Did someone call Glenn Frey? Cuz the H is O. When the news hit, I was on the toilet, which reminded me of that famous Lawrence Taylor quote when he said, “My life is in the toilet and no one is flushing.” Ryan Braun and Alex Rodriguez‘s lives are in that same proverbial toilet; hopefully they avoid sleeping with an underage prostitute. “Baby, you ever see me break Theismann’s leg?” “The Theismann Trophy? Wow, isn’t that bronze?” “Joe Theismann, woman!” “Woman? I’m 16.” That’s an audio recording of LT in the hotel room. So, the world is ablaze with ESPN’s report that a suspension is forthcoming for Braun, A-Rod, Yasmani Grandal, Nelson Cruz, Jhonny Peralta and Everth Cabrera, amongst notable fantasy names. Gio Gonzalez isn’t in danger because he makes people write down shizz in invisible ink. “I bought this pen from the back of comic book, forgoing the 3-D glasses.” That’s Gio at the steroid reception desk. By the by, how buff was the lady taking calls at Biogenesis and how bad did A-Rod hit on her? I got questions, y’all! If Ryan Braun is suspended, the repercussions will obviously be huge for your fantasy team. However, Braun looks like he’s already battling something — the Jewish guilt? P to the erhaps. If you’re doing well in your league with the Braun that you have, chances are you can rotate through hot schmotatoes in shallower mixed leagues to give you his production. If A-Rod is suspended? Well, no one cares outside of the buff receptionist. EverCab could also send people scrambling for steals on waivers, while Cruz and Jhonny are replaceable in most mixed leagues. On the bright side, Braun’s lawyers will probably fight this for at least a month or two, and they’ve won before over what mail carrier someone used, so you never know. On the brighter side, the publishers of the Jewish Sports Hero Pamphlet can hold off on an expansion for a while. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Scooter Gennett – 0-for-3 with 3 Ks. Rickie Weeks you polluted the 2nd base womb!
Anthony Rendon – The Nats finally called him up. On a serious note, what the hell took them so long? They really thought it was a smart idea to play a guy with a fractured wrist? You know how you say you give someone the benefit of the doubt that they’re not that stupid? So I’m not even sure what would be giving the Nats the benefit of the doubt on their intelligence. That they were smart enough to know Espinosa’s wrist was fractured for the last month, but stupid enough to play him. Or the benefit of the doubt that they were stupid enough to be unaware of his injury for the the last month, only finding out in the last week then taking a week to make a seemingly obvious call to bring up Rendon. I’ve already gone over my Anthony Rendon fantasy. Been there, drunkenly wrote that. I’d grab him in all leagues (though I would’ve grabbed him a week ago if you needed him — water meet bridge, water go under bridge).
Jayson Werth – 1-for-4 as he was activated from the DL. Nice to see him pick up right where he left off.
Ian Desmond – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer. Desmond is the Nats constant.
Jordan Zimmermann – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, 2.16 ERA. After JZ was clobbered in his last start, this was proof, I guess he got his swagger back, truth.
Jeremy Hefner – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. Eddard will tell you, Wheeler is coming, Wheeler is coming.
Bobby Parnell – 1/3 IP, 2 ER with his third blown save. Slow your swoop, save vultures, he’s in no danger of losing his job yet.
Omar Quintanilla – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs. Hitting .529 since he took over for Ruben Tejada. That’s about the best Ruben replacement since any other sandwich. Not a fan, sorry.
Yoenis Cespedes – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and 2 homers. And Yoenis, man! Still no sign of Chris Tucker.
A.J. Griffin – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. The A’s pitchers are doing work away from O.co, huh? Rhetorical, no need to answer. Alfredo Jettucine is an enigma wrapped in cream sauce. He doesn’t look anything like his dad, Alfredo, and he came into this game getting beat up by two weaker offenses. Still don’t trust him to be a Road Scholar, but I’ll be a cyclops with a monocle watching him.
Salvador Perez – 0-for-3. But you made a bedside promise to your Grammie that you’d get a hit!
Kelvin Herrera – Returned from the minors to set-up Holland. That would be great if there were any games to actually set-up for Holland.
Ryan Doumit – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and he’s hitting near .300 in the last week with 4 homers. That’s not a hot schmotato. THIS IS A HOT SCHMOTATO!
Samuel Deduno – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. He so doesn’t look like a Samuel Deduno. You think him and Freddie Freeman switched birth certificates? For fantasy, I wouldn’t go near Deduno without about two to three more solid starts, but I’m closer on him than I have been. Guess you could say I’m close to giving Samuel *pinkie to mouth* clemency.
