Grandal Opries The Brewers

OBPwulf opened to lukewarm reviews in the Grandal Opry in 2012.  One critic said the country number performed by the girl in Daisy Dukes can only be described as “poon twang” to those sitting in the front rows.  Another critic argued that a show dedicated to a catcher, who never topped 15 home runs and had a career .247 average, but was good at OBP, while being delivered in country music songs written in archaic Old English prose, would struggle to find an audience.  And struggle it did.  Until it moved to Los Angeles and got a cast change to Carrie Underwood and Craig Wayne Boyd.  Now the story of OBPwulf is singing!   Yesterday, Yasmani Grandal went 4-for-4, 3 runs, 8 RBIs with his 3rd and 4th homers, hitting .301.  He’s owned in 39% of ESPN leagues and the Dodgers go to Coors this weekend.  I didn’t put Grandal in this afternoon’s Buy column, because he’s here now.  You don’t need things repeated.  You don’t need things repeated.  You don’t need things repeated.  Sorry, I’m typing this in a cave.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Alex Guerrero – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 6th homer as he hit in the five hole, but was removed early because Mattingly refuses to let him play for a whole game.  Seriously, how often is a five-hole hitter lifted when a manager wants to get a new pitcher into the game?  I went and looked at Guerrero’s last ten games — that he actually played! — and he’s started and finished one game.  ONE GAME!  Sorry, my keyboard is sticky from searching for Mark Trumbo’s girlfriend.  Guerrero is batting .342 with six homers in 38 at-bats and has started and finished one game in the last ten games.  And you don’t think Mattingly should have his head examined?  Juan Uribe (1-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI) is hitting .269 with one homer and has started and finished nine of his last ten games.  I just got a pit in my stomach like when I found out wrestling was fake, and now I want to put David Brenner in a choke-hold.

Carlos Frias – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.13 vs. Mike Fiers 5 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA up to 5.46.  The matchup of Frias vs. Fiers proved out Mr. Wizard’s theory, as the game took place under cloudy skies.  Frias was kickass in Triple-A.  The first one; I didn’t see the second movie, but no one did because of Jim Carrey.  Frias has been great in the minors, in general, and while his ERA won’t stay at 2.13, the Stream-o-Nator likes his next start and I could see grabbing him.  As for Fiers?  Stop, drop and roll away from him.  Unless, of course, your league has a category called: Peripherals, cause there he’s great.  Yes, the numbers say Fiers is supposed to be terrific, but you can’t keep rolling him out in any leagues until he shows something in the ERA department and stops walking the earth like Caine.

Adam Lind – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .333.  Mean’s while, Ryan Braun went 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd steal, hitting .229.  Glad to see Braun’s at least trying to make this interesting.  Though, on our Player Rater, it’s not even really close with Lind beating Braun’s value by about 100 spots.

Corey Kluber – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.04.  A reporter pushes on his ear plug, trying to hear the studio, “You’re breaking up.  Hello?  Can you hear me?!”  The screen goes to snow and white noise, then the girl from The Ring comes on the screen and says, “It’s the Starterpocalypse.”  Fantasy baseballers grab planks of wood to board up windows, only to realize they’re in their mother’s basement and there are no windows.  So, I know it sucks, but you have to believe Kluber’s going to come around when the weather starts to warm up and I would continue to buy him on the cheap, expecting a rebound.

Carlos Santana – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .242.  So far he’s hit about as well as a catcher, too bad I don’t have a roster spot for Not Catchers That Were Once Catchers.

Edinson Volquez – 3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (6 BBs), 3 Ks.  The Regression Fairies have read every unauthorized Lady Gaga biography, they can’t say no to cupcakes and they will find your streamers and crush them.

Eric Hosmer – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer.  I’m learning to trust.  You have to give me time, Hosmer.  You’ve hurt me a lot in the past.

Mike Moustakas – 3-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .327.  Moistasskiss!

Evan Longoria – Scratched with flu-like symptoms.  Of course, cause he homered twice on Wednesday.  Go back in your hole, Fantasy Baseball Groundhog.  See you in six weeks!

Chris Archer – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  The Regression Fairies are getting more play this week than George Michael on his Freedom 2015 tour.

