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If you can look at how Alejandro Kirk is built and not giggle, you are a much better person than me. How do you be so good? Sometimes I’m very left side of my brain, sometimes I’m very right side of my Brian. What do you use to shut off the whispers that Alejandro Kirk looks like a cross between a baseball player and a tree stump? An adorable tree stump, naturally. Like one used in glamour photos for a young family before a casino moves in down the street and steals all of mom’s attention with keno. Do you pray to shut off the whispers? Ah, a religious man. Great, that brings us to Kirk Hammerin’. Yesterday, Alejandro Kirk (3-for-4, 3 runs) hit his 6th and 7th homer, hitting .290, and has three homers in the last two games. You getting my one thousand percent guarantee he’s a hot schmotato. Alejandro Kirk’s 2022 fantasy value? He would be a top ten catcher overall if he got the at-bats. If you’ve seen his body, you know he has no ABs. I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist. Like him at a buffet. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Steven Matz – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.70. Long Island’s Steven Matz returned to New York showing off his increased velocity. The increased velocity is supposedly from “the wind behind him from leaving the Mets.”

Marcus Semien – 2-for-3 and his 38th homer. *sprays lotion on hands, waves hands* These are my Semien happy hands. Don’t call them jazz hands. Sounds too much like something else.

Gerrit Cole – Left yesterday’s game with a tight hamstring. That’s a case for the Hormel hotline.

Blake Snell – 7 IP, 2 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.22. Our resident deep diver, Coolwhip, tells me he’s going to try and do a post on Snell this week, and specifically what changes occurred to make Snell less Loose-Pantsed Robbie Ray and more Tight-Pantsed Robbie Ray of this year. Looks sustainable now that I see the reasons that were covertly given to me by Whip. Has to do with pitch mix changes around two months ago.

Packy Naughton – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.57. Packy Naughton sounds like he looks. Surprised he doesn’t take the field each inning with a pump trolley. As for fantasy, Streamonator isn’t gonna like Packy and neither am I.

Enrique Hernandez – 0-for-5 as he was activated from the Covid IL. Whew, now Alex Cora can move Taylor Motter out of the leadoff spot. Why did Alex Cora opt for Motter over, say, Alex Verdugo while Enrique was out? Because Motter had a .192/.276/.308 slash line, of course! What’s the Motter you!

Bobby Dalbec – 2-for-2, 4 RBIs and his 19th and 20th homer. Been saying you should pick him up for the past two weeks. I won’t be ignored, Dan!

Eduardo Rodriguez – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.15. The Yankees are lucky the Red Sox suck, but real question: What happens in the playoffs when you’re not going to have another team conveniently losing every game for you? As for Ed-Rod, I was out on him in March, nothing’s changed my mind all season.

Mike Zunino – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 28th and 29th homer. Remind me to noogie myself for dropping Zunino for Haase. *turns to mirror* You’re gonna feel my wrath.

Nelson Cruz – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 29th and 30th homer. This was the first time two visiting hitters homered twice with 4+ RBIs in a game at Fenway since Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris, two ex-teammates of Nelson Cruz.

Drew Rasmussen – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.25. Lots of rinky-dink contact off Rasmussen that impressed me. Rays just make these guys out of nothing. Rasmussen is prolly a security guard at Hot Topic in the offseason. Streamonator hates his next start and I don’t love it either, but if anyone can pull it off it’s Rasmussen: Mall Cop.

Jesse Winker – Had a setback with his intercostal strain. Winker and Senzel walk out of a doctor’s office saying, “That guy is great,” do you go to find a different doctor?

Nick Castellanos – 1-for-5 and his 27th homer. Not sure if you heard this week’s Patreon podcast, but we talk about how they gave us a shoutout in the very reputable NY Post. It’s regarding Castellanos, that’s why it’s in his blurb.

Jonathan India – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 19th homer. Petitioning my league commissioner to give Cody Bellinger 19 homers, saying I outsourced Cody’s power output to India.

Ian Happ – 3-for-4 and his 20th homer, and 3rd homer in the last week. Can’t tell if Happ was waiting for the Cubs or my fantasy team with him to be out of it.

Eric Lauer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.18 vs. Aaron Nola – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.57. This matchup was billed as, “An explanation why the guy with Eric Lauer in your league is beating the guy with Aaron Nola.”

