Donkey Teeth

Author: Donkey Teeth

Read some of Donkey Teeth's 33 posts

Donkey Teeth

2021 RazzSlam Qualifier Contest

March 3, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Baseball, RazzSlam | 15 Comments

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The RazzSlam fan lottery odds were slimmer than Grey Albright on his twenty day juice cleanse. Please eat some food already, Grey! Anyway, hundreds of fans signed up for the 54 precious spots to compete against 162 of the top fantasy baseball industry analysts in all the land. Those spots have been filled and the 18 inaugural RazzSlam drafts are now underway. But if you didn’t get lucky in the lottery, don’t fret, there’s still time to get lucky in your mom’s basement. The 2021 RazzSlam Qualifier is now open for business. Here’s everything you need to know about the qualifier (or you can just blindly sign up for FREE thru this RazzSlam Qualifier link):

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

The RazzSlam: Origin Story

February 12, 2020 | RazzSlam | 14 Comments

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When I first brought the idea of a large industry best ball competition with fan participation into Grey’s office he said, “Damnit Cougs, stop letting Donkey into the house! He’s getting mud all over my panda rug again!” Then I brought the idea to Rudy who spent the next week developing algorithms and running millions of simulations to determine if it was a worthwhile endeavor. On the seventh day the RazzSlam Bot saw it’s shadow. And so the RazzSlam came into being. What exactly is the RazzSlam? I’m glad you ask…

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

15 Team, NFBC Draft Champions Recap: 69 Days Later

January 30, 2020 | Our Leagues | 37 Comments

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The Beat Grey Albright NFBC league filled up so quickly that the NFBC folks (you can still use promo code: Razzball25 and get $25 off at NFBC—sign up for a Draft Champions or Cutline Championship League today!) decided to create a second league where 14 unlucky fans got a chance to take on the Donkey who poops in Grey Albright’s backyard. So much has happened since this Donkey draft started on November 22nd and completed, 750 picks and 18 days later, on December 10th: Gerrit Cole signed with the evil empire for *pinkie to mouth* ONE BILLION DOLLARS, Anthony Rendon now calls Los Angeles or Anaheim or wherever home, the White Sox locked up prized prospect Luis Robert for six years, the Astros took cheating to whole new levels and I fell off my roof seven times while putting up and taking down Kwanzaa lights. Fortunately, the roof of my barn isn’t very high off the ground so I only stubbed a hoof. Anyway, here’s my NFBC Draft Champions errrr, draft recap:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

The RazzSlam: Greatest Thing Since Canseco

January 27, 2020 | RazzSlam | 17 Comments

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Have you heard of the RazzSlam? Rhetorical question. Of course you’ve heard of the RazzSlam. It’s only the biggest thing to happen to fantasy baseball since Grey Albright interviewed Jose Canseco. Which was not only the greatest interview in the history of fantasy sports, but arguably the greatest interview in the history of the multiverse. As for the RazzSlam, there’s no shame in being the #2 fantasy baseball event in history.

Before I signed up for the RazzSlam, girls didn’t want to be near me and guys didn’t want to be me. Then I signed up for the RazzSlam—the sign-up is at the bottom of this page if you’re impatient—and everything changed. I was suddenly knee deep in chicks. Like Frank Thomas after he started taking Nugenix. Anyway, for those few poor souls who are just now discovering the RazzSlam, here’s what you’ll want to know:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

Introducing: The RazzSlam

November 18, 2019 | 2020 Fantasy Baseball, RazzSlam | 9 Comments

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All the hard work is finally culminating after countless all-nighters at Razzball Headquarters scheduling inspiration sessions and using interns as footrests while watching The O.C.  So much culmination going on over here. Anyway, I’m pleased to announce Razzball will be partnering with the kind folks at The NFBC to bring you a legendary fantasy baseball contest. A happening which will go down with the Agricultural Revolution, the Treaty of Versailles, and the invention of yoga pants, among the greatest events in human history: The RazzSlam. What is the RazzSlam and how does this Donkey still have a job after ranking Kikuchi #26 among starting pitchers in 2019? I’m glad you ask, random italicized voice.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

2 Early Mock Recap: Drafting Like a Donkey

November 1, 2019 | 2020 Fantasy Baseball | 36 Comments

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Back in high school I remember there was a kid in my class who sported an iron-on patch on his backpack. The patch read, “Pornography Rapes the Mind.” I’m guessing that kid wouldn’t approve of my last production: Donkey Does Dallas. Anyway, I’m not here to analyze the porn industry and its effects on the mind—Grey will be covering that extensively in his Giancarlo Sleeper Post next week. Instead I’m here to discuss how mock drafts rape the mind. We join these mocks, select all our favorite players and rosterbate the night away. Then our real draft comes around and every player we want is taken two rounds earlier than in the mock; we’re left grasping our limp lineup wondering what in the name of Jesús Luzardo happened.

What I’m saying is, don’t take these mock results too seriously. For me, the real value in mock drafting is in gaining greater familiarity with the player pool and contemplating roster construction. Regardless, it’s still entertaining to take a look at the results and consider which players may or may not come at a value next year. Below you’ll find the first four rounds of my 2 Early Mock which took place across a two week period from early to mid-September. Find the full ADP data from all six 2 Early Mocks here, generously provided by Smada of Prospects Live and Friends with Fantasy Benefits.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

Top 50 Starting Pitchers for 2020: Balls Don’t Lie

September 9, 2019 | 2019 Fantasy Baseball, Top 100 Starting Pitchers | 32 Comments

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There’s one big question on everyone’s mind: what type of balls will 2020 bring? Will they be wrinkly? Sweaty? Blue? People are wondering about the baseballs, Donkey. Oh right, baseballs, thanks random italicized voice!

