Grey say, “Devon Travis my boo-boo.” Obama say, “What it do?” The Buy/Sell Column say, “Did you miss me?!” During the offseason, while you were diddling and thinking about how your middle school nickname was Skidmark, I, The Buy/Sell Column was re-reenacting scenes from The Act of Killing with puppets in a staged production on the western tip of Alaska because I’M HARDCORE! You want some Rip Taylor-wannabe, throwing confetti at your feet or you want a Buy/Sell Column that be cutting puppets’ necks with chicken wire while bundled up because it was frickin’ cold in Alaska during the winter!? Mental midgets, you want the latter! I’m eating puppet stuffing like I’m George “The Animal” Steele just to prove how crazy I am! Okay, enough of the hubbub on the tomfoolery, I love Devon Travis like his momma. Let’s throw out what he’s done this year so far for small sample size reasons — that’s what she said! Huh? — and simply look at Travis’s minor league stats. In Single-A, he hit .352 with 6 homers and 14 steals in 77 games. That’s a young man’s professional ball level, let’s move up higher. In Double-A last year in 100 games, he had 10 homers, 16 steals and a .298 average. He didn’t strike out a lot. He wasn’t getting by on his good looks and high BABIP (for him). If you take me out of the equation, ZiPS gives him 13 HRs, 11 SBs in only 116 games. Unless he gets hurt, there’s no reason why he can’t play at least 140 games, so that makes him a 17 HR, 15 SBs guy. Oh. Wait a minute, that’s glorious. Also, I think the Jays are gonna move him to the top of the order by May 1st. Let’s just pray that the Jays don’t do something stupid when Izturis is healthy again. Because…They say with Devon love comes first! We’ll make Devon a place on earth! Sing it, Belinda Carlisle! (By the by, Belinda Carlisle? Hot Cougar Alert! She could be 85 years old and sexy as all get out!) If you’re hurting at MI, I’d grab him, because I’m randy for Travis. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Brad Miller – There’s a name for a guy like me. A guy that continues to get interested in Miller no matter how many time he disappoints. That name is romantic. No, not sucker. How dare you.
Jace Peterson – A word in general about the Buy/Sell’s ordering. There is no ordering. Don’t ask me if this order is how I’d pick them up. There’s no way I could order guys for every single fantasy team. That’s even why I do tiers in the preseason ranking. Different guys do different things. Miller is a lot more appealing to a team that needs some power. Jace is more appealing to a team that needs speed and runs. Also, when in-season, things change on the daily, so one ordering is right on Friday at noon and one is right on Sunday. Also, guys in the Buy are under 50% owned per ESPN on Thursday. Don’t ask me why Asdrubal isn’t a Buy. First, he kinda sucks. Second, he’s owned too much. Okay, I need a massage after all that serious talk. My glutes are tight!
Brett Lawrie – If you liked him in the preseason, and you did — I know you. You and you’re droopy Forest Whitaker eyelid — then why are you dropping him after three games? Cause three games means so much? You liked him in the preseason when he wasn’t good for the last 300 games! Sorry, you need tough talk sometimes.
Jose Iglesias – I get the feeling he’s just a hot schmotato, because nothing in his career shows me a guy that could breakout above a 3-HR, 10-steal guy, which is yawnstipating at best, and “I want to glue my eyelids shut” at worst.
Stephen Vogt – Grab him, just don’t change your team to Rock the Vogt. That’s trademarked by Kurt Loder.
Adam Lind – Don’t know much, but I know Lind-a-want stats! (You’re reading a fantasy baseball site that alludes to Linda Ronstadt. Don’t you feel dirty?)
Kendrys Morales – Hitting in the middle of a solid lineup and could surprise with 30 homers. I mean, I wouldn’t expect it, but I wouldn’t be shocked by it either. He is after all only a Latin 31. (Is there any chance he’s actually 31? In his player page pic, he looks older than my dad.)
Yonder Alonso – He’s owned in .2% of leagues. Adam Dunn is owned in .5% of leagues. That’s the Dunn who is retired. .5%! Malcolm X couldn’t even find enough anger for the Point-Five-Percent Nation.
