A NASA engineer who plays fantasy, “Houston, we’ve Scott a pitcher!” Then he tries to high-five another NASA engineer, but their 180 IQs can’t figure out a hand slap. A gay man in the Bay Area who plays fantasy, “I see a run on Minute Maid mimosas thanks to the Kaztro!” Then he tries to high-five his friend and it becomes patty cake. A Real Housewife of Houston sees that Scott Kazmir was traded to the Astros and gets on the phone with her husband, “You want me to hide our oil futures in which bank account again?” Okay, that had nothing to do with Kazmir. For the past three months, I’ve been saying to trade Kazmir in July and guess who reads Razzball. Yo, Beane, I’m on a treadmill as I write this — simpatico, my brother! Crap, I just hit ‘Begin Workout.’ How do I shut this off? I just wanted to stand on the treadmill! So, Kazmir takes his 2.38 ERA to Houston and I can kinda understand it from the Astros’ perspective. If they get ten starts from him instead of Feldman, then it’s a score since they traded low-level prospects. Kazmir is from Houston so he’ll be able to play in front of family and friends, which is great if this were Little League and needed a ride home. He has only 15 1/3 IP in The Juice Box, so his numbers there are irrelevant. O.co is a -co park like Petco or Metco and stands for Overstock(ed on foul territory), but Minute Maid isn’t exactly Coors. Keuchel, McHugh, McCullers and Velasquez have done fine there, and I think this is a fairly lateral move out of the wishbone offense. What?! Grey must be reading JayWrong’s fantasy football rankings. The only thing that really stops Kazmir from performing is his health, which is almost definitely going to fail him. Damn, I should’ve been a doctor. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Marwin Gonzalez – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. The Astros’s ass backwards 3rd base platoon has 26 homers. “Commissioner Manfred, how do you feel about the LCS between the Astros and Royals?” “If I ever catch Selig and that Davy Crockett hat he calls hair…” Manfred then made a Vine doing the Curly “Soitenly whoop whoop.”
Colby Rasmus – 1-for-2 and his 13th homer. Short schedule day, that’s all you need to know.
Jose Altuve – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and a slam (9) and legs (28). Just a short day for him.
Lance McCullers – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks. I wonder if he only went five innings because the Astros are trying to limit his innings. I hope that doesn’t mean he’ll be bumped for Kazmir. C’mon, bump Feldman, even if he is a Goonie.
Mike Napoli – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Also in this game, David Ortiz went deep (2-for-5, 2 RBIs with his 17th homer). Seeing the Sawx take on the Astros, I got the sense that it was like Rocky from Rocky 5 was the Sawx and the Astros were Clubber Lang from Rocky 3. A Paulie/Mickey/the kid that played Rocky’s son mash-up from DJ Topcat!
Drew Pomeranz – 1 2/3 IP, 2 ER as he took over Kazmir’s rotation spot. Pom, the pitcher not the pomegranate juice that pretends to be good for you but just stains shizz, has had his moments in the rotation, and is worth grabbing once he’s stretched back out and is pitching at home, which could be two weeks.
R.A. Dickey – 8 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4,53. Solid start, since the only ones to really touch up Dickey were Semien, Burns and Reddick. Maybe Dickey might want to go to that free clinic after all.
Russell Martin – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, and his 2nd homer in three games. Damn, he’s hotter than when Alyssa Milano used to show up in the Dodgers’ clubhouse in her Embrace of a Vampire costume.
Jose Reyes – Left yesterday’s game with an injury. At least he’s down to only two of those a year.
Aramis Ramirez – Pirates re-acquired him. I wonder if he’ll sit down with his new teammates and talk to them like he’s Marco Polo returning home. “In Milwaukee, they have sausages the size of men. And they run. They run so fast.” Gregory Polanco raises his hand, and waits to be called on, “Mr. Ramirez, every spring training we get a lecture from Randall Simon about the dangers of giant sausages.” Aramis lets out a hearty chuckle then, “Folklore, young tyke, folklore!” Okay, maybe we’ll check back in with Aramis as the season progresses, but I doubt it since he’s pretty unownable in most mixed leagues no matter where he’s playing.
Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Member the other day when I said he could gain 3rd base eligibility for next year due to Mercer getting injured? Well, it’s not important anyway, see 1/7th of an inch above. “Aw, man!” That’s Travis Ishikawa reading this blurb.
Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .293. Be interesting to see where he gets ranked next year. I’m guessing he falls at least a round, likely to the middle of the 2nd round. Damn, I’m a good guesser. Never change, Grey!
Francisco Cervelli – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .289. He’s a second catcher in two catcher leagues that you’re happy to own, but can’t convince anyone that doesn’t own him that he hasn’t been that bad. You could be Alan Dershowitz and you could not convince a person of this.
Francisco Liriano – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.91. The guy in your league that owns Liriano and Lance Lynn is a jerk and thinks he knows more than you. Okay, I’m not a jerk, per se.
Yunel Escobar – Remains sidelined with a hand injury that appeared to look like his reaction to gay marriage passing. What? You don’t remember he’s a homophobe? Funny, cause I’m a Escophobe.
Ian Desmond – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer and suddenly hitting everything in sight. If someone dropped him, go immediately and grab him. Faster! Let’s go, I’m your life coach!
Randal Grichuk – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Ugh, I like him so much more than he likely deserves. I kinda want to book a trip for him, Preston Tucker and me to go to Bermuda, or as I sometimes call it, Really East Carolina.
