Donkey Teeth

Author: Donkey Teeth

Read some of Donkey Teeth's 30 posts

Donkey Teeth

The RazzSlam: Greatest Thing Since Canseco

January 27, 2020 | RazzSlam | 7 Comments

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Have you heard of the RazzSlam? Rhetorical question. Of course you’ve heard of the RazzSlam. It’s only the biggest thing to happen to fantasy baseball since Grey Albright interviewed Jose Canseco. Which was not only the greatest interview in the history of fantasy sports, but arguably the greatest interview in the history of the multiverse. As for the RazzSlam, there’s no shame in being the #2 fantasy baseball event in history.

Before I signed up for the RazzSlam, girls didn’t want to be near me and guys didn’t want to be me. Then I signed up for the RazzSlam—the sign-up is at the bottom of this page if you’re impatient—and everything changed. I was suddenly knee deep in chicks. Like Frank Thomas after he started taking Nugenix. Anyway, for those few poor souls who are just now discovering the RazzSlam, here’s what you’ll want to know:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

Introducing: The RazzSlam

November 18, 2019 | 2020 Fantasy Baseball, RazzSlam | 9 Comments

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All the hard work is finally culminating after countless all-nighters at Razzball Headquarters scheduling inspiration sessions and using interns as footrests while watching The O.C.  So much culmination going on over here. Anyway, I’m pleased to announce Razzball will be partnering with the kind folks at The NFBC to bring you a legendary fantasy baseball contest. A happening which will go down with the Agricultural Revolution, the Treaty of Versailles, and the invention of yoga pants, among the greatest events in human history: The RazzSlam. What is the RazzSlam and how does this Donkey still have a job after ranking Kikuchi #26 among starting pitchers in 2019? I’m glad you ask, random italicized voice.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

2 Early Mock Recap: Drafting Like a Donkey

November 1, 2019 | 2020 Fantasy Baseball | 36 Comments

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Back in high school I remember there was a kid in my class who sported an iron-on patch on his backpack. The patch read, “Pornography Rapes the Mind.” I’m guessing that kid wouldn’t approve of my last production: Donkey Does Dallas. Anyway, I’m not here to analyze the porn industry and its effects on the mind—Grey will be covering that extensively in his Giancarlo Sleeper Post next week. Instead I’m here to discuss how mock drafts rape the mind. We join these mocks, select all our favorite players and rosterbate the night away. Then our real draft comes around and every player we want is taken two rounds earlier than in the mock; we’re left grasping our limp lineup wondering what in the name of Jesús Luzardo happened.

What I’m saying is, don’t take these mock results too seriously. For me, the real value in mock drafting is in gaining greater familiarity with the player pool and contemplating roster construction. Regardless, it’s still entertaining to take a look at the results and consider which players may or may not come at a value next year. Below you’ll find the first four rounds of my 2 Early Mock which took place across a two week period from early to mid-September. Find the full ADP data from all six 2 Early Mocks here, generously provided by Smada of Prospects Live and Friends with Fantasy Benefits.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

Top 50 Starting Pitchers for 2020: Balls Don’t Lie

September 9, 2019 | 2019 Fantasy Baseball, Top 100 Starting Pitchers | 32 Comments

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There’s one big question on everyone’s mind: what type of balls will 2020 bring? Will they be wrinkly? Sweaty? Blue? People are wondering about the baseballs, Donkey. Oh right, baseballs, thanks random italicized voice!

Let’s face it, we have no idea what next year’s balls will look like. Hopefully they aren’t engorged, lumpy, or discolored, but we just don’t know. And we won’t know for certain until early April 2020. What we do know is, regardless of how salty next year’s balls taste, there will be a bunch of pitchers drafted early who get hurt or just flat out stink (see: Corey Kluber, Trevor Bauer, Blake Snell, Carlos Carrasco, Jameson Taillion, & Luis Severino from 2019) and there will be lots of pitchers drafted late, or not drafted at all, who sneak into the end of season top 25 starting pitchers (see: Lucas Giolito, Hyun-Jin Ryu, Sonny Gray, Mike Minor, Lance Lynn, Mike Soroka, Domingo German, & Jake Odorizzi from 2019). Grey has almost fully brainwashed me over at his Fade Top Pitchers School of Philosophy and Sexuality. Yes, it’s just as weird as it sounds over there.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

Top 100 Starting Pitchers, Week 22: Only a Gibson is Good Enough

August 26, 2019 | 2019 Fantasy Baseball, Top 100 Starting Pitchers | 24 Comments

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Not your Grandfather’s Top 100 Starting Pitchers…

