Alex Cobb woke up in the middle of October and told his significant other that he was happy to be moving on from the Rays. It was time to get out of the AL East. Sure, Tropicana Field wasn’t unfriendly to his needs as a pitcher. Over his career, he had a home ERA of 3.10. But, ya know what? It was time to move on. Then, he woke one day in December, and told his significant other that at the Winter Meetings, NL teams would be ‘chomping on the Cobb.’ Then, off her reaction, he asked if she’d excuse the pun. Then, one day in January, as he scratched his flip-flopped feet on the deck of his boat in the Gulf, he thought about how maybe the Rays weren’t a bad club to pitch for. Then, in February, he called the Mariners’ front office with a voice modulator asking them if they needed a veteran starter. Then, in early March, he bought a Korean language Rosetta Stone as he prepped to play overseas. So, Alex Cobb signed with the Orioles, and *sighs* starts against the Yankees and Red Sox still, but now in Camden. His starts are gonna be like this: pitch is thrown, batter swings bat and screams, “Nailed it!” This feels like a move that could lead to a 4.05 ERA or a 4.85 ERA. I’m no longer interested in owning Cobb and have moved him into my top 100 starters and down the ol’ top 500 overall. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2018 fantasy baseball:
Mark Trumbo – Out for a month with a Grade 2 quad strain. That’s the grade when all strains enjoy poop jokes and start to inherit their parents’ casual racism. I’ve moved him in my top 80 outfielders.
Martin Prado – Won’t be ready for Opening Day. Backdate this news to 2012. Don Mattingly said Brian Anderson would start at 3rd base for the time being, adding, “Why did I ever shave my mustache?” We’ll never know, Don. I just went over Brian Anderson in my 3rd basemen to target.
Dan Straily – Won’t throw for about a week due to a tight forearm. Everything sounds fine here: insert room burning meme with dog saying “I’m fine.” I haven’t moved Straily in my top 80 starters yet, but I’d be lying if I said this instilled mucho confidamente en moi.
Zack Greinke – In his last game, he “departed with a tight groin.” That sounds like a man who had a heart attack from too much Viagra. To clarify, Greinke departed a spring start with a tight groin. TMI! His velocity was up in the 1st inning from his previous spring starts, but now he might miss a start or two to start the year. Getting harder to own Greinke right now. Hey, sounds like I have a tight groin too!
Miguel Andujar – Optioned to Triple-A to start the year. Once Drury was acquired, Andujar was ticketed for Wilkes-Barre, who I believe also coached the Hawks. Andujar was moved down in the top 20 3rd basemen.
Michael Lorenzen – Strained his teres major muscle near his shoulder. The teres major muscle is the very model of a modern major general shoulder injury. This puts the setup man job in the Reds’ bullpen firmly on the shoulders of *flips coin* David Hernandez! Unless he chooses to punt.
Jose Peraza – Don’t wanna start giving each other sex-eyes and back rubs, but Billy Hamilton is thisclose to getting removed from the leadoff spot, and Peraza would be the logical replacement. (Though, Jesse “The Fonz” Winker could too.)
Ryan Zimmerman – Says he’ll be fine to start the year, even though he’s going to have about a week’s worth of spring at-bats to start the year. There’s writing on the wall here and it’s not a Banksy, it’s a giant flashing caution sign. Don’t ask me how writing is flashing, you’re being too literal.
Ronald Acuna – Sent down to start the year. I haven’t moved him from my very aggressive ranking in my top 100. I see no reason why ¡Acuna! can’t obliterate all we know about how baseball is played, and change how we and future generations wear our hats. No pressure!
Tommy Joseph – Rangers claimed him off waivers. To-Jo will pinch-hit and be in charge of answering the phone when Ron Washington calls at 3 AM to talk.
Jose Abreu – Left yesterday’s game with what I think was hamstring tightness, though it could be a strain because there’s conflicting reports. Be safe, I hear conflicting reports can be dangerous this time of year.
Ryan McMahon – Doubtful to make Opening Day roster. So, I got this bread that I call OH, and I got this meat I call EL, and I’m going on a picnic with Ryan McMahon and feeding him some EL OH EL’s. Yo, seriously, the Rockies are stupid, yo. Why can’t they ever play a rookie 1st baseman? They put their hand on the Bible and swear to Todd Helton they’d only play old doodes at 1st? I need to know! Any hoo! I updated the top 20 1st basemen for McMahon’s new projections.
Jorge Polanco – Suspended 80 games, and updated him in top 20 shortstops. It is ironic that an Escobar is going to benefit from a drug bust.
Melky Cabrera offered to build him a website about the benefits of Stanozolol, under the pseudonym, Porge Jolanco. https://t.co/pVADvnvrnO
— Razzball (@Razzball) March 18, 2018
Jason Vargas – Non-displaced fracture of his hamate bone on his glove hand. Mets trainers now just need to look at their pitchers to cause harm. Vargas had surgery, and sounds like he might miss a start or three, but should return shortly. “Watch your modifiers!” That’s Altuve upset at “shortly.”
Michael Conforto – Seems to be progressing quicker than anticipated from shoulder surgery. I wanna believe in rainbows, unicorns and the Mets having positive news, but, man, this is a tough one to get fully behind. Rushing a guy after shoulder surgery does not seem to best protocol. Plus, everyone knows the best Protocol is with Goldie Hawn! 72 years young! Go ‘head, wanna be cougar girlfriend!
Jharel Cotton – Diagnosed with a strained UCL. Sounds like Cotton’s done for the season. Damn, we didn’t see him for one Cotton pickin’ minute. I’ve updated the top 100 starters.
Brett Anderson – Signed a minor league deal with the A’s. Weird, usually the A’s bring in big-money free agents. Huh.
Justin Turner – Out for six to eight weeks with a broken wrist. Or maybe it’s seven to nine weeks. Or perhaps four to six weeks. Depends who you’re asking. I’d ask a doctor, but what do I know? This pushes Logan Forsythe into a starting role, which is good for my Tout Wars team, but bad for–Oh, why focus on the negative, right? Okay, if we must, not only is Turner out through mid-May, when he returns, his left wrist may not be right, like an anatomical Freaky Friday. I’ve moved him in my top 20 3rd basemen and out of my top 100 for 2018 fantasy baseball. Also, my Fantasy Baseball War Room has been updated.
