Steamer/Razzball projections are at or near the top with the best projections in baseball. Not the best at our site, that’s easy, they are. They’re the best when people drop nerd science with coefficients and variables and charts and graphs and other shizz I don’t understand. Articles have been done, things have been written, nerds have yelled at their mothers to not bother them right now. Steamer/Razzball projections are great. They were the best free baseball projections last year. Those projections drive the Stream-o-Nator, Hitter-Tron and our other tools. What in the effy-eff does this effy-eff have to do with effin’ anything? Those projections gave three players a 20/20 season Mike Trout, Carlos Gomez and Steven Souza. I just got goose-pimplies writing that. Seriously, feel my arm. That’s not my arm! Hey now! Souza could only hit .240, but there’s no reason why he is only owned in 19% of ESPN leagues. Well, there is a reason, but I don’t want to insult anyone. That ownership number is a miscarriage of fantasy justice. You, the great people of the world, raise your mouse-clicky hand. First, put down the Krimpet, you have butterscotch frosting on your fingers. Just put it down on your desk for a second, no one’s going to take it. People don’t even want to be near you when you’re eating. Okay, now take your recently freed-up hand and go to your waivers and grab Souza. It’s your duty. Hehe, I said duty. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Dalton Pompey – As Sean Kingston would say, “There’s a fire burning on the dance floor by Pompey.”
Alejandro De Aza – Today will go down in– what’s the opposite of infamy? Unfamy? Today will go down in unfamy as the day there was a shizzton of 10+ HR/20+ SB outfielders on waivers.
Desmond Jennings – Not doing a ton of anything other than stealing, but, at some point, he will hit his usual 10 to 15 HRs. You can count on it, if you count by 10’s or 15’s.
Travis Snider – It sure is taking a long time for people to pick Snider up. It’s like he’s burned you before in past seasons or something. *applies cocoa butter to Snider burns*
Jake Marisnick – The year was 1961. The Yankees had a 1 PM game scheduled when Roger Maris saw Mickey Mantle coming out of a bar at noon. Angry at what The Mick was doing to himself, he put him in a cab and sent him home. The cab driver was planning on working a half day, then taking in the Yankee game and wanted The Mick to play. The cabbie knew the only way The Mick would play is if he sobered up or he got The Mick so blotto he became sober-drunk. Sober-drunk was the easier of the two options so the cabbie began to ply him with scotch. 45 minutes later, Mantle leaned against old Yankee Stadium to urinate and told the cabbie, “You’re the best coach I ever had.” In that game, Maris and Mantle both homered twice, and to honor that day the cabbie changed his name to Rogey Marismick. Many years later, Rogey went to see an exhibit at Ellis Island and the lady, who was selling admission tickets, misread his credit card and changed his name to Marisnick. For our purposes, his son, Jake, can hit 12 homers and steal 20+ bases.
Denard Span – Denard Dawg is worth owning for SAGNOF and runs since he should be activated any day now, Annie Potts.
Ender Inciarte – Hitting around .400 and so sneaky good he has CIA in the middle of his last name.
Matt Joyce – This is more of a Hitter-Tron call, though I’m not entirely sure the Hitter-Tron doesn’t like Joyce just because the Hitter-Tron named his washing machine Joyce and then covered himself in detergent and hit the spin cycle.
Jarrod Dyson – Run, Chicken Man, run!
Caleb Joseph – Hitting .375 and filling in for Wieters admirably. Those are big shoes, after all. I mean, Wieters was touted as the savior of all of baseball when he was first called up. Yeah, no hype there. Nice call, Keith Law. Baseball scouts are wrong as much as baseball hitters. If they get three out of ten right, they appear to be Hall of Fame-level scouts. Speaking of which, watch out for, Tim Beckham, Gordon Beckham, Brian Matusz, Kyle Shipworth, Yonder Alonso, Aaron Crow and Jason Castro! That is merely seven names from the top ten of the 2008 baseball draft.
Mark Canha – I picked this guy up about a week ago in my 15-team mixed league, because, well, where do I start? I own Arcia, for one. You feeling me? Could you stop feeling me now? Canha will likely need to be platooned because…A’s, but Canha had 20 HRs in Triple-A last year.
Alex Guerrero – Mattingly has to play Guerrero, right? There’s still no closer, Mattingly is hitting Pederson eighth, he benches Puig for Ethier, he shaved a glorious mustache. So, what Mattingly has to do and what he does do? Two different things.
Devon Travis – I just gave you my Devon Travis fantasy last week. I wrote it with the power of twelve mules. By the by, if you have no interest in owning Travis, you haven’t watched him hit. He looks like a black Pedroia. I will call him Pedafroia.
Jonathan Schoop – Has three homers, is batting .292 and is owned in 4.8% of leagues. Javier Baez was sent to the minors, but hasn’t done much there because he’s been on a leave of absence for a few weeks due to a personal matter and is owned in 19.2% of leagues and just this week Baez’s ownership went up 7.8%. Can’t make that stuff up. I mean, I can, but you’d be able to fact check it pretty quickly.
