Fantasy Baseball Advice

For those fantasy players who play in standard mixed leagues, the hot stove season is a time of excitement. These owners can just sit back and enjoy the player moves, secure in the knowledge that regardless of what happens there will not be a huge impact on gameplay. Sure some players will change jerseys, some jobs will be gained or lost because of moves, but by and large the player market remains the same.

Contrast that to fantasy owners in AL or NL-only leagues, who view the hot stove season with trepidation. They watch these same player moves closely, aware of the fact that superstars may become undraftable at the drop of a hat. Despite this risk, over the course of time these moves tend to balance out, with relatively equal numbers of players coming and going from each league. However, this season is different. To use a tired cliché, a “perfect storm” of destruction has afflicted the hitters of the National League. Similar to flipping a coin ten times and having it come up tails every time, seemingly every big ticket hitting item left the NL for greener pastures (and a ton of even greener cash).

No position was seemingly hit harder than the first base position in the National League. This position was traditionally held by perennial 1st round picks like Albert Pujols and Prince Fielder, but both of those studs have packed their bags for the “other” league. Consequently, the position has understandably taken a huge hit in terms of talent. Fortunately, one superstar remains in the NL, one Joey Votto. In fact, Votto is the only player at his position drafted in the top 40. I would go so far as to say Votto is probably worth the #2 overall pick in such leagues (after Matt Kemp), because no position has a wider gap between the best and second best player than 1st base.

The fact that the second player on this list is Michael Morse should be very telling about the state of the position. However, that does not mean that your 1B position is “Votto or Bust.” Morse himself had a breakout season last year, and fellow youngsters Paul Goldschmidt and Freddie Freeman join him in the tier below Votto. I’d be perfectly happy starting any of these guys for my NL-only squads, especially at ADPs ranging from 50-70, but perceived scarcity may drive their price higher than I’m willing to pay.

As for the individual players here, who you will pick comes down to personal preference and team needs. Goldschmidt has the most raw power of the bunch, but his swing also probably has the most holes. Freeman, on the other hand, is a great contact hitter, but he may not surpass his 21 home runs from 2011 until he puts more meat on his rather lanky frame. Morse is a bit of a mystery, showing slightly above average power in a long minor league career, but when given the chance at the major league level he produced a nifty 31 long balls in 2011. He’s first on the list in ADP, but I see a higher ceiling with the other two guys. Again, just a matter of personal preference.

If high-risk high-reward veterans are more your speed than the youngsters above, then Ryan Howard and Ike Davis are your answer. Both face uncertain 2012 statuses due to ankle injuries (though Howard’s outlook is considerably bleaker than Davis’s), and both are coming at a substantial discount from their full health prices. Recall that Howard has been a power stalwart at his position for nearly a decade, and that Ike Davis had a nice 2010 and was off to a great start in 2011 before the Mets training staff struck him down with a bum ankle. You would do well to have insurance making one of these picks, but it could well win you a league if the cards break just right.

If you miss out on the above candidates, uninspiring veterans seem to be the rule. Guys like Adam LaRoche, Carlos Lee, Lance Berkman, James Loney, Todd Helton, Aubrey Huff and Gaby Sanchez.  Some of these guys may well outproduce players I have listed above, but it is a matter of ceiling and floor that lands them here. Berkman had a great 2011, but at his age fall off the cliff risk is a real possibility, lowering the floor for me. Even Gaby Sanchez, the guy from this group that I would probably like the most, has a pretty low ceiling, albeit with a higher floor.

This list has brought us past the top 12 1st baseman, so you’ve probably already seen the first baseman you will end up starting. Admit it, it’s not as bleak as you thought it would be, is it? That is not, however, to say that you will be happy with who you end up with. So what are you going to do if you find yourself staring down the barrel of James Loney? The answer lies on the final names on our list- guys like Mat Gamel, Brandon Belt and Anthony Rizzo. Gamel, seemingly out of chances in 2011, has been given one more chance to prove that he is not a bust as a top prospect. Rizzo and Belt flopped in their major league debuts, but I am not ready to take the bloom off the rose of these prospects. Belt’s 20-20 potential at 1B is very real and very rare indeed, while Rizzo’s power definitely plays now that he has left Petco for Wrigley. I would not necessarily start one of these guys, but I like them as late round picks in redraft leagues that have upside to pan out. Finally, a more creative manager may try to handcuff one of the injury prone guys above and hope for a setback.

