Late last night, Troy Tulowitzki was traded to the Blue Jays. Both hammys, his quads, his obliques, his elbow tendons, both groins. Why does he have two groins again? Maybe we don’t need to know. The Rockies getting rid of Tulo makes me think of when a kid is dropped off at the airport to fly alone. A flight attendant walks with the kid, trying to make conversation, waits with them at the gate, helps them into their seat, watches after them on the flight, escorts them off the plane and walks them to their uncle. Once the Rockies representative handed Tulo off to his uncle, Alex Anthopoulos, the Rockies representative went into the bathroom, did a line of blow and dialed the Rockies, “We got rid of him!!!” The Blue Jays longed to have a shortstop with two good legs. Sadly, they traded Jose Reyes to the Rockies, so now they still have a shortstop with one good leg, unless the deal includes Reyes leaving behind a hammy. Obviously, leaving Coors isn’t going to help anyone, but Tulo’s big problem has always been his health. If he stays healthy, the Blue Jays aren’t exactly the Kalamazoo Fightin’ Zebras playing in Petco. The lineup around him will be better, and he’ll get to face a junkload of terrible pitchers in the AL East. As for Reyes, he might not be long in Colorado, and if he is, then he gets a boost in value, until the Mile High air creeps into his hammys and does its worst. Reyes could now get back those extra five homers that seem to have disappeared from his usual batting line. Also, in this deal, LaTroy Hawkins went to the Jays. He was the flight attendant in the above scenario. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Carlos Gonzalez – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 19th and 20th homers. Bet you’re glad you bought him super low when I told you. My favorite is now ESPN and Yahoo will be telling you to buy him. About a month too late.
John Axford – 2/3 IP, 2 ER as he coughed up the game to Kris Bryant (2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) and his 14th homer. Axford has the security of the Rockies going nowhere fast, so Axford will go nowhere, uh, slow.
Kyle Hendricks – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA up to 3.81. Ugh, I’m beginning to think he’s the newest Passive Aggressive Starter. He throws a few solid games, everyone picks him up and then he changes his Wifi network name to “StopstealingmywifiandIwillstoplettingmydogshitonyourlawn.”
Kyle Schwarber – 0-for-3, 1 run. Joe Maddon said, “You saw him play one minute of outfield (on Sunday). You might see him out there more often as we move along.” Maddon is such a gooftard. I love that he said he played one minute. Like he had a stopwatch on him.
Jason Motte – 0 IP, 3 ER as he imploded yesterday. The one thing the Cubs have in the bullpen are choices, so it wouldn’t surprise me if this is the last time Motte sees a save for a while. Rafael Soriano (1 IP, 1 ER) came into the game, and immediately coughed up a home run. Hector Rondon — Member him?! — had pitched prior in the game and has been terrific, so I’d guess Hector Rondon first for saves. With Maddon though, anything’s possible.
Shane Victorino – Yesterday, The Sciosciapath went into the General Manager’s office and congratulated him on getting the Angels a rock solid DH in Victorino to replace Cron. Interim GM, Bill Stoneman, then showed The Sciociapath pictures of how cleft palates were fixed, saying over and over again, “Cleft healed…cleft healed…cleft healed.” Then Stoneman showed him advertisements for LifeLock, saying repeatedly, “Theft shield…theft shield…theft shield.” Still The Sciosciapath’s face revealed nothing. Finally, Stoneman showed him a YouTube video of a guy who peels an orange in one peel, saying, “Deft peeled…deft peeled…deft peeled.” The Sciosciapath didn’t understand what the point of all this was, but said, “Hey, maybe I’ll play Victorino in left field.” Stoneman sighed, his subconscious warfare worked. Victorino will take over in left and will likely bat in the bottom of the order, and doesn’t gain a whole lot of value outside of deep mixed leagues and AL-Only. In slightly bigger news, Rusney Castillo (1-for-2, 2 runs) was called up by the Red Sox and will likely be in a platoon in the outfield with De Aza, and I would grab Castillo to see if he can finally click as once promised way back in 2015. Oh, wait, that’s this year. Yeah, Rusney’s lost some of his shine, but he can quickly get his shinebox back. Hmm, that’s usually used negatively, isn’t it?
Joe Kelly – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER. On a side note, I’m actually surprised the Red Sox are selling, what with Kelly, Porcello, Miley, The Comedian Steven Wright, E-Rod, that Johnson guy they called up briefly, I think his name was Brian and I think they only called him up to see if they could get anyone trending on Twitter, Justin Masterson…Meh, I guess I can stop there.
Josh Rutledge – Sent to the Red Sox in the Victorino trade because you can’t kill his sleeperiness! *cut to 2018* Rutledge is headed to Japan to play, but I love him as a late sleeper in Nippon Baseball fantasy leagues.
Brock Holt – Expected to return to the lineup on Tuesday after hyperextending his knee. I have him on one team and I thought he’d been out for months. Call him, Brock “I’m Hot As Shizz For One Month” Holt, you can imagine why he doesn’t go by his nickname often.
David Ortiz – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer, and his 3rd homer in two days. Someone’s locked in. *cut to Austin Powers, acting like he’s trapped inside an imaginary box* Help, I’m locked in!
Mookie Betts – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs. Funny thing (not funny), he could still go a dozen different places for next year’s drafts depending on how he does in these final two months. Scorching two months, and I could see him as a 2nd rounder. Terrible two months, and I could see him falling to the 6th or 7th round.
Tyler Saladino – 1-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .286. I’ve been rocking him in one league for the better part of two weeks. He once stole 38 bases in one year of the minors, i.e., SAGNOF and the S doesn’t stand for salad. Though, unless it’s a chicken salad, I guess salad ain’t got no face either.