Yangervis Solarte – Been playing 2nd base while Gyorko sits in the corner of the dugout and thinks about what he’s done to all of those that trusted him.
Marcus Semien – Is it weird that I had a dream that The Harangutan was pitching to Semien and Jane Goodall ran on the field to kiss The Harangutan, but she was endowed like Morganna? Now that I see it written out, it’s not weird at all.
Jake Lamb – Could lose playing time to Yasmany, if Yasmany can figure out what side of his glove to put his hand into. “Can I just put the baseball glove on my head? I saw that in The Bad News Bears, which was a huge blockbuster in Cuba in 2013.” That’s Yasmany talking to Chip Hale.
Eric Campbell – Here’s what I said the other day, “The Mets recalled Eric Campbell, no relation to Dave or the soup. I bid a ton on him in one NL-Only league because I had Kelly Johnson starting (don’t ask). Campbell was hitting well in Triple-A (PCL, the stats don’t matter, don’t ask). Likely he’s a short-term call-up, but for those in deep leagues, I’d look at him.” And that’s me quoting me!
Cody Asche – Hot schmotato alert! Oh, wait, these are all hot schmotatoes. I liked Asche a lot last year, but obviously that was a bit premature — hey, are we still talking about Semien? I liked Asche, because he wasn’t a complete pushover in the minors with the bat: .295, 15 HRs, 11 SBs in Triple-A in 2013.
Jed Lowrie – He’ll cool off at some point and you can drop him then. I promise. 9&xlsawa24! Dah, I had my fingers crossed. No promises!
Jose Ramirez – Love his combo of speed and power, but I get it, his .182 batting average ain’t a barrel of Harangutans. I would try to give Ramirez a bit more time, though.
Mike Dunn – Let’s get the SAGNOF portion of the program out of the way, shall we? (By the by, don’t ever end a question with shall we in real life or someone would be justified to punch you.)
Yimi Garcia – He’s my Roberto Osuna pick of the week, i.e., I don’t know if he’ll get saves but his K-rate is ridunk, dunk, dunk. Pitches like what, what, what. He can move your butt, butt, butt. Let me see him pitch so strong.
Tony Watson – Melancon is pitching about as well as people pronouncing Melancon.
Danny Farquhar – Yoervis Medina could be the go-to guy here, but I don’t think Rodney is in serious trouble of losing the job. I mean, he should lose the job, but that doesn’t mean he will.
Danny Salazar – I just went over him this morning. Use your scrolly finger, you’ll find it.
Miguel Gonzalez – A commenter tipped me off on Wednesday that Gonzalez has the 3rd best ERA since July of last year. Though, I’m not sure if that’s accurate after researching it. Gonzalez has been terrific (2.19 ERA post-All Star break last year), and I nearly made him the lede today, but his K-rate over his career is 6.5 and that’s in a lot of innings, and he’s 30 years old, so I don’t think he’s suddenly become something he’s not. I’d grab him while he’s pitching well, but I’m not completely sold that he’s more than 3.60 ERA, 6+ K/9.
Carlos Martinez – This isn’t a grab because he could do well in his next start. This is a “He should be owned” grab, and hopefully he does well in his next start.
Edinson Volquez – It may or may not continue, but he has a 1.2 BB/9 right now. That’s from a guy that throws 94 MPH. Grab him with the Volqen Death Grip.
Jimmy Nelson – Should just be owned like I said for C-Mart. Nelson has about one more good start before all the Jimmy and Janie Schmohawks at ESPN highlight him.
Anthony DeSclafani – The great thing about DeSclafani is he has great control, so even if he gets bombed, it shouldn’t be that bad. Yes, March Grey is surprised that April Grey thinks there’s anything great about DeSclafani. Or that he even knows how to spell his name.
Travis Wood – If he does well in his next start, and I imagine he will, he’s going to be the hottest add in all of fantasy land. That’s all of the land that doesn’t see the sunlight, except on the television during day games.
Andrew McCutchen – Here is a small little news item from the March issue of Ebony, “The Dread Pirate no more, McCutchen cut off his dreadlocks. He’s still a man of style in our book. Holla at ya boy.” Then the article updated Bobbi Kristina and why man-scarves are so dang popular. Maybe McCutchen was like Samson deriving power from his hair. You would’ve thought dreaded was a bad thing, but if speed’s the key then show me the dreadlock. He’s been plagued with knee problems since the spring, and sliding and running and diving for catches and everything can’t be easy on his knees. So far, he’s attempted one steal and was caught. After only being caught three times all of last year. McCutchen, without speed, is a 22-homer outfielder with a great average. Still solid, but not a first rounder. I wouldn’t sell him for a ticket to see Sanjaya in concert, but I would explore options.