Jose “The Nat King” Tena Introduces Himself to Cole

Yesterday, Jose Tena went 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. His last name you might remember from when you used to ask your dad for money. “Can I get $20?” “How about a Tena?” Tena spent roughly seven years in the minors and looked to be hitting well as far back as Rookie Ball in 2019. Sucks to be behind Jose Ramirez, I guess. Because he’s good. Making sure that’s clear so he doesn’t Tim Anderson me. This year Jose Tena went 17/14/.298 in Triple-A and was finally traded away from the Guards and almost immediately called up. He was one of the Lane Thomas pieces, and currently looks better than good ol’ Lane. Itch said previously, “A left-handed hitter listed at 5’11” 195 lbs, Tena will have a chance to make the team out of spring training and might even push for the starting shortstop job if new manager Stephen Vogt takes a shine to him. More likely, he settles into an up-and-down utility role over the next couple seasons unless he can get his strikeout rate under control. He posted a 103 wRC+ in 81 Double-A games with a 28.7 percent K-rate so has intriguing upside if he can chisel that down, and I’d like to chisel Grey’s head like it’s marble.” Okay, not cool. Plus, marbles are in my head, does not consist of said marbles. Tena looks like a solid pickup for 15-team mixed leagues and deeper. If you need a spark, then shallower. Or you grab one Tena now, then another Tena after you mow the lawn. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Gerrit Cole – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.86 vs. Patrick Corbin – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 2 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.50. Patrick Corbin outpitching Gerrit Cole, but Cole is totally healthy. Completely fine! Why would you be worried?

Andres Chaparro – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Here’s what I said when he was called up, “He’s a contact-first, some power 1st baseman who looks like a Yepez clone. Yedeux? Ya damn right! Chaparo had a 19% K% in Triple-A and 23 HRs in 105 games, after being shipped over from the DBags at the deadline in the Floro trade. He’s a bit old for a prospect (25), but he was buried behind Christian Walker, so can’t fault him a ton. I’d look at him for a corner infidel in 15-team mixed or deeper.” And that’s me quoting me!

Nick Lodolo – Hit the IL. Here’s Lodolo’s season: Terrible in tough matchups, hits IL right before good matchups. Just incredible timing from this guy. Nice work, LodoLOL.

Rece Hinds – Was recalled. Will never be ass as long as you be Hinds. Not entirely sure why Espinal was playing instead of Hinds, the greatest call-up in history, but hopefully he gets playing time over him.

Abraham Toro – Designated for assignment by the A’s. That’s the “Headed To Play In The KBO” pipeline.

Max Schuemann – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Fun fact! Min Schuemann has one homer.

Lawrence Butler – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, 2nd homer in four games. If you have Paul “Colonel Mustard” DeJong and Butler on the same team, you have power and a good clue who killed the guy in the library.

Zack Gelof – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer, hitting .202. I’m gonna be so about the A’ss hitters as soon as this season ends. I don’t even care if SacTown isn’t a hitters’ park. It’s a Minor League park so it appears to be!

Mitch Spence – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.54. The baby A’ss are growing on me like a maternity nurse but Streamonator hates Spence, and I agree.

Jarren Duran – 2-for-4 and his 20th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games, but maybe three homers in the last three games, I can’t be sure. Either way, Duran’s making a case for the top 20 overall next year and I’m listening.

Will Wagner – 3-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .326, as he hits 9th. Clement had a big June and July and decent August, and is hitting 8th. Mean’s while, hitting leadoff is George Springer (0-for-3, 1 run) and hitting 2nd is Daulton Varsho (2-for-5, 16th homer), and both have identical .221 averages. I know average isn’t everything, but this is Bud Black Diseased Mind Syndrome rearing its ugly head in Toronto. Play your young players high in the order and forget your Charlie Blackmon–I mean, forget the Jays hitters who you know. Hit Cake Batter third? Sure! Everyone else in the top six should be young players you’re trying out. This isn’t that hard. Oh, and I know Varsho, and Blackmon, in a different game, homered. That’s not the point.

Ezequiel Tovar – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 20th and 21st homer. Don’t have the very Amish-sounding Ezequiel in any leagues, but am very aware he’s had a bad August, because a lot of people are asking to drop him. Well, he got sick of hearing it.

Tyler Kinley – 0 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.40. Kazaam!

Michael Harris II – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Every Braves hitter who does something, besides Ozuna, is a lowercase yay. Harris better have a 15/15 September.

Jhoan Duran – 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.77, and his 8th loss. There’s one great closer in baseball. It’s not Duran. The great closer is in a Clase of his own.

Manny Machado – 1-for-4 and his 22nd homer, and 2nd homer in two games. This is interesting, because Ohtani is an otherworldly player, and didn’t miss a beat after TJ; Bryce Harper is a top 20 player and missed about two months with TJ; Machado didn’t have TJ, but did have elbow surgery. Maybe he’s finally starting to feel 100 emoji?