I am not going to sugar coat it, losing Fielder and Pujols has left a huge gap in talent and turned it into a scarce position. Take consolation in the fact that every team is in the same boat in this deflated market. If you are lucky enough to land Votto, then smile and know that you are ahead of the game. If not, then 1st base may indeed prove an adventure. However, there’s nothing more satisfying than coming out on top of a challenging position- it’s part of why we play the game. Let’s just hope we all fare better than George Clooney in navigating this perfect storm.

Joe Mauer is done for the year with pneumonia.  I’m almost 100% sure Morneau was the carrier of the virus.  On Friday, frequent commenter Mike said, “If you went to Joe Mauer’s house, went into his basement, jack-hammered through the concrete, and started digging, what would be the under/over on number of feet you’d have to go down before you found the first dessicated Native American corpse?  3 feet?  4 feet?  I mean, that Native American graveyard can’t be that far below the surface.”  I honestly never thought I’d say this this (stutterer!) early in his career, but I think Mauer’s going to be a bargain next year.  Assuming he falls into the 10th round or later, he’s worth the gamble at catcher for 2012, right?  I mean, even if he only gets 100 games and hits .300, it’s worth the ulcer, isn’t it?  I think so.  With that said (yeah, here comes opposite talk), I’m sure glad I haven’t drafted him the last two years in any league.  He hit 3 homers this year.  As in between 2 and 4.  Jesus Montero has that many in 10 games.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jason Kubel – Probably done for the year.  In related news, Morneau, Mauer and Kubel have a fishing trip planned for the first weekend of October and all Twins fans have a hunting trip planned for the same weekend.

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – Done for the year.  Back date that to March.  Are the Twins fielding a team this final week and a half?

Brian Dinkelman – 4-for-5 yesterday and 7 for his last 9.  When your team’s good news is Brian Dinkelman, you got a big fish that needs some frying or whatever that cliche is.

Ryan Howard – Out until Thursday, which will probably mean he plays only sporadically even after that.  Ross Gload will fill in.  Army with harmony…Dave, drop a Gload on him!

Justin Verlander – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks as he won his 24th game yesterday.  That’s pretttay pretttay good.  Tough year to be Jered Weaver.

Joakim Soria – Didn’t pitch this weekend.  Now all the Royals’ 9th inning eggs are hoping for some good Holland days.

Pablo Sandoval – Hit two homers in one inning.  When you throw Sandoval two meatballs, he jumps on them.

David Price – Left after 4 innings after being hit in the chest by a liner.  Should be fine for his next start, which he will throw while wearing knight’s armor.

Desmond Jennings – 2-for-5 with a steal.  In roughly a third of the season, he has 9 homers and 18 steals.  Yeah, go ahead and times those by three.

Brandon Morrow – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  There should a glossary term for these K-heavy pitchers that are a total tease.  You suggest in the comments, thank you.

Adam Lind – 2-for-3 with two homers.  Be nice if he went on one of his crazy 6 homers in 8 games binges.  Cust kayin’.

Joe Saunders – 8 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He came through big time for my borderline starter post from Thursday.  (And Matt Harrison too.  Brad Lincoln, not so much.)

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-3 with a homer.  With 8 homers and 45 Ks in 40 games this year, he’s either gonna be something special next year or a flat-out bomb.

Mark Reynolds – Homered on Friday and Saturday, then was beaned in the head by a Ervin Santana pitch.  His CT scan came back negative, then the CT scan picked up Johnny Bananas and carried him to the other side of The Gulag.

James Loney – 5-for-6 yesterday and two homers in two games on Friday and Saturday.  I don’t like saying to pick up Loney, so if I wink, it means pick him up.  Wink.

Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I have two things to note, neither of which is that interesting.  First, I can’t believe Greinke is barely under a 4.00 ERA in the NL.  Second, I can never remember if it’s a H or a K with Zack.  From writing 1200+ words five days a week about these players, I can spell Saltalamacchia without looking it up.  I could be in a baseball spelling bee and kick serious ass and get tripped up by spelling Zack.  I feel like there should be a standard Zack spelling.  H or K, that’s it.

