I don’t usually mention pitchers in Coors. Even rarer still that I mention pitchers filled with Coors. Most pitchers with Coors are piss-poor. That’s for every definition of Coors and pitchers. Now, let’s look at the definition of belch. To eject gas spasmodically, to eruct. If erect is good, Coors definitely makes me eruct. A pitcher that throws gas in Coors usually has spastic eructions. Talk about slightly off sexy talk. A phone sex operator should mess with a customer and say, “I want your spastic eruction all over me.” “Did you just say you want me to belch on you?” Yesterday, Tyler Anderson went 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, moving his ERA to 3.04. His peripherals agree, he’s not getting by on smoke and mirrors like some children’s magician. He has a 7.5 K/9, 2.0 BB/9 and a 3.41 xFIP. Not an ace, but a safe number two, similar numbers to, say, Kyle Hendricks. We need to put aside our aversion to Rockies pitchers and throw our hat in the ring for Merry Tyler Coors. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 30th homer. I was thinking it might be a good time to take out my collectible Alfred E. Neuman kite with the giant ears– Oh no! Torenado!
Carlos Estevez – 1/3 IP, 3 ER, and his 5th blown save, ERA up to 5.18. Can’t even use ‘winning’ as a denial mechanism like his namelganger. I believe this is the part of the program where everyone needs to pick up Adam Ottavino.
Carlos Gonzalez – Left yesterday’s game with ankle inflammation, and could be out a few days. Still haven’t heard of anyone being sidelined with cankle inflammation. You messed up, God! Gerardo Parra (1-for-4) could have some short term value, Parra what it’s worth.
Bryce Harper – Aiming to return from his sore neck today. He first developed the sore neck from turning his head every time someone in the stands screamed, “I wish I would’ve drafted Trout instead of you! Or even Altuve! Or Napoli!”
Taijuan Walker – Optioned to the minors. You know shizz is pear-shaped when you get optioned to the minors when you have 300+ IP in the majors and there’s not even that much minor league season left. Ah, Taijuan, I’ll leave your 2017 sleeper post in draft mode.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.79. Hisashi my dashi — slurp, SLURP! As iffy as Iwakuma has been this year, the Dodgers still should’ve kept him after he failed the physical this past offseason. Couldn’t be a worst health risk than every pitcher they have.
Nick Castellanos – Out with a broken hand for six to eight weeks, but said he hopes to return in four. He added, “It hurts like crazy, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.”
Michael Fulmer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.43. If he pitches 49 more innings this year and keeps his ERA around where it is, he could win the ERA title in the AL. Yup.
Yulieski Gurriel – Was promoted to Double-A and is now only one step away from the majors. Rotoworld said of Gurriel, “This could be a star in the making.” Rotoworld also ranked Mauer in the 1st round two years ago. Gurriel could make an impact but he’s a Latin 32. Not a ton of guys are ‘stars in the making’ at 32 years old without one day of MLB playing time, unless they’re played by Kevin Costner.
Jose Altuve – Sat out yesterday after appearing in 202 consecutive games. Pfft, Cal Ripken once rubbed his unwashed jockstrap in Gregg Zaun’s face 202 straight times before lunch.
Jorge Polanco – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .317, and near-.400 in the last week. Jorge Polanco isn’t the bizarro world version of Gregory Polanco. He’s the Twins’ shortstop rookie, who is pushing Eduardo Escobar into a utility role. Polanco hit for nine homers in Triple-A this year, has stolen 18 bags in Double-A one year and doesn’t strike out at all. I’m not sure if he’s Erick Aybar or a rich man’s Erick Aybar, call him 5-Star, Hotel Swim-Up Bar. Either way, that’s long-term, and, for now, he’s just a hot schmotato.
Junior Guerra – Hit the DL with a sore elbow. His timetable for returning is unclear but I’d put it around February of next year, depending on visa issues.
Nick Markakis – 2-for-5 and his 7th homer, hitting .273. Let me just run by you this theory. The Greek God of Walks, Kevin Youkilis, sits on Mount Olympus. Not the mountain, but a pile of Nikon-like cameras and he can egg on certain Greek players to hit better. But only one at a time. Now, with Castellanos out, Youuuuuuuk can spur on Sparkakis. Actually, now that I type it out, this does seem likely.
A.J. Pierzynski – 2-for-5 and his 2nd homer, hitting .215. Just think, if at your draft, you accidentally drafted in the 2nd round A.J. the Pollock rather than A.J. Pollock, you would’ve been better off.
Jim Johnson – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 7th save in the last two weeks. You know what kind of run he’s on, right? Jean By the Sea Go Mez!
Zach Davies – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.58. He’s been a relatively decent streamer for the better part of the year. Would I stream him? Do I wear a size 17 shoe and shop at the Big & Tall store like JB? No, I don’t. Though, Stream-o-Nator is a bit enthused about Davies’ next start.