Nick Martinez – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Excuse me, more play than George Michael on his Freedom 2015 tour during the backstage sing-along of I Want Your Sex.

Delino DeShields Jr. – 0-for-1, 2 runs, 1 RBI and 3 steals (6 steals on the year), hitting .154.  I’ve felt a strong need to mention DeShields in the past few weeks, due to his speed, but not strong enough to go through with it.  Or at least he hasn’t done enough prior.  I’m actually surprised more hasn’t been made of him, simply on speed alone.  He’s got 75 steal speed.  Of course, he hit .236 in Double-A, so he might not hit .200 in the majors, but the speed is ridunk.  In deeper leagues, he’s the kind of one-category performer that could make a surprising difference.  In shallower leagues, you can’t really handle his average and lack of anything else.

Kyle Blanks – 2-for-4, 1 run.  ____ schmotato.  Fill in the Blanks.

Edward Mujica – Designated for assignment.  But he was the last of the Mujicas!

Odrisamer Despaigne – 5 IP, 8 ER.  So, what you’re saying is don’t start Idriselba Despaigne outside of Petco?  Okay, got it.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Signed with the Diamondbacks.  The Diamondbacks catching situation was pretty bland prior, but all their Gosewich really needed was some Salty.

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer.  Au shizz!

Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer.  Had a fairly quiet April, but it wouldn’t shock me to see him still get to 30 homers, so, yeah, there’s a lot more offense in his bat.

David Peralta – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .283.  Got a bit of the short-end of the platoon split recently even though he’s a lefty.  You’d think a Pollock was the culprit.

Rubby de la Rosa –  7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Yay, Rubby avoided games at Coors!  Damn, I own him only in weekly leagues and I benched him expecting him to start in Coors.  I like Rubby perhaps more than I should, but his K/9 is 9.2, BB/9 is 2.4 and xFIP is 3.44, all respectable numbers.  Would definitely take a flyer if you have room for upside.

Hector Santiago – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 2.57.  You know that as soon as you pick him up he’s going to go pear-shaped.  You know this, right?

Huston Street – 2/3 IP, 3 ER and the massive blown save.  He’s also given up runs in three of the last four games.  Street is usually fine when he’s healthy, but he’s never healthy for long.  The other great news (if you don’t own Street but does work if you read everything as sarcastic) Joe Smith is the clear cut set-up man, and I’d grab him if you have room.

Collin McHugh – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.23.  Is it me or does it feel like the Astros have the only reliable starters?  Are we living inside a snow globe on the set of Punk’d?

Jonathan Villar – 1-for-3 and his 2nd and 3rd steals.  Carlos Correa who?!  The Astros prospect that has been compared to a young Hanley.  It’s a figure of speech, Random Italicized Voice.  Carlos Correa who is a figure of speech?  Um, okay. 

Kolten Wong – 1-for-4 as he hit out of the two-hole.  This is from Ask Men dot com, “Discover the male G-spot and how your girlfriend can stimulate you with a Wong in the two-hole.  Oh, and G stands for Grey.”  Unfortch, Carpenter just happened to get rested yesterday and my Wong’s likely going down again tomorrow.  Sigh, that is so not erotic.

Jason Heyward – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI, and his 4th steal, hitting .248.  With respect to Stephen Vogt and his trademarks, I still believe in Heyward.

John Lackey – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I’ve said this before (when you write 2500 words a day about fantasy baseball occasionally that happens), but the Cardinals could make a number two starter out of Kyle Kendrick and make the playoffs with The Federalist (1-for-4) hitting leadoff all year and Superfluous H (1-for-4) hitting third.  The Cardinals scored five runs yesterday, and only three RBIs for their players.  Are they cheating?

Jake Arrieta – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA up to 3.41.  Four earned runs?  There was errors and the Cards only had three RBIs?  Is the Busch Stadium scorekeeper on the take?  Is he on the take?!  The second time I screamed it while on hold with Rob Manfred’s office.

Masahiro Tanaka – Played catch from 60 feet.  Oddly enough, everything landed six inches past home plate.

Nathan Eovaldi – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.97.  God, it’s me Grey.  Is there any pitchers I can own?  You can answer when you’re done sorting out Nepal.