Erick Aybar – 4-for-4, 2 homers, 5 runs, 4 RBIs and now hitting .434 in September.  Looks like a classic Septacular performance.

Adrian Gonzalez – It was revealed this weekend that he’s only taking batting practice every other day due to weakness in his shoulder.  He said, “(The weakness is) fine.  It’s the end of the year.”  Um, maybe in San Diego.

Mike Aviles – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs with his 2nd homer in three games.  Sawx kinda have to win games and Aviles, McDonald, Salty, Scutaro and Conor Jackson (when I saw his name as C. Jackson in the box score, I thought it was Curtis Jackson) are playing and Wakefield is pitching.   Up the team salary to $300 million.

Brandon Beachy – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER and 8 earned in his last 9 2/3 IP, 8 ER.  The good news for people who like bad news is he’s tired.   The other bad news is he might struggle next year if the Braves don’t shut him down.

Jason Heyward – 3-for-4 as he hit 8th in front of the pitcher.  He should consider apologizing to Fredi for whatever transgression he did to him or his family.  Meanwhile, pray he doesn’t hit three homers in one game in the playoffs and get on everyone’s radar again.

Manny Acosta – Closed out yesterday’s game while Parnell worked the 8th.  Honestly, I think the Mets are going to get a closer in the offseason and don’t really care who gets the ball in the ninth right now.  It’s not like they’re grooming anyone.

Chien-Ming Wang – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Marlins’ Brad Hand.  For a change of pace, this game saw Wang beating Hand.

A.J. Pierzynski – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  He reminded me of this classic post by Rudy.

Bryan LaHair – 1-for-3 yesterday and a homer on Saturday.  He should be playing every day, but he’s not.  I feel like someone should write a song titled, “The 28-Year-Old Rookie.”  Belle and Sebastian, where you at?

Jordan Pacheco – Batted third yesterday and went 0-for-4, but is hitting .320 over the last week with a homer.  He did so little in Triple-A this year, it’s kinda comical (3 homers, 2 steals, .278).  Guess if you’re really hogtied in a very deep league, you can take a look.

Allen Craig – 3-for-4, 2 homers.  Before this game, he hadn’t done much since he started, uh, starting.  But maybe this is the beginning of something.  Only Miss Cleo knows for sure.

Matt Holliday – Inferred here first after reading shizz elsewhere, it sounds like Holliday’s done for the year.

Mariano Rivera – Tied Trevor Hoffman’s save record.  Right after he breaks the record, the Yankees announced Bobby Parnell would take over as closer.

Steve Cishek got the save, but it wasn’t that cut and dry.  Edward Mujica came in for the ninth for the save, but promptly gave up 2 runs.  One person who was nowhere in sight was Leo Nunez and with only 17 people in attendance at Joe Robbie/Pro Player/Blockbuster/Dolphin/Sun Life/Whoever Ponies Up Money To Sponsor This Godforsaken Stadium, it’s not hard to find someone.  As of right now, I’d grab Cishek and Mujica, in that order, but yesterday I thought it was the opposite, so it could change at any moment.  Really depends on McKeon or how good his memory still is.  “Let’s warm up Looper!”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks.  From April-June, Vazquez looked like he should’ve retired.  Or returred, if Ludacris is reading this.  Or he looked down right turrible, if Charles Barkley is reading this.  In July, he looked good.  In August, he’s been great.

Logan Morrison – 2-for-4 and his 18th homer in his return to the Marlins.  He pissed off Florida management by pulling out his iPhone during the home run trot to send out some tweets.  Jack McKeon wondered why he’s fiddling with an abacus.

Wily Mo Pena – 3-for-3 with a HR, 2 runs, and 4 RBIs.  I would not want to go anywhere near Jim Bowden’s keyboard or mouse after he read that box score line.  That said, Pena isn’t assured regular playing time with Seager, Carp, and Trayvon hitting well.  More of a day-to-day matchup play.

