He did have a favorable strike zone in yesterday’s game, but maybe the ump bought Lincecum low in his fantasy league. Wouldn’t be the dumbest move.
Buster Posey – 5-for-8, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .318. Buster tried to get his homer into the McCovey Cove so it could be near a loose seal.
Neil Walker – Out again after an MRI on his side. The Pirates aren’t sure when he’s going to return. Geez, this sounds all so oblique.
Jeff Locke – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, 2.15 ERA. Well, no regression there. He has a barely 6 K-rate and a 3.88 BB/9 so a change to his ERA gonna come, Sam Cooke.
Bartolo Colon – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, moving his record to 12-3 and his ERA to 2.69. Here’s a factual tidbit, “This was Colon’s 11th straight start of at least six innings while allowing three or fewer runs. That’s tied for the second-longest such streak for the A’s in the live ball era.” Here’s a non-factual tidbit, “Lance Armstrong tells ladies they’ve just entered the ‘one live ball era.'”
Ryan Howard – Out for two months with surgery on his knee. I just told you to sell him last Friday, but that’s now a pipe dream like Pookie had in New Jack City. I’d go ahead and drop him if I didn’t have DL room.
John Lannan – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. His opening bid on eBay still hasn’t been reached.
Ben Revere – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 21st steal. Hitting north of .350 in the last week is what Ben has done, not “has Ben — done.” Almost palindrome!
Jimmy Rollins – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 9th steal. I’ve been working in the Razzbatory (hmm, that sounds weird) on the top 100 2nd half rankings that will be published next week and I spent a bit of time trying to figure out if Rollins would make it. He didn’t (yet, maybe I’ll change that still), but I could see him putting together a solid 2nd half. He looked done last year too, and he had 15 homers and 16 steals after the break.
Dan Haren – 5 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks as he returned from the DL. I wouldn’t rush out to pick him up. I wouldn’t even saunter out to get him. Not even a meander, accidentally bumping into him on the waiver wire because then I’d have to make up an excuse why I never return his phone calls.
Mike Minor – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, 3.05 ERA vs. the MIA Marlins. Minor B-sharp yesterday.
Chris Johnson – 2-for-6, 1 RBI. Why he’s hitting 8th, I have no idea, but Johnson is still maintaining his hot hitting. OWH! (Own While Hot; acronyms aren’t so great when you have to explain them.)
Justin Upton – 2-for-5, 1 run, 3 RBIs. I’m going to reserve my excitement for when he does it for a week straight. So, lowercase yay.
Justin Ruggiano – 1-for-5 and 2 steals. Damn, Rudy beat me to the Hitter-Tron punch yesterday and grabbed Ruggiano before I had a chance. Rudy also streams about five hitters every day, so it’s not that surprising. Our very own Mr. Gamble could pass my 192 waiver wire moves within two weeks. I never thought I’d see the day.
Yasmani Grandal – Will miss about a year with ACL surgery. He’ll be a nice DL stash next year in 10-team leagues that only use Padre hitters who have been busted for PEDs.
Tyler Chatwood – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Nothing like Petco to arouse Chatwood.
Roy Oswalt – To the DL with a strained hamstring. The Rockies replaced him on the roster with Charlie Blackmon. I don’t even want to know what Paula Deen would call him.
Carlos Gonzalez – Didn’t start yesterday due to a sore wrist and all this time I thought he had some kind of doctorate that was abbreviated DTD.