Keon Broxton – 2-for-5, 1 RBI and his 11th steal in only 100 ABs. JB and I talk about Keon on the podcast that’s coming later today. I mean, of course we do, he’s a Brewer. You heard of MILFs? JB has BILFs.
Julio Urias – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.66. We’re gonna look back in four years and wonder how Urias could have that bad of an ERA, and also wonder why President Trump is asking Mexicans to wear patches in the shape of a taco.
Corey Seager – 2-for-4 and his 20th and 21st homer. If Correa was a first rounder this year, Seager can’t be much further back than the 2nd round next year, can he?
Yasmani Grandal – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 17th homer, hitting .235. He’s having the most d’Arnaud year since what I imagined d’Arnaud would be doing in my brain.
Cody Reed – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.36. Next year, I’m going to say something like this, “Cody Reed is ranked 90th overall for starters, and I’d draft him. Yes, there’s a ton of pitching.” February Grey is so predictable.
Billy Hamilton – 1-for-4 and two steals (44, 45), hitting .255. As the kids say, Hamilton is woke. And by that I mean, he was Rip Van Winkle’ing for 2015 and now he’s no longer asleep.
Tony Cingrani – 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.91. He has 13 saves on the year, was it worth it? Funny (not funny) how Johnson gets seven lowly Braves saves in two weeks and Cingrani gets only 13 all year. Guess that’s why they say saves ain’t got no face.
Michael Wacha – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.45. Because there was a short schedule day, I’m mentioning Wacha (hey, Tyler Duffey didn’t even get a mention, so there’s that). Wacha shouldn’t get a mention because he’s been more or less more and more of less and less. Of course, with his subpar year, he’s still owned in 75% of ESPN leagues. Maybe I’m giving Joe and Jane Random ESPN Player too much credit, but I have a feeling that ESPN never really updates their ownership numbers.
Ichiro Suzuki – 0-for-1 as he entered the game as a pinch hitter. I mentioned this in the comments yesterday, but it still boggles my mind. The Marlins, on the last day of a road trip, send Ichiro out to get his 3,000th hit, after they’ve been promoting Ichiro breaking 3,000 hits for the last two months. They couldn’t wait one more game until they were back in Florida? Then, when they are back, they don’t even start him. Ichiro deserved better than Mattingly and the Marlins.
Christian Yelich – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer. Almost two months to the day after he won Prom King!
Johnny Cueto – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.93 vs. Jose Fernandez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.81. This matchup was billed as Jo-Fer vs. Jo-Cue, a guaranteed pitcher’s duel that will likely be over in just over two hours. That’s two hours past both pitchers being out of the game.
Brandon Crawford – 7-for-8, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 4th steal. He entered the game 2,384 hits behind Ichiro, but he gave it the ol’ college try.
Denard Span – 3-for-7, 3 runs and his 12th steal. I don’t need steals at all in one league, so I dropped Span, but as I was doing it, I knew it was going to haunt me because he’s hitting near-.350 in the last week.
Manny Machado – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer, and 4th in two days. Damn, Cousin Sweatpants, Machado is on one.
Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.02. I see his K/9 — 8.7 — and his walk rate — 2.2 — and I’m like, “Nice, he finally broke out,” then I see his ERA and I’m like, “Find and replace 2016 with 2017 and republish his sleeper post from last year.”
Kendall Graveman – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.29. Feeling a bit desperate for streamers yesterday, I almost went with Graveman, but it felt like it was writing its own obituary for my fantasy team.
Stephen Vogt – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .270. Yawn. 2015 called and said they want their Vogt back.
Logan Forsythe – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 12th homer, and his 2nd homer in the last three games, hitting near-.350 in the last week. He hit over .300 in April, June and August, but .200 in May and .196 in July. Too bad there’s no games for the Rays in October, December and February.
Kevin Pillar – Out with a sprained thumb. Melvin Upton (1-for-4) and Darrell Ceciliani (0-for-3) moved into the lineup. One guy was a top 20 outfielder prior to his trade to the Jays and one guy appears to be a career minor leaguer. Would it surprise you if Upton was the one of the two batting lower in the order and 8th? It’s almost like you need to fail an IQ test to manage a major league team.
Devon Travis – 4-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .304. To continue the above point further — or farther if you have a weird fetish with girls farting — Bautista spent how long in the leadoff slot hitting around .230? I mentioned yesterday Travis is hot. Today, I say, pick him up already.
Edwin Encarnacion – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 31st homer, hitting .265. Edwin gets no respect when people talk about potential AL MVP. People say Mookie, Altuve, even his teammate, Donaldson. Someone says what about the year Edwin is enjoying and they say, “Is he drinking wine?” *pulls on collar* I’ll tell ya, no respect.