What’s poppin, Razzpimples? Think this is gonna be my set-it-and-forget-it greeting for the rest of my Razzcareer.
I’ve got a new format for you gals and guys this week. Nothing groundbreaking, but I’m taking a page out of Keelin’s book and will be organizing this column by division. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Happy Tuesday everyone, how about the weekend we just saw? Trevor Story is back…I think. 1.527 OPS last week is good…..I think. The Cardinals had every player in the starting lineup with a hit, run, and RBI on Sunday and Yadier Molina showed he is no Anthony Rizzo on the mound. Please, blog, may I have some more?
We’ve made it to the first quarter mark of the season! Now what? Well, based off his extensive experience of climbing out of the gutter, Grey is here to help you figure out a strategy. After that, we go on to discuss some of the hot, and cold, performers from May and where they might fit in the positional ranks moving forward. Please, blog, may I have some more?
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Pirates' front office looking at the clock labeled, "Service Manipulation." The big hand clicks towards "Extra year of service time," and the little hand creeps towards, "Being cheap AF." Just as Being Cheap AF and Extra Year of Service Time meet at 12 o'clock, a little birdie flies out in a Pirates' jersey with the uniform number for Tyler Glasnow and starts cuckooing. With that, Roansy Contreras was called up by the Pirates, and will start today. In Triple-A, he had 2.66 ERA, 1.18 WHIP, 10.6 K/9, 4.9 BB/9, and a 1.33 HR/9. He can be electric, but those walks scare me. Yo, I don't trust the Pirates at all. Not with pitchers, not with hitters, not for nothing but not with nothing. No trust. Anyone rostering Ke'Bryan and Bryan Reynolds liking it? Has Mitch Keller clicked yet? Will he ever? How's Oneil Cruz doing you? Sucks to put that all at Roansy's feet, but there ya go. That's my feelings on him. For those that found us by googling "sucks" + "feet," you a freak! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Remember that ultra-successful Hollywood box office hit Lucky Number Slevin? Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, Lucy Liu, Josh Hartnett -- what is this, The Sleventh Sense? That'd be a cool sequel, bee-tee-dubs. A little kid who steals money from banks because ghosts tell him all the secrets and then he uses psychic powers to steal from the rich and give to the poor. Who doesn't love a Robin Hood archetype? ENYWHEY. Think about some kind of dumb title for this article like Week Slevin Top Hurlers! Hypehouse Arms: 2 Months minus 1 Week Edition! Can we get Jason Blum to produce this? Could use a good jump scare after this first item I share with you. Quickly, onto the Main Act!
Great, now I'm hungry for a cereal that leaves your mouth looking and feeling like a Saw filming location. YOU WANNA PLAY A GAME IN MY MOUTH? Wait, uh... And yes, that is not a typo, the actual name has two "Crunch's" which I never really noticed until I actually had to type it out. I mean, why does the Cap have to be redundant like that? I know you're Cap'n Crunch homey, why not just give us the berries? And will no one think of José Berríos here who has to be crunched twice for the metaphor to work? I will, for I am Jay, philanthropist, life coach, virtuous drunk, and that's just before lunch! But enough about my over-qualified CV, let's talk about the struggles of one Crunch-Crunch Berríos... yeah, definitely does not have a great ring to it. Nor crunch. All of them.
Good day, All:
It’s another exciting week to be a baseball fan, as Adley Rutschman, Matthew Liberatore, and Nolan Gorman have received call-ups from their respective MLB clubs. Mike Trout is doing Mike Trout things, as he’s now the only player in history with 1,000+ R, 200+ SB, and 1.000+ OPS through his age-30 season (per MLB stats). Please, blog, may I have some more?
Attention Razzballers! The Not Not News Podcast is now available 100% free of charge! Subscribe to the Not Not New Podcast on iTunes, Spotify, or wherever you listen to your podcasts.
It’s your favorite hour of the week! The Not Not News is back with all the Billy Hurley jokes and Grey Albright cackles you can handle. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Welcome back to MLB DFS, Money Monday edition. It’s me, Cousin Timmy, and I’m here to keep your Monday nice and green. We have a 10-game main slate on FanDuel tonight with first pitch set for 7:05 PM ET in Washington, DC. Please, blog, may I have some more?
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They say he's the greatest Orioles catcher ever. They say the greatest catcher prospect since Yogi Berra. They are talking about Matt Wieters. "They" are Keith Law. He's not the only one. I went back to the 2009 prospect guys to see what people were saying about Matt Wieters and found, "Has the power of Mark Teixeira," and "a bat so potent he could be a two-time batting champion and one of the game's biggest stars in almost two years." Okay, I lied, those are all Keith Law quotes! Good for baseball that Wieters wasn't its biggest star. Others were just as complimentary to Wieters with Kevin Goldstein, who got a job with the Astros and now the Twins said, "Wieters, Chris Tillman and Brian Matusz are can't miss." They had great things to say about Matt LaPorta too. Who? Not sure, I think Matt LaPorta is French for doormat. From that draft alone, there was no mention of Madison Bumgarner, Giancarlo, Freddie Freeman, Josh Donaldson, or even Travis d'Arnaud, all guys drafted after Wieters and LaPorta. Why mention any of this? Just tamping down Adley Rutschman enthusiasm with this hype-cleaver. That's my Tamp-ax! Wait, maybe it's not a good idea to say that. So, this is a weird way to start a post where I say I'd absolutely pick up Adley Rutschman in every league. Killing enthusiasm with my Tampax. Yikes, need to stop saying that. The Tampax (this is not a sponsored post, by the way) is simply to stop up hype that Rutschman will be a top five catcher as soon as he's called up. I don't think he will, but he could be. Think 15 HRs and .280 for four months. It's irrelevant what he was even doing in the minors. He was ready two years ago. He's worth adding in all leagues if you're struggling at catcher, Tampax be damned. Period. Anyway, here's what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Cheers, Bar patrons! Ready for yet another look at the coming week’s two-start pitchers? Who should you stream? Who should you avoid? Let’s find the bottom of this proverbial bottle together!
The Top Shelf
| Pitcher |
First Start |
Second Start |
| Gerrit Cole, NYY |
BAL(MO) |
@TB(SU) |
| Corbin Burnes, MIL |
@SD(TU) |
@STL(SU) |
| Shane McClanahan, TB |
MIA(TU) |
NYY(SU) |
| Max Fried, ATL |
PHI(TU) |
MIA(SU) |
Notes
- Oof, the Top Shelf is sparse this week!
Please, blog, may I have some more?
