Adam Lind looks headed to the DL with back spasms. Wait until the Iron Shiek gets his hand on Lance Berkman. You know how he hates ex-members of the Killer B’s. I break your back! Make you humble! And… Well, you can watch the video yourself. It’s not safe for work, community outreach centers or, really, anywhere there’s anyone else within earshot. From that point, browse some more Iron Sheik videos. He has a surprisingly large amount of hatred for a wide array of people and expresses his hatred in the most eloquent of ways. Okay, that was a long sidebar. As for Lind, hope he gets DL’d quickly so you can grab someone else. Yeah, I kinda just wanted to talk about the Iron Sheik. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Vicente Padilla – Mattingly said Padilla could keep closing even after Broxton returns. I say, it’s early May and things will change. To misquote my new favorite song, “Padilla is the same man, same that he’s always been.” All these buckets of rain! I love that song. Okay, moving on.
Josh Beckett – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5Ks in a no decision. Beckett suddenly has gone from a 5.78/1.54 to a sub-2.00/sub-1.00 ERA/WHIP. His dad better re-think his rookie card valuation.
Justin Morneau – 2-for-5. Two hits in one game?! There hasn’t been a game where he’s done more, no? The preceding wordplay was brought to you by Highlights Magazine.
Luke Scott – Has a partial tear in his labrum. I hear that’s common among aspiring female gymnasts.
Javier Vazquez – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 0 Ks. I’d like to Iron Shiek this guy and make him humble. Can’t someone make the proper call on the Marlins and send him to the Disgraceful List? He’s useless. Really bad year to give up avoiding V**quez pitchers.
Gaby Sanchez – Now has homers in back-to-back games while going 7 for his last 8. Yo Gaby Gaby!
Roy Oswalt – Will not be ready to return on Friday. He said, “Stupid tractor’s got its peddles all flippety-flappety. I don’t know when I can return.”
Domonic Brown – Hitting well in Triple-A. Time to start stashing him on your bench.
Aneury Rodriguez – 5 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks as he got pitchslapped by Travis Wood and gave me an aneurysm in my NL-Only league.
Chris Iannetta – 2-for-3 with his 5th homer. I’d say he’s better than Napoli but I’m afraid that I might wake up with El Caballo’s head in my bed.
Pedro Alvarez – 0-for-3. I liked the 0-for-0’s better.
Ryan Doumit – I saw that he hit a homer last week, but then he was benched. Then he hit a homer in his next start on Sunday. Then yesterday he played in his 2nd game in a row and went 3-for-4. If you play in two catcher leagues, you can grab Doumit, but keep in mind his last name is German for without glove.
Joel Hanrahan – Recorded his 11th save while rocking a 1.42 ERA. What’s the world coming to?! Somebody shoot Spider.
Travis Wood – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. On Thursday, there’s going to be a post about pitchers that have been unlucky. Guess who was going to headline it? You better knock… On Wood! Yeah, that’s the drawback to writing about a sport that changes every day. I’d still see if you could get Wood without it costing too much. And that sounded like a person bargain shopping for brothels.
Mat Latos – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. I get no pleasure from seeing someone I avoided doing poorly. Actually, that’s a lie. Schadenfreude!
Carlos Quentin – A HR and 5 RBIs to up his totals to 8 HR and 23 RBIs. Party like it’s 2008!
Edwin Jackson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. You’re glad you held tight to Jackson now, huh? What? You didn’t hold tight? Oh, your bad.
Vernon Wells – Strained groin. I used to strain my groin all the time in high school.
Trevor Cahill – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks as he FIP’ed off his non-owners.
Josh Willingham – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 6th homer while he appeals a suspension for bumping an umpire on Saturday. This is after BJ Upton had a HR and 7 RBIs during the weekend while appealing a suspension. If only Milton Bradley had just been himself in Seattle…
Milton Bradley – The Mariners designated Bradley for assignment as he wasn’t meeting their offensive standards (double meaning intended). How bad is it when the Mariners think your hitting isn’t up to snuff? It’s like the late 70’s Pirates or 80’s Mets dropping you because you do too much coke. Milton Bradley is upset but at least he wasn’t replaced by one of the Parker brothers.