As you may or may not know, Fantasy Master Lothario traveled to the Big Apple this past week. What you definitely don’t know, is why the Champion of Razzball made the cross country trek to the city that never sleeps: Grandpa-Donk’s 92nd birthday festivities. That’s right, Grey Albright and Gramps-Donk are the closest of friends. Have you ever seen Grey and Sweaty Jimmy in the same room? Didn’t think so…

As Grey stepped forward to kiss the hoof and present the ageless-donk with a priceless phallic statue specially commissioned by this season’s Blown Away glass blowing contestant Annette Sheppard, Gramps leaned in and whispered the name “Kyle Gibson” into Sweaty Jimmy, I mean Grey’s ear. “The same Kyle Gibson who just gave up 4 runs and 10 hits in 5 1/3 innings against Detroit last week?”, Grey thought to himself. But he knew better than to question the most respected donkey in all the land.

It’s the time of season where everyone outside of the top 20-25 starting pitchers become expendable in shallower leagues. Gibson will be an ideal streaming target in those leagues as he again faces the Tigers in Detroit on Friday; Streamonator loves this match up just as much as the grand old donk. I wouldn’t be excited to start Gibson for his following three starts in Boston, at home against the Nationals, and in Cleveland, but they aren’t the worst match ups. Then his last two juicy match ups will come against the Royals and Tigers once again. Don’t doubt the death defying donkey’s advice, stream or stash Gibson for this final month.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

Baseball Podcast: Exploring the Orient with Tim McLeod

August 24, 2019 | Ditka, Tim McLeod | 2 Comments

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On this week’s show we’re joined by the world’s foremost English speaking expert on Asian baseball players, Tim McLeod. Tim shares his thoughts on two guy’s who might be coming over from the Orient for the 2020 baseball season: former MLB pitcher Josh Lindblom, who has now dominated the KBO for two full seasons, and 27 year old Japanese slugger Yoshi Tsutsugo. Don’t miss out on some fascinating info on this two possible gems from the far east.

We also discuss two more well know Asian pitchers in Yusei Kikuchi and Shohei Ohtani; find out what McLeod expects from both in 2020. Other topics featured on this show include: Jake Fraley, Aristedes Aquino, buy low prospect targets, Acuna vs. Trout vs. Yelich for 2020, and MLB playoff predictions. Open your ear holes and enjoy the wise Canadian’s knowledge!

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

Top 100 Starting Pitchers, Week 20: Heaney and the Robots are Taking Over

August 12, 2019 | 2019 Fantasy Baseball, Top 100 Starting Pitchers | 30 Comments

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Not your Grandfather’s Top 100 Starting Pitchers…

When the robots finally take over the world and the rest of us have fallen, one last sentient being will remain on the planet taming and ruling over the machines: Grandpa-Donk. Until that time we must do our best to live in harmony with the androids. Don’t give the bots reason to overthrow humanity during your lifetime, let it be your children’s problem.

For fantasy baseball purposes, it’s that time of year to start leaning heavily on artificial intelligence. The sample of data available for Rudy’s mechanical offspring to crunch grows larger by the day. The rest of season player rater and streamonator are functioning like the well lubed machines they are. The top 100 starting pitchers for the remainder of this year will strongly weigh these robotic opinions as most pitchers only have 7-8 regular season starts left; match ups are of the utmost importance from here on out. Speaking of the bots, is there something in rest of season player rater’s pocket or is he just happy to see Andrew Heaney?!

The player rater has Heaney ranked as the #27 starting pitcher for the rest of the season. I did a double take when I saw the large rusty shaft protruding from player rater’s nether regions at the mention of Andrew Heaney. Looking closer, it makes some sense: Heaney threw two above average outings against the stacked Astros lineup in July before hitting the IL with shoulder soreness. He then came back strong Saturday with an abbreviated outing in Boston against a struggling, but still loaded Red Sox lineup. His swinging strike rate is up over 13% in his 49 2/3 innings this season with 58 strike outs, plus he’ll face the White Sox twice and maybe the Rangers twice over the next three weeks. Heaney’s arm should be fresh at this point, since he’s been hurt ALL season, so pick him up and trust fall into rest of season player rater’s cold, rigid, arm-like metallic stumps.