Shawn Armstrong – Designated for assignment by the Cards. Irrelevant for us, but the Cards traded three years of control of Dylan Carlson for three weeks of Armstrong. Incredible Front Office’ing.

Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer, as he hits 7th. Au Shizz!

Devin Williams – Has shoulder soreness from sleeping on it wrong. The hotel maid, who made the bed, pulled the sheets too tight, and was seen wearing a Cubs hat.

Willy Adames – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, and his 2nd homer in two games. Would ya believe Dong Adames has eight homers in the last 30 games?

Jackson Chourio – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (16) and legs (19). Chourio’s 2025 draft price is: There’s no such thing as too early.

Grant McCray – 1-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (3) and legs (2), and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!

Mike Yastrzemski – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, 2nd homer in three games. Carl’s Jr. Jr. hit the crushing blow to take away my Tobias Myers (5 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.99) win, so I will never eat there again.

Robbie Ray – Hit the IL with a hamstring injury. You can see right when he hurt himself on a pitch. And you can see right where, because his pants are so tight.

Jacob deGrom – Threw two innings in a rehab start. Bull emoji blowing smoke out its nose! LFG! He should be ready to throw five innings by the final weekend of the season. Easy! Assuming no setbacks.

Jared Jones – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.88 as he was activated from the IL. Prior to the game, “I am going to be rewarded for waiting for two months while he was injured because I am a very, very good boy.” After the game, “Karma doesn’t exist.”

Bryan De La Cruz – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. Trade deadline deals paying dividends…[sees the Pirates are in last place]…to get a higher draft pick!

Oneil Cruz – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th steal, hitting .271. If what it takes to get the Cruz Missile going is moving him off shortstop for [checks notes] Isiah Kiner-Falefa, then so be it.

Dansby Swanson – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, 2nd homer in two games, hitting .229. I usually reserve “schmotato” for guys under-50% rostered, which I don’t think Swanson is, but he likely should’ve been.

Seiya Suzuki – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, and 3rd homer in a week. Seiya ball!

Justin Steele – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.09. At one point, it looked like they were going to eject Steele from the game for sticky stuff, but they didn’t, which is the whole problem with it! It’s completely subjective! Umps out there touching guys’ hands like they’re manicurists judging “sticky.” It’s so stupid!

Jeffrey Springs – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.67 vs. Logan Gilbert – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.09. It was almost as if both starters only faced Julio Rodriguez.

Jose Siri – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, and his 3rd homer this week. Siri is not just good for locating the nearest mechanic.

Brandon Pfaadt – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.31, as he was relieved by Jordan Montgomery (4 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 6.16). All right, move Pfaadt to the pen if that’s what fixes guys in the desert.

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer, hitting .275. Ya know what Lou-Gu-Ju does every year? A poor man’s Profar. Call him Amateurfar.

Corbin Carroll – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. It truly is nice to see the power return. But why is he being out-run by everyone? Yelich has the same steals as him. Yelich hasn’t played in five weeks!

Pete Alonso – 1-for-5 and his 28th homer. Albombso!

Sean Manaea – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.51. Damn, Manaea isn’t just putting up a good year for Manaea anymore. He’s putting up a good year. Period. Or periodt, if you’re 12.

Johnny Cueto – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 7.15. Angels developing another ace! An emoji sarcastically saluting Arte Moreno everywhere he goes.

Riley Greene – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer, 2nd homer in five games. Was this a win for my Greene sleeper? I’m not sure anymore. 19/4/.263? Meh, around 100-ish on the Player Rater and around a top 25 OF. Feels like a push.

Kerry Carpenter – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Missed half of the month — well, technically, he missed all of June and July too — but also half of August, and still has five homers this month.

Paul DeJong – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. Colonel Mustard in the Best Buy with a universal remote! (That’s aggressive, if being honest.)

Gavin Williams – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.99. Streamonator liked this start, but I would’ve had a hard time starting him. Sorry, bot, Gavin gavin me scares.

Nick Castellanos – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and  his 18th homer, 2nd homer in three games. The Greek God of Hard Contact trying to win the warm embrace of his mustachioed mother’s arms.

Aaron Nola – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.30. Nola is so funny. He was one of the worst pitchers on the 30-day Player Rater, — around a 6-something K/9, icky walks and giving up homers per uze. Then he sits down the Astros with a big En Bee Dee.

Kyle Tucker – Close to running the bases. He said, “I don’t even need Waze to get to the bases! They are super close!”

Jason Heyward – Signed with the Astros after being released by the Dodgers. Astros are getting Heyward for late-inning defense and to take a polygraph while they ask him about all of the Dodgers’ signs.