Alex Rodriguez – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th home run.  I’d love to be a fly on the wall of the commissioner’s office when A-Rod passes Bonds on the all-time home run list.  That excitement will be the definition of “lowercase yay” in the dictionary.  Here’s a drawing of the commissioner’s face when that happens.

Andrew Miller – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks, ERA at 0.00 with his 12th save.  You have to love SAGNOF in its most pure, most seductive, don’t you?  (Yes, I’m partially only mentioning Miller to jinx him.  Shh, don’t ruin it for his owners.)

Jimmy Paredes – 1-for-2 and his 4th homer.  What’s odd…Okay, he’s hitting near-.350, so a lot of things are odd, but what’s really odd is he had 8 homers in 159 major league games prior to last night.  Also odd is he’s known for his speed (37 steals in Triple-A one year) and he only has one steal this year.  Did Brady Anderson kidnap Paredes?  Does Paredes have sideburns?  Is Paredes Spanish for PEDs?  I have question, y’all!

Caleb Joseph – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  Yet, someone is still holding Wieters in your league.

Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer.   OZUNA sick of petting ball like it pussycat.  OZUNA want to smash ball.  OZUNA eat chalk.

Dee Gordon – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .437.  Okay, lets just leave Ted Williams’s head on the counter to slowly defrost.  Just in case!

Dan Haren – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.68.  Between Haren, Colon, Burnett and Lackey, next year I’m only drafting starters who want to retire.

Tim Hudson – 6 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Okay, maybe not only old starters.

Anthony DeSclafani – 5 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners (4 BBs), 1 K, ERA at 2.50.  Still rocking a decent ERA, but the walks will come back to haunt him in the landmark case of sooner vs. later.  I’d start to look elsewhere.

Todd Frazier – 2-for-3 and his 10th homer.  I get it, I was supposed to draft you.  Please stop pointing that out.

Marlon Byrd – 2-for-3, 1 run, and hitting like a kazillion in the last week.  Yup, he’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy, but you gots to have marbles jingle-jangling in your medulla oblongta to not pick him up now if you need outfield help.

Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 1st steal, hitting .210.  McClutchin-His-Knee ran!  It’s a modern miracle!  Can only hope this is the start of more, but I have my doubts.

Neil Walker – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal, hitting .280, but only has one homer on the year.  I bet power will come at some point, but Walker is the kind of guy I’d be okay dropping in most mixed leagues and working waivers for hot MI hands.

A.J. Burnett – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.66.  Apricot Juice retired three times between the 3rd and 6th innings, but decided to finish out the start anyway.

Jose Iglesias – Renewed tightness in his groin.  He owns Wong too?

Justin Verlander – Made 50 throws on Thursday.  So, he’s a long man out of the pen now?

Kyle Lobstein – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.00.  Damn, I knew I should’ve slid Lobstein above Kershaw in my starter rankings.  You don’t need to be Mayan to believe in the Starterpocalypse.

Jose Quintana – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 5.03 vs. the Tigers.  Solid enough game from the almost-suave one, JQ, but he’s more or less a streamer, and the Stream-o-Nator likes his next one, so do what you do, I’ll do what I do, and we’ll met in the middle for coffee.

Kennys Vargas – 1-for-2, 1 run.  All your Kennys are belong to us!

Eduardo Escobar – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and a walk.  Escobar had gone 184 straight plate appearances without a walk, and was the last hitter with 50+ plate appearances and zero walks.  When asked about this after the game, Eduardo said, “Yo no se.”  With Dannys Antana and his one walk also on the Twins, you’d think the entire team suffered, but they have nineteen more walks collectively than the Rockies, and have more walks than nine other teams.

Drew Pomeranz – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 5.12.  Pomeranz is such a dog.

Ike Davis – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .287.  When Ike was hitting .350 with one homer after the first ten games of the season, this was You, “Best late round draft pick — Ike Davis!”  You now, “Should I pick up Kanyes Vargashian?”

Billy Burns – 1-for-4, 1 run and his 2nd steal, hitting .296.  He’s headed for 40 steals, batting leadoff, and he’s just sitting on your waivers, twiddling his thumbs, reading an issue of Men’s Health that is addressed to the other Billy Bean.