Adam Eaton – 3-for-6, 1 run, 2 RBIs and has two homers and two steals in the last ten games. This White Sox/Red Sox series was circled back in March as being a big series for both clubs, now you’re just mad you ruined a good Far Side desk calendar.
Carlos Sanchez – 2-for-5, 1 run, hitting over .450 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Tyler Clippard – Shipped off to the Mets to work as Jeurys Familia’s setup man. Tyler Clippard sounds like a yacht captain, and now my closer flag is at half mast. Earlier this year, I traded Jeurys to Sky for Chris Davis and I owned Clippard, so it would’ve extra sweet if Clippard took over in Flushing, but that dream appears to be headed down the drain.
Edward Mujica – Seems to be the favorite for the A’s closer job, but the A’s closer map says “You Are Here” and the Common Sense map says “You Are Not Here,” so there’s some speculation to be had. I could see grabbing Fernando Rodriguez, because he’s been nasty, and Drew Pomeranz, because he’s been used in setup situations.
Cody Anderson – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER. The Regression Fairies are some vindictive SOBs.
Carlos Santana – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer. He will get hot at some point. This could be it. Finally.
Francisco Lindor – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, has hit in nine of ten games, hitting near-.350 in the last week, and I don’t know where the love is for this guy. There should be a glossary term for a prospect that everyone clamors for when they’re first called up, then enthusiasm wanes and the guy just sits on waivers. Please suggest in the comments.
Omar Infante – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Only two more to catch Bogaerts! Omar’s comin’ yo!
Eric Hosmer – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer. I’m pretty sure this homer eliminates Longoria from homering this week, it’s the Law of Grey Can’t Have Too Much Wonderful.
Kendrys Morales – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs, hitting .287. Now has back-to-back three-hit games, and…Wow, he’s owned everywhere. Sorry, I usually click on a player page first before I say hot schmotato, and if a guy is owned in more than 50% of leagues, I don’t bother saying to pick him up. Really surprised to see Morales and his 12 homers owned so much. As the Royals DH, he does get a ton of ribbies. Damn, Billy Butler is jealous.
Anibal Sanchez – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.61 vs. Nate Karns 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks. This matchup was billed as “You Own Anibal To Your Detriment Because You Know His Name vs. You Don’t Own Karns To Your Detriment Because You Don’t Know Him.” See, I know you.
Yoenis Cespedes – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Oh, please get hot, you hundred-legged bastage.
Kevin Gausman – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Braves. I like Gausman, but anyone vs. the Braves is a no brainer. Your specialty! Very funny, Random Italicized Voice. I would own Gausman in most leagues, but I would also confer with the Stream-o-Nator on him in most matchups.
Alex Wood – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. Simply because I keep getting questions about dropping him, I must do the math every time. His ERA is 2.98 on the year if you throw out his start in Coors where you wouldn’t have started him anyway.
Adonis Garcia – 2-for-5 and his 2nd homer and 2nd in as many games. Well, I guess you never know where a hot schmotato might come from. In the big picture, he is not good, call him Adonis Garbagcia.
Robbie Ray – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. Mike Montgomery 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. With one team that’s not great in away games and one team not great in home games, this was a streamer’s delight. Of course, red sky at morning, streamer’s take warning.
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 22nd homer. Au Shizz!
Robinson Cano – 2-for-3 and his 11th homer. Kinda hoping he has a huge 2nd half just to get people suckered in again next year. It might not even take that big of one. That’s what she said! Huh?
Shawn Tolleson – During pregame warmups, Keone Kela collided hard with Tolleson. Must be that Samoan blood in Kela. And also why he doesn’t wear shoes (into the shower). Tolleson says he’s fine, but I grabbed Kela just in case.
Derek Holland – Ready for a rehab assignment. Hoping he has at his ready, Big Toddler Mustache Wax.
Alex Rodriguez – 1-for-5 and his 24th homer. Member in the preseason Brian Cashman was mad about tweets by A-Rod and said the Yankees won’t pay him bonus money and said A-Rod won’t play 3rd base and A-Rod won’t do this and won’t do that? Since A-Rod started hitting, haven’t heard a lot from that midget, Cashman. Sorry, maybe that’s dwarf.
Chase Headley – 3-for-4, 2 runs, hitting near-.400 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Didi Gregorius – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer. Gregorius blasting, but I just can’t hear it, cause only in AL-Only is Didi a shortie to creep wit’.
Stephen Strasburg – Will make a rehab start on Wednesday in Triple-A. Too bad the league where I drafted him doesn’t use minor league players’ stats. Effin’ Stressbird.
Nori Aoki – 0-for-3 as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “We get most of our info by re-purposing Yahoo’s fantasy information, and, due to the white background, I can’t see anything. Mommy, is that you?”
Brandon Crawford – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Maybe, I don’t know, it’s time to move him out of the seven hole.
Chris Heston – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. He’s been so money at home all year his face should be on dollars minted in San Francisco. In a powdered wig, of course. Tradition, and all.
Ryan Braun – Was also scratched with a sore back. Get your own ailment, Braun, that’s my man Lind’s!
Jered Weaver – Will make a rehab start on Thursday, which is like his 5th rehab start. I get the sense that the Angels have prolonged Weaver’s rehab stint because they’re hoping he just gets hurt again rather than removing one of their other starters.
Kolten Wong – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer. The dong is strong with Wong.
Lance Lynn – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.71. Just keeps rolling along as you count on your fingers, trying to figure out when Verlander is starting next.
Randal Grichuk – MRI on his groin showed nothing. Sounds like the first episode of I Am Cait.