Aramis Ramirez roared with three doubles Friday night and five RBI. Dana na na naaa, da na na na naaa, da na naa, na naaa, na naaaaaaaaa! Welcome to Miller Park! One thing playing fantasy for the past 45 million years has taught me is that you always buy Aramis Ramirez in the second half, and never own him in the first. How about that headline by the way? That was my lame attempt to throw in Jurassic World reference. Anyway, I admit Aramis’ .223/.263/.406 triple slash is scarier than a charging Tyrannosaurus, and his hard hit percentage is way below his career norm. Not to mention at 36-years old he’s a bit of a dinosaur himself. However, that .230 BABIP is crazy unlucky so we can assume he’s not going to bat .223 all year. And if history has taught me anything, it’s that as the weather heats up, so does A-Ram. If his three doubles last night were any indication, he’s still got plenty of pop left in his bat, and while he may not win your heart like Chris Pratt, he could certainly be a useful commodity going forward, especially in deeper formats. He’s owned in less than 25% of leagues and I might buy Aramis Ramirez if I was looking for some pop at the corner infield position. I think this dinosaur has got a bit more roar left in him before he goes extinct, you don’t need to be a Coelurosaurus to see that.
Here’s what else I saw Friday night in fantasy baseball:
Jake McGee – 1.0 IP, 2 K, SV (2). Well, well, well, it looks like Jake “The Rake” McGee is finally the closer again like everyone wanted. Or not? Back to back clean saves, let’s just, for the sake of assumption, assume that he is the closer. He’s under 50% owned and Grey told you to BUY! Go pick him up! Yes, right now. I will wait here, I’ve got over 50 unread articles in my RSS feed, and only one-third are about Caitlyn Jenner. Here’s one: “Jennifer Lawrence’s Impossibly Short Shorts,” Impossible? Pfft. I’ll be the judge of that. Don’t mind if I click…
Matt Andriese – 5.2 IP, 6 hits, 0 ER, 5 K and his first win. Andriese pitched well in Jake Odorizzi’s place but the upside here is limited. He could be a decent play with the right match up, but I don’t think next week at Washington is the right match up.
Joey Butler– 3-for-5, run, 2 RBI. The Butler has done it! You should probably pick him up, he is a hot little potato right now, covered in sour cream, gruyere cheese and freshly chopped chives. He’s slashing .350/.377/.530. Need more? In the past two weeks, he’s hitting .375 with 2 homers, 6 runs, 9 RBI and 3 SB. He’s hotter than an inappropriate and ultimately very sad Game of Thrones joke about Stannis’ daughter. So yeah, you should grab him.
Jose Abreu – 2-for-4, HR (12). Remember when I drafted you 5th? I will never forgive you for that. Still The Grande Dolor has now homered in three straight games, and it looks like he finally figured out what Frank Thomas had been doing to his Gatorade. If you’re looking for a hail mary trade, I might buy Abreu while I still can.
Wilmer Flores – 1-for-3, 2 runs, HR (10). Wil-Flo’s got 3 homers, 9 runs and 7 RBI in the past two weeks. The batting average isn’t killing me either. If you are mad you missed out are Carlos Correa you should be, because Wilmer is no Correa. But hey, he’s worth a grab if you need a middle infielder.
Bartolo Colon – 6.0 IP, 9 hits, 2 ER, 3 K and his 9th win. Tied for the lead league in wins. Next up, the batting crown! But first, Taco Bell!
Jace Peterson – 2-for-4, run, RBI and extended his hitting streak to six games. Grey told you to BUY and in my 14-team NL only league I drafted Jace WAY too early thinking he was another Pederson named Joc. Yeah…partly because I was drinking, mostly because of who I am as a person. Like GOB, I made a huge mistake. Regardless, Jace has managed to not only remain on my team all season but has been a huge part of why it’s been successful. Still, wish I had Joc, though. You will never be Joc, Jace. And I will never let you forget that.
Carlos Gonzalez – 1-for-4, HR (7). Look at that CarGo! Vrooom! (I’m sorry guys, it’s early, and I drank a lot last night.)
Miguel Cabrera – 2-for-3, HR (13), 4 RBI. Since my wild above-ground pool party bash for Cabrera’s big-400 a month ago, Miggy hasn’t stopped sleeping at my house. He loves that dang pool yo! Go figure. It’s cool, because we’re boys and all, but if you keep eating all my pop tarts and fruit snacks we’re going to have some words.
David Price – 9.0 IP, 7 hits, 0 ER, 8 K and his 6th win. His first shut out in almost three years if you can believe that, and just the third shut out of his career. And check the stats, they are money just like Price: 2.44 ERA, 1.12 WHIP and it’s that 82/20 K/BB that makes me real happy happy. BAM!