Peter Bourjos – Began his rehab assignment and should return this weekend. If someone dropped him, I’d look to stash him on my DL in mixed leagues. He was just starting to go when he got sidelined. Then again, maybe he has Mat Gamel Disease and the Fantasy Overlords, who drape themselves in sheepskin, don’t want Bourjos to succeed. I’d bet against those sheepish bastards. Fantasy Overlord, “I banish you to writing a blog that earns one-eighteenth of a cent per pageview.” Too late!
Albert Pujols – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, while hitting .244. Yikes, that’s not what I expect to see coming out of Pujols…Or is it?
Nick Markakis – Will miss Wednesday and Thursday’s games to attend his grandmother’s funeral. Hopefully he doesn’t try to get his mother, Helen of Troy, New York out of the country.
Chris Capuano – To the DL with a lat strain. Dodgers will roll out Stephen Fife dawg in his place. He floats like gravity, never had a cavity, got more wrong with him than the Wayans got family.
Josh Beckett – No return date yet, but on the bright side he doesn’t need nerve damage surgery. The bad news is the doctors can’t fix his douchebaggery either.
Yasiel Puig – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. Woo Puig sooie! With this game, Puig said, “Send that down to the minors!…Or send down Skip Schumaker, what is he doing on the team anyway?”
Hanley Ramirez – 0-for-3, 1 RBI as he was activated from the DL. Okay, but tell us again what happened with Puig?
Ted Lilly – 4 IP, 4 ER vs. the Padres. I think it’s safe to assume he’s hurt too.
Carlos Quentin – 3-for-5 and his 6th homer. He’s 7 for his last 13. Surprised he didn’t hit a foul ball off Greinke’s shoulder.
Everth Cabrera – 2-for-5 with his 24th steal. It was odd to me that he was listed along with Braun and A-Rod, until Kyle Blanks hit a homer by Everth swinging Kyle by his ankles.
Matt Holliday – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. The Cardinals are threatening to move him down in the order. Unless the bottom of the order hits in Coors, I’m not sure how that’s gonna help him.
David Freese – 4-for-7. One of those hits was a dinker down the 3rd base line, and I have no idea what the other ones were because the game went for about 6 hours. But Freese is now hit in every game in the last two weeks and is hot to the touch.
Michael Wacha – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER. So, I was with this hot girl and she was like, “Any interest in a threesome?” And then I woke in bed with an antelope and Brian Boitano. AHHHH! Roofie! Obviously, this wasn’t an ideal start, but he was getting squeezed by the ump and a lot of the damage came on a mistake to A.J. Pollock. Yes! I’m making excuses, leave me alone. I’m holding him.
Matt Moore – 2 IP, 6 ER. Matt Moore Owners, you didn’t just drink absinthe. Those are the Regression Fairies.
Austin Jackson – Supposed to resume running this week. This guy is totally pulling a Kotchman. Al Green mended a broken heart quicker than Jackson is with his hamstring.
Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. Since people occasionally point out that I don’t mention enough things that I get wrong. How about you start a blog called IMessedUp.com and list all your mistakes? Kidding (sorta). I was wrong on Anibal in the preseason. I’d totally trade for him like he’s a solid number two.
Jhonny Peralta – 3-for-5, 2 runs, batting .338. He also called time out 6 times in this game so he could use the bathroom. Those detox teas go right through you!
Prince Fielder – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer, average up to .283, which is also his weight after a 48-day trip to George Bluth Sr.’s hot spa.
Omar Infante – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting lead-off. Ed Lucas could be valuable hitting lead-off for the Tigers. And no one even knows who Ed Lucas is!
Justin Grimm – 1 2/3 IP, 8 ER. Grimm should change his name to Anonymous.
Nelson Cruz – 1-for-3 and his 14th homer. He doesn’t fear the MLB suspension. He’s got corked bats!
Mitch Moreland – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Mitch has your money.
Carlos Ruiz – Hopes to return from the DL on June 17th. That’s the Summer Carlostice.
Jonathan Pettibone – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K. Guess who he faced. Go ahead, I’ll wait. *files nails, sticks nail file into birthday cake, ships to Braun using FedEx* Yup, the Marlins.
John Mayberry – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and two homers. You’re four days late Mayberry!
Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks as he was activated from the DL and took on Tim Lincecum, who went 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. Whoa, were they wearing throwback unis for this game? First off, Johnson– Slow down, Lorena Bobbitt, I was just starting a sentence. First, Johnson was pitching in AT&T vs. a weak team. I don’t have much issue with him in the NL against weaker teams when he’s healthy, but he gets the Rangers next. Thanks, but no thanks. As for Lincecum, he’s about as unpredictable as Dickey after two Viagras and 18 gallons of lemonade.