Kyle Seager – 4-for-4 and 10 for his last 14.  That’s not a hot schmotato…. This is a hot schmotato!  For right now, Seager reminds me of Omar Infante when he’s on a hot streak.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – Rockies called him up.  Why do the Rockies keep taking the A’s discards?  Do they think, “We had success with CarGo.  Why would Mark Ellis and Kouz be any different?”

Bobby Parnell – Got his first save of the year.  Only 299 more to go before the Mets change closers.

Hiroki Kuroda – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  2.92 ERA and 1.21 WHIP.  He’s basically Tim Hudson on a bankrupt team, offensively and otherwise.

James Loney – 3-for-5.  He’s been hot (11 for last 17), but I can’t recommend him.  He’s just so…James Loney.  Maybe ask a different fantasy baseball ‘pert if you should pick him up.

Skip Schumaker – 4-for-4 with four singles for the Homeless Man Cycle.

Shaun Marcum – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Season ERA is 3.38.  I loved him in the preseason, and he’s actually been about as good as I thought he’d be.  Only I didn’t foresee some pitchers having ERAs in the low 2′s.  If you won’t lower the mound, raise the plate!

Alex Gordon – 1-for-2, 3 runs and a slam & legs.  Now has 17 homers and 14 steals.  Having a nice year, but anyone who owned him in previous years can tell you 17 homers and 14 steals turns to 12 homers and 7 steals very easily and you don’t want to own that.

Wandy Rodriguez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 14 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the Rockies.  In related news, it doesn’t look like Wandy’s gonna be traded to the Rockies.

Brian Bogusevic – 3-for-4.  Picked up where J.D. Martinez left off, which is to say he’ll probably be hot for a few days, unless the Astros move into Coors.

Eric Young Jr. – 1-for-5 with his 4th steal in his last four games.  Okay, that’s slightly cherrypicking stats because he got three steals on Saturday, but still if you need steals it’s silly to not plug him in.

Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs with 5 homers in the last ten games.  Whatever Tulo had, CarGo caught it.  Remind me next August to go out and acquire all Rockie hitters.

Colby Rasmus – Will miss two to three days with his jammed wrist.  With his time off, he’s going to throw bags of flaming turds at La Russa’s Prius.

Brett Lawrie – 2-for-3 with his 4th homer, ending his 1-for-13 slump.  Maybe he slept with one of the Molina sisters as a slump buster.

Michael Cuddyer – Hit by a pitch on the wrist and was pulled from the game.  Oddly enough, his wrist felt fine but the Twins’ trainer just reflexively figured it was a concussion.

Brad Peacock – Mystery’s favorite player is due to be called up for September.  He’s 6′ 1″ but seven-two with his giant boa-rimmed top hat.  Peacock has been dominant in the minor leagues this year.  Double-A:  2.01 ERA and a 11.77 K-rate in 98 2/3 IP.  Triple-A:  8.58 K-rate, 3.56 ERA in 43 IP.  Here’s what Stephen just said during his Peacock fantasy, “With a quick, loose arm action, he throws a 92 to 94 MPH straight fastball, a plus knuckle-curve ball with sharp downward action, and an average changeup.  I often dream of pulling Grey’s fingernails out one at a time.”  Whoa, maybe I should read those closer.  Peacock probably won’t see enough starts this year to make a difference, but I’d look at him in deep NL-Only keepers.

Tom Milone – Nats announced Milone would also be called up when rosters expand.  He’s actually put together a better season than Peacock, but his upside is lower because he’s a soft-tossing lefty that uses deception where Peacock uses good ol’ fashioned speed.  Leave it to Peacock to show off.

Heath Bell – Giants claimed the Padres closer on waivers and they now have until Friday to work out a deal. I don’t think it happens unless Wilson is totally FUB(e)AR’D.  If it does happen, I’d grab Gregerson or Qualls, in that order.

Joey Votto – 5-for-7 with 2 homers in the doubleheader.  Member when you were mad at Votto midseason because of his lack of power?  Member I said it was a long season?  This blurb was sponsored by Members Only.

Scott Sizemore – 4-for-4, 1 RBI.  Nice game but he’s been painfully yawnstipating for an extended stretch.  4 RBIs in his last ten games with no homers or steals.  That’s the new blech.

