Adrian Beltre was diagnosed with a dislocated left thumb. The doctor said it could be anywhere, his glove compartment, upstairs by the hamper, in the basement by the weights we bought you in high school that you never used. Beltre will miss two to three weeks. So… the Rangers called up Joey Gallo! *searching Gallo on Google, coming across Orson Welles commercial outtakes* Damn, that Orson guy was a genius. Orson Bean too. You cannot go wrong with the name Orson! Could Gallo be Orson-like? I think he can, but, like the dentist tells you, there’s some caveats. Here’s what I said this offseason, “I get the sneaking suspicion that Gallo is going to be The Return of the Sucky Average Lagoon Monster, who was played briefly last year in an off-Broadway revival by Chris Carter. In Double-A last year, Gallo had a 39.5% strikeout rate. That’s absurd. That’s the same rate historians have said Babe Ruth had after an all-night bender with Fatty Arbuckle when Ruth showed up and accidentally went up to bat still wearing his sleep mask. Fun fact! Sleep masks for the wealthy used to be made from raw hamburger patties. So, with Gallo wearing a raw hamburger on his eyes, is there any chance here of him hitting above .200? Not if he can’t tame his strikeouts. Right now, he’d probably hit .150 in the majors. Jot noking, Spooner. Luckily, for the sake of all that is holy, I don’t think he’s going to break camp with the club and will have time to fix his swing tendencies. His power is completely for real, and I think he could hit 30 homers in the major leagues right now. Like the bowling alley that doesn’t cater to dwarfs, no small feat there. He’s only going to be 21 years old, so 30 homers from a guy that young is crazy.” And that’s me quoting me! So, did Gallo fix his swing tendencies this year in the minors? No, not really. His strikeout rate in the minors so far is 33.6%, which is awful for Double-A, and the Rangers have specified that Gallo is merely a two to three week call-up while Beltre gets right. I’d grab Gallo for power in any league, but not at the expense of anyone that worthwhile. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jose Fernandez – Set to begin a rehab assignment. In one short month, Jo-Fer will return and fix everything that is wrong with your team, including your hitting, and take down Wilson Fisk.
Mat Latos – Ready to start a rehab assignment this week. Sorry, Mat, I’m a glutton for punishment and Latos free.
Steve Cishek – Optioned to Double-A to work on his mechanics. Coincidentally, I’d option for AA shortly after my career was derailed too.
Justin Bour – 0-for-3. Nice batty call by yours truly! Grey Albright, he has the power to cool off even the hottest of bats.
Jason Hammel – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.82. This is interesting (to me at least, stop your judging!). The Cubs have the tenth best pitching staff and the 22nd best hitting team. Hmm, that wasn’t even that interesting to me. I gotta stop lying to myself. But it’s so hard because I’m so smart, handsome, witty, handsome. As for Hammel, he hasn’t been good, he’s been great — 9.3 K/9, 0.9 BB/9, 2.74 xFIP. That, sirs and five madams, are ace like numbers.
Starlin Castro – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. There’s seriously something to this. Just yesterday, people started asking about dropping Castro. Last night, he homers. Can we ask about dropping Jose Abreu?
Dexter Fowler – 1-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .235. Since when?! I mean, yeah, I know he’s been slumping, but he’s hitting .235? No wonder my offenses have been struggling. Arenado can only do so much, people!
Yasiel Puig – Ran at close to 100%. A group of scientists sat near the field judging his forward propulsion, torque and surface area tension, and concluded he was running at 98.3%.
Alex Guerrero – Dodgers scored 11 runs and Guerrero didn’t start yesterday in Coors. Holy sit! Mattingly started Justin Turner at third (1-for-5, 2 runs), started Enrique “Anti-Defamation League Won’t Allow Me To Be Called Kike Anymore” Hernandez in left (1-for-4, 1 RBI) and wore a Juan Uribe throwback jersey.
Joc Pederson – 1-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .254. I’m kinda surprised that more hasn’t been made of the year Pederson is having thus far. He’s on pace for 35+ homers in an era when 25 homers is enough to paint a Gorman Thomas mustache on your face and yell, “I’m drunk on power, snitches!”
Adrian Gonzalez – 4-for-4, 1 run. I’m not going to mention how few homers he has since I told you to sell him, because he’s in Coors for a few more games and that would be a jinx, and this is likely a jinx anyway. DAH!
Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. The lone blemish was Nolan Arenado (2-for-4, 2 RBIs) hitting his 13th homer. And that is the only time you will see a negative word like blemish ever grace a sentence that Arenado is a party to.
Jimmy Rollins – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .209. Coors is like the fountain of youth, Mallomars and Kendrick Lamar all rolled up into one delicious bite.
Mike Fiers – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 4.06. Fiers in Busch could’ve scared off the most passionate of Joan Holloway fans, but Fiers showed nerves of Valyrian steel, and rendered the Cardinals and their supporters, who don’t have transportation, the White Walkers, helpless. Fiers has about the best peripherals in the game for a starter, so hopefully this is the game that boosts his confidence and sends Fiers on an epic run of Biblical proportions. Do they run a lot in the Bible?
Jonathan Lucroy – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” said, “If you’re coming to me for advice, don’t you kinda already know the advice?”
Jaime Garcia – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks. Stream-o-Nator rolled its brandy around in its snifter, then said, “Why don’t you trust me?”