Avisail Garcia – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer, hitting .266. This guy is the answer to the trivia question: Who’s someone you wouldn’t guess is almost a top 25 outfielder?

Adam Duvall – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 32nd homer, hitting .228. Across the street from Marla Gibbs! Who are you, Adam Duvall? Jackeé?

Ozzie Albies – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 27th homer. Could convince me he’s a top 15 overall pick next year. Think it’s crazy? He’s easily top 15 this year on the Player Rater.

Albert Pujols – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer as he returned to St. Louis for the first time since 2019. Can’t wait until he’s reunited with the Cards next year. Picking throws from Wainwright, hugging Molina after homers, losing their dentures in the Gatorade bucket. Hopefully none of them fall victim to the AARP cover jinx.

Justin Turner – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 22nd and 23rd homer. I’ve heard of ginger root but never rooting for a ginger! *hand under armpit, making fart noises*

Will Smith – 4-for-4, 2 runs and his 23rd homer, hitting .273. The difference between his fantasy value at 2nd best catcher, and 3rd best, J.T. Realmuto, is the same as the difference between the 6th best catcher and the 15th best.

Alex Bregman -3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. And you said he retired! Ha, wrong again! He just seemed like it.

Jake Odorizzi – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.28, in 66 pitches. I wonder if the Astros said to Dusty, “You’re world-renown for pitching Aaron Harang for 278 pitches per game, so we’ll hire you, but you have throttle pitchers’ innings.” And Dusty was like, “Eff it, el eff gee.”

Kyle Lewis – Shut down for the remainder of the season. Kyle Lewis 2022 sleeper incoming! *dodges tomato* What? *dodges an egg* Sorry! *dodges a nunchuck* Okay, chill!

Logan Webb – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.64, as this start was in Coors. Sonavabench! Wow, okay, I’m impressed. The Rockies suck, don’t get me wrong, but the Giants starters are breezing through them like en bee dee.

Aaron Civale – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.25, as he was activated from the IL. Not a huge fan of this guy, but he could be okay. At least he shouldn’t be on a 50-pitch count like some starters, but more like 80 pitches. Would tend to look at the Streamonator for him, though.

John Gant – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 3.78. The whole time we thought Gant was manufacturing quality starters for the Cards in his Quality Starter Factory located in his hair, but he left St. Louis and he’s still better than he should be. Looks like you can take it with you (the factory located in his hair).

Chris Stratton – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.76, and his 3rd save, as David Bednar (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.18) worked the 8th. It’s pretty cool how the Pirates are letting Stratton and Bednar share saves. I’m joking, it’s not cool. They’re just cheap bastages and trying to keep Bednar from driving up his cost.

Cedric Mullins – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 27th homer, hitting .307. I’d throw an MVP vote on him if I were in the BBWAA, because Mullins deserves it and also for all the baseball writers to Mitch and Yoan that he’s not on a winning team so he shouldn’t get a vote. Call the BBWAAHmbulance.

Austin Hays – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer, and his 2nd homer in the last three games. According to ESPN, he’s available in more than 50% of leagues, so hot schmotato, I guess, but he should just be rostered.

Carlos Santana – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer, hitting .225. He had a decent 1st half, but now he’s just a prospblock for Pratto.

Zac Gallen – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.32. Streamonator liked this start vs. the Rangers and hates his next vs. the Dodgers, which also checks out in my giant thing on my shoulders–brain!

Pete Alonso – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 31st and 32nd homer, hitting .269. Albombso! Pete and repeat.

Carlos Carrasco – 5 IP, 1 ER (3 unearned), 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.88. Glad the final line looks better than he looked on the field because none of my leagues have a Perception category.

Jacob deGrom – Diagnosed with a partial tear of his UCL in his elbow. Don’t worry, the Mets said he’s day-to-day. Skull emoji where the skull’s nose slowly grows longer and longer with each injury report. A bird lands on the skull emoji’s Pinocchio nose and begins to crap on the nose. Sandy Alderson said, “The ligament is perfectly intact at this point. Whatever condition existed before, it’s resolved itself.” DeGrom’s UCL is like a worm growing back its head. Actually! I know, it’s a worm that knows magic! “Abracadabra, I, the Worm UCL, will regenerate on the count of three!” With five cans of Fix-A-Flat, you couldn’t inflate my pants large enough for the grapes it’s gonna take to draft Jacob deGrom in 2022.