Alex Avila – Started this year like he’s Ted Williams’s frozen head stamped with Stouffer’s and put into a microwave, so why not just grab him and see where it goes? He does have a decent year under his belt, though it’s as easily found as something under Sandoval’s belt.
Derek Norris – Hitting 2nd in a decent lineup and I wouldn’t be surprised if you got from him a poor man’s Lucroy. Call him Lucroix’s Po Boy.
Miguel Castro – Here’s what I said earlier today, “For you cinephiles, he’s now Cecil B. DeMoted. Gibbons replaced him as closer with the dreaded closer-by-committee. Cecil didn’t look good in Wednesday’s game as I said yesterday, but I’m surprised he was replaced this fast. Gibbons is overreacting faster than a fantasy manager! One inning? Really, Seth Myers? Oh, well. I wouldn’t drop Cecil just yet because it’s still early and could get the job back in two weeks and still get 30 saves this year. Miguel Castro looks likely to replace him. Roberto Osuna looks devastatingly nasty, but is very raw at 20 years old, which seems to be everyone’s drawback for him. Um, yeah, Castro is a whole month older than him. *shrugs* Meh, what do I know?” And that’s me quoting me!
Jeurys Familia – Look what the cat dragged in…and over the keyboard to get the name Jeurys.
Adam Ottavino – April is the best month for save speculating. Some guys will come into April with no job and leave the month with the job for the next five months. Ottavino, Jeurys, Soria all come to mind, brucely, because I have a bad memory and I just wrote their names.
Brandon McCarthy – It’s hard to give you starter pick ups this early when a lot of guys haven’t even thrown yet, but here’s one preseason favorite of a lot of people that looked like hot garbage stuck to the bottom of Roseanne Barr’s ass in his first start, but I’d still look to grab him.
Tom Koehler – Sometimes I like to go to waivers and move my mouse with my eyes close while Cougs stands behind me saying, “Warmer, warmer, warmer…Koehler.” As I said the other day, I’m watching Koehler like a cyclops with a monocle after he had a solid 2nd half last year.
Shane Greene – Under 5% owned in ESPN leagues, but 29% owned in Razzball leagues. Look at you, being all smart!
Carlos Martinez – Nothing’s changed here since the preseason, except for that bald spot of yours widening.
T.J. House – Another guy where nothing’s changed since my preseason rankings. Yet. Again, with some stank…YET!
Alejandro De Aza – Has been playing every day, which I think ends, but De Aza still has de value. See what I did there? Did you SEE!? It was actually a typo that I was too lazy to fix. Yes, I wasn’t too lazy to write an extra 150 words about the typo. Your point?
Anthony Gose – SAGNOF!
Jake Lamb – The other day I was all rowdy-bowdy grabbing Lamb like a Greek man who was horny for gyro, but I dropped him the next day because I had no room. I regretted it as soon as I dropped him, which means he’s going to be a huge breakout this year.
Will Middlebrooks – Is it me or does it feel like 3rd basemen waiver wire pickups are filled with guys that have stuck a knife deep in your back at some point in the recent past? Middlebrooks, Mostsuckass, Lawrie, Castellanos, Headley, A-Rod… Well, that wasn’t a knife with A-Rod.
Masahiro Tanaka – I realize I’m telling you to sell a guy low. Don’t shoot the messenger, but I told you not to draft him in the first place. After Tanaka’s shellacking the other day, Girardi said, “He’s going to have to make some adjustments.” Yeah, like throwing with the arm that doesn’t have a torn elbow tendon. Maybe Hacky Sacking the ball to home? That would be an interesting adjustment. Only a dirty hippie in a hemp jersey would have a chance of returning a Hacky Sack volley. Daniel Norris lives out of his van, try to Hacky Sack it to him. I wouldn’t trade Tanaka for a VHS recording of the Afterschool Special, “I Missed My Curfew Because I Was Huffing,” but I’d explore options.