So far this season in Triple-A, Christopher Morel was going .330/.425/.730 with 11 homers and four steals in 29 games. That he was in the minors for the Cubs until yesterday would be the funniest thing if it wasn’t so sad. Not funnest, though Morel is a fun guy. You might be thinking, it’s not funny, who knows if Morel can hit in the majors. Please scream these letters at yourself in the mirror: A! He was a top 130 overall guy on the Player Rater last year. He was already good. In the majors. B! Christopher Morel aka Captain Mushroom was more valuable last year than Ketel Marte, Oneil Cruz, Ke’Bryan Hayes and Adley Rutschman. That was last year. Are A and B kinda the same? Yes. So what? C! There was barely a B and you want a C? Get out of here!. Not to get all stupid with prorating — “If you were to hear the song, ‘How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?’ and price every dog in every window, it would take you 37 years, 11 months and sixteen days.” Oh, shut up, Mr. Prorater! — But if you were to prorate Morel’s stats from last year, he was a 20/15/.235 hitter. That sounds just okay, due to the average, but, again, look at the guys he was already better than. I held my dog, Ted, up to my computer with the waivers page open to see if he’d lick the screen where Morel’s name was to see if he could hunt truffles. Instead, Ted licked Jose Abreu, so he was kinda truffle hunting because truffles are usually covered in sh*t. Depends on how deep your league is on whether or not you should find mushroom on your team for Morel, but he has solid speed and power, and shouldn’t be total shiitake. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Nico Hoerner – Left yesterday’s game with hamstring tightness. This is also for those wondering where Morel would play. At least in the short-term.

Marcus Stroman – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.28. Since 2019, Stroman’s 3.15 ERA ranks 9th for pitchers with 500 IP. He’s got the highest ground ball rate of all nine and lowest strikeout rate, and he is quite possibly the most underrated starter in baseball for ratios.

Willson Contreras – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .273. This isn’t fantasy related, but quite possibly the funniest storyline going right now is the absolute mess surrounding the Cards. It’s being reported Contreras was told that Adam Wainwright and Jake Flaherty don’t want Contreras catching. They spent $87 million on a catcher no one wants catching! The sources are one pitcher who can’t throw strikes and another pitcher who shouldn’t throw strikes because he should be retired. Wainwright and Flaherty are going to pitch better with a Triple-A catcher? Oh…*climbs to the top of the Eiffel Tower*…kay. Only thing worse than Contreras’s framing is how the Cards are framing this story.

Franklin German – Claimed by the Reds. Did you say German on the Reds? Yes, get with the pogrom!

Max Scherzer – Still dealing with discomfort in his scapula. “Bleh, bleh!” That’s Count Scapula.

Pavin Smith – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI, as this lefty got the start vs. a lefty because he has a .111 batting average vs. lefties and Lourdes Gurriel Jr., the righty, has four homers in three games. Bud Black is dumb, but he’s far from the only manager failing up. Torey Luvollo gets lauded for his below-.500 career record, and a new contract each year.

Christian Walker – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Always good for power, but a drain on average, right? Right? C’mon, I’m baiting you! He’s hitting .289.

Luis Ortiz – Being called up by the Pirates. Watch your head, big pitching prospects are falling from the sky. I saw Bryce Miller was purchased for $300+ in one of my FAAB leagues this past Sunday and I thought to myself, “I wonder who will be Bryce Miller next weekend who goes for only $100.” Don’t get me wrong, I think Bryce Miller is great, fantastic, adjective, but there’s a new Bryce Miller literally every week. We’ve had one each week the past six weeks, haven’t we? Whispers in ear, “Yes.” We have projections for every rookie pitcher, and Ortiz’s are better than expected, tee bee aitch. He looks like he could be a 8.5-9.5 K/9, 3-3.50 BB/9, 4.25 ERA pitcher. His command is so iffy, I’m not getting on this train yet in mixed leagues, but maybe Streamonator if he looks good. Ortiz can be great or tease. Bam! You walked into it! No? Okay.

Mitch Keller – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.72, and first time he went past the 8th in a start. Watched most of this game because I have Kyle Freeland in one league (don’t ask), and Keller looked great. Got stronger as the game progressed, was mixing in an 83 MPH slider that was freezing hitters after his 95 MPH fastball set them up. It was also the Rockies and that lineup is like a Marley family reunion, dreadful. Definitely was impressed enough with Keller to try him in any league.

Rodolfo Castro – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .263. Opened Castro’s player page to see if he had done anything recently and it said, “Stinky.”

Travis d’Arnaud – Activated from the IL. Ah, finally, the Braves can boot the best catcher in baseball in Murphy out of the lineup. Lowercase yay!

Shane McClanahan – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.76. Pet peeve alert! I hate when I look at a fantasy news site and it says something like, “McClanahan was great vs. the Orioles, getting blah blah blah swings and misses, yadda yadda yadda.” He’s good, you really need to read about a great pitcher being great?