Coco Crisp – 4-for-4, 5 RBIs and two homers.  One homer was against Sabathia.  Odd since CC Sabathia usually devours left-handed hitters and anything that sounds like Coco Crisp.

Nick Swisher – 2-for-3 with his third homer in two games.  He’s not quite as sexy without the sideburns, but if you’re power deprived he’s worth a look.

Daniel Hudson – 8 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Was one out from the shutout and then gave up back-to-back HRs to Nix and Gomes.  Kind of like how Kate Hudson performed so well in Almost Famous and then made back-to-back bombs.  Fortunately for Daniel, he had Putz to back him up.  Unfortunately for Kate, she had the putz from the Black Crowes and Alex Rodriguez.

Carlos Santana – Won’t miss time but left early yesterday after taking a couple of foul balls off his mask, inspiring him to write a song, Oye Como Vas Deferens.

Shin-Soo Choo – Was scratched with a sore trunk.  Trunk?  Maybe that’s why Matt LaPorta mistook him for his Kia.

Ezequiel Carrera – 1-for-4 with a steal.  Has now started five games in a row with 3 steals.  Oh, and Ezequiel Carrera sounds like a Porsche carriage built for the Amish.  Up to 4 horsepower!

B.J. Upton went o-for-3 or one-for-four if you count him hitting the outfield wall.  You say unfeeling, I say how dare he start in front of Desmond Jennings.  I sat down to watch this game wearing my dress made of doilies with Desmond Jennings’s face on each doilie, i.e., my Desmond tutu, only to find him benched.  How dare you, sir.  In fact, I’m bringing out the douchey one word per sentence thing.  How. Dare. You. Sir.  Upton’s day-to-day with a shoulder strain.  He’ll probably miss a few days, unless he thinks he’s going to play instead of Jennings.  Then I might have to Gillooly someone.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jeff Niemann – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He was so close to putting together another solid game.  Too bad I don’t have him on my fantasy horseshoe team.

Evan Longoria – 2-for-4 with his 21st homer.  I don’t own him anywhere so my motives are a bit tainted, but I hope he finishes up the year with a sub-.240 average.  If he somehow falls into the 3rd round next year, color me excited.

Jimmy Rollins – To the DL with a Grade 2 strain of the groin.  That’s crazy advanced.  I never strained my groin until, like, the 8th grade.

Cliff Lee – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Mets.  It was so easy that he walked 3 batters just to see what it feels like.

John Mayberry – Another day, another HR.  That’s 11 HRs in 189 ABs this  year.  Raul Ibanez has 5 more HRs in 240 more ABs.  Cust kayin’, Charlie.

Hunter Pence – 2 for 3, 4 runs, 2 RBIs as he clearly is taking to the city of Tastykakes and Cheese Steaks.  It’s got to make Ruben Amaro feel better that his fleecing of Ed Wade isn’t limited to just pitchers (Oswalt, Lidge).

Jose Constanza – Left yesterday’s game with an ankle sprain.  Fredi is probably finding out if Constanza can play on crutches instead of playing Heyward.  Hey, Constanza, the ocean called, it’s running out of non-phenoms.

Tommy Hanson – Said his shoulder feels fine.  You know what I don’t like?  When a pitcher feels the need to say his shoulder feels fine.  Can all pitchers agree to go mum on the whole shoulder business?  Mum is the word, is the word, is the word…

Jonny Venters – Got the save yesterday because Kimbrel had been used a lot recently and Venters had been used a lot recently but Venters’s life coach is Scott Proctor.

Nate Eovaldi – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Reminds me a bit of John Ely when he first was called up.  Hey, whatever happened to John Ely?

James Loney – 7 for his last 8.  Yawn.  Wake me when he gets his homers into the double digits.

Travis Hafner – To the DL with a strained right foot.  He stepped on his old football helmet that was being used as a beer cooler during a recent BBQ.

Ross Detwiler – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Has put together four straight decent starts.  Yes, ‘decent’ is less than a quality start.  I wouldn’t grab him in any league.  Yes, I’m only talking about him because yesterday was a short schedule day.

Adrian Beltre – Ran at 75% yesterday.  I walk at 35% with a cane and a limp while wearing a chinchilla fur coat.