Let’s face it, we have no idea what next year’s balls will look like. Hopefully they aren’t engorged, lumpy, or discolored, but we just don’t know. And we won’t know for certain until early April 2020. What we do know is, regardless of how salty next year’s balls taste, there will be a bunch of pitchers drafted early who get hurt or just flat out stink (see: Corey Kluber, Trevor Bauer, Blake Snell, Carlos Carrasco, Jameson Taillion, & Luis Severino from 2019) and there will be lots of pitchers drafted late, or not drafted at all, who sneak into the end of season top 25 starting pitchers (see: Lucas Giolito, Hyun-Jin Ryu, Sonny Gray, Mike Minor, Lance Lynn, Mike Soroka, Domingo German, & Jake Odorizzi from 2019). Grey has almost fully brainwashed me over at his Fade Top Pitchers School of Philosophy and Sexuality. Yes, it’s just as weird as it sounds over there.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

Top 100 Starting Pitchers, Week 22: Only a Gibson is Good Enough

August 26, 2019 | 2019 Fantasy Baseball, Top 100 Starting Pitchers | 24 Comments

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Not your Grandfather’s Top 100 Starting Pitchers…

As you may or may not know, Fantasy Master Lothario traveled to the Big Apple this past week. What you definitely don’t know, is why the Champion of Razzball made the cross country trek to the city that never sleeps: Grandpa-Donk’s 92nd birthday festivities. That’s right, Grey Albright and Gramps-Donk are the closest of friends. Have you ever seen Grey and Sweaty Jimmy in the same room? Didn’t think so…

As Grey stepped forward to kiss the hoof and present the ageless-donk with a priceless phallic statue specially commissioned by this season’s Blown Away glass blowing contestant Annette Sheppard, Gramps leaned in and whispered the name “Kyle Gibson” into Sweaty Jimmy, I mean Grey’s ear. “The same Kyle Gibson who just gave up 4 runs and 10 hits in 5 1/3 innings against Detroit last week?”, Grey thought to himself. But he knew better than to question the most respected donkey in all the land.

It’s the time of season where everyone outside of the top 20-25 starting pitchers become expendable in shallower leagues. Gibson will be an ideal streaming target in those leagues as he again faces the Tigers in Detroit on Friday; Streamonator loves this match up just as much as the grand old donk. I wouldn’t be excited to start Gibson for his following three starts in Boston, at home against the Nationals, and in Cleveland, but they aren’t the worst match ups. Then his last two juicy match ups will come against the Royals and Tigers once again. Don’t doubt the death defying donkey’s advice, stream or stash Gibson for this final month.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

Baseball Podcast: Exploring the Orient with Tim McLeod

August 24, 2019 | Ditka, Tim McLeod | 2 Comments

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On this week’s show we’re joined by the world’s foremost English speaking expert on Asian baseball players, Tim McLeod. Tim shares his thoughts on two guy’s who might be coming over from the Orient for the 2020 baseball season: former MLB pitcher Josh Lindblom, who has now dominated the KBO for two full seasons, and 27 year old Japanese slugger Yoshi Tsutsugo. Don’t miss out on some fascinating info on this two possible gems from the far east.

We also discuss two more well know Asian pitchers in Yusei Kikuchi and Shohei Ohtani; find out what McLeod expects from both in 2020. Other topics featured on this show include: Jake Fraley, Aristedes Aquino, buy low prospect targets, Acuna vs. Trout vs. Yelich for 2020, and MLB playoff predictions. Open your ear holes and enjoy the wise Canadian’s knowledge!

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

Top 100 Starting Pitchers, Week 20: Heaney and the Robots are Taking Over

August 12, 2019 | 2019 Fantasy Baseball, Top 100 Starting Pitchers | 30 Comments

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Not your Grandfather’s Top 100 Starting Pitchers…

When the robots finally take over the world and the rest of us have fallen, one last sentient being will remain on the planet taming and ruling over the machines: Grandpa-Donk. Until that time we must do our best to live in harmony with the androids. Don’t give the bots reason to overthrow humanity during your lifetime, let it be your children’s problem.

For fantasy baseball purposes, it’s that time of year to start leaning heavily on artificial intelligence. The sample of data available for Rudy’s mechanical offspring to crunch grows larger by the day. The rest of season player rater and streamonator are functioning like the well lubed machines they are. The top 100 starting pitchers for the remainder of this year will strongly weigh these robotic opinions as most pitchers only have 7-8 regular season starts left; match ups are of the utmost importance from here on out. Speaking of the bots, is there something in rest of season player rater’s pocket or is he just happy to see Andrew Heaney?!

The player rater has Heaney ranked as the #27 starting pitcher for the rest of the season. I did a double take when I saw the large rusty shaft protruding from player rater’s nether regions at the mention of Andrew Heaney. Looking closer, it makes some sense: Heaney threw two above average outings against the stacked Astros lineup in July before hitting the IL with shoulder soreness. He then came back strong Saturday with an abbreviated outing in Boston against a struggling, but still loaded Red Sox lineup. His swinging strike rate is up over 13% in his 49 2/3 innings this season with 58 strike outs, plus he’ll face the White Sox twice and maybe the Rangers twice over the next three weeks. Heaney’s arm should be fresh at this point, since he’s been hurt ALL season, so pick him up and trust fall into rest of season player rater’s cold, rigid, arm-like metallic stumps.

Here’s some more players rest of season player rater and Donkey both like for the stretch run…

Please, blog, may I have some more?