Danny Salazar – 7.0 IP, 7 hits, 3 ER, BB, 6 K. If DannySalazarous was a dinorsaur in Jurassic World he’d be one of the good guys dinosaurs that helps Star Lord ride and maintain the motorcycles.
Jimmy Paredes – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBI. Aren’t you glad you dropped him? The answer is yes.
Chris Davis – 3-for-5, 3-run HR (13), 4 RBI. People call him CHRIS THE DISH! (Nobody calls him that.) If you’re going to bat .230, Dish, it’d be nice if you had 18-20 homers by now. Just a thought.
Mason Williams – 1-for-3, 2-run HR (1). His first career hit was the dinger! How exciting for the rookie. Led by ARod and Teix, the Yankees clubhouse celebrated with the youngster the best way they know how, bingo night at the Knights of Columbus and a round of warm Ginger beers for everyone. Those bros can party!
Ubaldo Jiminez – 5.0 IP, 6 hits, 3 ER, 2 BB, 6 K and his 4th win. I would normally only share this information with my Scientology auditor and my therapist, and even he says I’m an “over sharer” and “a bit too depressing sometimes,” but I am seriously considering grabbing Ubaldo for his start next week in Philadelphia? Am I crazy you guys? Is it my crippling depression? What do you think Dr. Feldman?
Michael Pineda – 4.1 IP, 9 hits, 5 ER, 2 BB, 2 K. After the Yankees gave him an extended rest he returned with this gem. Despite what most of the geezers in the clubhouse think, the answer to every problem ailing the players isn’t an extended rest. Maybe he needs a warm ginger ale?
Todd Frazier – 2-for-5, 3 runs, HR (18), 2 RBI, SB (7). And DOWN-TOWN GOES FRAZIER! Down-town goes Frazier! Does anyone ever refer to hitting home runs as “going downtown” or am I really stretching it here? Downtown or not, another slam and legs! Cincinnati style. That means they serve it with spaghetti and chili. Haven’t you heard? Frazier is the new Paul Goldschmidt. I wish I knew that before I didn’t draft him anywhere this year.
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4, RBI, SB (1). Eugenio has the opportunity to see some serious time at shortstop with Cozart done for the year. He’s supposed to have some decent power, too. Keep stealing bases, Eugenio. I’ll be watching you closer than the finale of Game of Thones this weekend. I liked it when the dragons.
Hector Rondon – 1.0 IP, 2 hits, 1 run, 0 ER, 2 K and his first loss. To be fair, he entered this one in a tie game in the 10th inning, but stillz. It’s pretty clear now why Maddon is iffy on Rondon. Wait. No. It’s still not.
Justin Smoak – 3-for-5, 2 runs, HR (5), 3 RBI. Has now homered in back-to-back games, and if he continues to see playing time I’d considering picking him up. I’ll be watching him closer than the finale of Game of Thrones. Did I say that already? I’m just excited. Did I mention I’m having a Game of Thrones finale party this Sunday. I’ll be wearing my Jon Snow wool cape, even though it’s 80+ degrees outside. I will recite the oath of the Night’s Watch while my real-life human girlfriend tries to sit as far away from me on the couch as possible. It’s going to be epic.
Dustin Pedroia – 1-for-5, 3-run HR (9). Strange what happens when your lead off hitter isn’t batting .240. #offense
Mookie Betts – 1-for-1, HR (6). Speaking of lead off hitters batting .240…Mookie left this one early after crashing into the wall but the injury seems mild and I’d expect him to play again this weekend.
Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-5, run, RBI. Hit third because…someone up there likes me? All those auditing sessions are paying off. Praise Xenu! Xander’s batting close to .400 in the past two weeks with 8 RBI and 2 SB. This is all happening so fast. If you don’t know by now X-Man’s mutant power is being my fantasy kryptonite. Uh-oh, I mixed Marvel and DC again…bring it on, nerds!
David Ortiz – 2-for-4, run, 2 RBI. Pablo Sandoval also homered in this one, his 6th. And if you’re wondering why Xander Bogaerts is hitting third, look no further than David Ortiz and Pablo Sandoval’s player pages. Rusney Castillo was 3-for-4, with a double, run, RBI as the Sawx started to show some signs of life, offensively at least.
Drew Hutchison – 2.1 IP, 9 hits, 8 ER, 3 BB, 3 K. Gave up three home runs in the first three innings. Lucky for him Boston’s bullpen was even worse. Not so lucky for you if you started him.
