Did someone call Glenn Frey? Cuz the H is O. When the news hit, I was on the toilet, which reminded me of that famous Lawrence Taylor quote when he said, “My life is in the toilet and no one is flushing.” Ryan Braun and Alex Rodriguez‘s lives are in that same proverbial toilet; hopefully they avoid sleeping with an underage prostitute. “Baby, you ever see me break Theismann’s leg?” “The Theismann Trophy? Wow, isn’t that bronze?” “Joe Theismann, woman!” “Woman? I’m 16.” That’s an audio recording of LT in the hotel room. So, the world is ablaze with ESPN’s report that a suspension is forthcoming for Braun, A-Rod, Yasmani Grandal, Nelson Cruz, Jhonny Peralta and Everth Cabrera, amongst notable fantasy names. Gio Gonzalez isn’t in danger because he makes people write down shizz in invisible ink. “I bought this pen from the back of comic book, forgoing the 3-D glasses.” That’s Gio at the steroid reception desk. By the by, how buff was the lady taking calls at Biogenesis and how bad did A-Rod hit on her? I got questions, y’all! If Ryan Braun is suspended, the repercussions will obviously be huge for your fantasy team. However, Braun looks like he’s already battling something — the Jewish guilt? P to the erhaps. If you’re doing well in your league with the Braun that you have, chances are you can rotate through hot schmotatoes in shallower mixed leagues to give you his production. If A-Rod is suspended? Well, no one cares outside of the buff receptionist. EverCab could also send people scrambling for steals on waivers, while Cruz and Jhonny are replaceable in most mixed leagues. On the bright side, Braun’s lawyers will probably fight this for at least a month or two, and they’ve won before over what mail carrier someone used, so you never know. On the brighter side, the publishers of the Jewish Sports Hero Pamphlet can hold off on an expansion for a while. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
On the first day of the season, I said something profound and uplifting. Don’t go back to look. I’m sure I did. Today, I’m like Mark Twain talking about summer in San Francisco but less pithy. The coldest winter I ever spent was the last day of the baseball season. It’s metaphorical, friend. Trust me. […]Please, blog, may I have some more?
Adam Lind looks headed to the DL with back spasms. Wait until the Iron Shiek gets his hand on Lance Berkman. You know how he hates ex-members of the Killer B’s. I break your back! Make you humble! And… Well, you can watch the video yourself. It’s not safe for work, community outreach centers or, […]Please, blog, may I have some more?
The national budget isn’t the only thing that’s strained in DC, Ryan Zimmerman is headed to the DL with an ab strain. This was an injury that originally happened in Spring Training and now it looks like the ab has taken out a *pinkie to mouth* restraining order. Zimmerman always seemed like such a […]Please, blog, may I have some more?
Chris Narveson, his name makes me think of the insurance guy from Groundhog Day. Am I right or am I right-right? His name also would sound good recited by Chris Cornell. Chris Narveson, won’t you come and wash away the rain? Won’t you come. Won’t you come. Narveson was in my top 80 starters. Let’s […]Please, blog, may I have some more?
Kyle Drabek, the Blue Jays top pitching prospect, was called up to start on Wednesday vs. the O’s. Kyle Drabek is 24th on the top 50 prospects for fantasy baseball. He has top of the rotation stuff and a good pedigree with his dad being the former Cy Young winner, Doug. Or Guod if you’re […]Please, blog, may I have some more?
Andre Ethier had a June line of 9/3/12/.195… In 2008. June gloom? Perhaps. In 2009, he had a May as atrocious. So he can come out of this funk. In the last three years, Ethier has hit 30 points better in the 2nd half. Then again, could it be the pinkie that’s giving Ethier issues? […]Please, blog, may I have some more?
By the dawn’s early light, why are you unhealthy again, Jose Reyes?! Tough week for MIs. Rollins must be contagious. It’s the Middle Infieluenza Outbreak of Twenty-Ten. This is like in 1918 when Skeeter McGillicuddy sneezed and the Brooklyn Robins entire team was in the hospital for two weeks with the Robins forcing a team […]Please, blog, may I have some more?
It’s always fun when a player is traded from one team to another and doesn’t gain or lose any value whatsoever. Can’t wait for Moneyball: The Movie. After the last image of Billy Beane patting Scott Hatteberg on the butt, the screen fades. Over black, we read: After three straight sub-.500 years, Billy Beane, still […]Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Disgraceful List claimed two more yesterday, Josh Beckett and Grady Sizemore. Neither is a big surprise. Closest Grady Sizemore came to taking off this year was in his amateur Playgirl shoot. Even when he hit a home run, the rain washed it away. The Indians are talking about knee surgery for Grady. Turns out […]Please, blog, may I have some more?