Mark Reynolds – 2-for-4. With Matt Adams getting even less exercise than usual for the next three to four months, Mini Donkey has been seeing regular playing time. He hasn’t done much with it yet, but in deeper leagues, he’s worth a flyer. Let’s say a hot schmotato, TBD.
J.J. Hardy – Sat out yesterday with a sore side. Geez, sounds so vague, even oblique.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Astros. Ubaldo’s ERA is now at 3.12. This was a cushy matchup, saw him on my waivers and didn’t pick him up. Could be scarred from the last time I streamed him, but I just don’t have much confidence in Ubaldo. Now if he changed his name to Kojako.
Delmon Young – 2-for-4 and on Sunday went 3-for-4 with two homers. Hot schmotato alert!
Brett Oberholtzer – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks as he returned from the DL. Oberholtzer’s usually just a place I go to buy discount lederhosen, and I wouldn’t trust him moving forward even if his 3.24 ERA says he’s the schnitzel.
Luis Valbuena – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 11th homer, hitting .196. Has power, no average, like the entire Astros team, except for Altuve. Speaking of Altuve (way to jam him into the convo!), he went 1-for-3, 1 RBI yesterday and is hitting…? Guess. Go ahead. I’ll wait. *scratches chin, opens window, sees animated blue bird, sings with it* He’s hitting .297! I had no idea Altuve’s average had come down so low. The Astros “Swing first, ask questions later” offense might be rubbing off on him.
Gerrit Cole – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA down to 1.90. The bases were loaded in the 6th inning with no outs and Belt coming up to the plate, and I switched off the game. I just couldn’t bear to watch, or bare if naturists are reading. Cole ended up getting a strikeout of Belt and a double play to end the inning with no runs allowed. Cole, you showed my faith who’s boss, and it’s not Tony Danza.
Nori Aoki – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 12th steal. For those keeping track at home, after last week’s Maybin debacle, I have Aoki back in my weekly lineup. Yay me!
Joe Panik – 2-for-4, hitting .304. Season’s about a third of the way done. Don’t panic! Wait, do Panik! Don’t panic! Do Panik! Don’t panic! Do Panik! *smoke escapes through ears* Shutting down, Greybot. Overheated.
Matt Moore – Will begin his rehab assignment on Wednesday. Roger that, Moore!
David Freese – 2-for-3 and his 9th homer. Looks like Freese was kicking some major ice.
Albert Pujols – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homers. If he’s healthy, will he ever not get 27-30 HRs, .260, 100 RBIs? Not to answer, but to reflect.
Yonder Alonso – Expected back on Tuesday. This could seriously reduce Cory Spangenberg’s playing time. Spangenberg will have to return to being a character from an 80s teen comedy. Stop picking on Spangenberg!
Wil Myers – Could take BP on Wednesday. My entire offense took a siesta when Myers got hurt, so I hope he returns healthy, but, like Chief Jay Strongbow, I have serious reservations. He’s been plagued by wrist problems for almost a year now.
Andrew Cashner – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners (0 BBs), 12 Ks. It’s like he was going against the Astros. Only, the thing is, and there’s lots of things with Cashner’s line. He only allowed one two-run homer. So, how on this planet Andrelton has only called earth for five years did Cashner give up five runs and strikeout twelve in less than five innings? And he gave up an extra run that was unearned! It seems mathematically impossible. Somebody get Hawking’s Speak N Spell on the phone, I have a question.
Lucas Duda – Sat out yesterday with a stiff knee. Duda said he woke in the morning and his knee was looking at knee and joint magazines, human anatomy textbooks and getting stiff.
Travis d’Arnaud – Could resume rehab this week, and will likely be back early next week. If someone dropped him, I’d grab him for a DL stash, but if the return of Yan Gomes has taught us nothing else, a catcher returning, isn’t exactly Easter Sunday.
Jacob deGrom – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.41. Okay, you’re great, we get it. Now chillax!
Daniel Murphy – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. The layover in Coors paid off nicely!
Cameron Maybin – Sidelined with a slight quad-slash-groin injury. *crosses legs* Sorry, when I said slash-groin. *shudders*
Jace Peterson – 1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and has hit in five straight games. Jace is the place for the helpful hardware schmotatoes.
Andrelton Simmons – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .277. Andrelton came up and looked like a speed-only guy (26 SBs one year in the minors), then he hit with only power in 2013 (17 homers) and no average, then he hit for no power and no average last year. Now, he’s only hitting for average. I’ll tell you what, aliens are tough to pin down.
Freddie Freeman – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Yawn. Wake me when I can say I told you he was overrated, and don’t let me Rip Van Winkle until September.
Alex Wood – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.25. Still missing the Ks we’ve come to know from him, but it’s hard to argue with his ERA. I mean, you could, but you’d be arguing with a number. Weirdo!
Hisashi Iwakuma – Two weeks away from rehab. I’d stashi Hisashi, but I also wouldn’t expect much. The days of expecting things are over, I mean, Jessica Lange is now a Kardashian.
Felix Hernandez – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER. You know when it’s nice and warm and then there’s one last snowstorm in the spring? That was what happened with F-Her and the Starterpocalypse.
Mark Teixeira – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 15th homer. I haven’t seen a Zombino feed on this much brain custard since the last installment of Faces of Death.
Dellin Betances – 1 IP, 0 ER, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.00 in 28 1/3 IP with 47 Ks. No comment other than wow.
Doug Fister – Threw a light bullpen session. Ah, yes, a Fister with a light touch.
Grady Sizemore – Released by Phillies. Damn, he’s gonna miss Duracell Battery Day at the Bank.