Brett Cecil – 1.1 IP, 1 hit, 1 ER, 2 BB, 2 K, SV (3). And the Blue Jays first save since early May! Kenley Jansen has saved eight games since Cecil got his last save, and Jansen was out for two of those weeks!
Wandy Rodriguez – 6.2 IP, 3 hits, 1 ER, 3 BB, 6 K. At this point we should all just lay down and accept that Texas is doing something special to their pitchers and we should just look the other way because they’re fun to watch. Way-Rod has a 3.03 ERA, and 1.18 WHIP. He gets the Dodgers next week.
Elvis Andrus – 2-for-4, HR (3), 4 RBI. I don’t trust you, but we can go on together with Suspicious Minds for now, I guess.
Jaime Garcia – 8.0 IP, 4 hits, 0 ER, 6 K and his 2nd win. When healthy, Jaime can help you with your ratios and wins. He gets the Twins next week Grey told you to BUY and I’d definitely considering grabbing him because he pitches for the Cardinals and the Cardinals win baseball games.
Yordano Ventura — 3.0 IP, 4 hits, 2 ER, BB, 2 K. Left the game with right hand weakness. The team trainer prescribed him their most hilarious novelty stress ball.
Felix Hernandez – 0.1 IP, 5 hits, 8 ER, 2 BB, K. Oh. Hmm. This certainly was unfortunate. Now let us never speak of it again.
Jose Altuve – 1-for-2, run. Left the game in the second inning with a hamstring injury. It’s expected to not be very serious, his hamstring is very small, so it shouldn’t take more than a day or two to heal.
Carlos Correa– 1-for-4, HR (2). Not a bad home debut for my new favorite obsession. If you have time please check out my tumblr fan blog on Carlos. It’s full of gifs and poetry I made just for him. He’s just RSVP’d to my big Game of Thrones finale party, and he’s dressing as Grey Worm. No! Don’t be racist you guys. Grey Worm is his favorite character, probably because he’s macking hot translator lady.
Brett Oberholtzer – 8.0 IP, 3 hits, 0 ER, 2 BB, 5 K and his first win. It sure is nice pitching with an eight run lead.
Chase Anderson – 7.0 IP, 1 hit, 0 ER, BB, 2 K and his 2nd win. He’s the D-Backs Ace. Deal with it.
Client Barmes – 2-for-4, HR (2). He’s played well in limited playing time, but its that his playing time is well, limited.
Mike Trout – 3-for-3, HR (18). His Troutness is batting .320 with 7 home runs, 11 runs, and 12 RBI in the past two weeks. Yes. I’ve got a Girl’s Crush on Mike. Hate to admit but, I get a hard rush, when he homers in clutch. I want to taste his hits, because they taste like Sweet Onion Teriyaki subs. I want his magic touch, I want Bryce just as much. I got a Girl’s Crush. Are you creeped out yet? Good. Moving on.
Kole Calhoun – 2-for-4, HR (6), 3 RBI. Just six homers for Kole, he’s way under his projected power total. Maybe you need to eat more Sweet Onion Teriyakis? Just a suggestion.
Mark Canha – 2-for-4, run, 2 SB (5). Canha get a SAGNOF! What what. Wait. What?
Brett Lawrie – 2-for-4, HR (6). Sigh. Trollz trolling. Y U Mad, bruh? Basically if I tell you to pick him up he’s going to go 0-for-15, just like last week. So I will prefer just report the stats like the expert sports journalist that I am. And just like last week, I will swig this rum, I will take this Xanax, and I will chill here like a true chiller. I suggest you all do the same.
Mike Fiers – 7.0 IP, 5 hits, 3 ER, 3 BB, 8 K and his 3rd win. I knew there was a reason I still owned this guy. For the strikeouts and the starts like these. But yeah, mostly just the strikeouts.
Adam Lind – 3-for-4, run, RBI. Lind is batting .400 with 2 homers and 14 RBI in the past two weeks. He is owned in less than half of leagues. How is this happen? I assume this is because most people abandoned their teams when they realized they missed out on Bryce Harper.
Bryce Harper – 2-for-3, HR (21), 2 RBI. Hey there, guy! We were just talking about you. B-Ryce trails Giancarlo by one homer for the league lead. Seriously guys, you do not have to battle for my love and affection. Why don’t you both come over later and we’ll settle this the old fashioned way–Greco-Roman mud wrestling.
Thanks for reading! Questions? Problems? Complaints to management? Advice, small gifts or large bribes? Please leave it in the comments below, or you can get at me on twitter @dandemanco. Join us next Saturday for another Friday recap as fantasy baseball continues next week, all week long!