Justin Morneau – Out with a sore foot, but the good news is, depending on whether you own him or not, his x-rays were negative.  The bad news, again dependent on ownership, he’s going for an MRI on Tuesday if his foot isn’t feeling better.  Now try and figure out what you’re hoping for.

Chris Narveson – After throwing 5 1/3 shutout innings, he left his start with a cracked fingernail.  That once knocked my mom out of action for an entire afternoon.  Couldn’t make me lunch or anything.  Godspeed, Narveson.  Maybe you can get an endorsement with Lee Press-On.

Zack Greinke – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Greinkes!  Just when you think it’s safe to start him everywhere every time out, he gets dunderblown by the Pirates.

Alex Avila – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in the last four games.  He’s also hitting .429 in August.  I wouldn’t defrost Ted Williams’s head just yet, but he is having a solid year.

Mike Napoli – 1-for-4 with his 21st homer.  He’s also batting .293 on the year.  Aren’t you glad you got him off your team back in April?  What a relief!

Ben Revere – 1-for-5 but probably made the best play of the year.  Too bad my fantasy league doesn’t have a Web Gems category.

J.D. Martinez – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and 5 for his last nine with a homer.  Must… resist… urge… to… pick… up… Astros… hitters.

Brian Bogusevic – Hit his 4th homer yesterday.  Before you think about picking him up, remember he’s a herbathrowdite.

Ryan Ludwick – 1-for-4 with a homer.  The Pirates trade deadline deal is paying immediate dividends!

Jose Tabata – 5-for-9 in the doubleheader, has now hit in every game since his return with two homers.  He’s at 31% owned in ESPN leagues.  Even assuming 50% of ESPN leagues are abandoned, that figure seems low.

Andrew McCutchen – Sat out the nightcap and Daniel McCutchen got the win.  Wait a second, I saw that episode of Family Ties when Alex had two dates to the prom.  Did Daniel McCutchen enter the game wearing a different color tie?

Starlin Castro – Received a mental day off yesterday.  The Cubs gave Carlos Zambrano 4 mental days off out of 5 and look how well that turned out.

SAT Question:  Albert Pujols is to a fractured forearm as Justin Morneau is to playing every day in 2011 and you can’t take him out of your lineup.  Only thing worse for Cardinal fans is if Don Denkinger announced Pujols’s fractured forearm while wearing a Wilson Betemit jersey.  We never get Pujols in any leagues.  I mean, never.  This year, we thought we’d go against common practice and pay for him in one league.  It’ll take away some money we have for the rest of our team, but at least we’ll have Pujols.  *standing in the pouring rain, shaking fist at the sky*  Come get some, Fantasy Overlord!  So, unfortunately, the slap on Albert’s forearm was harder than the law gave to Tony La Russa when he DUI’d and Pujols will be out for at least 6 weeks. (They’re saying 4-6 weeks, but that’s optimistic.)  Looks like Jon Jay, the Federalist, will get more time.  Well, why didn’t you say that?!  That makes everything better!  *sticks head in oven*  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

David Freese – Returns next week.  If he’s on waivers, now would be as good a time as any to pick him up.  Or now.  Or now.  Or…Well, you get the picture.

Adrian Gonzalez – Francona said A-Gone might play some outfield during interleague play.  A-Gon’s got the outfield range of a Johnny Damon throw.  The Red Sox are going to mitigate his poor range by giving him a really big glove.

Andrew Miller – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners (3 walks), 6 Ks.  I should do lines in Vegas– Whoa, Charlie Sheen!  This is a family show! Random Italicized Voice, I mean I should make betting lines for oddsmakers.  I totally would’ve called this Miller line.  He’s such a 5 to 6 inning pitcher with 3 to 4 earned runs and a lousy WHIP.  (BTW, Sawx vs. Padres in Fenway?  This is like S.D. Jones vs. Andre the Giant.)

Tim Hudson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I was gonna write a post about interleague in regards to this, but I didn’t get a chance so here’s the short version.  When a team doesn’t see a pitcher often, the pitcher has the advantage.  An AL team loses a DH, advantage for the NL pitcher (and not just because Hudson pitchslapped Romero).  They still have the play the games, and, as Morton showed last night, a terrible performance is terrible no matter the circumstances.  Continued in the next blurb…

J.A. Happ – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER in Arlington.  Then you have an interleague matchup of a mediocre pitcher vs. a tough lineup in a hitters’ park and Happ happens.