Matt Carpenter – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer as he was moved back to the two hole. Good to see he learned his lesson. What lesson Matheny was teaching I have no idea.
Alex Rios – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and hitting near-.400 in the last week. Related note that actually is related, I didn’t realize Rios was owned in less than 50% of league so I haven’t been talking about him, but he’s been hot for a few weeks now (over-.340 in July), and I would grab him.
John Lackey – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.88. The jerk with Liriano and Lynn also owns Lackey. What a stupid head!
Zack Godley – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks as he was called up from the minors for the Diamondbacks. Whoa, whoa, whoa, D-Backs! There’s only one Godley on your team. He also goes by Goldy and Au Shizz. There is no room for another Godley or a Godly if there’s one of those lurking in your minor league system too. Zack (!) had a 9+ K/9 in High-A, which is the same as T-ball if you suddenly remove the tees. I wouldn’t touch him or his encroaching name until he shows more.
Yasmany Tomas – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 6th homer. Coming from Cuba, he appeared to be a 25-homer hitter. Now I’m starting to think he can’t get it up with blimpotence.
Mike Fiers – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.94. And your Ks keep us hanging on, which was remade by Kim Wilde. From Kim Wilde’s Wikipedia page, “Worldwide, she has sold over 10 million albums and 20 million singles. Starting in 1998, while still active in music, she has branched into an alternative career as a landscape gardener.” Is branched a pun there?
Ryan Braun – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer. But what did Adam Lind do?! Wait, I have that the wrong way.
Jeff Samardzija – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.91. Three Ks? Who are you, Samardfister?
Melky Cabrera – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and two homers (5, 6). The White Sox are kinda garbage. Okay, exactly garbage, but Melky’s been hitting third. A three hole hitter on any team should just be owned.
Jose Abreu – 1-for-4, 1 run as the White Sox scored eight runs. Not a true ticker tease, but this schmohawk feels like he’s been one giant ticker season. Stop with the ground balls between the shortstop and 3rd baseman and hit a freakin’ homer!
Trevor Bauer – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 4.29. Took longer than I thought it would, but Bauer is finally the Indians starter with the worst ERA.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. Hisashi my dashi — slurp SLURP!
Kyle Seager – 2-for-6 and his 15th homer, hitting .272. I should’ve fought for six 3rd basemen slots in the RCL.
David Price – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.31. Would be fun to see Price get traded to the NL. Could become a 1.50 ERA pitcher overnight. Unless, of course, he’s traded to the Mets, then he’ll need Tommy John surgery by October.
Jose Iglesias – 2-for-5, hitting .325. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column. It’s a love letter to the lost, the tired, the French fry that falls between the car seat because you don’t have Drop Stop.
Travis d’Arnaud – Started a rehab assignment yesterday. He should be back within a week, depending on how his d’Armaund responds.
David Wright – Could begin baseball activities next week. It’s been a long time since the last time he scratched himself and spat.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 3.81. Ubaldo must be taking Propecia, because things just got hairy!
Manny Machado – 1-for-4 and his 21st homer, hitting .297. Since I don’t own him anywhere, I hope he goes ice cold in the 2nd half, so I have a chance of owning next year. Sorry if you own him this year. I’m an only child, what do you expect?
Chris Davis – 2-for-4 and his 21st home run, 2nd homer in as many games. Here’s what I said in the top 100 for the 2nd half, “(Davis is) one of the few players that could hit 20 homers in the 2nd half.” And that’s me quoting me!
J.J. Hardy – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. Not sure what happened to his power, but he got washed up quicker than someone arriving home late to find out their Ashley Madison details were leaked.
Masahiro Tanaka – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.64. He’s gonna be a tough one to like again next year, or really ever until he gets shut down and has the operation his elbow requires. Tough Love with Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate).
Jacoby Ellsbury – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Not bad…for a twentieth round middle infielder! Snap in the inverted W formation!
Chase Headley – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs. Now has a hit in eight of his last ten games with no power. Could be a very light schmotato, but he won’t be appearing in this afternoon’s Buy column. Aw, shucks!
Tyson Ross – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.45. No idea how his ERA is that low. It feels like every time I see him pitch it’s a severe case of yawnstipation.
Tom Koehler – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.16. I actually own this guy in one very deep league and, even with a 3.16 ERA, I look at the Stream-o-Nator before starting him.
Garrett Richards – 8 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.25. His perifs look like he’s about to fall off some cliffs, but what’s the diffs if you’re getting the whiffs? May end up like rockabilly hipsters in the rain. Flattened quiffs.
Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Plouffe goes the dynamite!
Ervin Santana – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.60. As I said when he first returned from ‘doing a horrible job of cheating,’ I don’t mind Ervin in mixed leagues as a backend starter. He’s not quite this good, but he’s not terribly bad either. Hmm, I wonder what Kim Wilde could do with those hedges.
Jimmy Rollins – 1-for-3and his 9th homer, hitting .205. Corey Seager Appreciation and Cheese of the Month Club groans over their Camembert.
Clayton Kershaw – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.51. It’s kinda goofy how good he is when he’s in the groove. It’s like he’s Kobayashi with two hot dogs in his mouth while everyone else is choking on cocktail wieners. That analogy works also if you sub out Kobayashi for a porn star. Speaking of which, how is Joey Chestnut not a porn star name?
Zack Greinke – Probably won’t make his start today due to the birth of his first child. If my math’s correct, Greinke was getting horny nine months ago while the Royals were making a run in the playoffs. Glad I never saw his reaction to Billy Butler’s moobs in Royal blue.