Josh Lowe – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. It’s truly a shame the Rays have 12 great hitters. They need a bigger lineup. Let the Rays start 12 hitters per game, please.

Luke Raley – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer. One of 12, man, one of 12!

Kyle Gibson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.40. Wouldn’t have the pants grapes big enough to start Gibson in this one vs. the RaysStreamonator is barely positive on his next one but I could see it.

Dylan Cease – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.58. Said a’la Scarface, “The entire White Sox womb is polluted.”

Gavin Sheets – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot Sheetato alert!

MJ Melendez – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .208.


Sitting in a throne on top of the dugout, King Charles reads off a scroll to the crowd, “Now batting, MJ Melendez,” then he asks him, “MJ? Does that stand for Mum’s Jubilee?”

Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games, and Renfroe has never not not NOT not hit a home run the day after hitting a home run. You count the negatives, and you’ll know-not-know what I mean.

Patrick Sandoval – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.41. God forbid this guy just pitches well, instead of pitching well one start, then getting on the Struggle Bus randomly and screwing up my entire week.

Hunter Brown – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.23. He was beat by Hunter Renfroe. Wait, Hunter vs. Hunter? Then who is. Dot dot dot. Dramatic sting. Prey?

Ty France – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. A French fly! Not saying this will be the start of something, but France is so overdue (since like World War I).

Logan Gilbert – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.79. Thought he was going to throw a no-hitter, he had one through six innings, then he ends up getting beat by Gray. Never underestimate Grays, guys and five ladies.

Jon Gray – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.82. Ya know what’s funny (not funny)? If you would’ve said Gilbert was better than Gray, it would be laughed at, like, of course, he’s better! But is he actually better for fantasy value so far on the Player Rater? No.

Anthony DeSclafani – 7 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.80. Pitchers pretty please pitch poorly in poor matchups (don’t read that aloud, you’ll spit all over your computer screen), not in good ones when I’m starting you.

Tanner Bibee – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.30. Pay close attention to what I said in the Luis Ortiz blurb. There are new rookie pitchers every week. None are fully trustworthy. What week was Bibee ‘This week’s Bryce Miller?’ Three weeks ago? Two weeks? Not saying I don’t like Bibee either, but the less attached you get the better.

Jose Ramirez – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. He’s due for a huge month or three.

Joey Wentz – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 6.09. You can pick up Wentz then say “There it Wentz” regarding your team, then wave bye-bye to being good.

Andy Ibanez – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 1st homer. Fun fact! Apple store bathrooms in Mexico are called iBanos.

Tony Gonsolin – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.93, and three unearned runs, which brings me to my question: Do the Dodgers pitchers get more unearned runs than anyone else? They always be getting lucky! They can’t keep getting away with this!

Willy Adames – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, 2nd homer in two games, hitting .236. Get hot Willy! “I was not yelling at my pants, ma’am!” That’s me to a passerby.

Joey Wiemer – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .221. I can still remember the regret when I dropped Wiemer the day before he was called up. That regret’s turned to a shrug. A shregret.

Freddy Peralta – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5Ks, ERA at 3.32. Ya know what’s funny in a “this isn’t funny, this hurts, man” type way? I avoided FreddyKBB because I was worried about injury, but happily drafted Woodruff.

Nestor Cortes – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.74. The runs were really allowed by Cherry Ron Maraschino, so unfair to blame on Cortes, but he reminds me of Julio Urias, and other pitchers who are hurt by the no-shift rules.

Gleyber Torres – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. Every time I get fed up with Gleyber he does something. So, I get fed up once a week, and he does something, just barely staying on my good side. I need to get angry at him more, clearly.

DJ LeMahieu – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Can’t believe LolMahieu is only one homer off Gleyber. I’m gonna move on before I get too annoyed. Then again, we just established I should be getting annoyed at Gleyber.

Aaron Hicks – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs, and his 1st homer, hitting .153. His contract is through 2025! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH–Breathe, Grey, breathe! God damn it, we’re losing him!

Oswaldo Cabrera – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Was about to say he should be hitting leadoff instead of the .205-hitting Volpe, then I saw Cabrera was hitting .204. The Yanks are likely better with LolMahieu at leadoff, and I immediately shregret saying that.

JP Sears – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.54. Started this guy in one weekly league, but more for his 2nd start. Felt like I got away with one when he only allowed two runs into the 5th, but then Just Phucking Sears emerged, and it went sideways quicker than Paul Giamatti in Sideways with a Merlot. With that said, Streamonator likes his next, and why I picked him up, so, of course, that will be a disaster too.

Mason Miller – Headed back to Oakland with elbow tightness. Not to be insensitive, but the guy with 28 2/3 IP thrown since 2021 can’t throw 21 IP in two weeks? Hunh, weird. Truly is a shame though, he seemed like one of the good ones. Turns out he needs to be treated with more kid gloves than even deGrom. Call him deLicate.