Here’s some more players rest of season player rater and Donkey both like for the stretch run…

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

Top 20 Starting Pitchers for 2020 with Bonus Grey & Donkey Teeth Podcast

August 11, 2019 | All Podcasts, Ditka, Top 100 Starting Pitchers | 30 Comments

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So you started the season with a monstrous keeper squad of Jose Ramirez, Giancarlo Stanton, Corey Kluber, Carlos Carrasco, and Luis Severino? Now you’re sitting in a bathtub, crying like Grey as he watches Travis Shaw and Jose Peraza bag his sack of Whole Foods groceries in the year 2021. Peraza holds the bag while Shaw inserts the various packages of beyond meats. The toaster is already plugged in and heating up next to your bath; Johnny Cash’s rendition of “Hurt” is blaring on your old school boombox as you shovel Hagen-Daas into your face. Suddenly everything goes black! Did the toaster slip into the tub? Nope, you blew a fuse!

Now you have a choice. Either go flip the breaker, crank The Man in Black back up, and finish the job; or wipe those tears away and send out a flurry of fantasy baseball trade offers before your deadline passes. In an effort to save a life, here are my top 20 starting pitchers for 2020:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

Top 100 Starting Pitchers, Week 18: Pancakes, Lemonade and Clevinger

July 29, 2019 | 2019 Fantasy Baseball, Top 100 Starting Pitchers | 52 Comments

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Not your Grandfather’s Top 100 Starting Pitchers…

The outpouring of concern over Grandpa-Donk’s well being during Heatwave 2019, has been heart warming. Rest assured, Gramps is still alive and donkey kicking. In fact, last weekend the old jackass worked out in the yard 48 hours straight in the 100-degree heat without stopping for so much as a Señor Crappers change. Once he finished the field labor, G-Donk came inside to make the rest of us pancakes and lemonade–an old Donk family tradition. As Great Gran-Donk always said, “When life gives you apocalyptic weather, make pancakes and lemonade.”

Mmmmm ice cold lemonade: my favorite of the fresh squeezed juices. You know what other juice is worth the squeeze? The Clevinger concentrate. I was skeptical when Mike Clevinger returned from his back injury in mid-June. His first two brutal starts had me strutting around like top donkey, so smart. But since the calendar turned to July, Sunshine has been lights out going 4-0 with a 1.74 ERA, 1.03 WHIP, and 41 strikeouts in 31 innings. Clevinger is extracting juice like a fantasy ace right now and there’s no reason to think the liquid will dry up anytime soon.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

Top 100 Starting Pitchers, Week 16: Lancelot Returns to the Round Table

July 15, 2019 | 2019 Fantasy Baseball, Top 100 Starting Pitchers | 42 Comments

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Not your Grandfather’s Top 100 Starting Pitchers…

Grandpa-Donk: World traveler, meteorologist, woodworker, Señor Crappers spokesperson, and wise elder. One fact you may not know about Gramps is that his favorite movie is King Arthur. The old Donk and his friend Sweaty Jimmy have a thing not only for handling wood together, but also for the Knights of the Round Table. After a long day of working with each other’s sweat moistened wood, it’s not uncommon to see G-Donk and Jimmy together watching Sir Lancelot’s feats of courage while spooning ice cream into one another’s mouths like very normal heterosexual men.

Speaking of Sir Lancelot, have you noticed what Lance Lynn has been up to? If Lynn had pitched in that crazy London Series there’s a decent chance he would’ve been knighted. Fun fact: Granddaddy-Donk was knighted back in the 60’s; all it took to be knighted back then was some good smoke and semi-straight teeth.

As for Lynn, the 32 year old has compiled 14 consecutive starts of 6+ innings and he’s thrown 7+ innings in 9 of those outings. Since May 10th, Lynn has gone 8-2 with a 2.66 ERA, 1.03 WHIP, and 98 strikeouts in only 81 1/3 innings pitched. He hasn’t required Señor Crappers since that fart (which wasn’t just a fart) back on April 23rd.

Back in Week 12 I said, “The Lance Lynn brand has never been a best seller, but prior to last season Lynn had posted 3 straight seasons of 175+ IP with a sub-3.50 ERA. He’s added a half MPH to his average fastball velocity and he’s throwing a lot more sliders this year, leading to a career high K-rate through 86 innings. In 51 1/3 IP since May 1st, Lynn boasts a 3.63 ERA and 1.23 WHIP with 60 strike outs, and the FIP fairies are whispering that he’s actually been even better than that. Anyone care for a bowl of Lance Strasburg? Mmmmm salty beard!” I sound pretty smart, for a Donkey.

So, can we call it square for the whole Kikuchi debacle yet? Speaking of The Kooch, he’s been looking a little better of late. Watching him pitch no longer makes me want to slam my junk in a car door. I may have to see if the the ole Kooch Razzwagon will fire back up. Fair warning: The Koochwagon only has three tires and no steering wheel, but the acid spiked punch never runs out!

Please, blog, may I have some more?