Jose Bautista – 0-for-4, I know Bautista’s going to hit three bombs tonight because I’m about to write this, but in June — 1 homer and a .259 average.  Last year, only 4 homers in June and a .179 average.  Bautista did go back to the Smackdown in July.

Travis Wood – 7 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  After the first inning where he gave up 4 runs, he settled down and stopped letting Volquez call his pitches.

Ivan Nova – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He seems to have a great start then a terrible one.  Maybe Nova is a star that suddenly becomes much brighter than normal and then gradually returns to its original brightness.

Mariano Rivera – 1 IP, 0 ER.  Nothing to say here, but I was at my chiropractor yesterday — I’m so LA! (and I sit in front of my computer too much) — but I read a great article about cutters in Sports Illustrated from one or two weeks ago.  I’d seek it out.  Was about how so many pitchers are adopting the cutter.  Hey, look, it’s like we’re in a book club!

Charlie Morton – 2 IP, 6 ER.  He was walking between the raindrops for too long without getting wet.  It was a nice ride, but now I’d bench or lose him in most leagues.

Jake Arrieta – 5 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks and a 4.50 ERA on the year.  Yet, he has 9 wins.  In other news, wins are stupid.

Juan Nicasio – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  The roofie as defined by the Razzball Glossary:  A rookie pitcher who fails to deliver on their tremendous K potential and, instead, abuses your trust and violates your ERA and WHIP.  Used in a sentence, “Doctor, last night Nicasio roofied me and now I’m peeing blood out of my rear.”

Carlos Santana – 3-for-4 with his 10th home run and third steal.  It’s a slam and legs, and it’s easy to digest.  The average is blehtastic at .237, but his OBP is fine and his BABIP shows he’s been a bit unlucky.  He’s still just a catcher, but his end of the year numbers are gonna look decent.

Jason Giambi – 1-for-4 with his 7th home run.  Giambi’s a decent interleague flyer if you’re in dire need for power in a deep league.  Short term play though.  BTW, I just totally spazzed myself out thinking about how Giambi’s having a better year than Morneau.  I will now walk into traffic wearing a burlap sack.

Orlando Hudson – 3-for-4 with his first homer.  I didn’t see it, but I’m guessing Pesky-fueled.  O, you, dog.

Chase Headley – 4-for-5, and hitting near .500 in the last week.  Wanna know why?  Because he wants to hug you.  No.  That’s not why.  Cause he’s away from Petco.  This year — .336 in away games.  .235 at home.  In 2010, same shizz, different year.

Starlin Castro – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd home run and 9th steal.  I’m a bit embarrassed to say this because I have Castro on a bunch of teams, but I thought he had more homers.  2 homers?  Really?   Really, Seth Myers?

Clayton Kershaw – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks.  I have a bit of a schoolgirl crush on him.  That is all.  (Unless he wants more.  I’m totally open for that.)

James Loney – 3-for-4 and 6 for his last 11.  Hitting over .290 for two straight months and– I’m sorry, I can’t get excited about him.

Ryan Braun – Missed yesterday’s game with a viral infection.  Oy, someone make the Hebrew Hammer some matzoh ball soup.

Jeff Niemann – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I’m going to sound like an obstinate broken record here.  But I don’t buy into Neimann at all.  At all.  At–

Evan Longoria – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs with his 6th home run and is hitting .237.  So Pujols, Hanley, Wright, Longoria and Crawford are lured into The Octagon, who wants in first?

Leo Nunez – So spooked by strange noises in his hotel in Florida that he spent the weekend at his friend’s home.  Some meddling kids figured out it was Robb Nen draped in a bed sheet.

Hanley Ramirez – New (<–ironic! (if I am using the word ironic correctly) manager, Jack McKeon, benched Hanley in his first game.  The 80-year-old manager said, “In my day, bats were made out of particle board.  They weighed 5 times a player’s body weight and you had to put them together with wood screws.”  He continued, “Look, there’s no miracle elixir that can get us back into first…but McKendrick’s Revitalization Potion #7 never hurts!”