DJ LeMahieu – 0-for-4, hitting .233 as he played 3rd while Arenado sat. You kill Rutledge’s value and now you’re working on killing Arenado’s? If I ever hear Last Night A DJ Saved My Life on the radio, I will take a sharp screwdriver to my console and rip the radio out of the dash.
Homer Bailey – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, but lost the win when LeCure gave up the win. Fun Fact! No matter how times it fails to work, whenever a Reds pitcher hurts their arm, Dusty tells LeCure to rub against them.
Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer. On Sunday, I said that he would hit 5 homers in the next ten games. Anyone want any action?
Jeff Locke – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. He’ll take his 2.45 ERA to his next start vs. the Giants. Hopefully he also brings a change of clothes.
Andrelton Simmons – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and 1 steal. After the game, he watched Earth Girls Are Easy with a pen and notepad.
B.J. Upton – Hit his 6th homer and 2nd in his last three games. Yeah, those were also his only two hits. B.J. knows it’s all about the foreplay.
Nate McLouth – 1-for-4, run and 2 steals (21 on the year). If you had McLouth in the Zombino office pool, I wanna work with you. Sounds like a fun place.
Chris Tillman – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Astros. The Stream-o-Nator isn’t the only one that has a hard time figuring out whether or not to start marginal pitchers vs. the Astros. They seem likely to produce an 8 K game for the opposing pitcher or a 7 earned run game with 8 Ks.
Giancarlo Stanton – Began his rehab assignment and now looks to be poised to return on Monday. By the way, did you know when I practice my poise, I pretend I’m balancing Giancarlo on my face?
Ricky Nolasco – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. He’s in the same boat as Erik Bedard. Nolasco could be okay, but not great and he’s on the Marlins. Hopefully, there’s a medic on that boat.
Juan Pierre – 2-for-4, 1 run and 2 steals, and third in the last three games. He should move into the top 15 all-time base stealers this year. I look forward to it just so I can see him try to struggle pulling the base out of the ground and hold it above his head.
Tyler Skaggs – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. As previously alluded to on the aforementioned tip, I watched the beginning of this game because I had Wacha and Skaggs both going (and Peavy — good day for Grey. *walks into traffic muttering obscenities*). Skaggs was also being squeezed, and you can see from his WHIP, he just gave up a few mistimed homers. Yay, I now have a bad case of xFIPlash.
Willie Bloomquist – 4-for-6, 2 runs, and 9 for his last 14. The Honorable Willie Bloomquist says justice has been served!
Will Middlebrooks – Aiming to return this weekend. Will.I.Am not owning him currently, but Will.I.Am potentially owning him once I finish this sentence and check my waivers… Dah, stupid long sentence.
Stephen Drew – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Can I just say everyone on the Red Sox went on a bawdy romp like a drunk Tom Jones? No? Okay…
Daniel Nava – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 1 RBI. According to our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater, he’s been about as valuable as Ryan Braun. That’s sure to change. But not how you would’ve thought it would change about 24 hours ago.
Mike Carp – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .301 on the year. Damn, I should’ve just had my favorite sushi chef draft for me.
Dustin Pedroia – Red Sox scored 17 runs and Pedroia went 1-for-5 with 2 Ks. Ticker tease!
Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Meanwhile, Salvador Perez wrote his mom a heartfelt email.
Michael Pineda – Set to begin a rehab assignment this weekend. He could rejoin the Yankees in a month, but there’s no guarantee he’ll be thrust back into the starting rotation. Depends how badly during his rehab assignment minor leaguers beat Pineda up, which could come down to how badly they want candy.
David Phelps – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (1 Hit), 7 Ks. Yeah, I’d pick him up. Yes, I like his K-rate and that’s about it. Sue me! If you win, you can have Nick, the Podcast Host, on every other weekend.
Mark Teixeira – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games. This is what you call a player boosting their trade value.
Asdrubal Cabrera – As reported here first after inferring shizz from elsewhere, Cabrera couldn’t make it over the quadrubal pass, and hit the DL.
Raul Ibanez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd in as many games. You might remember Ibanez angrily defended himself back in the day against a blogger who accused him of ‘roid rage, which both denied and confirmed suspicions. Ah, the salad days of public ridicule. If only Ryan Braun could threaten to beat up Jayson Stark and make this all go away.
Michael Saunders – 2-for-3 with 2 steals, hitting .220. He’s so long overdue I’m beginning to think his name is Michael Saunters. Amiright?!
Jake Peavy – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER as he left the game with an injury. An injury he probably had in his last start when he was lit up vs. the Cubs. Can players just tell someone when they’re hurt so I’m not trotting them out on my fantasy team?! Is that so effin’ hard?!
Milton Bradley – Convicted of spousal abuse. The judge will likely refuse Milton Bradley’s request to get out of jail if he rolls doubles.
